Disclaimer: I own none of the Inu-Yasha characters, they belong to Rumiko Takashi. The Star Trek characters belong to Gene Roddenberry. The other characters and situations are thinly disguised parodies of various fan-fictions That Shall Not Be Named, so ownership is debatable on all counts.
Inu-Yasha struggled against the shackles binding him to the wall. "When I get out of these," he growled, "I'm going to tear off the head of whoever did this to me, and shove it up his ass!"
"Oh, stop complaining," Kagome sighed from the other corner of the dungeon, where she was hanging from her own set of shackles. "It's only a couple more hours until the sun rises, and then you'll be a hanyou again and can break us out of here. Until then, I'd like to catch a little bit of sleep!"
The hanyou winced at her grouchy tone. Motherhood wasn't agreeing with Kagome these days, especially since the baby had started teething, and she was prone to take out her frustrations on Inu-Yasha. It wasn't like it was his fault that they had so many kids, Inu-Yasha fumed privately, thinking of the injustice of it all. Kagome knew what he was like on the night of the full moon – why didn't she just make him sleep on the couch, for a change?
His thoughts were interrupted by the opening of the door to the dungeon. For a moment, a brief ray of hope lit his soul. They were going to be rescued!
No such luck. Instead, a shadowy figure of a man entered the dank, cavernous cell, carrying a bucket and a mop. With slow, tired movements, the man began to clean up the blood and gore that covered the dungeon floor.
"I want those rocks to sparkle!" a voice shouted from the other side of the door, the command presumably directed at the janitor. "We've got new arrivals coming in at ten!"
The janitor made an obscene gesture in the direction of the voice, then returned to mopping.
Inu-Yasha turned his attention to the prisoner chained next to him, a teenage girl. "What's your problem, wench?" he asked. "And stop with the cryin' already! You're splashing salt-water all over my fire-rat robes! Do you have any idea how much I spend a year on dry-cleaning?"
The girl wailed harder.
"She has every reason to cry," the prisoner on his left spoke. "Most of us will get out of here eventually, but she's got a lifetime sentence. Crossed the Big Diva, she did."
"What did she do?" Kagome asked curiously. She'd given up on the idea of sleep, although the dungeon walls were slightly more comfortable the bark of the Goshinboku. "Rape? Pillage? Murder?"
"Worse," the prisoner answered. "Plagiarism. Poor thing," he shuddered. "They could have just arrested her quietly, but no – they had to set the Legion of Fan Poodles on her."
Kagome gulped. "That's awful," she whispered. "So…why are you here? Were you her accomplice?"
"Me?" the prisoner scowled. "Oh, no. I'm in here because got drunk one night and fondled my comma splices in public."
"Ew," said Kagome in disgust. "Why didn't you just get a room for that?"
"Pervert," Inu-Yasha muttered.
"Hey, I was drunk," the prisoner pointed out. "Anyway, that's not as bad as what she did." He pointed to a young adult sitting in the corner, balancing an English-to-Japanese dictionary on her knees. "She's in for language abuse. They confiscated her computer and found thirteen unfinished fan-fics; every last one of them was full of run-on sentences, misspellings and fan-girl Japanese. There wasn't a decent paragraph break in the lot of them."
Inu-Yasha's stomach churned. "That's just sick," he spat. "She's in for life, right?"
"She'll be in here the rest of her days, or until she learns to construct a sentence properly. She attending college at an American university right now," the prisoner said.
"She's doomed," Kagome and Inu-Yasha said in unison.
The girl who was sentenced for plagiarism was still crying loudly. "I don't want to stay here forever!" she wailed. "I just wanted to write a story using those characters I loved!"
The janitor shook his mop in her direction. "Shut up!" he snapped at the sobbing girl. "You wrote a fan-fic of the Big Diva's fan-fic without permission! Because I chose not to have you hung from the ramparts, the Big Diva has left my fan-fiction castle! She took all of her Fan Poodles with her, too, and now I'm forced to clean dungeons for a living in order to support my Palace of Plagiarists!"
"Wait a minute," Kagome exclaimed. She craned her neck in order to see the crying girl. "You wrote a story using characters that someone else created? Isn't that…the definition of fan-fiction? Although you don't look very old – can you even write?"
"Hell, no." The college student with the dictionary on her lap spoke up. "The dreck she produced made my eyeballs bleed. She ought to be in here for murder of the English language, but instead, she's doing time for F-WAD."
"F-WAD?" Kagome asked.
"Fan-fiction Without A Disclaimer," the college student replied. "That's what keeps us one step ahead of the Internet Lawyers."
"That's some scary shit," Inu-Yasha said, trembling in his chains.
Meanwhile, aboard the Starship Enterprise:
"Space," Captain Kirk was saying, "the final frontier. Let us boldly go where no man has gone before!"
"Sounds like someone's boldly gone into the Romulan Rum cargo," the half-demon Kibbles said his twin brother. The handsome inu-hanyou sighed. "I wish the Captain wouldn't drink. We always wind up in some sort of trouble, and then Spock has to bail us out."
