Disclaimer- I don't own Zelda. I am not to be responsible for mental damage this fic may cause.
Warning: Twice the amount of OOCness and insanity recommended by your fanfiction doctor. Please take responsibly.
"I'm sooooooooo bored..."Rauru complained.
Hey. You try being stuck inside an infinitesimal void for all eternity.
After another moment of looking at nothingness again, he turned towards the only other occupant of this absolutely dreadful place.
The kid was, as always, sleeping.
This of course, did not deter the most likely insane old man.
"Lazy kid... always sleeping!" the Sage of Light grumbled, kicking his feet at the pillar of blue light. "Why the heck did I sign up for this gig, anyway?"
Mists covered the scene, and that dumb jingle that signals a flashback commenced...
A very young, long haired Rauru blinked, and looked around himself. "Yes? Who's there?"
"Up here, dumbass."
Looking up, he gaped, mind grinding to a wonderful halt.
Three gorgeous women were floating right in front of him...
After that, everything was sort of a blur. He heard something about protecting Hyrule, defending the balance of things, goddesses, something about a Tri whatchamacallit...
But mostly, he was simply staring, slack jawed vacant look dominating his face.
"Do you understand?" one of them asked.
Rauru nodded vacantly, still blatantly staring.
"Good." And with that, he vanished.
"Curse my libido!" Rauru swore, grumbling about unclothed deities. "I didn't know it included being stuck in this place for all eternity!"
He wished that at the very least, the Goddesses would have given him a window to the outside world, or a board game, or something to take away the boredom!
Sighing, the Sage of Light turned back towards the kid. He frowned. The boy's clothes were tearing...
"Ah hell. You mean now I'm stuck with a naked kid for the rest of Eternity? Just effing great." He groaned, slapping his forehead. "Damn it kid! The least you could do is put some clothes on."
He paused, and turned away. "I'll leave you alone so you can change," he said, forgetting the fact that they were stuck in the infinitesimal void. Again with the probably not sane thing.
After a Goddess knows how long amount of time, he turned back, to find the boy... even more naked than before.
"Oh for Din's sake!" Rauru cried, shaking his head. "Don't tell me I've got to change this kid too."
He looked around, and found nothing but the void... again. Then he looked down at himself. Then he looked at the now almost naked kid. Then back at himself.
The Sage of Light sighed. "I guess I have no choice..."
Meanwhile, on a higher plane of existence, with the harps and the shiny lights...
"Damn it Din, turn off that frickin harp or I'll blast you into oblivion!" one light screamed furiously.
"Screw you Naryu! All you ever want to do is read. Bookworm!" a second light taunted.
"BOTH OF YOU SHUT THE HELL UP!" a third light shouted.
"Oh screw you Faore! And the high horse you rode in on!" Din snapped.
"WHAT WAS THAT!" the Goddess of Courage slammed into the Goddess of Power and they rolled about in the heavens, screaming and hissing and spitting.
Meanwhile, Naryu, as was her habit of trying to be omniscient, glanced down at the Sacred Realm...
And screamed as though she had seen a glimpse of infinite horror.
And she had.
"HOLY SHIT! DIN! FAORE! YOU NEED TO SEE THIS!"
The two Goddesses stopped fighting to see just what had freaked the Goddess of Wisdom out so.
And they screamed as well.
Rauru was naked.
Rauru was naked and currently trying to disrobe the Hero of Time.
"OH HELL!" the three Goddesses screamed in unison.
"I can't watch..." Naryu choked, turning away.
"Me neither," Din muttered, covering her eyes.
"Like hell that dumbass is going to violate my champion!" Faore screamed, surging earthwards.
"Goddess Speed, Faore. Goddess speed." Naryu murmured.
"Amen to that."
After a moment, the two remaining Goddesses looked at each other.
"You want to go screw with another mortal's life?" Din asked.
Now, being stuck in the Sacred Realm would make anyone lonely. And a bit crazy.
So as Rauru began to place his heavy robes on the kid, he took a moment to look the boy over. After all, who knew when he'd see another human being...
First of all, holy shit. This kid was armed. And not just the sword on his back either...
Secondly, apparently sleeping for seven years does not atrophy your muscles, but instead builds muscles in a way that normally requires years of training.
Damn did that boy's muscles look nice... perhaps he could have a-
"STOP RIGHT THERE!"
He turned around to see a fuming mad-
The years of isolation crashed down on him in an instant.
