I don't own Gilmore Girls or the song Pitseleh.
Author's Note: Alright…so this is a small, one parter that I was inspired to write while listening to my Elliot Smith CD. The song is called Pitseleh and it made me think of the way Jess must have been feeling while he was in Venice Beach with his dad. Anyway I hope you all like it and please review as this is my first attempt at writing anything to do with Jess!
He's never able to pinpoint the exact moment. He's not sure he wants to. Because, that would have to mean facing everything. Facing her. Which by now he thought would have been easy as he saw her everywhere. Everything seemed to remind him of her, some small gesture or one randomly chosen word and there would be a smile tugging at the corners of his mouth. But he never did smile.
He didn't want to be this guy. Obsessing over the past, pouring himself over the 'what if' scenarios. But it's what he's been reduced to. Every night she haunts his dreams, his every waking thought. He can't escape her. No matter how much he wants to.
tell you why I
don't want to know where you are
I got a joke I've been
Dying to tell you
Everyday he can feel himself slipping up. Thinking about writing to her, wondering if her number is still listed. Sometimes he'll even see someone or read something that he knows she'd love and he instantly promises himself he'll tell her. But he knows he can't.
silent kid is looking
down a barrel
to make the noise that I
kept so quiet
He finds it ironic that he wants to talk to her more now that he's out of her life. He's never really talked to anyone before. He knew he shut her out along with everyone else. Always the strong and silent type.
He figures it has something to so with that old saying, 'You always want whatever you can't have.' And that's exactly true. He can't have her anymore, not that he ever really did. He never let her in enough to ever have her completely but not even a small part of her was his anymore. Maybe he should have talked to her earlier? Maybe he could still do that? If for nothing but closure.
not what's missing
from your life now
I could never be the
It's the middle of the night when he finally decides to do it. Outside, under the black sky, he writes with a raw emotion that will always throw him. The days before he started the letter, it seemed so daunting. This impossible task of writing his feelings down on paper, in the form of a letter that she would read. But it surprises him how effortlessly the words come. And he supposes that it makes sense as he's kept his feeling bottled up forever.
However painful the letter was to write, the more he continued the more weight seemed to be lifted off his chest. Finally, it was his chance to explain to her why he'd treated her the way he had. He needed her to know that it had never been about her, not in the least. It was him that took their relationship and buried it six feet under. And all because she deserved more than him, he knew it from the beginning. He wasn't the last part in her life; he was just a stop along the way.
And even if he knew the whole time that they weren't soul mates, he still fell for her. Sometime in between the first night he met her and the day he boarded that bus out of Stars Hollow…he gave his heart to the girl.
say that God makes problems
Just to see what you could stand
before you do as the
And, give up the thing you love
And before he could stop himself he was writing about his past. About growing up in New York and all the tough breaks he'd had to put up with. He wasn't trying to make excuses; he just wanted her to understand him even just a tiny bit better.
He tried to explain that he'd done the best he could. Because he really had, there was no other way of putting it. He'd treated her badly; hurt her in more ways then he liked to think of. He doesn't even try to stop the apology from spelling out into the letter. He knows an apology won't cut it, won't even come close but he has to start somewhere.
first time I saw you
I knew it would never last
I'm not half what I
Wish I was
He thinks he's spent way to much time with her as he realizes the letter is already over three pages. Before he can stop himself he's writing about how cute she was when she'd ramble. He wonders briefly if he'll scratch that part out before he sends the letter.
He knows he's disappointed a lot of people in his life, but she seems to stick out among the crowd. He feels the need to stress that he's trying to change. Trying out that widely famous period in life when you try to find yourself. He jokes about how long that'll take, though he's completely serious and he thinks she'll know that. Gods knows he has no real clue what he's supposed to do in life. All he knows is that he's definitely not the man he wants to be.
I don't think it'll ever pass
and I was bad news for you.
He confesses almost reluctantly near the end of his letter that he's not sure if he'll ever actually become someone. He can't help pausing in his laboured writing to reminisce about the many pushes she had given him. She tried so hard to help him and in the end it seemed he only continued to bring her down with him.
He shakes himself out of his stupor, gripping the pencil in his hand again. He can picture her as she reads this letter, a frown marring her features, maybe even tears collecting in her eyes. He takes no time to think before he's telling her she shouldn't cry over him because he doesn't deserve it.
He can see the clear signs of the sun appearing before the horizon as he finally finishes the letter. He leans back from the table he'd been writing on, finally feeling the beginnings of closure. Because he knows he's finally told her everything she wanted to know and the one thing he needed her to know.
I never meant to hurt you