Well well well. What can I say? Insomia makes you write some crazy things. Hope you like it, and Im begging you to review cos I like this one and want some feedback, kay?
So R&R once you're done. Shounen-ai so if you dont like, dont read!
Disclaimer: ( cue sing song voice) I do not nor will I ever own the cast of YugiOh, if I did, well lets just say things'd be very different. I do however own the rights to Yugi's thoughts in this fanfic so I bid you welcome to my crazy world.
Yugi's thoughts late at night
I think they're all crazy. All slightly unhinged, touched in the head if you will, afew beers short of a six-pack...
And I for one dont blame them. After all, being stuck for countless millenia in an object with no one to talk to would drive anyone round the bend. At least, I think it would. I know that I'd proberbly flip out.
I remember asking Yami what it was like once before. To be stuck under the desert sand while the ages passed you by. To be living in time yet stuck outside it, never changing, never being able to truly live. I remember how he sat silent and shivered once without replying for a long while, before he looked up at me and quietly said: " Aibou, it was as dark as eternity and as deep as oblivion. I remember waking and there was no light, no air and no sound. It was a dungeon which held your mind and your soul. I remember screaming and fighting and straining against this invisible foe. I remember begging and pleading and whimpering longing for a release. And this is one of the reasons I can never be bear being seperated from you. Because none of us who were buried under that sand have a wish to return to that nothingness. None of us have a wish to spend forever alone."
He was so quiet after that. I think he was trapped in the memories of that time, reliving some of those awful moments. I shook him slightly but he didn't respond. So I curled up next to him and waited in silence till he smiled again and held me close. But his eyes gave it away that things still weren't right. They were bleak. He had eyes that were as empty and desolute as a madman on a cliff, or a suicider with the razor in their hand and their last reason for living snuffed out.
I was trembling in his arms and tried to control it, but it didn't work. Yami picked up at once what was wrong and the look in his eyes vanished. Now he was trying to comfort me! Almost as if he were now afraid of how I'd reacted after looking into his soul…the blackest pit of hell. And almost as if he was afraid that I'd leave him. Leave him to that blank nothingness. How can he not realise that I'd do anything to fill that void within him? How can he not realise that I'd give anything to keep him with me forever and all eternity?
Now that I think about it, all the others also have empty eyes, dead eyes. Eyes that are sometimes lit with a mad desire and hunger. A yearning for warmth and companionship. A yearning to be needed. A wish and a hope to never be abandoned.
Marik and Malik, Ryou and Bakura. They all seem content enough, and yet, I wonder if the hikari's know the depths of their Yami's abandonment? I wonder if they too have felt the soul chilling, mind numbing cold that emanate from their darkness's memories of their time trapped in the sands of Egypt.
Perhaps it shouldn't matter. Maybe I should forget this happened... but every time I close my eyes now, I see the darkness in his. I've probably seen it a million times before, but never that clearly. Never before has it hit so close to home. I mean, sure his laughed in ways that no normal sane person should, and I've commented about that to him often enough, but he still does it in his head sometimes so I can't hear him. Funnily enough it doesn't really matter too much to me...As long as the others don't hear him that's okay.
On the flip side, there's Ryou's Yami who laughs out loud like a madman at every given opportunity. And that laughter reveals pointed canines that remind you of dangers late at night, and who is someone you'd never feel comfortable with alone in a dark alley. But I have my Yami so it doesn't bother me anymore.
Then there's Marik who is, by all accounts crazy. But how do you define madness? Is it madness to bring the one you love trinkets and gifts? Should it matter that they've been torn off corpses and are still dripping in blood? Would you consider us hikari's mad for putting up and protecting our counter halves? For daring to fall in love and embrace the darkness? To revel being with those who balance our innocence?
And how innocent is innocent? Can Marik actually be defined as innocent? He's almost as unbalanced as his Yami is. But our common tie is the fact that we love them, no matter who they've killed for whatever reasons. Yami kills as revenge, Bakura kills for gold and jewels and anyone who's annoyed him, and Malik kills on whims, mere fancies. But the common tie is that all of them kill anyone who looks at them and us funnily, almost as a retribution for daring to lay eyes, or hands on us...
But can any of those deaths honestly be justified? Do they have the right to break people like toys? And it is for us that they do this. For us hikari's. The innocents who see such horrors. The innocents who secretly delight in their other halves freedom to indulge in such things. The innocents who secretly wish that they too could know that thrill and that feeling of power that accompany it. The Yami's are almost perfect knights in shining armour at times...that is, if the armour they wear is made from blood and bone.And shattered lives and spirits...vengence and chaos follow them wherever they go...yet to us they are spotless...
But I'm digressing again. This isn't the train of thought I started on... oh yes. I was thinking about how the Yami's are mental and the hikari's are in love with them regardless...I do love my Yami and will do anything to keep him safe... Even lie to those I hold most dear. After all grandpa would have a fit if he knew that Yami sleeps here in my bedroom with me. He'd have a heart attack if he knew we shared the same bed. And if he ever found out that I kiss and cuddle my Yami I probably wouldn't survive the night…not that the Pharaoh would let anything happen to me...
Infact, he'd probably sweep me off my feet and carry me out before grandpa even realizes what's happening.
And nothing would please me more. But I have a responsibility. And a duty, no matter how onerous, I have to forfill. Plus where would we live if we ran away? And how would we survive with no one to provide food or money for rent or…..
Im getting ahead of myself again aren't I? I usually take each day as it comes so it should be wrong to dream of things that would never happen...that could never happen, no matter how much I wish and want them too. Yami and I will still have to have this relationship in secret because I know that no matter what the others say, none of them are broad-minded enough to accept us.
And I cry myself to sleep at night because of this forbidden love. Yet I wouldnt give it up for the world or anyone in it. My Yami is my air, without him I would die, and the others feel the same as I do. No matter how nasty Bakura can be to Ryou he would never let his hikari get hurt. And Malik and Marik are more screwed up then any of us, but they too would rather die then lose each other.
And so we love and lie in shadows, and secrets become our existance. And none of us would exchange this for a normal mundane life. For once you have been embraced by the darkness, how can you ever be satisfied by anything else?
I know that I never can be, and neither will Yami.
His here again, wrapping his arms around me, and nibbling my ear.
" Yami, stop it, Im trying to think..."
" Come to bed little one, leave such musings for daylight."
How can he know that these secrets that I think, thoughts that shy from the light of day? But it matters not. He is here, and all that I long for is to be in his arms. And this is how eternity should be. Together, him and me...
Well...? Good, bad, wierd? Hit the reveiw button and let me know. I'd really appreciate it.
Queen Of Fire and Chaos