Summary: On a whim, The Trio decides the criteria of what the girlfriend of Harry Potter must have.
Disclaimer: I'm an HHr writer—of course I'm not JKR!
Opening Thoughts: After HBP came out, I was a little wary of putting out any fics labeled HHr in fear of rabid RHr and HG fans who would click this just so they could put their opinions and smug victory cliches in, such as: 'It's RHr and HG in canon so you need to get over it!' along with some profanity in there.
While I accept that RHr and HG are canon, please just let me have my fanfiction and be gracious winners as I am not being a sore loser.
About this fic: Written two days before HBP, originally posted at portkey. org and first fic after "Sparks of All Kinds" was completed.
Harry Potter, aged twenty-three, bespectacled and messy-haired as always, sighed as he closed the door to the flat that he shared with his two best friends, Ron Weasley and Hermione Granger, also aged twenty-three.
The two said best friends were watching a movie together, something that proved both disastrous and amusing at the same time.
"What? What kind of bloody hell logic is that, determining whether you're a witch by whether your float? What the… is that a duck?" Ron stared at the TV screen, in both awe and horror.
Hermione sighed. "It's just a parody Ron, I told you. But yes, muggles were quite stupid and did that."
Ron gasped. "This is supposed to be funny?" It was Ron's turn to pick the movie, and upon Hermione telling him that, while quite stupid, Monty Python and the Holy Grail was one of the most hilarious movies she had ever watched, Ron immediately rented it. Obviously, he was not amused at the witch part.
With that Harry knew was a roll of her eyes, Hermione responded, "Just be quiet and watch the movie, Ron."
Ron instead stood up and went to make some more popcorn, and upon seeing Harry, said, "Oy! How was your date, mate?"
Harry sighed. "A disaster. She was all the things I hated."
Hermione, turning around on the couch to face Harry, made a sympathetic noise.
"Clingy?" Asked Ron.
"Immature?" Hermione piped in.
"Obnoxious?" Ron wanted to know.
"Idiotic?" Questioned Hermione.
And together, "In your fan club?"
"Yes, yes, yes, yes… and (shudder) yes." Harry flopped on the couch and took off his glasses.
"When am I going to find Her, guys? I mean, I know I'm still young, but I want a family… you know, a blood one. You guys are great and all, but—"
Hermione interrupted. "We know, Harry. Really, it makes perfect sense."
"Yeah," Ron put in, "but good god, Harry, you really know how to pick em. You always are attracted to people who are totally wrong for you."
Hermione nodded in agreement.
Harry sighed. "Well, what should I do then?"
Ron laughed suddenly. "Put an ad in the paper or something. I can see it now, Wanted: Girlfriend for Harry Potter. Must not be clingy, immature, obnoxious, idiotic, and in his fan club." Ron winked. "That should narrow it down quite a bit, mate."
Harry laughed. "Yes, but my fan club would be quite small after that ad. Everyone would want to quit!"
Hermione rolled her eyes, but chuckled as well. "My, what a big ego," she teased.
Harry chortled. "I try."
Hermione added on, "Put this on the ad: Must be able to keep Harry and his ego in check."
"But," added Ron, "knows how to cheer him up when he's down. Able to make him laugh and joke."
"Exactly," Harry nodded. "She also has to be… understanding. Patient."
"With your mood swings," Ron joked, "Hermione and I are the only people able to withstand you."
"Harry's mood swings aren't that bad," Hermione told Ron seriously. "But still, she has to be patient, like Harry said. Kind, as well."
"Definitely," Harry put in. "She needs to have maternal instincts."
"What?" Ron demanded. "You want to marry a nag?"
Hermione rolled her eyes. "Good with children, I think Harry means."
"Handle Harry and children?" Ron's eyes were big. "She needs to be a strong woman."
"Yes," Hermione agreed. "Not a water works, like some of Harry's girlfriends." She and Ron chuckled while Harry yelled,
"Oh, come on! That was fifth bloody year!"
Once the laughter settled, Hermione said, "She needs to be… she needs to not be rash. Harry's rash enough for anyone."
"Yeah," Ron said. "Logical… smart."
"Definitely," Harry put in. "I'm not dating a bimbo." Ron and Hermione gave him looks. "Okay, well, I won't date a bimbo again."
