Note: This is not the old fic done in regular format. This is a new fic with the same title. Please review!
In the middle of a dense city known as Mobius lived one of the greatest heroes of all time, surrounded by his followers and fellow heroes alternately. This hero was called Sonic the Hedgehog. He was so rich that he didn't work anymore, preferring to stop Eggman only because he hated the man. Naturally, you would expect Sonic to be doing something heroic. But right now, the hero was asleep.
Well, at least until- BEEP, BEEP, BEEP!
"Stupid alarm clock," grumbled Sonic. He pulled a gun out from under the pillow and shot the alarm clock. It continued to ring.
Sonic swore as loudly as possible and filled the alarm clock full of bullets, saving one in case suicide was preferable. It continued to ring. Sonic growled and stowed the gun under the pillow, proceeding to ignore it. Then the gun went off.
Minutes later, Sonic, with feathers all over the right side of his face, was ready for the day. The only thing that had changed about him was that he was now wearing shoes.
Sonic had a pretty lonely life. He visited Tails in the Mystic Ruins and Knuckles on Angel Island as much as he could, but that wasn't too often. Amy was always chasing him, which consumed much of his time, and Shadow (who he could at least tolerate by now) was… well, he was Shadow. Sonic glumly chewed on a spoonful of Cheerios and wished that he had more friends.
Suddenly the door was kicked in and Shadow burst in on a motorcycle. He dismounted the motorcycle while it was still running, sending it flying into Sonic's kitchen, making contact with the refrigerator and exploding.
Sonic was blasted out of the room through the door, landing in a charred heap on his couch. He was madder than Eggman when he accidentally inhaled his mustache. That frigging fake hedgehog… he was going to pay…
"Sorry," Shadow offered sarcastically, taking care to wipe his muddy boots on Sonic's finest carpets.
"Sorry!" bellowed Sonic furiously, brushing ashes from his blue fur. "Why in the name of chili dogs did you do that?"
"Well, I was on a stunt run for my new game and I seemed to have lost my way, so I dropped in for directions," Shadow smirked.
"Hey, I've got an idea," said Sonic angrily. "Just keep going down, Shadow. That's how to get where you should go!"
"Idle threats," scoffed Shadow, examining his nails.
Sonic, enormously enraged, picked up a footstool and threw it at Shadow. The black hedgehog spun around to avoid the missile, but it got caught in his unruly thatch of quills. He began to scream. Sonic smiled.
"Argh!" he roared. "My quills! You fiend! They're utterly ruined!" Shadow began to rip the footstool, piece by piece, out of his hair. Sonic raised an eyebrow and said nothing.
"That does it!" bellowed Shadow, finally removing the footstool. "I've had enough of your faking ways, mother faker!"
"Mother faker?" Sonic wondered.
"Yeah, you got that faking right, you faking mother faking dumb fake!" screamed Shadow hoarsely.
"Are you being censored or something?"
"You can take your faking censors and shove em up your faking-" Shadow began, but there was a knock on the door.
"Just a second," Sonic called, and he punched Shadow in the face and ran. Ignoring Shadow's pronounced cries of "mother faking mother faker, you faking fake wit…" Sonic pulled open the door.
Tails stood there, holding several suitcases.
"Um, hey little buddy," said Sonic, knocking Shadow out with a trout to make him shut up. "What's with the bags?"
"I'm moving in," Tails said, dropping his suitcases on Shadow. "Mystic Ruins got wrecked recently…"
Suddenly a line of chorus girls came in, kicking up their legs and chanting, "It's a flashback, whose flashback? You know whose, it's Tails' flashback!"
"That was unnecessary," said Sonic as the screen dissolved into another image. Tails was in Mystic Ruins, working on some invention that has no actual reason to work.
