Harry Potter and the Broom Closets of Brooms
R- Sexual and crude humor, pervasive racial and drug references, and strong language
This is the sequel to Harry Potter and the Nerd's Rock Collection and spoof of Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets. The rating has changed, so more will be added. Sorry for the long wait, but our computer was down, and I couldn't access the story. So, here it is.
Verne Troyer's Warning
One night, Harry Potter was looking through his photo album. The first was a picture of his mother, father, and him as a baby. The second one was of him and his friends, Hermione, Ron, and Dave. When he turned the page, the room filled up with light and music. It was an old photo of a younger Hagrid at a bachelor party. The younger Hagrid stared at him.
"What are you looking at?" he asked. "Get your own!"
Harry shut it before Uncle Vernon could yell at him about the noise.
"Hey!" his black friend Dave called to him. "Would you stop looking at that stuff and help me out?"
Dave had been trying to open Hedwig's cage, and by doing so, make a lot of noise. He was using a sledgehammer this time.
"Sorry, Dave," Harry said. "I just miss my friends."
"Who, those ungrateful bastards that don't even remember to write a damn letter to you?"
"I'm surprised at you, Dave. I thought you and Hermione had that... thing going on. Don't you still like her?"
"What kind of dumbass question was that? Of course I do! I think about her all the time, even when I'm not masturbating. That definitely means something. But now, until I see her again, I hate her."
Now Dave had taken out a chainsaw and tore at the cage's lock.
"Dave, you're making too much noise!" Harry shouted over the chainsaw.
"What do you mean?" he asked.
"It's the Dursleys' rule not to make a lot of noise!"
"Oh, I get it. Since I'm black, I'm just bound to break rules! Is that right?"
"No, you negative bitch!"
"Ah ha! You were gonna say 'nigger', weren't you?"
Finally, it was silent. Just then, a paper clip dropped to the floor, barely making a sound.
"HARRY POTTER!" Vernon's booming voice filtered the house. "GET DOWN HERE!"
"Thanks a lot," Harry said.
Harry went downstairs to see what he wanted.
"What are you doing up there, boy?" Vernon shouted. "You cannot make this much noise when the Masons arrive. Every time something happens, it's because of you! You broke the chair in Church-"
"That was Sherman Klump- I mean Dudley. He was too fat."
"Well, what about the time you farted and blow up the World Trade Center?"
"Terrorists. Plus it fell down when Dudley farted."
"Try to get out of this one, boy. Why was there a used condom in Dudley's room?"
"Because it was Dudley's, you dumb shit!"
"There is one thing wrong with that theory. If you actually expect me to believe that Dudley can get laid, you're very mistaken, my boy! Now, you go to your room, be quiet, or I'll beat you like a slave in the Mississippi!"
BANG! Dave's foot broke through the ceiling and kicked Uncle Vernon.
Harry went upstairs to go to his room. When he went in, there was a midget standing on his bed.
"Who are you?" Harry asked.
"I'm Dobby the house elf, but you can call me by my nickname, Verne Troyer," the thing said. "Now, I've got to make this quick. Me and my dawgs are gonna shoot up Bush's place tonight. You and your friend, Dave ("He knows my name," Dave said.), can't go back to Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry!"
Both Harry and Dave cheer!
"Wait a min'! You're happy about this?"
"Hell yeah, dude. No more school," Harry explained. "We can just stay here all school year. No homework, no teachers, none of that shit!"
"But you like school. You wanted to go back!"
"Nigga, please!" Dave said. "What kind of fucked up kid wants to go to school?"
"Fine. I'll make you want to go to school. In the future, there will be a new cable channel on Muggle television for gays only, featuring Ellen DeGeneres!"
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" the two screamed. "We got to back to school!"
"Well I'm not letting you," Troyer said before running out of the room all the way to the kitchen.
He turned invisible and kicked Mr. Mason in the nut. Then he punched his wife. Then he kicked him in the nuts again. And again, and again, and again, and again, and again, and again x 20 Near death experience.
They had to take him to the hospital. When they left, Uncle Vernon called Harry and Dave down.
"Well, I have to admit, that was one good gag you did," Vernon said, cheerily.
The two boys looked confused.
"It wasn't a gag, Mr. Dursley," Dave said.
"On, come on, Dave, only you could come up with something like that."
"But Harry did it. Thank him."
"WHAT! YOU'VE RUINED MY DEAL WITH THE MASONS! YOU THINK THAT WAS FUNNY, BOY!"
"SHUT UP! I'M GONNA LOCK YOU UP, AND WE'LL NEVER GO TO THAT SCHOOL AGAIN!"
As they went upstairs, Harry and Dave gave each high fives.
"No more school ever! This is the best day of my life!"
I'll try to get the next chapter up as soon as possible. Thanks!