"She shouldn't worry about looks or money or fame," Hermione said. "That's important."
"Yeah," Harry agreed. "I don't want her to be frivolous or petty either. I hate people like that."
"It would help if she was pretty too," Ron put in, "but not important, right mate?" He added on after seeing Hermione's glare.
"Right," Harry grinned.
"Is that everything?" Hermione raised her eyebrows, looking at the extensive list.
"Bloody hell, Hermione!" Harry exclaimed. "You actually wrote it out!"
"I had a quick-quill do it for me," Hermione said airily. "And besides, what if we really put in an ad?"
The boys stared at her in astonishment, but then she laughed. "Oh, I'm just kidding," she said. "I just wanted to save it for something to laugh at in later years… and besides, it may help Harry in the future.
"So," she repeated. "Is that everything?"
There was silence until Ron said, "Must love quidditch!"
Hermione scoffed, but put it down anyway.
"So," she said, "here's what we have:
-Must be able to do ego-control
-Must be able to pick Harry up when he's down
-Must have sense of humor
-Must be patient and understanding
-Must be kind
-Must be good with children (maternal)
-Must be strong (not physically)
-Must be logical/intelligent
-Mustn't care about looks/fame/money
-Must not be: frivolous, petty, clingy, immature, obnoxious, and in fan club
-Must be… pretty (?)
-Must love Quidditch."
Ron whistled. "That's quite the list."
"Yes," Hermione agreed. "Where's Harry going to find a girl like that?"
"I don't know," Harry said, a bit dazed. "Oh Merlin—I'm never going to find Her!"
Ron, having taken the list and was inspecting it, said quietly, "I think… you already found Her."
"Really?" Harry's eyebrows rose. "And who is that?"
Ron peered over at his other best friend. "Hermione."
"What!" It wasn't Harry who spoke, but Hermione. "It—it can't be me," she said meekly.
"And why not?" Ron demanded.
"Because," she said, just as meekly, looking like she wanted to curl up in a shell and never come out, "I don't like quidditch."
Ron rolled his eyes. "Bloody hell!" He exclaimed. "That was my suggestion! Look at it, Hermione: you always keep Harry in check when it comes to his ego, but at the same time you encourage and help him when he's down. Although not many know it, you actually can laugh at some things—like Monty Python (I have no bloody clue why, though—stupid movie). You're patient (though not with me) and you understand Harry better than anyone. You're kind and you nag us so often, you've got to be maternal. You're one of the strongest people I know and—bloody hell, I'm not going to even go into the smart' thing (mutters: Miss 112 on Charms Final). We all know you don't care about Harry's fame or his money or his looks. You are definitely not petty, or frivolous, or immature (that would be me), and not in his fan club (at least I don't think so….). And to be honest, you really are quite pretty, Hermione, especially since you grew your hair out (and the bushiness right with it). And as for quidditch? Well, as I said, that was my suggestion. Not Harry's. And I'm sure you don't care a bit about that, do you Harry?"
Ron turned to the silent Harry, who said, with a new look in his eyes as he gazed at Hermione, "No, I don't."
Ron noticed that Hermione refused to look at Harry (who was now staring as if he'd never seen her before.)
"You know what?" He said. "I'm going to return that movie and get something better—like Breakfast at Tiffany's. Now there's a movie." And with that, Ron left.
There was an awkward silence in the room as Harry continued to stare at Hermione who continued to stare at her feet (though they were hidden by the blanket she had wrapped around her).
"Hermione," Harry said quietly. "Is it really that crazy? You and I, together?"
It was a long moment before Hermione spoke, finally meeting Harry's eyes.
"No," she said in wonder, "it really isn't."
While the two discovered their newfound affections, the quick quill wrote one more criteria for Harry's girlfriend.
-Must be Hermione.
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Closing Thoughts: The idea came to me over dinner, and I went write to the laptop. Couldn't wait until I returned home from vacation to submit this (dedicated little bugger, aren't I?) so here it is! Done in less than an hour, so I hope it's all right.
My favorite part is Ron hating Monty Python (when you'd think he'd love it) and loving Breakfast at Tiffany's (while, an AWESOME movie, is a chick flick). Heh heh, just wanted you to know…
Anyway, constructive criticism would be great!