Big thank you to my beta, Elfluver13, who, even when my computer failed at receiving the edited version of this, offered to reedit it and send it again. Check out her story! It's more popular than this one, and I can personally testify to its being absolutely excellent!
Evil: AAAAAAAALRIGHTY! I'm baaaack! (dances) Sorry to be away for so long! Forgive me?
Arya: oh dear god. And I thought I was free.
Eragon: (whispers in Evil's ear)
Evil: (blushes and giggles maniacally, glancing at Arya evilly) that's a lovely idea!
Arya: Stay back, evil-doers!
Ajihad: I'll save you, fair maiden!
Evil: ARG!! ATTACK THE WALKING DEADMAN, ME HEARTIES! (pauses) is that how you spell that? Hm…
Islanzadí: (who has just recently seen Pirates of the Caribbean 2) Gr. I'm being completely ignored here. Ohoho, I have an idea!
Oh, the heat! (faints)
Oromis: My Queen!
Arya tasted like sugar and spiced ale, Eragon decided, a pleasing mix of flavours. He knew she was very drunk, and that to take advantage of her like this would be dishonourable—not to mention the fact that she'd hate him from here to Galbatorix's palace when she emerged from the stupor. He pulled back from her kiss, putting his hands on her shoulders to stop her as she leaned in again.
Her eyes opened, two dark emeralds regarding him curiously.
"You are drunk," he stated, not for the first time in that bathroom.
"And we're making out in front of a naked elf statue," she said, grinning lopsidedly. "Besides, you're drunk, too." She prodded his cheek accusingly, "How come you don't act like it?"
"Because I'm a Rider and I hold my liquor better than you," he replied, gently shifting her off him. The truth was, he was pleasantly tipsy, his head felt lighter than normal, but his link with Saphira seemed to be draining off the more noticeable affects of the alcohol, so that he was feeling more capable of sensible decisions than he was earlier in the evening. "Also, I'm a man." She frowned, drawing back and regarding him suspiciously.
"Wazzat got to do with anything?" she slurred accusingly.
"Men hold their alcohol better than women," he said haughtily. Oh no, Eragon. Bad idea… she's going to kill you! "It's a known fact." And you were just thinking you could make sensible decisions?
Arya seemed to process this, albeit very slowly, and eventually came to the conclusion that it was an insult. Her eyes narrowed, or perhaps her eyelids just drooped with sleepiness. "Are you ins—ins-insslutting me?"
"Beg pardon?" he laughed at her mispronunciation. "You prove my point: men are definitely better at holding their alcohol than women." Yep, you're a dead man.
In the other room, things were… disturbing. Oromis, who still had not received Islanzadí's permission to stop dancing, continued, his eyes shut tight and his face red. This is… the most humiliating thing I have ever experienced… he muttered internally. Islanzadí's voice broke through his thoughts, and his heart soared with hope. Oh please… let me stop dancing!
"Oromis, come here," she ordered, beckoning. Telling himself that this order cancelled out the previous one, he stepped closer to her. To his horror, she settled her hands on his hips and curled her lips into a seductive smile. "Dance with me."
"Your Majesty," Oromis stuttered, "I'm not sure this is entirely appropri—" she placed a finger on his mouth to shush him. He froze.
"Dance," she said when he did not move.
"There is no music," he protested desperately. This is completely inappropriate. I must stop her.
"Dance," she repeated firmly. "It's an order."
Oromis, ever faithful, shut his eyes and obeyed. Ergo, he had no chance to stop her when she stretched up to press her lips to his, her arms slung low about his hips.
Orik ignored them and kept dancing with Saphira's paw, sloshing a pint of beer in his free hand.
"Ooh," Arya groaned, putting a hand to her temple. "Ery, my'ed hurts."
"That would be because you've had far too much to drink," Eragon informed her. Did she just call me Ery? He grinned, but chose to overlook it and instead be more of a proper, honourable gentleman. "Come on, you need to get to bed." Gently, he slipped his arm under hers and pulled her to her feet, where she swayed unsteadily, still holding her head.
