Censors and Bogeymuggles.
Thank you padfoot'smoon! Now, because I am so excited about my first review, I'm putting the second chapter up right now
Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter and co. I do not own the PPC or their gadgets. I don't even own Jenn. All I own is Nel. And sometimes she scares even me. You can have Nel for free. Just don't blame me for the damage. If however you do feel the urge to sue, go right ahead. Just don't do it the Mary - way….
Once again, the extracts from the Mary-Sue fic are in italics.
'Bored, bored, bored,' Nel wandered around the room, examining the pictures hung on the wall for the fiftieth time that morning.
'Nel, get out of the way!' Jenn complained as Nel crossed in front of the television.
'Why? You've watched that match, like, ten times already. You speak along with it.'
'Well, it's not like we have anything better to do.'
'We could go and buy another picture. I'm fed up with these,' Nel gestured around the room. 'Or, and here's a novel idea, buy some chairs to sit on.'
'Shut up and sit on your beanbag.' Jenn poked the red bag towards Nel. 'Besides, we can't go out because we might get another Mary-Sue.'
'We've hardly been out for a whole week. Please let me out.' Nel begged just as a beeping sound came from the console in the corner.
'There, I told you so,' Jenn said smugly as Nel tried to suffocate herself with her beanbag. 'Oh stop that and read this.'
Nel stood up and grabbed the ream of paper from Jenn, eyes quickly skimming the pages.
'Right, it's a Harry Potter, complete with Psycho-Sue, who in this one ends up blowing up Hogwarts after killing her brother who happens to be Lord Voldemort, after being under the….' Nel trailed off and exploded into fits of laughter.
'What? What was she under?' Jenn tried, unsuccessfully, to take the story back off Nel.
Nel regained herself and tried again, 'She was under the…' but again started laughing and this time fell over the bean bag.
Through gales of laughter Jenn managed to catch the word 'curse' as well as something about logic problems.
'Come on Nel, I guess I'll find out later anyway.' Jenn pulled up Nel, and created a door way.
Jenn stepped through the door way, and pulled a still giggling Nel in behind her, a clipboard in the other hand.
Once on the other side she looked down to make sure that they'd fit in. The Hogwarts robes they had on seemed fine but she always checked, just incase. After that time... Jenn shuddered.
'Everything seems fine Nel, let's get to work.'
The two girls made their way to the school and soon found themselves in the midst of the Mary-sue fic when two figures emerged from the corridor that led to the Slytherin common room, right in the path of Harry, Ron and Hermione. One was Draco Malfoy (Nel whimpered). The other was a pale, dark haired girl that Nel hated the sight of. None of them noticed the extra students hanging around. Mostly because the canon characters weren't able to unless they were directly spoken to, and the sue was just stupid.
'And STAY out of our common room, (censored)!' Screamed Malfoy.
Jenn winced at the over usage of exclamation marks, wondering what kind of insult 'censored' was, as Nel's eyes narrowed at the abuse of her precious Malfoy.
'Malfoy would never say that, whatever it was she censored. And he certainly would not 'scream'. He has decorum, stature, dignity, nobility, distinction, grandeur….'
'Shut up weirdo, I want to hear,' Jenn whispered as the Mary-Sue started talking.
'That Lucius Malfoy! I HATE him! Pretending his name is Draco and he doesn't know me!
Talk about rude and stupid! If he wasn't a fellow Slytherin, I'd…' Her voice trailed off.
'He is not rude or stupid,' Nel was practically foaming at the mouth. 'Just misunderstood.'
'Who are YOU?' She asked. 'I've never seen you around before…'
'Um, Harry Potter, Ron Weasley, and Hermione Granger.'
Ron was laughing hard. 'Finally, someone who's never heard of Harry! FINALLY!'
An even deeper frown crossed the strange girl's face.
'That's an interesting look,' Nel whispered as the frown climbed down and crossed the corridor as well.