His twin, Bits, nodded. "Humans can't handle alcohol," he snorted. "Remember how Uncle Miroku used to get hammered and start groping Mom?"
"Yeah. I still can't believe Dad fell for that garbage about MarySue-ko being conceived with a medicine-dropper as a 'favor' to Miroku and Sango. The only thing 'test-tube' about that baby was the tequila shots they were slamming the night before."
"Well, Dad never was the sharpest katana in the arsenal," Kibbles noted. "In fact, I'll bet next month's paycheck that he's in some sort of trouble right now. It's probably the night of the new moon or something, and he's been captured."
"And Mom's probably with him, having a bad scream day. Should we send out a search party?" Bits questioned.
"Let's see…who could we call?" Kibbles pulled out his pocket database and started scrolling through the entries. "We've got at least seventy first-cousins-twice-removed living on Earth; are we on speaking terms with any of them?"
"Not after that last family reunion, we aren't," said Bits. "That was really embarrassing, finding out that our sister Rummy was married to Uncle Sesshomaru's cousin on his mother's side. What the hell was she thinking, anyway? Of course the dude's related to her; it's not like the Earth is crawling with inu-youkai!"
"That's why you should always stick to banging humans," Kibbles said wisely. "There's less chance of kissing your Great-Aunt Matilda that way."
Any further discussion of a search party was interrupted by the blaring of the ship's emergency horns. "What the hell is that?" Kibbles gasped, racing to the bridge to look at the huge blob on the viewing screen.
"I – I'm not sure," Captain Kirk stammered. "It resembles that giant butterfly youkai we killed a few years ago – what was her name?"
"Her name was HavaPistachio," Spock answered in his calm voice. "The resemblance is strong, but all indications lead me to conclude that this is not HavaPistachio, but rather, a Fan-Fiction Author."
"But I thought Fan-Fiction Authors were human!" Bits exclaimed. "Humans don't look like that! That's some enormous blob-thingy!"
"That is the physical manifestation of an Author Ego," Spock announced. "It is a rare event, occurring only when an Author reaches Big Name Fan status and starts to believe the hype. There is but a single way to combat such a creature."
"That's it!" Captain Kirk shouted. "Spock! You're a genius! How could I have forgotten about the HPoH?"
"The what?" Kibbles and Bits asked together.
"The Hat-Pin of Humility," Spock answered. "While it was once used to secure a decorative hat to an elaborate hair-style, it is now used to deflate and purify enormous Author Egos."
Captain Kirk walked over to a locked glass box marked with the words, In Case of Emergency, Make Sure You're Wearing Clean Underpants. Breaking the glass, he retrieved a long, sharp straight-pin and handed it to Kibbles. "Kibbles and Bits – I expect the both of you to take care of this. Good luck!"
"Why do we always get stuck with the dirty work?" Bits asked as they left the bridge.
"Because Spock's too popular to die and stay dead, and I think Uhura's sleeping with the Captain," Kibbles answered.
"Naw, she couldn't be," Bits argued. "All of the Captain's love interests die; it says so in the Starfleet Academy Manual."
Back in the dungeon:
"Five minutes to sunrise, and then it'll be hanyou-time," Kagome said, checking the clock on the dungeon wall. "Geez, I can not wait for you to transform so we can break out of this place. Inu-Yasha, stop trembling! I can feel you shaking the walls clear over here! What's your problem, anyway?"
"Internet Lawyers," Inu-Yasha's voice shook. "Don't let them get me, Kagome!"
Much, much later, aboard the Starship Enterprise
"I can't believe she put up that much of a fight," Kibbles complained, wiping a string of exorcistic back-wash from his eyes. "That thing was huge."
"You're telling me," Bits groaned. "At least we managed to contain it, even if we couldn't purify it. What was that garbage she was screaming at the end?"
"She said, 'How dare you take that from me,'" Kibbles recalled. "That, or maybe it was, 'I'll get you, and your little dog, too.' I really can't remember. C'mon, let's go see if the Captain left us some of that rum."
In the depths of the dungeon:
"So that girl and the dog-boy escaped, huh?" said the prisoner who was in for lewd conduct with a comma splice. He had to speak loudly, as the young teenager was still wailing at the top of her lungs.
"Yes," the college student sighed. "It's a shame, too. The inu-hanyou was so hot! I wonder if he has a brother."
The crying girl stopped for a moment. "He does have a brother," she sniffled. "His name's Sesshomaru, and he's really hot, too. I was going to slash him and Inu-Yasha in my next fan-fic…oh, wait…I was going to write this other fic first. It would be a Sesshomaru/Kagome fic, and I had this really great idea! It starts with Kagome, and she catches Inu-Yasha and Kikyo making out under the Goshinboku, so she runs and then she meets Sesshomaru…"
The rest of her words were drowned out by the screams of agony coming from her fellow prisoners. Eventually, unable to stand the noise, the janitor returned to the dungeon and beat them all unconscious with his mop. Satisfied that his work was done, he returned to his Palace of Plagiarists and lived happily ever after.