AN: Credit must be given to my friend Jill who helped me come up with this ridiculous idea.
Disclaimer: I in no way own any part of the Harry Potter franchise. (nor do I own A Midsummer's Night Dream, which is where 'lamentable comedy' is from).
The Most Lamentable Comedy of Voldemort and Sally
Voldemort dashed down the hallway, following Harry Potter into the Chamber of Secrets. All of a sudden he stopped dead in his tracks and screamed, "NOOO!" Dropping to the ground, he threw his arms around the body of the dead basilisk, crying, "Dead, dead! My beautiful Sally is dead. We must hold a funeral immediately!"
"But, sir, what about Harry Potter?" one of the Death Eaters asked.
"I don't know--tie him up or something," Voldemort said impatiently. "My Sally is dead!" he moaned, stroking the dead snakes head. "Did you die well?" he whispered. "Did you die killing mudbloods to the very end?" The Death Eaters were watching him very apprehensively.
"Sir?" said one of them timidly. "Sir, you still have Nagini."
"That doesn't count! She's not a basilisk!" he turned back to the carcass, still stroking its head. "My poor Sally was the first snake I ever owned! She was there for me when no one else was!"
All the while Harry had been edging slowly to the door. One of the Death Eaters spotted him and shot a curse at him. The spell hit the rock over Harry's head. He ducked out the door and ran up the passageway. The Death Eaters started to follow.
"Stop!" cried Voldemort. "We must hold a funeral for my dear Sally!"
"But, sir," a Death Eater said. "Harry Potter is escaping."
"I don't care! My snake is dead!"
"But sir," said the Death Eater in bewilderment, "Harry Potter--"
"Forget about him! Everyone get back here! We must hold a funeral NOW! Avery, you can be the minister." So they began the funeral, giving Harry time to tell everyone what was going on and begin the evacuation of the school. This was not a problem for they could have reached China before the funeral was even half way through, but that's not where they were heading. Meanwhile, back in the chamber… "Sally was a good snake. She was the best basilisk a dark wizard could ask for. She always did what I asked and not once--not once!--did she ever look at me. Nagini here has a lot to live up to, you could say..."
Several months later...
Harry, Ron, and Hermione are sat relaxed on the beach, enjoying the rest of the school year on a deserted tropical island. "I wonder where Voldemort is," said Harry, watching Ron try to sculpt a sand castle that vaguely resembled Hogwarts. Hermione was not helping much either. ("No, Ron, the North Tower is on the north side of the castle, not the east side!") Harry continued, "Nobody's seen him for the longest time..."
Back in the chamber of secrets… "Now," said Voldemort, laying the last flower on Sally's grave. "Where is Harry Potter?"
All the Death Eaters looked at each other. "You told us to forget about him, sir," said one of them at last.