'Why SHOULD I have heard of Harry Potter? What did he do?'
Ron laughed harder. 'Well he – he stole a hundred Galleons from – '
'What? When?' Jenn frowned and wrote down 'Harry – thief.'
'I think he was being sarcastic. Or….not.' Nel gave in as Jenn glared at her and underlined what she had written. 'It's your charge list after all.'
Hermione glare. 'Ron, it's not funny that this girl hasn't read her history books properly, and you certainly shouldn't exploit that fact.'
'Wow, she sure comes down heavy.'
'Harry Potter is known for having caused the downfall of Voldemort, although-'
'I know who Voldemort is,' said the girl quietly. 'But how did you know that my brother likes to call himself Lord Voldemort?'
'Jenn, can we kill her now?'
Jenn ignored Nel and continued the charge list.
Ron stopped laughing.
'Your brother?' Asked Harry 'But – but that's impossible – he must be in his sixties by now…'
'Sixties? Tom isn't in his sixties. He's eleven, for crying out loud…'
Suddenly the girl stopped, as if all this was finally making sense.
'What year is this?' She asked suspiciously.
'Oh here it comes, Jenn! The curse. Oh the cursedness…' Nel shoved her hand in her mouth to muffle her giggles and turned away.
'So if it was 1937 before… I thought so,' she said. 'It's the fifty eight year sleep curse. He must have cast it on me while I was in that closet looking for…'
Hermione gasped. 'The fifty eight year sleep curse! I've heard of that… We need to tell Dumbledore!'
'The fifty eight year sleep curse?' Jenny raised her eyebrows and wrote more notes down as Ron started talking.
'Tell Dumbledore?' said Ron.
'Of course,' Said Hermione. 'Ron, the fate of the entire wizarding world could rest on this girl!'
'Oh could it indeed? Hah!'
'She could provide us vital information about Voldemort…'
'So he really is one of the greatest wizards of all time, and… (censored) him!' She suddenly shouted, then turned on her heel to go who knows where, leaving a perplexed Harry, Ron and Hermione behind her.
'Too many exclamation marks…' murmured Jenn, turning to Nel, who had put in ear plugs.
'What did I miss?' She asked when Jenn kicked her.
'The Mary-sue discovering Voldemort is 'one of the greatest wizards of all time', but apart from that, nothing much. So what now?'
Nel looked at the paper still in her hand. 'Well at dinner Dumbledore announces to the whole school who she is, which is Alanna Mary Riddle, and also it would appear that Voldemort is going to attack the school and they should be on their guard. Because causing a panic is the best thing to do under these circumstances.'
'How do they know?' Asked Jenn.
'Um… it's here later on…' Nel trailed off and started scanning the pages. 'Oh, here it is… Voldemort writes them a letter.'
'Writes a letter.'
'Tell me Nel, if you were going to attack somewhere, would you write them a letter telling them?'
'Like I said, logic problems.'
'Anyway, what happens after dinner?'
'Potions, in which we get to hear aaaaaaall about Alanna. Oh joy.'
'Should we go?'
'Yeah, we'll get a whole lot more to put on your little clipboard…'
Once in potions, Jenn and Nel settled themselves down behind Ron, Harry, Hermione and the 'sue.
'He really is a great wizard' seemed to be all she could say. She was pretty stunned
For a second, Alanna keeled over as a stunning spell hit her.
Jenn glared at Nel, who tried to look innocent.
'Only if your definition of 'great; is killing every third person within a thousand miles of yourself…'
Alanna smiled. 'Maybe it is.'
Alanna now seemed to be talking to herself.
'First sign of madness,' Nel muttered
'(censored) that kid… he wasn't supposed to grow up and become a dark lord without me! I was the one who made up all that stuff in the first place…'
Jenn made a spluttering sound and scribbled furiously, 'Liar, credit snatcher, attention seeker…'
'Well why not? It's better than sitting around and letting the mudbloods ruin everything. We both made up names for ourselves by rearranging the letters of out filthy Muggle-given names… Tom's name spelled 'I am Lord Voldemort', and mine spelled 'I am Lady Landenarr'.'
