A/N: Have been completely consumed by Saiyuki lately so I had a write a short lil fic about Gojyo and Hakkai.
Darkness becomes him.
Hakkai tries so hard to be a creature of the light. He strives to belong in the sunshine and bask in it. But there is always an edginess to him during the daylight hours. He is always on guard…waiting for something to strike him. He's always waiting for somebody to sneak up on him and say, 'I know you're secret.'
My poor paranoid Hakkai, he tries so hard to kept that secret to himself. He even goes as far as slicing his slender creamy wrists. I can't say I even want him to stop. The blood looks so pretty next to his skin, and I know the wounds will heal by the end of the day.
If slicing one's wrists isn't dark then honestly I don't know what is. I leaned back in the seat and relaxed my muscles just a tiny bit. I was watching Hakkai, watching him open and unguarded as he rarely is.
We hadn't made it to the next town by the time it got dark. Hakkai, I knew, was more then willing to drive through the night. But Sanzo thought it would be too much for Hakkai. I wanted to laugh at that. Sanzo didn't realize that Hakkai hardly slept at night anymore…Hakkai hardly slept anymore. The blonde monk is sleeping now, his seat was reclined so his head rest settled just atop Goku's stomach.
The monkey's brown head was curled around that headrest so Sanzo's sterling lock mingled with Goku's impossibly brown hair. They both looked pretty in the moonlight I guess.
But they were creatures of the day. The moon didn't bring out the golden in Goku's hair or the shimmering red in Sanzo's. In fact it dulled them. I think most people dulled under the light of the moon…but not my Hakkai.
He was sitting on the hood of the jeep, looking sadly up at the stars. I sat in the back seat, pretending to sleep. If Hakkai thought any of us were awake he would've never climbed onto the hood and looked up so saddly at the stars. He's always starring at the stars these days…and it does worry me. My Hakkai doesn't realize how worried he mkes me.
I could tell by the slump in his back and the way his fine cheek rested on his knee that he didn't fear the night. If anything he felt safer. I smiled at him and I resisted the urge to reach out and pet him.
Sometimes I wish I could kiss his tears away. I wish I could make him smile like he really meant it. I wish I could hold him and make all his fears go away. I wish…I wish he would except himself for the creature he was.
He looks so pretty in the moonlight. His hair shines like black ink highlighted with silver and green. He looks like one of those pretty china dolls. His skin was so fine and smooth, the smallest hint of a blush tinted his cheeks, accenting them. His eyes, those deep fiery pools of emerald glowed in the moon.
I smiled at him again. I love watching him. I would go to him…I would reach out and touch him…if I could. Nobody can touch Hakkai. Even when I simply drape my arm around his slim neck in the way a friend would…I feel as though I'm touching glass. If I touch him to hard, he'll shatter.
Goku and Sanzo are always touching each other, be it violently or tenderly. It was a competition between those two. They always dared the other to come closer, they dared the other to take one more step. And each time they touched they took one step closer to finally crossing the deep abyss of guilt and loneliness that separated them.
Sometimes their relationship seems so clear cut. I wish once again, that I could finally touch my lovely porcelain doll.
I make the mistake of sighing, and I hear a tiny chuckle escape from Hakkai's lips.
"It's a little early to be up, Gojyo…three a.m.?" Hakkai teased. There is no nervousness in his smooth voice. No anxiety or awkwardness. He moves to slip off the hood.
"You don't have to move," I shrugged. I wanted him to stay there, I wanted to watch him. If I couldn't touch…couldn't kiss, couldn't hold. I at least wanted him in my line of vision at all times.
I can tell he's smiling by the warm tone in his voice. "Oh Gojyo, you should sleep."
"You should too," I counter slyly. "I've got some extra room back here…."
He laughed. That was how it always was. Our 'relationship' never crossed the border line of innuendo and childish flirts. I wanted to have him right here with me, so I could protect him from his demons. "Stop teasing."
I wish I was. I wish to whatever sadistic gods who were watching us from up above I was. "So what's so fascinating up there?" I look up at the stars like Hakkai does and I wait for him to instruct me.
"When I look up," Hakkai said softly, his voice warm and thick. It poured over me like honey. "I try to find the stars."
