Summary: 'She tried to stop herself from questioning whether one could love a person if they were not entirely sure who that person was.'
She tried to ignore the doubt when it occasionally snuck in. She tried to stop herself from questioning whether one could love a person if they were not entirely sure who that person was. She also tried to convince herself that you could never truly know everything about a person and therefore it shouldn't matter.
She succeeded most of the time.
Having a child together, in most 'normal' circumstances, should probably feel different to the pieced together lifestyle that they could call their own. She doubted whether other mothers managed to forget entirely that they had a child who relied upon them whilst they were busy doing something else. Fiona was good at convincing herself of things and therefore attempted to believe that she was no different, and that she loved her son very much. She did. She just wasn't there for him.
She fell head over heels in love with Adam two weeks and a day after she first met him. Perhaps it had happened before then, but she hadn't noticed it. He was sweet and kind and she could tell that he was instantly intrigued by her. Her defences were lower than usual and he burrowed his way into her heart faster than any other person. But then, there were only one or two others to beat. Fiona didn't trust people.
The job was perfect for her. She introduced herself to people, used them, said goodbye and moved on. She tried her best not to hurt people along the way but ended up failing more often that she would have liked. Late one night, Adam had spoken to her in a hushed voice that in their line of work people were going to get hurt, but that she tried her best not to let it happen and that was the most she could do. As she looked at him he told her of all the people she had helped by hurting a handful, and she smiled slightly at his effort to alleviate her pain.
Adam loved her very much, she knew. But every now and then she wondered if the real name he'd given her was in fact another cover, and he really was far better at his job than she had first thought. Adam was an incredible actor, and self-doubt sometimes managed to cloud her mind and force herself to doubt him. It was the nature of their job. That was what she convinced herself of.
If he doubted her, he never let on. And that was one of the reasons she was afraid of him. He appeared to love her so much, and so deeply, that when she was tired or stressed or far too far away from home she wasn't sure whether she would prefer it to be real or just a hoax. If it were a hoax she would sweep up the scattered pieces of her heart and box them up in tungsten, never to be touched again. If it were real she'd have to deal with the consequences of their jobs and how it only took a second for one of them to be wiped out.
Some days she found it safer to believe in the first. Until he called her and it would manage to make her smile, if ever so briefly, and she realised that she couldn't believe in the first when she had the utmost faith in the second. He would stay on the line, talking to her softly until she sounded so tired that she might actually manage to get some sleep. If he couldn't wrap his arms around her it was the closest he could do.
And then she believed again. Believed that whilst Adam was a trained spy and the best actor she had ever known, he lied to her no more than she to him.
They loved each other, that she knew. They wouldn't survive without one another, that she knew.
They would have to learn how to, one day. That she knew, too.
But for now, half-way across the globe, standing in front of a mirror watching tears stream down her pale face, she listened to her husband's familiar voice and told him she loved him. She almost could see his smile on the other end of the phone, and for another evening she managed to pretend.