Chaos's Note: Okay, this is BEYOND late, but hey, it's an update, right? This…turned into a musical (kinda), which makes it kinda scary. I'll put a list of all the song names and artists I used to butcher the image of our favorite Xenosaga characters….Please don't kill me.
Note: The characters are way out of character, like that's a surprise!
A Very Xeno Year
Spoof # 2
Happy New Year's!
Yes, you guessed it; Shion's planning yet another party! "Another party!" you exclaim. "She had one just six days ago!" True that, but there's another holiday in the month December! Yes, you guessed it: New Year's Eve….Day….Whatever. What other hilarities will befall the Xenosaga crew! Will Allen finally get his chance with Shion! I think I better stop with the announcer talk before I scare everyone away….
"What light from yonder window breaks? It is the sun and Shion is the east!" Allen exclaimed, throwing his hands up to the air.
….No. Try again.
"My bologna has a first name, it's O-S-C-A-R! My bologna has a second name it's M-E-Y-E-R!"
Wrong again, dammit! Screw your head on right, you buffoon!
"Oh Shion! I will get a kiss from you this year even if it kills me!"
There we go.
Allen was getting desperate! He just wanted a solitary kiss from Shion! It didn't even have to be passionate! She's always spending time drooling over KOS-MOS and never looked at Allen's efforts. Well…considering the amount of whining he does, I'd avoid him too…
Anyway, Allen set to work that "wonderful" noggin of his. How could he get a kiss in? He thought….and thought….and thought some more, like the Grinch when he wanted to steal Christmas, but rather, Allen wanted to steal a kiss from Shion! Poor woman doesn't know what Allen is planning!
Let's just say his plan involves alcohol. Lots and lots of alcohol. His plan could actually work; after all, EVERYBODY gets drunk on New Year's. Moms, dads, sisters, brothers, even the resident squirrels get drunk!
Let's leave Allen to succumb to perpetually bad luck and switch over to everyone's favorite bookkeeping samurai: Jin Uzuki!
On this particular day the thirty-five year old samurai was not at all happy! Why, you ask? Like many bills at the end of the month his electric bill just came in the mail! And what a jaw dropping amount it was! How much was it? Let's just say it was enough to put Wilhelm in debt! You'd have a killer electricity bill too if you used enough electricity to power the whole planet!
Jin dashed into his house looking for his little sister to give her a piece of his mind! Oh wait, Jin! KOS-MOS just finished waxing the floor….!
Jin crashed headlong into one of his many bookcases filled with mountains of heavy hardcover books, the books toppled over and buried Jin, not only books but he was buried in dust! Could his grandpa possibly have any more books! KOS-MOS cautiously looked at Jin from behind the bookcase he crashed into.
"I didn't do it!" She declared and scurried to another room whistling as innocently as a fully-equipped battle android could.
Jin swore he could see tiny little electric bills dancing around his head and he muttered, dizzily, "No, I will not go out with you…"
Since a reviewer asked for more Jin he'll have another scene later, but for now we'll switch over to our favorite midget! No, not the Oompa Loompas from Willy Wonka and Chocolate Factory…Jr.!
"I've got a luvaly buncha coconuts! There they are standing in a row!" sang Jr. as he dusted off the innumerable amount of books Jin had lying around.
"Big ones, small ones! Some as big as your head!" Albedo joined in, wearing a "cute" pink apron and a head wrap. Pink does not belong on psychotic U.R.T.Vs with a Lolita complex!
Oh God, no! This is just wrong! Wrong! Wrong I tell you! No more scenes for these two! I don't care what the author says!
"Wish we had a Japanese banana, it would be so very nice!"
"What a doozy Japanese banana! Don't want the cherries and rice!"
Meanwhile, Shion thought it'd be a cute idea to teach KOS-MOS how to cook. Oh, come on! Cooking? The only thing KOS-MOS needs to learn is how to oil herself!
In any case, Shion set out to cook a normal, at least in a white person's home, New Year's meal. Say, would a scientist who only seems to know how to cook curry even know how to cook a chicken properly? Let's wait and see!
"OH SH--!" cursed Shion, batting at the flames with her cooking apron, ruining a perfectly good chicken! Yes, the oven caught on fire! Who would have guessed!
That's towards the end of Shion and KOS-MOS's culinary escapade. Let's look at their other blunders, shall we?
