You are All of This to Me

Plot: Robin and Raven are dating. Beast Boy hates it. So what happens when he stumbles upon Raven's journal? A modern twist on the whole "you-read-my-diary-and-now-you-know-how-I-really-feel" plot. BB/R! ONE-SHOT! Fair warning: This story is at least seven years old, and I currently have no plan to write a sequel or epilogue.

Author's Notes: I originally wrote this story back in 2005, when I was hardly thirteen years old. I've recently stumbled madly in love with my OTP (BBRae3) once again. Now that I'm twenty, I find my old fanfictions pretty embarrassing, lacking any sort of luster, and drowning in a mess of plot holes, out-of-character dialogue, and fluff. In order to make myself cringe less when reading these stories, I've decided that it's high time I clean this nonsense up.

Disclaimer: My story, my poems, our beloved Titans.

They had been dating casually for a little under a month now.

Robin and Raven had grown considerably close over the few years they'd been kickin' bad guy butt together as Teen Titans. They were similar in many ways - both of them reserved, mature (for the most part), and intelligent - and it seemed only natural that the two decided to give dating a shot. Much to everyone's surprise, Robin proposed a laid-back movie date to Raven towards the beginning of the month, and Raven - whom had never encountered any real quarrels with Robin, and in fact enjoyed his presence - simply agreed. What harm could it do?

Despite how anti-climactic and unsatisfying they both found the movie, it turned out to be a lovely night for the two of them; an evening brimming with lighthearted laughs and quality conversations. After a few more casual, private outings - to Jump City's art museum, a few more movies, and a slightly-sickening burger joint - the relationship between the two progressed a bit. Now seventeen, Robin had some slight experience with ladies in the past, and was not afraid to (cautiously, if he sensed Raven's approval) grab her hand, put his arm around her, or kiss her if he felt the timing and chemistry were fitting.

Raven had been surprisingly cooperative. She had admittedly not thought about Robin in a romantic way before, but after settling matters with her father on her sixteenth birthday a half year earlier, she was much more in control of her powers and emotions. Still preferring to remain in solitary in general, she was no longer terrified of what might happen if she were to let herself experience what life had to offer her. She and Robin got along finely, he treated her well, and though she appreciated his companionship, he knew when to give her space. It was a nice arrangement for the both of the "birds of the dark", and having Robin as her partner definitely made Raven seem happier than ever.

At first.

Smitten with excitement and curiosity, the first few weeks of the relationship went by swimmingly, but the feeling soon wore off. Three and a half weeks in, the two no longer outwardly showed much affection - a few smiling conversations, sitting close on the couch, and pecks on the cheek were present, but nothing extravagant. Robin and Raven were almost constantly in one another's company, unless one of them was cooped up in their room, but they did not even often exchange glances even while they were together. The butterflies disappeared, and the two settled into simply seeming content.

Most of the other Titans had learned to accept the new arrangement. Cyborg acted generally unphased regarding the entire situation. Starfire, still too stubborn to let Robin know precisely how serious she'd like their relationship to be, simply asked the couple to keep their displays of affection at a minimum around her. While she wasn't exactly happy that Robin was seeing another girl, she understood that he in no way belonged to her. This was her fault, of course; she'd had plenty of chances to be more direct with the Boy Wonder. Regardless of whatever emotional limbo she remained in with Robin, she cherished her two closest friends dearly, and had frequent "heart-to-heart" talks with Raven as often as possible to assure herself that the relationship was nothing too serious. She merely wanted them to be happy and, in the mean time, planned to sort her own feelings out.

Beast Boy, however, quietly found the relationship sickening.

Furthermore, Raven had almost stopped talking to Beast boy all together. Nothing more than an occasional "Hello" in the hallways and an "Are you okay?" every time one of them needed assistance or came close to injury in battle. Though Raven had no apparent issues conversing and coexisting with Cyborg and even Starfire, she seemed to avidly avoid Beast Boy whenever possible. She'd shut him down much more passively whenever he'd attempt to joke around with her, and she'd often make an effort to leave the main room if he remained present for longer than a few minutes. It was eating him up inside, and the awkwardness around her became unbearable. Who knew he could ever miss Raven this much? The same person who constantly made fun of him and verbally, mentally, and physically attacked him was now the only thing that occupied his mind.

He found himself thinking about her nearly all the time. 'Where's Raven?' and 'I wonder when Raven'll start talking to me again' were his two most consistent thoughts.

