Chaos's Notes: Well, I return from an extended vacation from fanfiction. What better way to come back than with a spoof! Well, enjoy my out of season fiction. It's so out of season it burns! But whatever, Christmas is the easiest time of the year to spoof. No? Well, who cares, it's for entertainment purposes! This might be the only fic for awhile, I'm busy with school, but I'll try coming back to writing this stuff, it's so fun!
Little Note: Major out of character-ness.
A Very Xeno Year
Spoof # 1
The Christmas Party
Christmas Eve has fallen upon Second Miltia. Yes, the season of giving and poorly sung Christmas melodies! A blanket of freshly fallen snow has stopped any Miltian traffic and everyone is rushing here and there trying to get the presents they said they'd get some weeks ago but somehow always managed put it off. Allen Ridgeley was no different.
"Aw man!" he cried, looking at the news in utter disbelief. "Merry Christmas!" was all over the headlines. "I forgot to get presents for everyone!" Now Allen would have to join everyone else in the battle for all the special discount items.
Fortunately, Allen had enough time for his last minute shopping escapades. Unfortunately, he had no clue what the hell he was getting himself into.
His jaw literally dropped to the floor when he walked into the first City Sector. A mob of angry mothers and fathers were all clamoring to get into the very same store Allen had planned to go to.
"Only one hundred people at a time," yelled a distressed store manager, the mob merely loomed over at the small man with an oh so murderous leer and cackle.
"I'm doomed…" He groaned, placing a hand on his face.
Then an idea struck him! He scratched his chin thinking it over. It seemed genius enough; make a false statement that there was a HUGE sale over at the other sector. 'Genius, pure genius!' thought Allen, laughing to himself loudly, which in normal circumstances would earn him stares and a child's comment of "Mommy, that scary man is laughing to himself!" But no one seemed to notice his laugh, or even that he was there!
"HEY, EVERYONE," he yelled over everyone, catching everyone's attention oddly. "There's a huge sale, that-a-way!" He pointed to the Second Sector.
And his plan worked! Well, getting run over by the mob wasn't part of the plan but it's a small price to pay since it worked. Now he could get his Christmas shopping done and maybe even get something to impress his sweet Shion. His plan seemed so perfect! He should win a medal for his genius, he thought!
Elsewhere, back at the Uzuki residence, Shion thought it might be nice to have a Christmas party. They've all been running around like Private Eyes solving a mystery, she thought it might be a nice idea to have a small party to let loose and relax! But, this time honored tradition needed something. An evergreen tree. A lush evergreen tree so tall that it wouldn't even fit into Jin's tiny home!
"I still don't get why I have to get one," Shion's older brother said after Shion tried almost everything to get him to fetch a tree. She tried the big puppy eyes, the whining, the begging almost anything to get him to get one. But, Shion wasn't gonna put up with anything, she wanted this party to be PERFECT. This older brother was about to feel the wrath of his little sister.
"Jin….you go get that tree before I take your sword and shove it up your ----" He didn't even need to hear the last part, he took off to find the blasted tree! Talk about overkill on Shion's part.
Shion rummaged around her home and found some Christmas themed clothing. She picked up the red coat and watched chaos walk across the hall. Shion's lips curled into a plotting grin. With a little ingenuity chaos could possibly make a good Santa….IF he agreed that is…
"chaaaaos," chirped Shion cheerfully, albeit too cheerful even the usually chip Vector engineer. Poor chaos didn't know if he should stay or run like all hell. He eyed the bit of red cloth and white fluff Shion failed to hide behind her back. He wasn't liking what he was seeing. 'C'mon chaos, think!' he thought, thinking of any possible excuse to be spared the humiliation of wearing that detestable red coat and beard. He sure as hell wasn't gonna let some booger-picking brat sit on his lap and rant on and on about what he wanted to get.
"Shion! I heard they're doing ice skating down at the First Sector, maybe you should take KOS-MOS!" He said quickly, cutting Shion off before she could even get another syllable out of her mouth. He laughed nervously, hoping against hope that his half-baked excuse would work.
"Ooh that sounds like a wonderful idea!" she sang, throwing the Santa suit up in the air and went to fetch the unsuspecting KOS-MOS, giggling like a high school student going to a concert of her favorite band. chaos laughed, not believing that actually worked, but took no chances and hightailed it outta there!
Meanwhile, in some sector not known in the game series, MOMO and Jr. were taking a nice walk in the park together. Now, I know some of you would be rooting for a cute Jr. and MOMO moment, but that ain't gonna happen! MOMO clung to Jr.'s arm like a normal girl on a date would do. Unfortunately, she didn't know she was supposed to cling lightly. "My…arm," Jr. cringed as the circulation to his poor arm began to be completely cut off.
"What was that, Jr.?"
