Non-author's notes: Laryna6, here. A while ago on livejournal and the DMCfanfic yahoo group, I commented that as the Legend of Sparda was such a popular legend in their world, Hollywood had to have done a movie about it. Several movies, and other things, like games… SNL skits… I wanted to do a fic, with the DMC cast MSTing such a movie, but as I know nothing about actors and director names… She known as Nagia on volunteered to write a movie review of a fake Sparda movie for me to have them MST. She wants to make it clear that she is not responsible for this, and the fault is evenly divided between me for coming up with the idea and its real writer: Sean Couch, a crazed otaku who has now been evicted from her fetid imagination. The next chapter contains my MST.
Title: The Life of a Man
Notes: ...This is friggin' WEIRD, okay? It's more a world-building exercise than a story, but whatever.
The Life of a Man
MANKIND IS NOT AN IMITATION. THAT WOULD REQUIRE KNOWLEDGE OF WHAT HE IMITATES, AND THE WILL TO DO SO. MANKIND IS EVEN LESS THAN THAT.
Hugh Jackman, as Sparda, delivers the above line in The Life of a Man. You'd never believe it, but the man who delivers that line is actually the hero of the story. The only reason I'm quoting that line is that it has something to do with the topics at hand: the movie (The Life of a Man) and the sheer mass of Sparda movies out there. There are, I kid you not, dozens of movies based on the Sparda legend. It's a story we all know, right? Two thousand years ago, hell tried to take over earth, but the Amazing Powerful Demon named Sparda turned against the other demons and fought for us. Nobody knows why. Supposedly, he's still keeping the earth safe. Anyway, all of these movies have the same basic plot, a lot of the same elements, and generally, the same take on Sparda.
AH, MUNDUS, MUNDUS. WHAT A JOY IT WOULD BE TO BE A FOOL AGAIN.
Not so in this case. Now, I'll confess, I'm a huge Sparda geek. It's a truly amazing legend. And this, my friend, is a truly amazing movie. The Life of a Man is not at all about the life of a man.
TRY NOT TO THINK OF THIS AS A BETRAYAL. INSTEAD, LOOK AT IT AS THE INEVITABLE COMING TO PASS.
It's about the life of a demon. I have never seen a more beautiful rendition of the Sparda legend. Somehow, it manages to come across as a mix of Arthurian legend and Roman mythology. Stephen Herd is one of the greatest directors in the speculative cinema genre, and he has outdone himself on this one. Somehow, even while mixing in Arthur, Hercules, and Dracula into this movie, he managed to stay true to the basic components of the original Italian legend.
HAVE YOU EVER TRIED GETTING MARRIED? I HEAR THAT MARRIAGE IMPROVES A WOMAN'S CIRCUMSTANCES.
Let's start with the basics of the basics. The script. In order to film a movie, you need a script. And let me tell you, this script is a beauty. There are so many memorable lines that came from this script... The Sparda character is simply amazing. When he's evil, he's evil— but not in the stereotypical "I kick puppies" way. You can tell that his evil isn't something that he works at. He's evil not because he kills humans, but because he does so with no remorse. He's a monster because he doesn't operate on human logic, doesn't feel human feelings, doesn't love or feel affection or even care at all about anybody but himself.
This is what makes Sparda great. This is what makes me love this movie. The Sparda character is incredibly complex.
I AM NOT AN EWE, SPARDA. MANKIND IS NOT A COLLECTION OF SHEEP. WE FEEL AND THINK AND BREATHE JUST THE WAY YOU DO. ADMIT IT, SPARDA. YOU DESTROY US BECAUSE YOU FEAR US. YOU FEAR THAT HUMANS HAVE SOMETHING DEMONS LACK.
Sparda wasn't the only great guy. Lucrezia, Sparda's love interest, is also an excellent character. She's funny and insightful, and mostly unafraid of Sparda. Watching Liv Tyler and Hugh Jackman interact was simply amazing. The rapport between Sparda and Lucrezia is extremely obvious— they aren't always friends, but even when Sparda is evil, they aren't enemies, either. She plays off Sparda, taunting him, giving him serious food for thought. Not only that, but she is willing to put her life on the line for her beliefs.
DON'T PATRONIZE ME, LUCREZIA. I MADE MY CHOICE, AND IT HAD NOTHING TO DO WITH YOU.
There is, however, a slight problem with the script. Namely, Sparda frequently sounds stiff. I know this is to emphasize the fact that Sparda isn't human, but still. This movie is very gory. Sparda kicks a lot of ass... So why doesn't he seem to be kicking ass? He doesn't taunt his enemies, he doesn't talk about his strength, he doesn't even say he's going to kill his opponent. He either kills the enemy without a word or has a genuine conversation with him. Everything he says is sincere. Twisted, cruel, but very much a genuine conversation.
DO NOT SNUFF THE CANDLE, LUCREZIA. IN THE HOUSE OF A DEMON, THERE IS NOWHERE THAT DARKNESS CANNOT TOUCH YOU.
The tragic story between Sparda and Lucrezia seems to have drawn in the same audience that Titanic drew in. People keep talking about how gory this movie is, and how it blurs the lines between "teeny-bopper" and "adrenaline junkie". This movie is not for teeny-boppers. Yes, it's contains one of those "hot" male actors. But it's not a teeny-bopper movie. The fact that thirteen year old girls are flocking to this movie is highly disturbing.