Landenarr. It was an interesting sounding name.
'And stupid. Jenn, can I pleeeeeease kill her?'
'No! My turn remember. But you can read out the charges if you like. I know you enjoy that just as much, even if it is just to add some pointless ones that are only annoying on a more personal level.'
It was also proof that Alanna was turning out to be just as evil as her younger brother.
'Why are they still talking to her? She's obviously a psycho! This is soooo stupid!'
'Nel! Shut up! Again!'
'No talking during potions, Potter,' Said Professor Snape. 'Twenty points from Gryffendor.'
'Oh look Nel, a completely new house! GryffEndor! Very interesting..' Jenn said scathingly as she wrote another note down. 'Doesn't the stupid bint know how to use a spell check?'
Nel grinned, It looked like Jenn hated Alanna as much as her.
'Jenn, the next bit is just Harry and Co. talking to Alanna, showing her the Chamber of Secrets where she,' Nel pulled a face, 'cries, because the Basilisk is dead. Because that's what normal people do when they discover that the huge killing machine has been stopped. Then she says she'll help fight the big V because Harry asks her to... Next there's a bit more but its all crap, crap, crap, crap,' Nel flicked through the words, 'Gah, we can skip all of this…but oh! Here we go, the letter.'
'Let's get there then.'
'Cockroach cluster!' said Harry, and made his way up to Dumbledore's office.
'Yes?' said Dumbledore, who was reading some papers, but put them down on Harry's entrance.
'Did we really need all that info?'
'I… well, a lot of things have happened, and I'm not sure where to start, but…'
'Sit down,' said Dumbledore. He looked unusually grave. 'It's about Miss Riddle, isn't it?'
'Did you even have to ask? Eeeeeeverythings about Miss Riddle. The whore.'
Miss Riddle has told me of these past few day's events. She has told me she is willing to help us in the fight against Voldemort.'
'Well – that's the problem, really. I don't trust her. She seems to know an awful lot of dark magic, for one thing. And she's a lot like her brother. Did you know she has a name for herself, too? Lady Landenarr. And –'
'I don't get it. Didn't he ask her to join them in the first place?' Jen looked at Nel wildly. 'My head hurts.'
Unfortunately Nel wasn't around to help. She was too busy trying to find the hardest surface in the office, in order to bang her head against it.
'I am aware that Miss Riddle is, like her brother, not entirely sane. However, she is our greatest link to Voldemort, and in times like these, it often becomes necessary to enlist the help of those we would rather avoid.'
'That,' bang, 'is a,' bang, 'damn stinkin',' bang, 'lie!' BANG! Nel smiled as the pain of the fic faded away to make room for her incoming headache.
That made little sense to Harry, but before he could say so, there was another knock on the door. Dumbledore got up and went to the door to speak to whoever was out there. From their voices, it seemed like it was Professor Slamabama, the new Defence teacher, but Harry couldn't make out what they were saying. On impulse, he moved closer to the papers Dumbledore had been reading. When he saw what the scrawled writing on It, ('What the…?') though, he almost wished he hadn't. This was the threat from Voldemort Dumbledore had spoken of earlier.
Jenn took out a small remote type thing, and froze the fic. Nel gaped at her. Jenn ignored her and took out the clipboard, 'Who is Professor 'Slamabama'? The name seriously offends me. Why would anyone employ someone called Slamabama?'
Nel however couldn't really care less. Something else had caught her attention.
'I didn't know we could do that. When do I get a freezy thing?'
Jenn turned to look at her, eyebrows raised, 'When I can trust you not to pause the fic every time Draco walks on.'
'Fine, be like that!' Nel sulked and turned back to the letter. One might wonder why this was her response, but it probably had something to do with the fact that she knew she was never going to get the freezy thing now.