So on this bright and early April morning, Beast Boy's heart skipped a beat when he saw her up on the rooftop. Though usually not this early in the morning, lately he'd been coming up here every day to think peacefully to himself. Today, though, he arrived on the roof pleasantly surprised to find Raven standing near the edge of the tower. Not meditating. Without Robin.

It had been so long since she'd spoken directly to him that he almost didn't recognize her voice when she asked him why he was up so early.

He grinned sheepishly and shrugged, "Heh, I'm kinda always up here, I guess... thinkin' and stuff." This was the first conversation they'd shared in weeks.

Raven nodded slightly. She recognized that there was something abnormal about the situation - she was always the one up here at this time, and she'd never once encountered Beast Boy - but she did not want to pursue the subject and decided to brush it off. She hadn't turned to face him yet.

Beast Boy debated whether or not to ask her why Robin wasn't with her, but he couldn't bring himself to. In the first place, he couldn't tell if it would come off as rude. Beast Boy always saw them together, but he knew that this did not mean she wasn't entitled to her own private time. In the second place, he'd never mentioned the subject of their relationship to any of the Titans. He liked to ignore it. So rather than breaking the silence, he merely watched her cloak and violet hair sway lightly in the breeze, brief glimmers of the sunrise shining off them. Normally he'd find this calming, but this morning, it felt unsettling.

After a few moments, she turned and faced him. Her glare never met the changeling, and instead seemed intently focused on the door behind him. "I haven't heard you tell a joke in days," she observed flatly.

'Weeks', Beast Boy mentally corrected. He kept trying to meet her gaze, but she refused. "Yeah... Running low on inspiration, I guess. This place has been happy central on its own lately, and no one's really appreciated any extra laughs I try to throw in, I guess." He was saying more than necessary, but he couldn't stop. "...So, I dunno, after a while, I just kinda gave up... Nobody's seemed to need or want the comic relief lately." He kept trying to look at her eyes, but they were avoiding him. 'No one except me', he thought to himself.

"Yeah", Raven replied slowly, turning back to the sky. Her mind seemed to keep trailing off. For a minute longer, Raven stared into the pink, orange, and bright blue morning sky, and then abruptly turned around again to face Beast Boy. Her sudden movement intrigued him and had him hoping that she'd say something, anything more. With how intently Raven had been ignoring him, he'd gotten caught off guard by the fact that she'd noticed his lack of antics. He was wondering what else she had to say.

"You came here to think, right?", she asked, neither waiting for a reply, nor bothering to look at him while she brushed past him. "Well, then I'll go." Her voice didn't sound hurt. No, it sounded flat and passive, as always, like she just wanted to leave. "I must be annoying to you", she added a few feet behind him.

'You're not annoying. Robin's annoying,' Beast Boy thought to himself. "No no, Rae, don't worry about it. You can totally stay if you want."

He seemed to plead. She stopped and turned halfway towards him, trying to smile a little. It seemed hard. She still hadn't locked eyes with him. In fact, Beast Boy couldn't remember the last time she looked at his face at all. Raven shook her head very slightly and said lowly, "It's alright, Beast Boy. Robin's probably looking for me,". She began a slow but more consistent walk towards the roof's door. To Beast Boy, it felt like she was running.

Before the empath walked through the door to the staircase, she hesitated for a moment, a quick thought occurring to her. "Oh. And seriously, don't download any more music on the computer in the evidence room. It almost crashed on me last night when I tried to use it. Cyborg will probably kill you if it's got a virus."

He barely got off an "Okay" as she quickly shut the door behind her. "I didn't even know she used the computer in there," he thought aloud. And as Raven left, suddenly Beast Boy realized he was sick of thinking. Sick of wondering why Raven continued to act so cold towards him, and sick of thinking about Robin taking her on dates. It just didn't feel right. And so, in a pathetic attempt to avoid having to think for the remainder of the day, he found himself dragging his feet down into the depths of the tower, directly towards the computer in the evidence room.

Beast Boy signed onto his AOL Instant Messenger screen name and checked his buddylist. He noted that, aside from a few friends he'd made at the arcades around the city, Bumble Bee and Hot Spot were both online. Almost every Titan was connected through AIM; they were just teenagers, after all. He concluded that he wasn't in the mood to talk to anyone. Just then, Cyborg logged on, probably having just woken up. He was likely using the computer in his room, which was off-limits to everyone but himself and easily ten times faster than the one Beast Boy was currently utilizing. Cy was one of the last people Beast Boy felt like talking to, so he quickly tried to set up an Away Message so that he could browse the internet unbothered.