To start it off, KOS-MOS does not know that roasting means putting something in the oven and letting cook…No, instead she armed herself with her ever trusty R-CANNON and blew the poor chicken to smithereens! You even heard it "BWAK!" before turning to a pile of ash!
And who doesn't know how to cook potatoes? Apparently, these two don't.
First try: the potatoes shriveled to the size of raisins.
Second try: the potatoes ended up looking like pieces of charcoal.
Third time: Finally, they turned out like they should look but the taste was like eating pencils! I wouldn't even be surprised if the texture was like wood and graphite.
Okay, onto the salad part. I bet you're thinking "They can't POSSIBLY screw this up!" Unfortunately, the salad did not even escape the wrath of wannabe chefs. I won't go into details about what happened, but I'll just say it didn't look like salad anymore…it probably wasn't even salad when it was done!
"I'll just make curry," Shion declared through tears of defeat! Oh the pains of defeat!"Waka Laka! Waka Laka! Waka Laka! Waka Laka's a thing to play forever, just to be together (Just to be together)! Waka Laka's a place to be forever! Waka Laka love and fantasy! " Sang Jr. and Albedo, dancing through the kitchen.
DAH! Stop singing! This isn't a musical!
Let's go back to everyone's favorite Vector engineer Allen Ridgeley. While thinking of ways to sneak a kiss with Shion he thought of some New Year's resolutions. One of them being: "Be cool for the next year and Shion will be all over you!" Hah, wishful thinking. Allen decided to start early with his resolution to be "cool".
He wandered around the First City Sector in search of something to make him look "cool". Whether it be a cape, a spandex suit that is very uncomfortable around the crotch or some glittery, sparkly, and sugar coated wand of love!
"Man," he whined after an hour, "I'm never gonna be cool! They should have Superhero pills or Be-Cool-in-10-Seconds pills!"
Allen continued to walk through the sector when he came to a very shady alley with a shady looking fortune teller dude/lady/whateverthing sitting on a table.
"Pssst, sir!" The fortune teller called out in a mysterious voice. Then he/she/it snorted and broke into a giggling fit (Is this who I think it is?), continuing it said: "I got something for you, young man!"
Intrigued Allen stepped closer to the fortune teller. "Really, will it make me cool!"
"Err… Snort, giggle…sure, sure! Whatever you want!" The fortune teller handed him a mysterious bottle that was as crusty and old as the Patriarch's face.
"EW! What the hell is that?" Shrieked Allen, at the sight of the bottle.
"Take this with a bottle of alcohol and you'll become cooler than your wildest dreams!" said the fortune teller.
"Awesome!" exclaimed Allen, pocketing the pills and running towards the nearest liquor store! I can't believe he bought that…Doesn't he know that it's bad to take pills with alcohol? I guess not.
"I can't believe he bought it," laughed the fortune teller, hysterically.
Say, aren't stores closed on New Year's?
"MOMO, could you please go to the store to buy ingredients?" Shion asked the young realian (You've got to be kidding me!). After MOMO received the mile-long shopping list, MOMO set out with the magically restored Ziggy to the grocery store!
"Um…I think it's closed," MOMO announced, with her face against the glass of the window peering in to see if anyone was inside (Would it hurt to read the sign on the door?).
"I'm sure they just left the door closed," Ziggy responded, placing a hand on the door handle and tearing it from its hinges! Did some forget to turn on Ziggy's common sense? Wasn't he a cop!
"Halt, villains!" yelled the voices of police that just so happened to be there, "Surrender peacefully or suffer the consequences!" The police officer stroke a very cheesy superhero pose, with an even cheesier strobe light backdrop and explosions that made a store nearby catch on fire, but that's beside the point!
"Never! I will finish my shopping!" Retaliated MOMO.
"There's always the BEEP treatment or the BEEP BEEEEP treatment if you don't come peacefully!"
"Are you even allowed to say that!" Ziggy cried out in shock!
"My poor virgin ears!" cried MOMO, covering her ears but the damage has already been dealt!
"Yes, so long as it's censored, I shouldn't get sued!" Replied the cop, doing an Elvis dance impersonation.
"I have my rights!" Ziggy yelled as a group of cops began to drag him away.
"Um, no you don't! The Miltian Charter gives rights to humans and realians! Didn't say smack about guys with metal asses having any rights!"