"'m sleepy…" she murmured. Is this how all Elves are when they're drunk? Eragon wondered.
"Can you walk?" he asked. She giggled.
"Woke?" she questioned, "I'm woke already—wish I wasn't, though. You're a bunny, Ery." She giggled again, then slumped over and lost consciousness. He sighed, not even trying to decode her last sentence, scooped her up, and left the washroom.
He poked his head into the dining hall, intending to tell the Queen that he would take Arya to her room, but when he caught sight of her, he decided that she was occupied and not to be disturbed. No matter, she would probably figure it out, he surmised.
He turned away and started up the hallway, but paused as he reached a split, realizing he had no idea where her room was. Two options presented themselves: one, to wander around until he found a servant and ask them, or two, to take her to his house. The first one was more prudent, but also more embarrassing—as he was still in Arya's torn dress—and it could raise many questions about just why he was wearing said ruined garment and carrying their unconscious princess. He chose the latter option, and set off.
Upon arriving in his temporary home, he carefully set her down on a chair as he pulled the covers on his bed back. Then, cautiously, he lifted her from there to the waiting bed and tugged the sheets up to her chin. She stirred, opened her eyes briefly, smiled drowsily, and then fell back to sleep.
Eragon went to his closet and found himself a sleeping tunic, changed, and sank down onto the chair where Arya had just sat. He'd never been particularly good at sleeping sitting, and he gazed longingly at his bed. No. She'll kill you, he told himself firmly. He sighed and closed his eyes, willing himself to sleep.
A moment later, his internal voices started up again. It'll be alright if you stay on one side. It's a big bed. It was true. It was a big bed. No! She will kill you when she wakes up!
SILENCE! he yelled at his bickering thoughts, but it was to no avail. They jabbered on incessantly, until he couldn't stand it, let alone fall asleep. Okay! He conceded, I'm going! I'll sleep in the bed if it will shut you up!
Early the next morning, all of Ellesmera was awoken very rudely by an angry roar of a single word: "ERAGON!"
And that's the end. Farewell my dearests! Please forgive me for being a terd and not updating for so long!
This chapter was written to the awesomeness of the song Opblaaskrokodil. I have no clue who it's by, but if you Google it, I'm sure you'll be able to find it. I mean, seriously. How many songs can there be called "opblaaskrokodil"? Anyway, it's a great song. I recommend listening to it.
I was also listening to the opening from the anime Onegai Teacher. It's called Shooting Star, and it's a great song too.
Review Responses (I know, I'm always so bad about doing these, but being as I've been a VERY bad girl and haven't updated since last year, I figured I owe you guys):
Randomguywalking: thank you, and I apologize for being slow and stupid. This last chapter wasn't even funny…
Silvershadowkittie: thanks so much! I fear this chapter wasn't very good… I'm sorry.
Alsdssg: Hawaii was awesome. I had a really good time, but I got bad sunburn from when we went on a Zodiac (boat) tour of the Na Pali coast… Have you ever been?
Coffee Grounds: thanks! I did have fun in Hawaii, and I saw several (five, I think) sea turtles while I was snorkelling. Peanut butter is awesome!!! I love peanut butter. Did you know there's a phobia of peanut butter sticking to the roof of one's mouth? I think it's called arachibutyrophobia.
Lalenna: did I post this chapter twice? (confused) It's been so long I've forgotten… I'm such a bad person… thank you for the warning, too. I think I did post this twice, and the first time it was just an AN… hm. I'm so confused! I've had my account deleted before, and the offence I 'committed' wasn't even true! They said I had used my story as a chat thing, but I didn't! It was just a song fic…
Megan Argetlam: I honestly can't really remember. I think so, but it's been so long. I think the first chapter seven was just an AN, then I decided (thanks to Lalenna's warning) to write a little chappie to go with it. I love Carcaptor Sakura! I've only seen a few episodes but it's so good!! You should watch Onegai Teacher. It's really, really funny, and it's only twelve episodes long. All the episodes are available on YouTube.
Kaiser Aldamon: I most definitely forgive you for the lack of ideas, in fact, I should be the one begging for your forgiveness! I'm such a horrible person… (cries) I didn't update for five months!
