Disclaimer: If I owned B5 I would be a genius by the name of JMS... I'm not. Clear? Good.
A/N: Basically during a University tutorial today we were discussing the nature of so called 'true dreams'. This is supposedly when someone remembers something they heard when they were asleep or unconscious or something like their own birth or alternately see their own future… A pretty strange concept but it gave me an idea for a pair of Susan/Marcus ficlets. Please bear with me and the fact that I'm writing this at 2am and therefore might have to come back tomorrow and re-write this as well as writing the Marcus component.
People say they don't want to die when what they really mean is they're afraid of what comes after death. Sometimes I think death wouldn't be so bad, no bureaucrats banging on the door all day, no regrets pounding through your skull at night until you toss and turn so much that you have Rangers in your room thinking your being attacked.
Sometimes the outlook becomes so bleak and you can't see anything to be hopeful about that you just want to open an airlock and die.
Sometimes I feel that way. I feel that way right now.
I've felt it a lot of times, generally it leads to a lot of yelling and people usually end up scared, pissed off or laughing, not openly – but I see it in their eyes.
I hate it when people laugh at me.
John used to do it to me. I'd see the laughter in his eyes, Delenn did the same as did Marcus.
Marcus and his bloody jokes, constantly trying to crack a smile out of me. Sometimes I think me smiling at one of his jokes made his day. I wish someone's smile could make my day.
I can close my eyes and conjure Marcus, but the smile isn't the kind he worked so hard to get and it's not the one I wore when he wasn't looking. It's bitter and it's wrinkly.
I'm starting to look like my grandmother. Shit that's bad. Not as Bad as Marcus's smile though, looking at me from memory, half-cocky/half-endearing, all with that look of worship in his eyes.
I wasn't worthy of it then, I'm not now. I'm a mess. I don't know what he saw in me with those dreamy eyes. Carefully I roll over, the young Ranger outside gets very excited and wants to offer me food and drink if he thinks I'm awake. Slowly the darkness is drifting in a fogginess that is clouding my thoughts.
Marcus… My last though is a vision of him standing over me, dark eyes filled with a strange bitter regret as his lips move slowly.
"You'll never know."
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