Tanner Family Values

"Yeah, that's right," ALF held the cordless phone up to his ear and shook his head up and down, "uh huh…..uh huh…..yeah, one six seven Hendale. Yeah, yea – okay great! Okay, thanks."

"Who was that?" Willy asked as he entered the garage.

"Oh great, you're here!" ALF sat the phone down on the counter in front of him. "I was just coming to find you."

"Of course I'm here," Willy said. "Where else would I be on a Tuesday afternoon?"

"Willy this is no time to wallow in self pity," ALF scolded.

"Oh well excuse me," Willy said. "When do you suggest would be a good time?"

"Like I said," ALF repeated, "not right now. I have some exciting news."

"Oh brother," Willy dreadfully said. He saw some sort of pamphlet lying on the counter in front of ALF. "What is it?"

"I've just ordered you a safe," ALF said, making it sound so glamorous.

"A safe?" Willy asked.

"What are you, deaf?" ALF snapped, "Yes, a safe."

"Uh huh," Willy removed the glasses from his face, "and exactly how much is this safe going to cost me?"

"Four thousand dollars," ALF innocently said, as if four thousand dollars was pocket change.

"Four…..thousand?" Willy gasped, making sure that he had heard ALF correctly.

"Well technically," ALF added, "it'll be around four thousand and seven hundred dollars total. And that includes shipping and handling."

"ALF," Willy raised his voice, "I've told you a million times to not use my credit cards and to stop pretending to be me."

"Well, I told them that I was your son," ALF explained, "and that the safe was a birthday gift."

"I see," Willy said as he placed the glasses back on his face.

"Yeah, they thought the fact that I was using your credit card to buy you a birthday gift was strange. Is that odd?" ALF asked.

"Normally one doesn't use the credit card that belongs to the person they're buying for." Willy answered, "So yes, I can see where they're coming from."

"This thing can survive in heat up to one hundred and twenty degrees. And you can reset your combination at any time. It can be used to protect important documents and even family heirlooms." ALF said, reading directly off of the pamphlet.

"Well how wonderful," Willy said in a sarcastic tone.

"I thought it might be cheaper for you in the long run some how." ALF said. "Oh and there's a thirty day money back guarantee."

"Oh well, "Willy suddenly cheered up, "Then I'll get my money back."

"Hey, when it gets here, let's set it on fire to be sure that it's not just a piece of junk!" ALF got excited.

"Let's not!" Willy said, chopping the air horizontally with his hand.

Thursday evening came around and at exactly five o'clock there was a knock at the door.

"William Tanner?" A delivery man asked.

"Yes, that would be me," Willy answered.

The delivery man wheeled the safe in on a dolly.

"So where do you want it?" The delivery man asked and waited for Willy's instructions.

"Oh," Willy glanced across the room at Kate, who was setting the dinner table. "Just leave it right here."

"Suit yourself." The delivery man said as he eased the dolly out from under the safe. "Enjoy."

"Thank you," Willy said, "thank you, we certainly will." He shut the front door.

"It's here! It's here!" ALF shouted as he burst through the kitchen door and into the living room.

With careful consideration, Willy and Kate decided to try the safe out. It just so happened that the safe was disguised as a white cabinet and so they decided to put it in the laundry room.

"Willy this is kind of neat," Kate said as she read over the information pamphlet.

"I still don't understand why we don't just continue to use the lock box at the bank," Willy wasn't at all thrilled with the safe.

"To be honest Willy, I would feel a lot better if our valuables were here." Kate said softly.

"Oh alright," Willy replied after a short pause.

"Let's just keep it for the thirty day period and then decided," Kate negotiated.

Kate and Willy went to the bank the following morning and removed all valuables from their lock box. The contents included Kate's antique cameo, and some of her great grandmother's jewelry. There were also important documents, such as Brian and Lynn's birth certificates and social security cards, along with two savings bonds. Deeds to the house, and Kate and Willy's marriage license were also there.

"Oh good. You guys haven't closed it yet." ALF said as he walked into the laundry room with a small shoe box in his hands. "Can I put something in there?"

"Okay ALF," Willy grinned as he reached for the shoe box. "Say, what's in this?"

"Just some old pictures and my Boola Baseball cards." ALF answered.

"ALF, that's silly," Willy said.

"Come on Dad," Lynn stuck up for ALF, "let him put them in there."

"Yeah, Dad," Brian sided with Lynn and ALF.

"Everyone else got to put something in," ALF pointed out.

"Ya know, you're right. Okay." Willy said as he gently placed the shoe box in the safe and closed the door.

"Great. Now what's the combination?" ALF asked.

"We just closed it." Willy said. "What do you need?"