"Ho! Ho! Ho, come 'ere little kiddies! Come sit on Santa's lap!" chirped the voice of Albedo. Now, now, I'm sure he doesn't mean that in a weird way! Don't go lumping him with Michael Jackson! Oh…you already did? Okay…
The little children gaped at Albedo with their mouths wide open (Why, even MOMO and Jr. were looking on in disbelief!). A chubby—rather, well fed, child stepped up to tell dear Santa his Christmas wishes.
"Um…I want a…um…a…um," the child stammered, crushing Albedo underneath the bulk. Oh, this could go on for awhile. You kinda gotta feel sorry for Albedo.
"Spit it out, you pound cake!" Yelled Albedo, growing frustrated. "Cut back on the pie, would you? Do your parents a favor!" He then ensued in his usual fits of laughter, which could last just about as long as the child's stammers.
Anyway, moving right along…
Following chaos's advice Shion brought KOS-MOS over to a frozen pond—pardon me, a "lake", to do the ever popular winter sport! No, not hockey. Ice skating!
"Shion, there is a 99.00000000001 probability that I will fall through the ice." KOS-MOS warned Shion, who was putting the ice skates on poor, little KOS-MOS. They were a little tight, but KOS-MOS ain't one to complain. Well, who would when you don't feel pain?
"Nonsense!" Shion chirped, the holiday sticking to her like a bad rash and erasing any logic Shion had. "Okay, why don't you try it, KOS-MOS?" She grinned so widely and oddly, she could make Albedo wet his pants!
KOS-MOS, still not liking the probabilities, stepped on the ice…
CRRAACK! ... SPLASH!
KOS-MOS fell right through the ice bringing all the other ice skaters down with her!
Shion's mouth hung open and only uttering a little "Oopsie" at the incident. KOS-MOS's body bobbed up and down in a giant ice cube. Hey, wait, this isn't a cartoon, dammit! Let's try this again: KOS-MOS came out of the frigid waters, a couple sparks emitting from her and some violent twitching…Actually, the other version was better!
With some rope and a sled Shion stole from a couple of kids Shion made her way back to Jin's house with the ice-cubed KOS-MOS riding in the sled. Back home, after setting KOS-MOS in front of the heater Shion set to work on putting up the decorations. Fake snow, fake reindeer, enough Christmas lights to replace a sun…you name it! She's got it all up. She marveled at her work, which would cost Jin handsomely when his electric bills would come at the end of the month.
chaos came back to the house only to be blinded by the bright lights and go into seizures as a result as well! Shion cried out in horror! She rushed over to chaos to stop his light-induced seizures.
Some Christmas this is turning out to be!
Meanwhile, back at the park in the city sector not mention in the game, Jr. and Albedo ensued in an ever common argument.
"Oh, c'mon you little wimp! Are you not man enough to wear it?" Albedo laughed, he wanted Jr. to be his little, helper elf.
"There's no way I'm gonna wear that! I want to be Santa!" Jr. growled, he didn't want to wear tights or a goofy little hat!
How did this start? Well, allow me to backtrack a little bit!
It started something like this: After Albedo finally shoved off the chubby—I mean well fed kid MOMO had a random flash of genius and wanted to tell Santa what she wanted for Christmas. Obviously, she's suffering from some sort of short term memory loss, but that's not the point! In any case, she wanted to sit on Santa's lap and reveal to him all of her sugar-coated wishes for the Christmas holiday. Albedo had nothing to say about that, but Jr. felt some jealous pang and wouldn't allow that! So what if he was only 4'7" tall!
'I'm far better-looking than Albedo!' thought Jr.
"Hey, Rubedo! Why don't you be my helper elf?" laughed Albedo, in a stroke of genius. Well, not really genius considering what happened after!
And that's exactly what happened!
Jr. was getting angry, so angry he took out his guns and started firing up at the air. He scared all the little kids away and managed to make himself look like a bigger fool when one of the bullets, conveniently, knocked a large, not so hollow, conveniently placed ornament over his head. It fell and—PWOK! Hit Jr. right in the noggin! Jr. swayed before plopping down face first in the snow.
A silence fell, then: Albedo burst out laughing.
"This is the BEST Christmas present!" he exclaimed in between fits of laughter.
"Oh, Jr...," MOMO slapped her forehead, shaking her head.
Now back to Allen in the First Sector! Poor, Allen thought he hit the jackpot when he saw all the discounts, everything 50 off!
"Eureka!" he cried!
And did a lot of shopping, he did! But, unfortunately, even though most of the store said "Everything 50 off!" Allen failed to read the fine print. The discounts excluded the expensive jewelry and picked on up he did. A pretty necklace for his beloved Shion that cost a pretty penny!
So when Allen went to pay he came to an awful realization! He couldn't pay! His job as assistant chief engineer didn't pay him enough to pay for that expensive piece of jewelry. He almost cried in the despair, he could only afford half of the necklace! Then, in a common stroke of genius, he said:
"Let me work here to pay off the necklace!" he told the manager of the store.
Happy to get some help the manager gave him the job no one else would take.
