Title: Mama Told Him Not To Cry
Author's Notes: For those of you who don't know:
Paul Levesque - Triple H
Joanie Lauer - Chyna
Apartment 26 - Hallucinating
//Who are you? Who are you? I don't know.
Turn my back, turn my back, then I'll see you.
Never seen, never seen, like a sixth sense.
Who am I tonight?// When he was younger, his mama told him to never cry. He guessed she did this to make him tough. When Matt would torment him til the point of tears, his mama told him not to cry. You didn't want him to see you cry. It would only accomplish what he wanted. Here he was years later, and those words still echoed through his head. He thought he wanted all the fame and recognition. In the beginning, he lived for it. Now he loathed it with a passion unknown. The lights constantly in his face. The fans who attacked him after every show. He didn't feel like he belonged here, anymore. He used to love what he did, but now he did it because it was his job. He didn't know who he was anymore.It made him want to cry, but his mama told him never to cry.
//Colored lights, doubted twice, resurrected.
In my mind, countless signs, misleading.
As I pass, see the last, ever changing.
Lifted up, interrupt, all knowing.//
He didn't know what made him loathe what he did. Maybe people expected too much of him. People didn't see him as who he was. He was always Matt's younger brother. It was like without Matt he was nothing. Their music cued. He walked out with his brother and Lita. He knew he lacked his usual enthusiasm, but Jeff didn't care. He went through the match against the Dudleys without much energy. He laid their lifelessly as Buh-Buh Ray pinned him. He knew he couldn't blame Matt for his lack of interest. He felt it was a big part of it. He wanted to be his own character. Not just the one that sat there looking lost all the time. It wasn't fair.
//Something in my head - Telling me to feel like this.
Something in my mind - Wanting my to think like this.//
Nope, it wasn't fair. He was constantly living in his brother's shadow. His brother got the girl, his brother got the belt, his brother protected him. They always made him seem like the weaker Hardy. He talked to the writers about maybe making him a little more agressive. They only laughed and said he was already known as the risk-taker, but was he? Didn't Matt take just as many risks as him? He only shined a few times by himself. It was always with Matt that his victories came. At first, it didn't bother him, but it slowly began to eat away at him making him feel worthless. It always seemed that Matt was the special one even when they were kids. Everyone had such high hopes for Matt.
//I can feel, I can feel, feel your presence
Good or bad, good or bad, nothing to me.
Come to me, come to me, truest comfort
Who am I tonight?//
He think he first realized how insignificant he was when he heard some of the other wrestler's talking about him backstage. The Hardy's had just lost a match of course Jeff was the one who got the living shit beat out of him. He was walking to his dressing room when he heard his name said.
"Amy can fight better than him. I mean the boy is basically a push around." Paul Levesque said with a loud chuckle.
"He can't help the way the writer's write his storyline." Joanie said.
"But still don't you think it's a little odd that he's always getting bad end of everything? It's like they're fucking him up the ass."
Paul turned around. He shifted his eyes to the floor when he saw that Jeff had heard him. By this time Jeff was red with embarrassment. Paul opened his mouth to apologize, but Jeff walked off without even so much of a word.
//Peeling glass, feel the past, never ending.
Feel my hands, cross the lands, revealing.
Morphing eyes, true disguise, while predicting.
Passing time, come to mind, all showing.//
He stormed in the dressing room ignoring Matt and Amy. He had nothing to say to them. He snatched a duffle bag and went in the bathroom and changed from his wrestling attire to his street clothes. After he had dressed he stormed out the room. He sighed at the memory. He never told Matt or Amy what was wrong that day. They never asked. Did they even care? Chances were, they didn't. They thought it was just typical brat Jeff behavior coming to head. It was always typical Jeff behavior. It was expected. It was ignored. It was always so funny, but he never felt like laughing.
//Who am I supposed to be, If I don't know who I am
If I don't trust in myself to be what I am supposed to be?//
He pulled himself from his painful thoughts. He didn't want to stick around. He needed to think. He felt like if he didn't get out of there he would suffocate.He left without telling anyone where he was going. He didn't know where he was going. He was just going. He need to clear his head he needed to think. He needed to know who he was, and what was his purpose. He ended up at the park sitting by the river on a bench. He held his hands in his hands as thoughts bombarded his brain. They made his head pound as he sat there in deep concentration.
//What are we, what are we, mental mischief.
Too alive, too alive, never living.
Coming down, coming down, living 2-D.
Who was I last night?//
Had he always felt this way? Were these just emotions he had kept bottled up? No, he didn't think they were. Once upon a time, he had been happy. Once he had been proud of himself. It was funny how things changed from one moment to the next. He thought that he would be forever happy doing the thing that he loved most, but what was that? He didn't know anymore. Why was he even still here? For amusement? He never liked being the butt of jokes, and this was all one big fucking joke. *The jokes on me as always.* He thought.
//Waking up to a world non existing.
Shake your head, wake the dead from sleeping.
Positive, negative, come to find out.
Just as real as it feels, it's growing.//
He felt like screaming out into the night. Maybe that would help him vent his frustrations. He knew it couldn't be pinned up inside forever. It had to come out. His eyes burned as he looked at the peaceful water. He wished he knew that kind of felicity. He wanted more than anything to cry, but his mama told him not to cry.