Disclaimer: I don't own Inuyasha, however, I do own my favorite Inuyasha episode on DVD! (squuee!)
Gothgurl: I really have no idea what inspired me to write this...well, actually, I do. I'm just used to saying I have no idea. Anyway, Kikyo, I believe, gets a lot of unfair bashing in Inuyasha fandom, because she 'gets in the way of Kagome and Inuyasha's relationship'. Well, actually, she was there first. Don't get me wrong! I root for Inukag just like everyone else, but I sympathize with Kikyo.
Beware! This fic contains excessive depressing Kikyo drabble!
So, without further ado, on with the story!
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I hate him.
Good Gods, I hate him so much!
And I hate HER, too. Come to think of it, I hate everything. I hate very living thing in this world. And why shouldn't I? Why should they be alive and whole, when I am merely a shadow? Why should I have to wander alone, when it once seemed I'd never have to be alone again?
SHE took it away. She took everything away.
No, thats not right. It was all given to her, taken away by Naraku, and dropped right into her arms. She wouldn't know what she'd done. She doesn't even know what she has, many times its almost been taken away from her to, and she doesn't even notice!
I wouldn't be so careless. Not again.
Just the name alone is enough to make my blood boil. Not always entirely in a vengeful way either. I hate him, I've said it before, I want him dead. But how can I hate him, TRULY hate him...when I love him?
At the moment, all things considered, I'd much rather just flat-out hate him. Unfortunetly it seems I have no choice in the matter. I have no choice in anything.
Isn't that the sad truth of it? The Tragic Priestess Kikyo, they call me, when I hear ones old enough to rememeber tell tales.
'The most powerful priestess in the land, she was,' they say, eyes screwed up from memory, sitting before a group of young children, eager to hear epic tales of the downfalls of demons, and the romances of maidens long ago. 'She was a beauty too, long dark hair, calm eyes...very serene woman. She protected this village down in the North, and she was entrusted with the Shikon Jewel, a jewel of such immense power, a demon would sacrifice anything just to own a chip off its side...or at least thats what they say.' the story-teller would add sagely, grinning at the looks on the childrens faces. After a dramatic pause, he would continue;
'She eventually had her downfall, though. She was foolish enough to take a hanyou -half-demon – for a lover. Trusted the thing far too much, fell in love with it. But it was evil, just as all demons are . It promised to becomes human and stay with her forever if she would only give him the jewel, and the poor woman believed him. He murdered her on the spot as soon as he had the jewel, and said she was a fool for trusting him. In her last moments, she sealed the demon away forever, so he would never use the jewel for evil. It was burned with her body, when she finally died.' the children stared in awe at their story-teller, amazed that this was a TRUE story he was telling them.
At least, half-true. Inuyasha didn't murder me, Naraku did. But everyone thought he did, 'I' thought he did, for a time. Just another mistake of The Tragic Priestess Kikyo.
All I ever wanted was to be a normal woman. Too not have to slay demons, and guard villages, and jewels, and seals. I didn't ask for the weight of the Shikon jewel on my shoulders.
Maybe I could have had a family. Maybe I could have had a husband, maybe Inuyasha, that is what he promised me, is it not? Maybe I could have had children, watched them grow up, worry about them and all the other silly things that mothers do.
That can never happen now.
Its not just Inuyasha I've lost, you see. I've lost my life, both literally and spiritually. I can never to anything, never be free, I can't even live my half life without fear, I must steal the souls of the dead just to stay in this world.
Its wrong, I know, but theres nothing I wouldn't do anymore.
I would even kill Inuyasha to be with him, even if it meant being with him in hell, I would still be with him, where no one else could have him. He was MINE to begin with! He loved ME!
Not anymore. I can't kill him, to only have him in death would be more then I can bear. If I am to have him, he must come to me first. I must know that he loves me, not HER, I couldn't go on existing forever, wondering if I am truly loved. That alone would be hell.
So I wait. I wander the world. Knowing who he's with, knowing that he's happy, knowing that I am probably in the back of his mind, a tale of fifty years ago, no more. The Tragic Priestess Kikyo.
There was peace, however, when I was truly dead. There was no time, no pain, no worry. Nothing but myself and an endless-ness. I did not think that my fiance had murdered me, there were no thoughts to think. There was no Kikyo anymore, but somehow I was still me, just faintly observing the world through misty eyes. I had no burden anymore, I could just be Kikyo, just a normal woman resting at last.
Overtime I became vaguely aware of the girl, the other, my reincarnation. Some of the mist cleared away, and then world was open to me again, but I couldn't touch it. I didn't need to, I was done with the world, and the girl could live for me.
And then, suddenly, everything became much, much heavier. Shoved unceremoniously back into life, incomplete. And the reality came crashing down. I had been dead. I was murdered. Inuyasha murdered me. I was in the afterlife. I was happy. They took that away!
And now I am incomplete.
I am not truly Kikyo. Kikyo died years ago. Kikyo lives on in that girl, oblivious and peaceful, no longer aware of who she is and not caring. I'm what was. I'm whats left-over. The hatred, the despair, and the confusion of Kikyo are what makes up me.
I'm the Tragic Priestess Kikyo.
And I've been forced back into the life that I loathed so much, nothing left to do but slay more demons, protect more villages, and search for the shards of the jewel.
And long for Inuyasha.
And I will always be obsessed.
He loves Kagome, he loves me too he says, in a way that Kagome will never replace, but are equal in a way. He has a future with her, he is happy with her. With me there is only a past to be dragged behind us.
I should just let him live his life, never see him again, wander far far away.
But I'm obsessed. But that won't get me anywhere either.
Maybe I should just let myself die. Let the dead keep their souls.
But that path has only hell. A lonely, harsh, hell.
So I belong in neither life nor death, I cannot live, for my life has long been over, taken over by Kagome.
The one he belongs with now. The girl who hasn't yet had her heart-broken, not truly.
And I cannot die, because I have sinned.
And I will have to keep sinning, and sinning, and wander the world as a shadow, the Tragic Priestess Kikyo, just looking for some kind of peace.
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Gothgurl: ..ehe...(sweatdrop) you could tell I was feeling moody when I wrote this, huh? Sorry if its crap, I wrote this in an hour as an alternative to doing homework, but its my first Inuyasha fanfic I've actually started and finished, so I'm happy! Can't you also tell I adore Kikyo?
Anyway, review if you thought it was good and tell me where I could improve (but don't be too harsh please! I just wrote this for fun! So no flaming!) and tell me if I should write more Inuyasha stuff. See ya later, fellow fanfic authors.