I am going to arrive at your pitiful little school at 8:00 PM on Thursday, January 15th and there is nothing you can do about it. If you want the students to be saved from being blown up into smithereens, then put Harry Potter and Alanna Riddle in front of the doors of the school by the time I get there. I want them tied up, unarmed, and conscious. I will not excuse lateness. If this demand is not met your entire school will be anhillated.
'That's not how you spell annihilated. It sounds like he's going to build a hill in Hogwarts,' Jenn pointed out. Then she did a double take when she caught a glimpse at Nel's head. A large bump was forming. However she chose not to comment as much more pressing matters were at hand.
'Oh. My. Goodness. He wrote a precise date!' Jenn stared at the letter, shocked.
Nel's left eye began to twitch. 'When you kill her, do it slowly.'
Jenn nodded, pressed her remote, and the scene started.
Dumbledore came back from his talk with Professor Slamabama.
'Professor,' said Harry,
'Said Harry… Said Dumbledore… Said Ron… All these people do is 'say'. Why can't they beg, or remark, or even state?' Jenn grumbled.
'I – I saw Voldemort's letter to you.'
'Only because you went and looked through the stuff on Albus' desk!'
'I have a plan. I know how we could get out of this without having the school blown up, or getting me or Alanna killed.'
'Wait! Don't you start a new paragraph when another person talks?' Nel asked.
'Yeah…' Jenn nodded.
'But Harry was still talking, so that means…' Nel trailed off.
'Oh no,' Jenn winced as she looked up and saw two Harry Potters talking to Dumbledore, telling him their plan. Which Dumbledore liked. Hardly a surprise there.
'It could work,' he said.
There was a SWOMPH as the fic forwarded to the next day – the 15th.
'Why didn't you tell me that was going to happen?' Jenn moaned. 'Why would you do something like that?'
As Nel and Jenn held onto their stomachs in fear of losing their food, they noticed that Harry and Alanna were tied to a pole in front of Hogwarts.
Sure enough, Voldemort arrived at precisely 8:00, at least according to the clock in one of the Hogwarts towers. He was flanked by a terrifyingly large array of Death Eaters, Dementors, and other various scary things in cloaks.
'This is just stupid, 'various scary things in cloaks.' Pah!' Jenn murmured.
Voldemort was pleased to see that on the surface his demands had been met.
'Hello Harry,' he said. 'We meet again. Comfortable? Enjoying yourself? I'm so glad to hear it. And Alanna… having fun being the younger one for once in your life? Do you feel powerful now? Do you feel like Lady Landenarr?'
'Eat (censored), Tom!' snapped Alanna.
'How can you eat censored?' Nel asked quietly, then making an 'Aah' of realisation as Voldemort ate a little black strip.
'I should warn you two little brats,' said Voldemort, 'if any of you try anything funny, I shall simply say the word and your precious little school will go KABLOOSH! With all your dear little friends and our wonderful, amazing Headmaster inside it. Got that? Good.' He laughed his all-too-familiar high, cold laugh.
'Oh no you don't, Tom,' said Alanna, with the air of one revealing her greatest and most terrible weapon. 'The Bogeynuggle will get you if you kill us… the Boooooogeeeeeymuuuuuggllllleeeee…'
Nel couldn't take anymore, she stormed ahead of Jenn, waving her arms around in anger.
'What the HELL is a frickin' Bogeymuggle?' She shouted.
Everyone turned to her in shock. Alanna stood up, able to because the ropes had been 'magically weakened.'
'What's going on?' She narrowed her eyes and raised her wand.
'Don't bother Mary-Sue,' Nel kicked her in the shin so she sat down again. 'You are charged with 1)Pissing me off, 2)SWOMPH-ing us, 3)Making Malfoy call you a censored, which also is apparently something you can eat, 4)Calling him rude and stupid, when really he's just misunderstood…'
'NEL! Do the real charges.'