This time, he passed out as his nose burst with blood.
Faore sighed. At least from the slack jawed look, Rauru was incapacitated for now. With a relieved look on her face, she turned towards her Hero...
And her own face mirrored the Sage of Light's.
"Da-yum," the deity of Courage murmured huskily. "Hello salty goodness..."
She ran her hands over his chiseled chest, breathing in his manly scent. With a sigh of abandon, Faore buried her nose in his soft, silky blonde hair, breathing in more of his scent. Meanwhile, her hands traveled farther south...
And despite her deified status, blushed as she found his... erm... sword. The Goddess licked her lips hungrily. "Mm... I do my work well..."
With that, she-
A year of underage, unconscious (yet somehow very good) events later...
Faore sighed happily, nuzzling Link's chest.
"Ah... that was great..." the Goddess looked up at the still sleeping Hero, and gasped. "Why you naughty boy... you want to go again?"
Perhaps being in the Sacred Realm made anyone crazy.
Luckily, divine intervention happened.
"Damn it Faore! What are you doing!" Din grumbled, floating behind her sister.
"Seriously... you've been gone so long that we've already messed up half of the world's lives without you!" Naryu added. "What've you been doing?"
The Goddess of Courage turned towards her sister's, a glazed, happy looked in her eyes. She stepped aside, revealing the still very much naked Hero of Time.
The effect was instantaneous.
"Oh... Ganondorf's got nothing on him..." Din murmured hungrily, rubbing her hands together.
"Oh my..." Naryu whispered eloquently, a full blush enveloping her face. "Can I have him first?"
"No girls... we share him." Faore replied, smiling.
Din and Naryu blinked.
And blinked again.
And then... "You are a Goddess amongst Goddesses," Din praised, bowing deeply.
"Yippee!" Naryu cheered, nearly knocking Faore over as she hug-tackled her sister.
Three hours of sweat and... other stuff later...
Din and Naryu were curled up against the, you guessed it, unconscious and naked Link, right and left sides respectively. Faore was perched on top of the Hero of Time, like a cat, curled into a ball.
"Naryu?" the Goddess of Courage asked sleepily, lifting her head up.
"Yeah Faore?" Naryu asked, nuzzling deeper into Link's side, not opening her eyes.
"How long until he gets out?" Faore asked.
"A year or so... why?" the Goddess of Wisdom questioned, looking up at her sister.
Din however, caught on much faster. "Oh... you are wicked, sister." She said gleefully.
Faore merely smirked. "This is going to be a fun year..."
On the appointed day...
"Oh... today's the day," Naryu grumbled unhappily.
"Ah well... we'll always have the memories." Din said, stretching her limbs.
Faore merely grinned. "Don't worry girls... if he dies, we can play with him for all eternity."
The two other Goddesses looked at their fellow with amazement, before a shared grin emerged.
"I never thought I'd say this, but Go Ganondorf!" Naryu crowed, nearly dancing.
"In the meantime... we can't exactly let him run around naked." Din said, glancing back at their Hero.
Two nods made it unanimous. In a flash, they enlarged his old clothes and quickly clothed Link.
Just as Faore was about to shake the still comatose Rauru awake, Din shouted, "Wait!"
The other two turned towards the Goddess of Power. "Look, I know you want to go for another round, but this is really, really important. Look, I even put it in my day planner." Faore said, lifting a small notebook, which held the words:
No more Hero-toy. And an unhappy face, for good measure.
"No... what I mean is, he needs to look bad ass. He can't just wear that green skirt. What kind of hero would he be then." Din explained.
"What do you suggest?" Naryu asked curiously.
Din lifted a single golden earring into the air. "This should do."
"I think it might make him look like a deviant..." Faore commented, before her eyes brightened. "Which will keep those stupid mortal wenches away from him!"
Three grins watched as the golden hoop was placed carefully into the pointy ear.
"What do you think will happen if he wins?" Naryu asked, glancing at her other two sisters.
"Well, then we'll have to give him a reward..." Din said, eyes glinting.
"What should we do in the meantime?" Faore asked, sighing unhappily.
The three Goddesses looked at each other again.
"You want to mess with another mortal's life?" Din asked nonchalantly.
"Yes!" Naryu crowed, doing a little jig. "I like that plan!"
Faore nodded in agreement, grinning mischievously. "Maybe we should mess with Zelda's gender identity again... we haven't done that in a while."
"I like your way of thinking sister."