"Yes! This knife will clean itself with a twitch of a button!" cried Tails. He dipped the knife into a jar of peanut butter, spread it on a piece of bread, then pressed a button. The knife was clean. Then he put the knife in a jar of jam, spread it on another piece of bread, and put the two pieces together into a sandwich. "Huzzah! Now the peanut butter and jelly will never be mingled! I'm a genius! Nobel Peace Prize, here I-"
Suddenly, his house was crushed by a heavy object. Tails tried to crawl through the wreckage, looking for the source of the destruction. He could hear someone…
"…last time I make the Master Emerald a tourist attraction, anyone could have taken it… maybe it was that biatch with the six corn dogs… nah, too scrawny…"
"Knuckles?" gasped Tails.
"No, it is your nemesis, Dr. Eggman!"
"Eggman!" gasped Tails, again.
"Nah, it's Knuckles."
"Knuckles!" cried Tails. With one of his useless-until-now inventions he cleared away the rubble. He flew onto Angel Island, which had fallen on his house, and reached Knuckles.
"Who stole the Master Emerald?" he asked Knuckles.
"I don't know… but Sonic has to help us stop whoever it was!" cried the echidna dramatically.
The flashback ended, and the screen dissolved back to Sonic.
"So, since both your homes are temporarily/permanently wrecked," Sonic said slowly, "you're moving in?"
Sonic grinned. Not only did he get to have some friends around, but now was a prime opportunity to get at Knuckles when he least expected it. He took Shadow's gun, leaned out the window, and shot at Knuckles, who was walking up the driveway.
The laser hit Knuckles' CD player, and the rap music fizzled to a halt. Knuckles began to act extremely sluggish, eventually collapsing in a heap.
A few minutes later, Sonic and Tails were seated upon the unconscious Knuckles and Shadow.
"… so then he just throws the maple syrup into the audience!" finished Tails, while Sonic cried with laughter.
"…stupid Canadians… ah, good times, good times," Sonic said. Suddenly, Knuckles and Shadow both woke up at the same time.
Knuckles took out his spiked fist and rammed it into Tails' backside, causing the fox to yelp and flee. Shadow remained very still.
"Sonic," he said dangerously, "the best way to live longer than the next 0.2 seconds is to get off of me…"
"Ah, you weren't that comfortable anyway," Sonic groused, picking himself up.
"So," Shadow said, "what should we do now?"
"How about we evict you?" asked Sonic threateningly.
"This Ultimate Faker," Sonic hissed angrily, "barged into my house, destroyed my fridge, and now expects my friendship! No deal! Out!"
"Uh, my house was destroyed too," Shadow said frantically.
"A meatball," Tails said. Sonic glared daggers at him.
"Yeah," said Shadow. "You know, on top of spaghetttttttti, all covered in cheeeeeeeeese, I lost my poor meeeeeeatbaaaaaaaaall, when some-"
"That kind of singing would destroy any house!" Sonic screamed, for indeed, the walls were quaking ominously. "All right, fine! But I won't like it! And neither will you!"
Ten minutes later, Shadow had somehow been folded into the shape of a paper airplane, which Sonic was taking care to throw into as many walls and windows as possible.
"I think we should shop for a new refrigerator," supplied Tails.
"Eh, good idea," said Knuckles. They unfolded Shadow and went to the car.
Sonic got behind the wheel. This was an extreme cause for concern.
"Uh, Son-" Shadow started to say, but Sonic had already power slid out of the garage and out of the driveway, leaving rubber all over the place. He darted in and out of traffic. Knuckles had stuck his claws into the ceiling to anchor him. Tails was flying outside of the vehicle. Only Shadow was left.
"You idiot!" he screamed. "Slow down before you kill us all!"
Sonic braked so hard that Shadow flew head first out of the windshield, Tails flew into the back of the car, and Knuckles swung free and fell on top of Shadow. The irate black hedgehog climbed into the car. Sonic pressed a button, and the air bag hit him in the face.
"Har de har," growled Shadow. "Are we there yet?"
"Are we there yet?"
"Are we there yet?"
Knuckles was utterly confused. "How did that change? We weren't even moving!"