'Um, yeah, right. 5) Accusing Harry of being a thief, 6) Changing the pot to give Voldemort a sister called Alanna/Landenarr, which is a stupid name anyway, and not at all suitable for a Dark Lord. 7)Inventing the highly amusing, but highly illogical fifty-eight year sleep curse, 8)Making Voldemort so stupid that he writes a letter to Dumbledore to warn him, 9)Saying that you made up all the things that Voldemort did, Bad Credit stealer!' Nel paused for a moment to allow Jenn to smack the 'Sue hard over the back of the head. '!0)Inventing a new house called Gryffendor, 11)Inventing a new Teacher, and worse, 12)calling them Slamabama. 13) Threatening to build a hill in the middle of Hogwarts, 14) Changing the logic of your own fic, 15) Contradicting your own fic, 16) Including completely retarded and pointless information, 17) Adding another Harry to your fic, 18) Always 'saying' things, use a bit of variety, eh? 19) Making Voldemort eat censored, 20) Inventing a Bogeymuggle, I mean, come on… A bogeymuggle? What were you thinking? 21) Making Voldemort scared of something so utterly stupid. And if we hadn't of stopped you, you would have killed Voldemort, and blown up Hogwarts yourself, killing everyone. And that includes Malfoy, which is a crime in itself. Then laughing! As well as making Harry think you were attractive. You are a very sad and twisted person, and all this deserves a suitable punishment. Over to you Jenn.'
Jenn stepped forward 'Let's take a walk.'
Jenn and Nel each grabbed one of Alanna's arms, and marched her through the grounds of Hogwarts. When they got to the lake, Jenn stopped.
'You know, I don't feel like walking anymore. Hey Alanna, fancy a swim?'
Without waiting for an answer, Jenn pushed Alanna into the lake, where she disappeared for a few seconds, then surfaced.
'Is that the best you can do?' She jeered.
Nel looked at Jenn and smiled,' what's going to happen now?'
'Just watch, I borrowed the Watcher from the Gates of Moria…' The rest was pretty self explanatory as the Watcher surfaced and proceeded to rip Alanna apart.
'Clever!' Nel shouted over the screams, which were cut off abruptly. 'Very ingenious.'
'Well, I like to think so.'
'What do we do with the students and teachers?'
Jen hurried off in the direction of the school, where many confused witches and wizards still stood, Nel following close behind.
'Um…excuse me?' a very worried looking Voldemort tapped Nel on the shoulder. 'But I don't think I'm supposed to be here. Yet.'
Nel grinned, 'No problem big V, just look straight at this shiny stick. That goes for the rest of you too.'
As one, Jenn and Nel whipped out dark glasses. There was a blinding flash then everyone else went slightly slack jawed.
Jenn was the first to speak. 'Right. You!' She pointed at Voldemort, 'you were never here…'
'Except when he went to school here, ' Nell added, absent mindedly.
'Um…Yes! That too. You lot, go inside. This never happened. Everyone go back to whatever they were doing before Alanna came along.'
'Not that she existed.'
'Will you shut up?'
Later that day at the PPC headquarters, the initial buzz at killing a 'sue was wearing off, and Jenn had gone back to watching her wrestling, whilst Nel studied the pictures again. And rubbed cream on the very red bump on her forehead.
'You know, we could go and buy some chairs now.'
'Actually… Why not? Let me get my coat.'
'Really? You're actually going to leave this room?' Nel practically jumped for joy.
They were just about to leave when a beeping sound came form the corner.
Nel sank to the floor, head in her hands. 'I hate this job.'
(A.N. Heylo, 'tis Nel! Well, that was a fun PPC to do. What an idiot though! Stupid names and everything! Though I must admit that I am quite a fan of the Fifty-eight year sleep curse, cracks me up every time. The bogeymuggle however… that just bloody annoyed me! Grrrr.
And yes, Malfoy is still mine. So NYEH!)