Crazed Up Chick: thanks, and I'm sorry for not updating... (goes into corner and cries)
mOOnlite-dUSk: thanks! I did have fun in Hawaii! I saw sea turtles while I was snorkelling. Ugh… I hated snorkelling in the shallow water, though. I'm dead scared of fish, so I was so scared that whenever I put my feet down between the chunks of coral, or whenever I came over a ridge of coral, there'd be a fish/eel/shark there and it would eat me… I loved snorkelling in the deep water, though. That was really fun. At one point, I abandoned my snorkel and just dove with my mask and flippers, and stalked the puffer fishes. Then, one came underneath me (and these things are huge! And really ugly!) and I almost choked and drowned. It was kinda embarrassing, especially cause there were scuba divers nearby.
Volleyballgirl-2892: thanks! And I'm so sorry for not updating!
NathanDavis: thanks! I'm glad someone doesn't mind my short chapters. Hey, do you (and you don't have to answer this if you think I'm a stalker or something) by any chance, go to Glashan Public School? It's just I know a guy there named Nathan Davies and I was wondering if you were him. Sorry, that's a kinda awkward question, isn't it?
Callernumber16onz100: oh God I'm so sorry! I'm such an evil person!
MultiFanficReader: yep they were making out in the bathroom!
DewWater: Oh God! FISH! AHHHHHH! (did I mention I'm terrified of fish?) AHHHHH!
Never mind the dead, mutilated body lying next to me…
Fallonaiya Sedai: thank you! I can picture it, and that's rather scary, isn't it? I have a straaange mind.
Da archer: you would be most welcome as my guard. Ajihad: you can't kill me, lalalalalaaala, na na na booboo! I'm undead! Evil: ATTACK!!!
Adriannrod Svit-Kona Sama: thanks!
I Need Tacos: WAFFLES!! And it's okay that there's no maple syrup: I live in Canada! Maple syrup is really cheap here, I love it!
And, you know, that was really quite an insightful statement you made, about waffles and about life in general. (Evil is very impressed—she ponders it often)
Mixer 1.2: I'm sorry… (wails) oh, I'm such a terrible person! Please forgive me! I beg you!
Traz: AJIHAD!!!! (mauls) GIVE IT BACK!!! ARGH!!! GIVE IT GIVE IT GIVEITGIVEITGIVEIT!
There's nothing wrong with overusing the caps key! (angelic smile)
Arya: (shudder) there's something very wrong with that girl, something very, very wrong.
LadyLapisLazuli: thank you!
Anonymous Reader13: thanks! I'm sorry for not updating!
Sarralyn Numairsri: COOKIE! CUPCAKE! (gorges)
Heehee! Cookie is fun to say if you say 'KOO-kie' and cupcake is fun to say if you say 'KUP-cake'
Hehe… thank you, and I'm sorry. I don't deserve the cookie and cupcake. (regurgitates them and hands them back)
Arya: EW! WTF DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING!! (tackles Evil and knocks the gooey substances away from Sarralyn)
Arya: (brushes off) sorry about that.
Dyingstrength: aw I'm sorry! Thank you! Forgive me! please!!
KiyokoCartoonist: thanks! I'm SORRY!!! I feel awful!
NightOwl: thank you so much! And I'm really really really really really sorry!
SilverAurora: thanks and I'm really sorry! I truly am, both thankful for the review and the compliments, and for not updating.
Lord Rasler: heehee thank you so much! I'm very flattered.
Dealer in Death: thanks, and I'm sorry for not updating!
Heehee… someone with a name like yours, reading a story like this one… it's an interesting contrast!
Anyway, pay no attention to my musings. Thank you for the review and the compliment!
EvaliaPoison: merci beaucoup! Thanks for reading and reviewing, and please update your story soon!
Hm… do you think it would be weird if I wrote a songfic in English, but had the lyrics in French?
DragonWriter444: heehee thank you! (Evil is actually sitting at her computer, grinning as though you were right in front of her. it's kinda sad how much she needs a life…)
Sora girlfriend: thank you for all your reviews!