Dear journal,

Ok. So we set out from Elrond's house with mummy and daddy Elrond waving at their sweet little Aragorn son all teary eyed. It was enough to make me vomit, but I don't vomit, unless I do it for effect.

So I'm all, yeah, I'm going to lead us all out of the gate and look the prettiest, and when we get a few miles away I'll kill everyone and eat the ring. For fun. Then i'll tell Sauron that Sam ate it. I hate Sam.

But THEN! Then we all have to wait while Mr and Mrs Elrond fuss over dear lil Aragorn, like he's not spoilt enough. Fucking human. I'd get really pissed off but I just keep reminding myself that humans don't live very long. It's just like being nice to an old person in a retirement village.

FUCK FUCK FUCK.

They're all, 'look son, we fixed your sword for you!'

" Gee, thanks mum and dad!" said sweetie sugar smarmy Aragorn pants, whose face I HATE

They're all 'do you have your lunch-box, dear? Will you write to us, sweetie? Do be careful of those slightly nasty orcs! They can be a bit rough.'

NO SHIT. I KNOW THAT. EVEN THAT SWEATY BEARDED FREAK KNOWS THAT. AND THE OTHER SWEATY BEARDED FREAK. The only people who DON"T know that are the puny little hobbits, but I figure they're only coming with us as a kind of mobile snack anyway, or to amuse us. Like you take a soccer ball to the beach. You need something to kick around.

It'll be HILARIOUS when they first meet an orc or two. I totally am taking photos for facebook.

The way I see it, right, if we're gonna be on this questyquest a long time, we'll need something fresh to eat. Hobbits are awesome cos they walk on their own little feet, just like people. We don't even have to carry them. And, even better, because they're alive, they'll still be fresh whenever we decide to eat them. It'll be great.

Also, I'm a vegetarian so I need something to eat. i reckon Sam would feed us all.

I told Aragorn this, and he laughed nervously, as if i was joking. I'm not. Sam really would feed us all.

Aragorn also said: I wouldn't really mind carrying Frodo. If he needs help, i mean. I'd be glad to help.

EW. I threw up (for effect). So he hit me.

I told Boromir and he muttered something to himself, and looked all crazy like. So i muttered to myself and pretended to look all crazy like, so he hit me.

I told Gimli and he was very rude about elves. Called me a murdering psychopath. So I threatened to eat him, and took a bite out of his beard. It tasted like noodles if noodles had been dried for a year and rolled in some pondweed. So he hit me.

Merry and Pippin skipped up and asked me why Gimli had hit me. It's so cute, the way they look like they're capable of rational thought. They almost seem to be responding to what's going on. I told them i was going to eat them. They laughed nervously. So i hit Aragorn.

A bit later, this guy walks up to Boromir and starts trying to suck his blood. I was all like, hilarious! I'm gonna join in! So I was about to shoot Boromir right, with my favourite pointy sharp weapons, and then the sun came out, and what did the freaking blood sucker do? He started sparkling in the sunlight. What the FUCK?? WHO SPARKLES IN THE SUN?? Anyway, the light dazzled me and I ended up shooting Mr Twinkle by accident.

I felt a great disturbance in the force, as if a million fangirls had cried out in disappointed lust, and were suddenly silenced.

Oh well.

this quest is going to be AWESOME. I'm so glad i'm in charge.

PS Happy 21st Julia. I hate you. I hate everyone! You're not even special! HAHAHA. SHAME. I AM SPECIAL. I AM MORE SPECIAL THAN YOU. WHY DO YOU EVEN CARE. DON'T LOOK AT ME LIKE THAT. FINE!!! FUCK YOU TOO! I DIDN'T ASK TO BE BORN.