20 minutes later…
"Oh, Ziggy! I feel like we're never going to get out of here!" MOMO cried in despair sitting beside Ziggy in their cell. Why, Ziggy was already marking the minutes on the walls, despite the fact that he has a fully functional internal clock!
"We'll need to think of a way to escape from here before midnight. I wanna go on a drinking binge!" Ziggy replied. He's such a model ex-cop.
Back at the Uzuki residence, by some odd chance, Shion was actually looking Allen. The reason for this once in a lifetime shall be revealed soon enough!
"Now where could Allen be?" Shion thought out loud to herself. She opened one door to find Allen! Except, he was doing something mildly disturbing!
He shrieked when he caught Shion staring at him trying on replicas of the typical Japanese kindergarten student's uniform. Who ever said short-shorts were outta style?
"Allen! I told you to lay off the crack already!" Shion scolded.
"I'm sorry," he sobbed.
I think the reason Shion was looking for him is better left unsaid.
Let's fast forward a couple hours…
"Say, chaos," Allen asked the silver-haired youth, "what's the best way to tell someone you like them?" Why would chaos know, I wonder?
"WELL," he began, "I'd say you should just grab the person and kiss them! But that won't work for you since you're such a whiny bitch half the time! And that Vector uniform is so not sexy!" Did I mention that he suddenly acquired a Carson Kressely accent? With that said he walked away, with his chin high in the air!
"Wha--?" Allen was left stunned! He stared after chaos is sheer disbelief! What happened to the helpful chaos who never insulted anyone!
Elsewhere, Shion hit the jackpot for alcohol! A large stash of sake and all sorts of different wines and beers! Enough to keep them hung over for a week! I knew Jin sounded a little drugged sometimes!
"Oh hell yeah!" squealed Shion.
At that moment Jin came in!
"You did not just find my secret stash of alcohol, Shion!" He screamed!
"Oh yes, I did!"
"Having you been spying on me again!"
At that Jin shrieked in horror. "Even in the shower!" He asked in horror.
Now in order to keep this form dragging and furthering your brain damage let's see how the crew spends the few minutes before the fateful hour of midnight! Dun dun dun!
"And then, I totally kick his ass!" Hiccupped Shion, teetering dangerously back and forth with a bottle of sake in her hands. "It was, like, awesome!"
MOMO and Ziggy had escaped from prison, chaos got in touch with his feminine side, Jr. and Albedo were still singing random songs.
"Oh no, no, no, don't phunk with mah heart! I wonder if I take you home, would you still be in love, baby," Jr. sang lively.
Oh, for the love of….!
Jin was cautiously looking for secret cameras for he was now convinced that he was being spied on by the government, KOS-MOS was still trying to learn to cook without making food coming out like pieces of charcoal, and Allen was trying his cool pills.
"This is the moment of truth!" Allen was looking at the tiny, crusty looking pill in his palm and his more than tall glass of beer with a silly straw. He put the pill in his mouth and took a sip of beer through the silly straw.
A large fart resounded throughout the room, and probably throughout the neighborhood as well! Don't even get me started on how bad it smelled!
Albedo broke into a fit of laughter and soon passed out from lack of oxygen! The rest evacuated the house as soon as possible, while taking all the booze along! Can't forget the booze!
And thus the celebration continued outside till the early morn, while Allen was still inside crying tears of never ending shame!
Later in the day….
KOS-MOS went to asses the destruction left by Allen's monstrous fart, leaving behind the seemingly lifeless lumps of flesh that was the Xenosaga crew out in the front yard. She found the Vector employee lying on the floor, groaning like a hung over person.
"Oh I am so hung over…" He groaned.
"Oh, please, Allen," KOS-MOS said, "my records show that you only had half a glass of beer. Suck it up, you maggot!
Chaos's Notes: How did you enjoy this bastardization from hell:D Please don't kill me. I'm sorry; it's such a lame chapter! I, seriously have no sense of humor! But there are hardly any traditions for New Year's that I can spoof well. ;; Review if you wanna, but don't flame me. Thanks again to XenoMark for his help.
Song List (In order from when they are first sung):
The Oscar Meyer Weiner song – the commercials
The Coconut Song – Monty Python (I'm not sure which movie)
Japanese Banana – Alvin and the Chipmunks
Waka Laka (EMc2 Mix) – DDR 7th Mix
Don't Phunk with My Heart – Black Eyed Peas
If you want me to update faster gimme some ideas! I have no sense of humor anymore.