"I left a piece of chocolate in there and now I want it," ALF answered Willy.

"Hey Tanna's!" Trevor yelled from the backyard, letting them know that he was on his way over.

"ALF you better-," Willy began a sentence.

"Yeah, yeah." ALF interrupted as he hurried into the other room.

"Hey there Trevor," Willy said as he held the back door open for his nosey neighbor. "Come on in."

"Hey you guys got one too," Trevor said as he pointed to the new piece of furniture.

Willy glanced at the safe and then back at Trevor. "Yeah we sure did."

"You have one of these?" Kate asked.

"Sure," Trevor placed a fat brown cigar in his mouth. "Raquel kept buggin' me until I got one. Four thousand dolla's is a small price to pay if it stops her from naggin'."

"Was there something you needed?" Kate asked nicely.

"Oh yeah," Trevor quickly removed the cigar from his mouth, grasping it in his forefinger and middle finger. "Could I borrow some pesto sauce?"

"I'll see if we have some," Kate said as she excused herself into the kitchen.

"Raquel's bakin' salmon for dinnah," Trevor informed.

"You put pesto on fish?" Brian asked, disgusted by the thought.

"Yeah sure. Why not?" Trevor said.

"Here you go Trevor," Kate said as she handed him the pesto sauce.

"Thanks," Trevor placed the cigar back in his mouth. "I'll bring some ova if there's any left."

"Oh that's okay." Willy said.

"Well," Trevor shrugged, "More fah me."

"Bye Trevor." Kate said as Trevor left.

"Did I hear salmon?" ALF barged into the kitchen. "Why did you turn it down?"

"You would've eaten it without the bone?" Willy asked, recalling ALF only eating whole salmon, including the bones.

"Pass," ALF immediately responded.

Kate collected the dirty plates from the table after dinner. The idea about going to the drive-in was brought up.

"I wanna go! I wanna go!" ALF begged.

"You know you can't go ALF." Willy said. "Somebody might see you."

"Please Willy?" ALF begged again, this time sincerely. "I've never been to a drive-in movie before."

"You have so," Kate said as she sat a piece of chocolate cake down in front of each person at the table.

"Yeah," Lynn agreed. "Remember when I went on a date with Danny Duckwroth?"

"That was different," ALF defended.

"How so?" Lynn asked.

"Well I didn't mean to come then." ALF pointed out. "And this time Willy won't have to cover me with a blanket and carry me through the parking lot."

"It is going to be dark," Brian said.

"Yeah and I'll even wear a black sweat shirt." ALF promised.

"What'd you think?" Willy asked Kate before taking a bite of his cake.

"Brain is right." Kate said. "It's going to be dark."

"Okay ALF," Willy said after consideration. "But you have to stay down."

"No problem!" ALF said before scarfing down his piece of cake.

Their visit to the drive-in went surprisingly well. But the arrival back to home wasn't so sweet.

"ALF, just stay down," Willy said as he parked the car.

He and Kate jetted out of the car. One fire truck, and three police cars were parked outside.

"Are you the owner of this house?" A fireman asked.

"Yes. Yes we are." Willy said as he and Kate held on to each other.

"What happened?" Kate asked.

"Not to worry," The fireman assured. "Your dryer in the laundry room caught fire. A wire shorted out. Your neighbor called nine one, one."

Willy saw Trevor from a distance.

"How much damaged was done?" Willy was concerned.

"The utility room was the only thing that was damaged. Your home owners insurance should cover the expenses to repair most of the damages. But there was one thing that survived and that was that white cabinet you guys had. Well it's not white anymore. It's more of a black color."

Two weeks passed and ALF moved the safe into the living room and boxed it back up.

"Hey ALF," Willy said, noticing that ALF was taping up the box. "What's that?"

"It's the safe," ALF glanced at Willy. "We have to send it back by next Monday or we don't get the money back."

"Ya know," Willy kneeled down beside ALF, "I think we're just going to keep the safe."

"Really?" ALF was shocked.

"Yeah." Willy smiled. "Ya know it saved some very valuable things."

"For once it wasn't my fault," ALF realized. "I mean, I didn't start that fire."

"No, it wasn't." Willy rubbed ALF's shoulder. "Come on. Let's move it back."

"Okay," ALF said as he tossed the roll of tape behind his shoulder.

Willy carefully eased the dolly under the safe.

"Wow. This seems a little heavier than what it was before." Willy commented.

"Oh," ALF looked down at the hard wood floor.

"What?" Willy asked.

"I think I forgot to take everything out of it," ALF admitted.

"Well I guess that's less to unpack," Willy joked.

"Haaaaa, haaaa, haaa," ALF laughed.