My little chums, you must take this story for what it is: a simple, funny one. It basically has nothing to do with the storyline of the books, but I assure you, 'tis vair vair funny.

Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter, just this story.

Bon apetit!

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Draco the Virgin!

Chapter 1: Discovery of the Century

Ahh… the weekend. Something all Hogwarts students looked forward to like nothing else. And the next best thing to a weekend was a Friday evening.

This particular Friday evening, a few of the seventh year students were gathered in the Great Hall, most everyone else had gone outside or in a bedroom somewhere. Wink, wink. And though these seventh years were supposed to be studying for their N.E.W.T.s, most of them, save Hermione, took it as a wonderful and much-welcomed social hour.

Let us now linger at the Slytherin table where the one and only playboy, Draco Malfoy, was sitting pretty with his posse (Crabbe, Goyle, Blaise Zabini, etc.) surrounding him. The girls at the end of the table were ogling him as always; winking and batting their eyelashes, puckering their lips and stick out their chests, and any other flirting device you could think to dream up of.

He, of course, was lapping this all up like a famished puppy while still managing to look nonchalant about the ravenous attention he was receiving.

"You're so lucky, mate," Zabini moaned at his side. "You get so much attention. I bet you get a lot of action, don't you?"

"Well," Draco returned, picking up a quill and twirling it playfully between his long fingers. "What do you think?"

"I think you've bed every girl in seventh, sixth, and fifth year in the this school. Who knows, if you're pervy, you've bed the fourth year girls too."

Draco chuckled mischievously.

"You want to know what I think, Malfoy?"

All the boys turned. Harry Potter was approaching their table. He took a seat right in front of Draco.

"What do you want, Potter?" Draco sneered, looking at the other boy as though he were the most disgusting flesh-eating slug.

"Oh, I'm just here to tell you my personal opinion on your…status."

"Sod off! I don't want your bloody opinion!"

But, surprisingly, the other Slytherins were interested. "Go on then, Potter. Tell us," one of them spoke.

"Yeah, what do you mean by status?" another wondered.

"I mean," Harry said, rather enjoying himself as Draco glowered menacingly at him. "That I think…" He leaned over until he his face was just millimeters away from the Slytherin boy's. There was a tension in the air so thick; the sword of Godric Gryffindor couldn't possibly cut through it. "He's a virgin." With that, he sat back in his seat looking very impressed with himself.

A burst of hysterical laughter echoed throughout the group. Comments erupted from all sides.

"Draco? A virgin? Perish the thought!"

"He couldn't be a virgin if he tried!"

"Yeah! 'Virgin' is on one end of the spectrum and 'Draco' is on the other."

Then Harry spoke up. "Believe what you want, but I still think he's a virgin." He could almost see the steam shooting straight out of Draco's ears.

"Look Potter!" Draco started, his fist clenched. "Nobody made you the expert and no one wants to stare at your bloody face, so sod off!"

Surprisingly, instead of spitting out a smart retort like he usually did, Harry just shrugged, stood up and strode away, a smirk painted permanently on his face.

"Wanker…" mumbled Draco, scowling at Harry's retreating back. The Slytherins snickered.

The rest of the "study session" passed by quite well, with Harry canoodling in the corner with Ginny—this of course making the perfect target for Draco's clique's sarcastic comments and Oscar-winning renditions of the two lovers.

After a much-needed kissy-face session with Ginny, Harry was practically skipping upstairs to his dormitory. All of a sudden, something grabbed his arm and pulled him so quickly; he thought he had just used some unknown Portkey. When he finally realized what had happened, he found himself in an empty classroom, face to face with Draco Malfoy.

"Ugh! What do you want?" Harry looked at him with the same disgust the other boy had used with him earlier.

"Shut up and listen!" Draco hissed.

Harry opened his mouth to argue, but the menacing gleam in Draco's eyes made him think better of it. He sighed. "Alright, what?"

Unexpectedly, Draco went from annoyed and ordering to nervous and unsure—two emotions Harry only dreamed of ever seeing Draco express.

"I—I have to ask you something…" the blonde mumbled as he shuffled his feet.

Harry couldn't help it. He burst out laughing. This was just too good to be true!

"Shut your sodding mouth or I'll hex you!" warned Draco.

"Not if I hex you first!"

This time, it was Draco's turn to sigh. He wasn't going to get anywhere like this. "Will you please just listen?"

"Ahh…the almighty Draco Malfoy is saying 'please'?" Harry feigned a gasp. "Who would have thought?"

Draco was starting to look exasperated and even a bit desperate. "I'm glad you're getting a kick out of this little fiasco, but for just a few minutes, will you please be quiet and listen to me?"

Harry, stifling his laughter the best he could manage, furrowed his brow in a well-put on serious expression and said, "Okay shoot. Ask me anything."

"Right. Well, I…I wanted…"

"Wanted what? Go on, come out with it."

"I wanted—I wanted to know how you…why you thought I was a…"

"A virgin? Why do you want to know?"

"Because well…"

"Come on, hurry up with it!"

"Because I AM ONE! I'M A BLOODY VIRGIN!"

There was a long silence.

"Wow…" Harry spoke softly.

"Wow what? Why are you surprised? I thought you already knew!" Draco screeched.

"Calm down, fishwife. I just never thought you'd admit it."

"I am not a bloody fishwife!" Realizing he was still shrieking, Draco tried to calm himself. "Anyways, you never answered me. How did you know?"

"I was virgin too, once upon a time in a land far, far away."

"You're really enjoying this aren't you?"

"Oh, very much so, thank you. But seriously, when you've been a virgin, you learn who's a virgin."

"So can you help me or not?"

Harry went over to Draco and clapped him on his shoulder. "Well, I can't believe I'm saying this but…you're in good hands, mate."

Draco looked at Harry as if to say thank you, but couldn't quite come out with it.

"I think I've got the perfect solution to your little problem," Harry announced. One could almost see the light bulb go on above his head.

"What?" asked Draco eagerly.

"The best way for you to lose it is to shag another virgin and I know just the one."

"Umm…right. But…how do you know that she's a virgin?"

"Oh trust me. I would know if she wasn't."

"How?"

"Simple. Because she's one of my best friends. Hermione Granger."

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