"Reverse psychology," said Tails wisely.
"Wait, what the-"
They all went into the Wal-Mart. Sonic was thankful at the inexpensiveness of the goods, but he grew a bit suspicious when he saw a 56 inch television for only 39.99.
"Excuse me, sir," said Knuckles to an employee, "we're looking for a CD player and a refrigerator…"
The employee responded in a nasally voice. "Certainly, sir. Right this way."
Shadow went to look at the video games, Tails at the DVDs, and Sonic went to the music while Knuckles handled the business. He glanced down at the bargain bin, where 5 CDs were being offered for 5 dollars. Hmmph… couldn't get any rap, it would encourage Knuckles. He looked around. There was no System of a Down. He looked frantically away. No Linkin Park. No Weezer. Beginning to sweat, he continued to search. No Green Day, no Audioslave, no Slipknot, no Nickelback… in fact, he realized in anger, the only CDs he could see were crappy hogwash by Limp Bizkit! Then he realized that there was no Rage against the Machine.
Sonic began to convulse soundlessly, looking frantically around the store for his other options. He went to the rap aisle. No Snoop, no 50, no Jay-Z… just Puff Daddy, or P. Daddy or P. Diddy or Diddy or whatever his name was! His beloved Jay-Z and Usher and Ludacris and Will Smith… gone! Everything was just a bunch of feel-good ambient alternative nonsense. He spat on the floor. How could Wal-Mart make its music selection this pathetic? Realizing the wisdom in downloading, he was about to round the corner when he heard the most terrible voice in existence.
"Do you have any Mariah Carey? I like the sound of small children on helium mixed with dog whistles!"
"I'm sorry, Miss Rose, but none is available, all we have in the pop section is Kelly Clarkson."
"Why do they call it pop anyway?"
"Cause it makes your eardrums pop," the sales rep said. Amy slapped him.
Sonic cursed violently. Just like Amy to be stalking him. He dodged under the rap shelf, slid around the rock shelf, tiptoed through the soundtrack section, and jumped over a small, sad pile of cassette tapes. Finally it came time to pass by the pop section. He prepared to run faster than the speed of sound… he was ready…
"Hey Sonic!" said Knuckles, popping up next to him. "I found a CD player, should I get 16 or 17 Diddy CDs?"
Amy's head turned around. "Sonic!" she squealed.
Cursing his red friend into oblivion, Sonic vaulted over the pop section and ran like heck. He pulled out Shadow's gun, shooting Amy with more rounds than 50 Cent had ever been hit with. She didn't flinch.
Sonic grabbed a bag of Doritos off of the shelf, threw it at Amy, and shot it open. The shield of noxious cheese snacks allowed Sonic to make good his mistake.
Sonic chuckled as he jumped into the car, along with Knuckles, Shadow, and Tails. He began to drive off, chuckling. Suddenly Amy began to crawl through the surround speakers. Sonic kicked her out. Then she slid through the A/C. Knuckles punched her away.
Finally they got home and began to unload the refrigerator. After much struggling and swearing and Shadow-smacking, they finally got it up. Sonic opened the door, to put in his extensive collection of condiments (listed alphabetically from Aaron's Ranch Dressing to Zanzibar Honey Mustard) and he saw Amy. She had stowed away inside the refrigerator.
Knuckles covered Tails' eyes with a fist. Shadow fought back a huge smirk. Sonic screamed. Amy crowed in victory.
"Why are you here?" demanded Sonic hoarsely, wiping lipstick off of his face.
"To see you, silly!" she giggled. Tails sighed and began arranging the condiments.
"Amy, what would it take to make you go away?" howled Sonic in anguish.
"Your virginity," she replied alluringly.
Shadow stopped in his tracks. A smile the size of the state of Kansas was slowly stretching across his face.
"What makes you think I'm a-" snarled Sonic, then caught sight of Shadow.
A howl of laughter was heard for miles around.
The end! Please review.