Love Like A Bad Porn Movie
Dedicated to "Necro" or whatever the anon. reviewer's name
really is. I don't know whether you are serious or kidding, either
way, your review inspired me to write this chapter.
"Harry! Come quick!" Voldemort called to his would-be lover in a slight panic. They were out of their body casts since the morning and because of a spell called the "Plotus Holeus" their muscles hadn't atrophied or any of that complex detail.
Harry jogged to catch up with Voldemort who was running to one of the mansion- no, castle's various, nameless rooms. Voldemort had captured Trelawney and had been waiting for her to make another prediction. She finally had. It was a big moment.
"A snake with red eyes and a lion with green eyes will fall in love and they will produce a child with that muddy brown coloured eyes and the child will be a snion and if this doesn't happen, the world will end. It must happen!"
Treelawey finished her prediction and fell to the ground in a dramatic faint.
"Oh no!" Harry exclaimed, grabbing his cheek, "how will we ever figure out what it means! It must be in some sort of code!"
Snape, who had also appeared in the room eyed him for a moment, "...we-..." he stopped, eyed the surprised Harry again, "I think," he said delicately, "that m-preg must make an appearance."
"Oh dear! Oh dear! But what's mapreg?" Harry said, swooning slightly, "and what's a snion?"
"I think, Harry, that a 'snion' is a mix of the words 'snake' and 'lion'."
"But what's mepreg?"
"Well," Snape began, "I- um, I, er, how do I explain this... usually someone more cuddly like Dumbledore would explain this."
Harry was still staring at him.
"Sometimes, when a man loves another man very much, um, they, er, have relations and those relations produce a child."
Harry still looked clueless,
"because one gets pregnant,"
"a child in his stomach,"
nuttin behind those purdy green eyes,
"because they had sex."
"Ohhhh," Harry said, but Snape could tell he still really didn't get the concept. That was perhaps because it didn't make much sense.
"But there's more," Snape said, "Th-"
He was interrupted by a strange, hacking, gurgling sound on the floor. Trewlaney was choking on her tongue. They all watched her for a moment, they looked back to Snape.
"There are specific... conditions... that induce the... m-preg."
"Like?" Harry asked, "if it doesn't happen, the world will end, right?"
Snape nodded, "Now Harry, it's ok if suddenly you want to become very angry and run away. That would be fine because after a few good sobs, maybe some breaking stuff, you'll realize how much you love your baby and you'll come around and-"
Just then, Voldesex burst in the door.
"Baby!" he said to Harry, "I have news!"
"What is it Darhling?" Harry asked, a minor type-o gave him very suddenly a thick accent.
They were all shocked. This wasn't how it was supposed to go! Harry was supposed to be the one carrying the child! He was young and vaguely feminine! This was just weird. Not the normalness and sensicalness that pregnant-Harry would be.
"But 'ow?" Barren!Harry asked, "we've never 'ad sex!" for some reason Harry's newfound accent wasn't consistent. Probably that darned "plotus holeus" spell again.
Voldemort launched into a long explanation involving magic, prophecies, an ancient power and their effulgent love that explained it. Also, the "plotus holeus" spell was still in effect and may have played a part.
"... All I know, Harry, is that I will love our baby more than I have loved any of the other babies I've had with people like Lily Potter, Molly Weasley, Ginny Weasley, Hermione Granger...," he continued to list people, "...and once or twice with Frank Bryce. In those various other universes. Overseen by various other writers- opps, I mean, gods. This child will be special."
"...Wait..." said Snape, "now I'm supposed to be ensuring that Harry remains a virgin, has this child with Voldemort and isn't killed?"
"I suppose," said effulgent!Voldemort.
"Also..." Treelawnknee rose from her death till she was floating and continued her prophecy, "you must make sure Gryffindor wins the house cup, but you must play seeker in guise of Harry as he is too in love to play, you must hide Harry and Voldemort's relationship from his friends, this must also involve you dressed as Harry and a few embarrassing encounters especially when Ron wants to confess something private to Harry. You must continue giving Potions classes, fend of Draco when he suddenly decides he loves you (as in the universes of love between Harry and Voldemort, no one can seem to swing straight) and develop a meaningful friendship with Hermione until she enlists you to help her get into McGonnagal's Depends and you realise it would never work between you."
"ARE YOU SURE THAT'S WHAT MUST HAPPEN?" asked Severus, a capslock button out of charater.
Generally, the story ends here. No one seems to finish these things. But as I am kind...
The future involves lots of sex, innuendo and a couple embarrassing double entendre-ed phrases involving the words "broom", "wand", "dragon", "snake", "doodle" (that one was Ron's.)
At one point, Severus takes a marker to his face and draws a scar and some glasses when he wants to disguise himself as Harry. No one seems to notice that Harry has turned into a surly, middle aged man, with long hair, a hooked nose and bizarre face paint.
After Draco is repeatedly described as "a stunning blonde with a petite frame, soft lips and curves in all the right places" he gives in and starts calling himself Dracina and wears a dress. It was weird.
Hermione hooks up with McGonagal. It was weirder.
Voldemort and Harry's baby, James Leo Lucifer the First, is born with the perfect mix of Harry's intelligence and Voldemort's tolerant good nature.
Harry learns he doesn't like the taste of eggplant and they break up. Voldemort, heartbroken, jumps off a cliff and is killed.
Harry realizes Dracina is the girl for him and together they raise James Leo Lucifer the First. Everyone lives happily ever after. Effulgently.
The whole damn story was weird.
Ok, that was the end. I hope you enjoyed it, I'm sure we've all grown a little after experiencing a timeless love such as that of HP/LV.