"But they're right there," I scoffed. "Jez Hakkai, you're only blind in one eye." We keep on looking up though. And I know, it's moments like these when I realize that this relationship I have with Hakkai isn't just a fantasy on my part. He believes in it too. Hakkai wouldn't stay up on that hood for anybody else…he wouldn't even begin to understand what he is with anybody but me.
"No, those stars belong to other people. Happy people. Young couples who've just moved in together, and children whose parents tell them somebody's watching over them, and the peaceful old folk who've found love and happiness." I can tell my poor Hakkai is bitter. His voice is sharper and more clear…not cruel or acerbic…but simply clear.
"So…you're looking for you're stars?" I asked. We'd never really reached this point before…I suppose this was our point of no return. Now he'd either laugh and slip off the hood…or do something that was completely unlike the Hakkai he partially pretended to be.
"My sky is as black as my heart."
My eyes widened then. I looked up at the sky now, and I really looked. I saw the many twinkling layers of stars, and I saw the steady glow of the planets. But I saw something else. I think I saw Hakkai in those stars, not the shape of his face or body. But I felt that Hakkai was up there in the stars, looking for himself.
I carefully crawled into the front seat and over the windshield. I could feel Hakkai tense up, but he didn't move. I kept moving closer to him. He still didn't edge away from me. I sat down next to him and said quietly. "Maybe you just haven't spent enough time looking into your heart."
His emerald gaze jerks over to meet my crimson one and I carefully, oh so carefully, trace his jaw line. I was careful not to touch too hard or he would break. "You spend all your time looking up at the sky for something you've blinded yourself too."
"Gojyo, since when did you read poetry," Hakkai chuckles. But he's interested, ever so interested in what I was about to tell him.
I leaned into him and held my lips closely against his ear, "You say your heart is as black as your sky, but if you looked into your heart for a change, then you might find that it sparkles more brilliantly then all the stars in the sky."
His breath hitched and he looked back up at the sky. I could see how hung up about this star thing he was. I looked up with him. My arm snaked around his neck, I hardly realized I was even doing so. "Do you see your starry sky now?"
"Yes," He breathed. Hakkai smiled, one of those big brilliant smiles that you just can't keep inside. Suddenly I realized that I was touching Hakkai…
His emerald eyes locked onto mine. I was touching Hakkai, actually touching Hakkai. He didn't shatter or splinter. I waited for him to laugh and scoot away, but instead he moved closer to me and asked softly, "If you can find my stars then I guess you can find my moon, huh?"
"Maybe," I tease him, "What does your moon look like?"
"It looks like the sun to Goku," Hakkai says honestly. I started and looked at his gently smiling face. Goku's sun, and only sun was Sanzo. I puzzled for a moment but I couldn't understand who could possibly mean that much to Hakkai.
"Well I can't say I've ever seen it," I said thoughtfully.
"That's because a part of it's missing…" The emerald eyed man said sadly. I knew he was referring to Kanan. I wanted to slam my fist on the hood and curse. I'd once again made him think back to Kanan. "But, I found something…something that made the moon just a little less bright,"
"And what was that," I asked breathlessly, our faces were close enough that we could've kissed.
"It was a star," He pressed his lips softly against mine and I let my fingers curl in his hair. He pulled away and smiled at me.
I drew him closer to my side and smiled down at him. "You need to sleep more." I led Hakkai into the back seat, despite he tiny protests and after rearranging Goku to Sanzo's lap, which I might add caused Hakkai to chuckle, I stretched out on the seat and gently pulled Hakkai down on top of me.
He burried his face in my chest and completely ignored the stars above us.
"So, did you finally find what you were looking for up there?" I asked softly.
"Hm," Hakkai thought a moment, "I think I did."
"And what did you find?"
"I found somebody who painted my sky with stars, and promise me the moon." Hakkai murmured.
"'Night Hakkai." I chuckled.
There was an empty pause and I waited for him to respond to me. I wanted to be sure he wouldn't sneak away to obsess over the stars again. My lovely little Hakkai…my darling, glass Hakkai. "Goodnight Gojyo."
I waited until I was sure he'd finally fallen asleep before I let sleep wash over me. I hadn't gotten him to admit that he was a spirit of the night, no it would be years before Hakkai could even begin to confront that…but at least…at least he might stop starring blankly at the stars.
My exquisitely shattered Hakkai…
Oh how darkness does become him.
A/N: Might write more little Hakkai/Gojyo stories depending on how many reviews I get.