'hey!' Cyborg's screen name popped up in a new chat window, accompanied by a bloop sound. Beast Boy, annoyed, smacked himself in the forehead. He hadn't been quick enough.

'hi', BB typed back. 'look dude, im still really tired so ill ttyl.'

'haha why? raven caught ur tongue?', Cy mocked. Beast Boy let out an irritated sigh. Ragging on him was one of his metal friend's favorite hobbies. Cy continued, 'the door to da roof is next to my room. i heard u both pass. anyway, hows ur not-so-secret crush? oh nvm, robin just walked down da hall and im sure i just heard them kiss.'

"I knew it would be a mistake telling him anything," said a pissed-off Beast Boy to himself. He'd never mentioned anything about having feelings for Raven, but he'd exchanged a few words with Cyborg earlier in the week about how Raven had been ignoring me. Cyborg came to his own conclusions.

'stfu', Beast Boy sent back.

Beast Boy turned his Away Message on and happily ignored all further responses from Cyborg. He was trying to get his mind off of Raven, and his friend's jokes definitely weren't helping. He played a few rounds of Solitaire to help himself relax, and then began searching for new music to download as he usually did. He remembered Raven's words of warning upon the roof earlier that morning, but decided he didn't care. Pretending he was a rock star kept him sane. While he waited for his new downloads to finish, he browsed a few sites, and soon found himself amazingly bored. It'd been twenty or thirty minutes until he'd be able to listen to any of his new music. Without thinking much, he clicked the "internet history" button at the top right of the screen to see if his favorite video game demo website was still there from yesterday. Instead, though, names of a few sites he'd never heard of came up. One especially caught his interest.

"What's Xanga?", he said aloud as he clicked the link mindlessly. He couldn't even fathom how to pronounce the word.

The username "HerbalNevermore" came up and Beast Boy's eyes widened. The references did not go by unnoticed. This had to have been the last place Raven visited online before she had signed off the preceding night. After skimming the general site for a few minutes, he soon learned that Xanga was a blogging platform which people utilized as a journal of sorts. Beast Boy knew that Raven would destroy him for stumbling upon her online journal, but he also knew himself well enough to know that he was too immature to regard her privacy too highly, and anyway, it was her fault for not deleting the internet history from the browser. Plus, he just had to try to figure out what was going on in her life. He wasn't sure why, but her recent all-together avoidance and dismissal of him was tearing him apart.

He was displeased to find that her blog was password-protected, though the realization that his attempt to see personal blog was futile made him calm down about how immoral his actions were. Out of pure boredom and immaturity, he decided that he'd make a game out of trying to figure out her password. He filled in all of the most obvious things about Raven that he figured might be a part of her password. When the words "Raven", "Robin", "books", "magic", "spells", "tea", "cloak", and every combination of her meditation mantra all failed to work, he tried the only other thing he could think of. He frowned as the site notified him that "Beast Boy" was not the correct password. What was he thinking? Of course it wasn't. Raven would never use something so silly to protect her most private thoughts. If Raven wanted to make sure that no one could find her blog, she'd use a password that she assumed no one in the tower would attempt. She'd use something that she could remember easily, but something that would particularly slip Beast Boy's mind in case he ever happened upon her blog. She'd use -

Without thinking, Beast Boy typed in the word "Garfield" into the password box and within a few moments, HerbalNevermore's Xanga site began loading on the screen before him. 'Dude, SWEET! I got it!', was his first thought, but then another slowly crept in. Squealing in high-pitched terror, he immediately froze and then covered his eyes, knowing that once Raven found out about this, she would end him.

The page opened up on its own... At least, that would be Beast Boy's story if he happened to get caught. After about a few minutes of peaking through his gloves and internally debating about whether or not the imminent destruction of his life was worth reading whatever nonsense he might find on her blog, Beast Boy thought, 'Man, just SCREW IT' and opened his eyes. He wasn't exactly thinking rationally. With Raven ignoring him so vehemently lately, he'd been overcome with the grief of losing a good friend, and... a deeper grief, one he couldn't quite pinpoint.

A rather plain-looking blue page with grey font came up on the screen. His stomach was in knots. This was it; this site could very well contain all of Raven's innermost thoughts. There were dozens of entries on the site separated by dates. He was already in too deep and he knew it. Even if he had closed the page now, Raven would have been able to see when the most recent log-in time stamp was, and Beast Boy was sure to feel her wrath and perish at her hand. He ignored his gut instinct that his life was in serious danger, and scrolled down to the bottom of the page. It contained an entry that had been apparently written on Monday of the current week. Deciding this would be as good of a place as any other to begin, he started reading.

