Disclaimer: I do not own A Series of Unfortunate Events, Old Navy, or Heinz. However, I do own one pickle fork.
Violet laid the last few bottles of ketchup on the table. She stared from the table to the clock. It was 1:30. Well, she was a little early. There must be something she was forgetting.
"Klaus!" she called. "I feel like I'm forgetting something."
"Hmm?" said Klaus from the doorframe.
"I feel like I'm missing something."
Klaus looked at the table and counted the bottles. "Violet!" he shouted, aghast with horror. "You forgot the Heinz! There are only 19 bottles!"
"Oh, darn! Well, it's 1:32, can you go get some?" She held out a $20 bill.
"Sure!" said Klaus, collecting the money and dashing out the door to the strip mall down the street.
He made his way to the supermarket and bought the ketchup. Now HE felt like he was forgetting something. He glanced around, hoping for a reminder. The minute his eyes caught a glimpse of Old Navy he remembered. It was Fiona's birthday and he hadn't got her anything! He panicked. It was the sign in the store window that saved him.
"Halter tops for half price! A non-depressing article of clothing at a non-depressing price!"
Klaus glanced at his watch. He still had 20 minutes. With a sigh of relief he sprinted into Old Navy.
Meanwhile, back at the mansion, Violet was sitting at the table with Sunny, the Quagmires and Fiona.
"It's not like him to be late!" Fiona cried. "I don't know if I can handle the pressure! What if he's been attacked by a large bear who's escaped from the circus! Oh no! What if he's not here by 2?"
"Shut up Fiona. Just because you can't handle 5 minutes apart from Klaus-" Isadora said with a wistful look in her eyes. "I mean, your BOYFRIEND!"
Fiona leaped up, brandishing a fork. "Why, you little…"
"I'm back!" resounded a call from the entrance. "And I got the Heinz!"
"Yay! Oh Klausy-poo!" called Fiona.
"Oh brother," muttered Isadora to Duncan.
"Oh brother is right," muttered Duncan to Isadora, as Quigley leaned in Violet's direction.
At promptly 2:00, everyone began to dig into their ketchup. "Inthelue!" shouted Sunny, meaning "It's a surprise everyone has forgotten the importance of eating ketchup at 2:00 on Thursday afternoon!"
"And it's also surprising that people have forgotten why they should never, ever buy half price-" she paused to wipe her lips with a napkin.
"Don't bother with napkins! Let me take that off!" Quigley leaned over and kissed Violet. It's a real shame he did. Because if he hadn't kissed Violet Baudelaire in the middle of her statement, Klaus would have remembered what he had forgotten earlier. For indeed, it was not Fiona's birthday, and Klaus had forgotten something else that was very, very important.
When the last of the ketchup bottles had been recycled and everyone was sitting around the table laughing and talking, Klaus announced "Happy birthday Fiona!" He pulled the Old Navy bag out from under his chair.
"Oh Klaus! You didn't!" said Fiona. Horror was written all over her triangular shaped glasses. "It's not even my birthday!"
"Open it! Open it!" hollered Klaus mindlessly.
Fiona grimaced and made a silent wish that it would NOT be a halter top. Of course, it was.
Fiona began to scream and dropped the shirt. Klaus clapped his hand over her mouth in a romantic way. "Why don't you go try it on?" He gave her a peck on the cheek. Fiona scooped up the halter top and ran to the bathroom. She might as well get the whole thing over with.
As soon as she had left, Klaus noticed everyone staring at him!
"Orpseride!" shrieked Sunny, which probably meant something along the lines of "Well, someone's loose in the noggin!"
"I like egg nog!" replied Klaus in his slightly ketchup-drunk giddiness.
"No, Klaus! This is awful! She can't wear that top! Horrible things will happen! Don't you remember THE RULE?" Isadora said, leaning over the table.
"Oh darn! I knew I was forgetting something!"
At that moment Fiona returned, wearing the purple shirt. Her eyes were brimming with tears.
"I hate life! I hate existence! I hate purple! I'm going to kill myself!"
"I think I'm gonna' be sick," said Duncan, stumbling out of the room.
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" screamed Klaus. "FIONA!"
Fiona picked up the pickle fork and held it to her throat.
She would have stabbed herself if it hadn't been for Duncan's quick thinking. He had excused himself to go to the bathroom, obviously, but saw Fiona's Herman Melville t-shirt. He snatched it, then ran to the kitchen. He brashly removed the halter top, then dashed the Herman Melville t-shirt on.
Fiona fainted and dropped the pickle fork. Klaus fainted too.
Violet walked over and picked up the halter. Her face went a pale white and she picked up the TV remote, turning it to the news. The smiling news reporter was announcing exactly what Violet didn't want to hear.
"Millions depressed worldwide after Old Navy halter sale!"
A shot of a depressed individual in South Dakota showed. She was stabbing herself with a pickle fork.
Violet turned off the TV.
"Hey! I was watching that!" shouted Quigley angrily.
Violet held the remote out of Quigley's hands.
"The world is in danger, and it's up to us to save it!"
So what did you think? Hopefully it wasn't too awful, although it's a bit on the loony side. Thanks for reading!