Ten minutes later, Allen stood on the streets in an elf suit that didn't quite fit ringing a silver bell. Allen seems doomed to a life-time of bad luck, so it seems. He rung the bell and said "Merry Christmas!" to the passerby's, of course wearing a scowl of discontent. On some occasions evil children would nail him snowballs and calling him names that I will not mention, poor Allen has such bad luck!
Anyway, Allen greeted the crowds all day long and eventually earned enough money to buy the lovely necklace for Shion! 'My luck is finally looking up!' he thought happily as he finished all his shopping finally. Wishful thinking, Allen!
While leaving, something caught his eye. The ever popular and damnable mistletoe! Finally, he'd have an excuse to sneak a little kiss with Shion. It almost seemed too good to be true! We can all engage in the gagging now!
Back at Jin's place, KOS-MOS finally completely thawed out after a couple hours in front of the heater.
"I am to do what?" KOS-MOS said, receiving orders from HQ. What was this shopping, she wondered. "Affirmative." She always did what she was told by HQ. This ought to be good! KOS-MOS's shopping escapades! Using her awesome android speed she quickly got to the mall in some other unknown sector of the city. She walked gingerly, not wanting to fall through anything else. Being stuck in a giant ice cube certainly ain't any fun!
KOS-MOS had no clue what to get! It's her first Christmas after all!
"I require that you assist me in buying Christmas presents," KOS-MOS spoke in her usual drone to some random dude at the shopping mall.
"Uh...whut?" the dude replied stupidly. "I, like, got done with my shoppin', biotch. So, like, I'm, like, home now." His drawl was unbearable, and it didn't help that a hillbilly also joined in.
"Well, Ah'll bee daimned, ye gunna refuse tae healp thees lovelai yaeng laedee?" Translation: "Well, I'll be damned, you gonna refuse to help this lovely young lady?"
"…Prepare to be annihilated." KOS-MOS warned, getting ready to fire her infamous X-BUSTER.
"Aw, like, crap!"
An entire side of the shopping mall was blown to bits. People stopped in the middle of a step, stared a couple seconds then….MASS HYSTERIA! Everyone dropped what they were carrying and ran like all hell!
"Had someone helped from the beginning you would have saved two weeks time in a hospital." KOS-MOS informed the dimwit and the hillbilly, as if she had nothing wrong. After a few quick scans she just picked up what the fleeing people left behind. What a cheapo.
"Shopping sure has become dangerous over the years," Ziggy, who just happened to be there, commented to himself.
"IT'S THE END OF THE WORLD! RUN FOR YOUR LIVES!" screamed a mall employee, running with his arms up in the air screaming as if something was going to fall from the sky.
"Or maybe people have just become stupider…"
The employee, still in his hysteria, began to shake Ziggy and yelling at the top of his lungs in Ziggy's face.
With a single punch Ziggy knocked the poor employee out! I thought Christmas was a peaceful time! The employee flew until he finally came to rest under a fake reindeer that looked like it was eating his hair. Oh, Ziggy, must you fail to realize the violence you made just now?
I swear, sometimes this group has no common sense!
Anyway, let's fast forward a little bit; to later this evening (Yes, the author is running out of ideas). Shion's Christmas party is a hit! Everyone is enjoying themselves, all in the holiday cheer. Shion was happy her party is going well, Jr. and Albedo are getting along, chaos recovered from his seizures, and Jin didn't get a sword up his ass...Yes! Everything was going well. But what's a party without a little insanity!
Of course, Allen still had his beloved mistletoe and he wasn't about let it go unused. He spotted Shion over with chaos, getting food from the little snacks table. He floated over to where chaos and Shion were chatting and being an idiot that he is sometimes he closed his eyes to try and imagine a more romantic setting in his head. Unfortunately, he didn't notice Shion leaving, then held up the mistletoe and opened his eyes.
"Oh Sh--!" He almost cursed seeing it was chaos he put the mistletoe over. Wow. He must have made some god angry. So much bad luck in just one day!
"I'm flattered, Allen!" chaos, to Allen's surprise, said. "But you're just not my type."
'What's that supposed to mean!' Allen thought. 'This wasn't supposed to happen! Oh, why me?'
On the other side of the room, Ziggy thought he'd indulge himself with some eggnog. He took a large gulp. He paused, something was wrong.
KZZZT! BZZZT! BOOM!
Everyone's jaw dropped at the explosion that came from Ziggy. Being mostly mechanic, some of the eggnog must have caused him to explode!
Yup, this is some Christmas!
Chaos's notes: Well, what do you think! Ha ha, I had so much fun working on this, even though it took me awhile. School takes up so much of my time. Ugh! I may write more to this. Leave me suggestions or die!...I mean, please? Oh yeah, XenoMark helped me write this too. He gave me some ideas (like KOS-MOS shopping and the eggnog explosion.) So, thanks Mark!
Uh, what else…I think that's all for now!
Feel free to leave me a review, I enjoy getting those!