"Monday, 11:51 pm:

This feeling is becoming pretty miserable. It was fun at first, but it's growing tiring. I don't know how much longer I'll be able to keep up this facade. I'm happy I found him, I really am, I just don't think it's really what I want. And I think I've known it for a long time."

Beast Boy couldn't breathe. His brain wasn't processing the facts; too many thoughts had struck him in at once. Raven didn't love Robin! Or so it seemed to him, at least. Beast Boy danced. But what did she 'really want'? Beast Boy sat back down and read Tuesday's entry.

"Tuesday, 11:12 pm:

Why isn't he speaking to me? I barely even seem to receive "Hello"s. I can't wrap my head around it. He's usually suffocating me with his mind-numbing attention. I can't believe I miss it. I can't believe I'm being dense enough to care this much about someone who isn't Robin, someone who I'm pretty sure would never see me in a romantic way because he's both too stupid and too terrified of me. Perhaps next time I should try to laugh with him instead of at him..."

"Who's HIM!? Who's HIM!?" Beast Boy couldn't contain himself. He was imploding in his chair. His thoughts still weren't processing. All he could bring himself to do was continue and head on to Wednesday's entry.

"Wednesday, 10:57 pm:

I don't run away from him. Is that what he thinks I'm doing? I walk. Painfully slowly. I don't know why I do it, but it kills me that he never tries to stop me. I hate me for doing this to myself. And to Robin. I should probably cut things off. I don't think I can enjoy what we've had anymore."

Beast Boy's thoughts were now tumbling and somersaulting over themselves within his mind. She wanted to end things with Robin! No longer would he feel nauseated entering rooms where both of his bird friends had taken up space. He was overjoyed, but also conflicted and confused; he desperately needed to know exactly who this mystery "Him" was, so he continued to the next entry.

"Thursday, 11:52 pm:

I can't even look at him anymore. Seeing him makes me want to scream. Looking back on it, I think I always felt something for him. But I constantly chose the easy way out. Instead of confronting myself and my feelings, I chose ROBIN. He was sweet, and he wanted to try dating, and it was fine I suppose, but I know I'm not really happy. The company is nice, but I feel guilty more than anything else. And I'm starting to sense that he's beginning to feel similarly. Our embers have surely settled into ash. It's becoming awkward, with both of them, and if I don't do something soon, I fear every light bulb in the Tower will need replacing. But I don't think I'd ever be able to let him know how I feel. I've kept this up for so long that I don't know how else to even act.

This is killing me. Tea hasn't even been able to help."

For the past few weeks, Beast Boy had hated the idea that Raven and Robin were happy together. It was a horrible thing to admit, even to himself. Why wasn't he content with her being happy? She was his friend, after all. And friends want their friends to be happy, right? Beast Boy shook his head with aggravation in his hands. It wasn't making any sense to him. Regardless, knowing that Raven was miserable right now hurt him even worse, and sent his stomach into deeper knots. He started to feel extraordinarily guilty about reading through her Xanga, but he decided to continue to Friday's entry anyway. It was the last one on the page, and the suspense was literally tearing him open at the seams.

Who was this mystery person she'd been feeling things for? Raven possessing romantic feelings at all still took him by surprise. He hated to think about it, but he felt resentment for whoever this person was. Though Raven could come off quite abrasive at times, especially towards the changeling, he'd grown fond of her over the past few years. They were surely different - opposites, even - but there was something so tantalizing about the empath that he could never quite place. He always stumbled and made mistakes around her, which he covered up with jokes. It dawned on him now that this was because she always made him nervous.

He took a deep breath and started to read again.

"Friday, 11:36 pm:

I had a date with Robin tonight at the movie theater and considered telling him everything. The spark is absolutely gone. I don't know what's worse; me being with Robin, or my feelings for Beast Boy while being with him. Or the fact that, once I do eventually tell Robin everything, I'll be alone again. Because being with anyone else while I care so strongly for someone else is emotionally crippling.

I mean, how could I let myself have feelings for BEAST BOY!? Of all the possible people I could've fallen for. How much more ridiculous could this situation get? He's just... grown on me. He can actually be astoundingly endearing and insightful at times. Of course, I'm so accustomed to making fun of him and causing him mild pain that he probably can't stand me. My relationship with Robin is probably a load off of his shoulders because I no longer harass him. But I care about that annoying, infuriating, incredible grass stain so much that it baffles me.

I will never say that out loud. Ever.

Oh. While rummaging through the loose papers in my room last night, I found an old poem I wrote. This must have been written over a year or two ago, because it's got naivety and nonsense woven throughout the entire piece. It even rhymes! Pfft. I had crumpled it up and kept it underneath my bed; it's in such stark contrast against everything I'd ever usually write. But I could never bring myself to get rid of it. I think I've always known he's been my muse.

I think I must have been sick or hallucinating or on a heavy dose of NyQuil when I wrote this. Drunk on tea, perhaps? Heavily sleep deprived? All of the above? Ah, whatever. Its absurdity needs to be recorded:

"You are all of this to me.

You're the light in all my darkness,
all of the books I love to read;
The one I always fight with,
but also helps me to succeed.

You're the green star I look up to,
brightest in the sky;
The back that I held onto
when you stayed and let me cry.

You're the thing that keeps me up at night,
and the dream that helps me sleep.
My bad-dream catcher;
the secret that I keep.

You're the humor I wake up for,
even the sugar in my tea;
The reason I've warmed up here.
You are all of this to me."

Still not really believing that these words escaped my mind, but go figure. Perhaps one day I'll find the nerve to tell him.

Though I highly doubt it."

Beast boy stared motionless, gaping at the screen. He couldn't feel his toes. All he could hear was the sound of his heart beating fast and heavy in his eardrums. He wondered if he possibly knew anyone else named "Beast Boy" as a warm sensation consumed his face. A smile slowly crept along his face and spread like wildfire throughout the rest of his body. His stomach, which had been in knots, now did joyous flips in his stomach, and he felt like he was almost floating... floating... floating...

SMACK! With a cheesy smile, Beast Boy collided face-first into the floor. He spazzed up from the ground, flailing wildly, and sprinted to the door, ready to tell Raven all that he was feeling. It all made sense now! The incessant jokes, the constant pranks, why he endured so much of her ridicule and abuse, and why he was always looking to include her, please her, and protect her... He'd felt it, too. He had for a while. He wanted to cease the inner turmoil she'd been feeling over the past few weeks. He wanted to make sure she'd never have to feel it again. He wanted let her know that he felt the same way, and that she'd never again have to feel alone.

Skidding to a halt just before he face-planted himself into the door, Beast Boy realized he couldn't. He couldn't just throw himself into the main room, screaming about his feelings for the empath and dancing like a clown. Raven was still dating Robin. Beast Boy knew that no matter how mutual their feelings might be for one-another, it would be absolutely wrong to swoop her away from one of his best friends, even if he wanted to. But he couldn't keep these feelings to himself, either. He wasn't sure that Raven would ever be able to tell him. Furthermore, there was still the fact that Beast Boy had completely invaded her privacy by hacking her Xanga - a crime he was still sure she'd murder him for. Beast Boy glanced around the room anxiously, his thoughts racing so fast once again that he began to shake. How was he going to advance forward with this predicament? He wanted - no, needed - to let her know how he felt about her, and he wanted to be honest about the fact that he'd read the recent entries of her journal, but he also desperately wanted tokeep his life.

What was this changeling to do?

Suddenly, he formulated an idea. For Beast Boy, it was admittedly a genius one at that. He went back over to the computer and clicked "New Entry" in the top left corner of Raven's blog. Beast Boy was going to type his heart out.


You're the thought that starts each morning
and the one ends each day.
You're a part of everything I do,
and everything I say.

You're the smile on my face,
he silly spark inside my eye;
The beating of my beastly heart,
and the meaning in my life.

You're the tingle in my soul,
the constant redness in my cheeks;
The reason for my jokes,
the voice that makes me weak.

You're more than I ever wanted,
you're all that I need;
You're the girl I dream about.
You are all of this to me.

I know it was a crazy super invasion of privacy to read your blog and I'm SO so so so sorry. Really! But I needed to let you know how I feel. Don't hurt me. Please? Pretty please with tofu on top?



He might have to wait for a while - or, you know, spend a great deal of time running for his life - before he'd ever get the chance to tell Raven how he felt face-to-face, but Beast Boy really didn't mind. He knew now that Raven felt the same way about him, and in a way he couldn't explain, he felt complete. She was still dating Robin for the time-being, but Beast Boy knew that she wouldn't be for long. And he would honestly have waited forever for her.


Author's Notes: It's been seven years since I've read this story and I think after editing it (not the plot, just the wording), I'm actually pretty pleased with it. I know that nobody uses AIM or Xanga anymore but I wanted it to remain authentic. Anyway, please review if you haven't! Or again, even if you have in the past. I love hearing from you guys. ;)