That's Why I Still Haven't Fired Him
Disclaimer: Nope, I don't own the Turks or Final Fantasy, how great would that be though (goes into a fifty two minute drooling session)
A/C: Ah the Turks, at the office is there any more satisfyingly insane venue for a humor fic?
Tseng glanced at his watch, it was eleven and Reno still hadn't shown up for work. He tolerated it just simply because the man was so good at his job, unfortunately he couldn't be trusted with anything else, and to make things worse he still had to think of some entertainment for the company picnic next week.
Elena's head poked through the door. "Sir.
Tseng looked up at her. "Yes?"
"Do you know where Reno is I haven't been able to find him, I still don't know how he hasn't been fired a hundred times over, he's so unreliable."
Tseng sighed. "I'm going to go get a cup of coffee."
Tseng shrugged as he walked past her. "Try calling his house."
He had made it about halfway down the hallway when a large crash came from the shared office of Reno and Rude. Tseng sighed and took a step back and looked into the room. "What's going on here."
The bulky form of Rude turned to him and it took all of his control not to laugh, the bald Turk was covered in paint, bright pink paint.
Rude rubbed his head self consciously and pointed to an air vent. "He's gotten into the vents sir."
Tseng rubbed his temples in frustration. "You mean I've been in my office all day waiting to brief him on his next mission and he's been up in the ventilation system, using the skills Shin-Ra paid large sums of money to train him in, shooting up the place with PINK paintballs."
Rude nodded. "That's about the gist of it sir."
Tseng turned around and walked down the hall. "Well come on!"
Rude poked his head out the door. "...Mind if I clean up first boss?"
Tseng closed his eyes and slowly counted to ten. "Make it quick."
Not long after the muscle bound Turk walked out of his private bathroom, clean, and wearing his spare suit, grabbing one of his spare pairs of sunglasses on his way out (he liked to keep a few pairs just in case Hurricane Reno blew through the office.)
Placing his ultra cool sunglasses on he looked over at Tseng. "Where should we start?"
Tseng look in the direction of the shriek. "There."
They found themselves in Elena's office biting their tongues, drenched in what appeared to be ranch dressing.
Rude smirked. "Reno strikes again."
Tseng rolled his eyes. "Don't get cocky there pinky."
At Elena's questioning look the Turk returned to his stoic attitude.
"We should split up, we'll have a better chance of catching him, and when I do I'm going to-" Tseng was cut off as the lights flickered and went out.
"Aww crap." Rude muttered
"Oh gods he's gotten into the power control room."
Tseng winced. "I thought we had guards all around that area."
Rude clicked on a small penlight. "What can mere guards do against Satan himself."
Elena fumbled around in her desk drawer before finally producing a large flashlight.
Tseng turned around. "We'd better head down to the control room, everybody stay together." He strode towards the door, directly into a wall.
Elena pointed the light towards him. "Uhhh the doors about three feet to your right."
Tseng mumbled an angry "Thanks."
The two subordinate Turks stopped as their leader overshot them. "Boss where are you going?" Elena called out after him.
Their reply came from the dark a few feet away. "To the elevator where do you-"
His voice was cut off as a loud thud resounded throughout the room.
Rude winced (behind those damnably cool shades of course.) "Power's out, elevator won't work."
Tseng walked passed the two and into the stairwell.
Elena looked over at Rude and whispered. "I think he broke his nose when he walked into the elevator."
Rude nodded. "Don't tell him that though, he'll rip you apart."
"Hurry up you two!"
They quickly followed after their mildly injured leader.
When they caught him he had just finished wiping the blood from his face and was now set on cursing the name and family of one Reno N. Vada in every language known to the history of the planet.
The silence as they journeyed was too much for Elena. "So why did Reno go insane?"
Rude raised an eyebrow. "Insane?"
"You know, cutting off the power, attacking fellow Turks..." She clarified.
Rude laughed. "He didn't go insane he just got bored doing paperwork, this happens every couple of months." He started ticking off his fingers. "There's the time he let the mongoose loose in the cafeteria, making s'mores on a bonfire of paperwork he'd gathered into the office, that time he pretended to be the President's doctor and told him to go get an enema..."
"The Choco fights, shaving the Vice President bald, putting a bunch of live snakes in my desk drawer." Tseng finished off bitterly.
"You're never going to let that one go eh?"
Tseng turned around and glowered at Rude. "I spent three weeks in the hospital in a coma, I was legally dead for half an hour!"
"Yeah those were some good times." Came Reno's cocky voice.
The trio whirled around in surprise.
"Nope, not there."
They turned to look to the left. "Reno." Tsengs voice boomed. "Get out here now, this time you've gone too far."
"You're never gonna catch me."
Tseng was getting pretty damn pissed now. "RENO!" He turned around when he felt a tap on his shoulder, it was Elena. "What!"
She held up a voice recorder. "I think he planted these around the stairwell and triggered them to go off when someone walked by..."
"You have to admit he's damn good at what he does." Rude commented as he looked over another one of the recorders.
If they'd had a light shining on him they would have seen the massive vain bulging out of Tseng's forehead, gritting his teeth he mumbled. "Trust me that's the only reason I don't fire him."
Rude took a step forward and immediately jumped back as a spray of paint balls hit where he had been moments before.
"I'm sorry this route is closed, please try again later." Reno's voice came over another recorder, sounding like a public service announcement.
Elena slumped back against the wall. "Great how are we going to get down there now."
"We could scale down the side of the wall and take the stairs from the first floor." Rude suggested.
Elena snorted. "Like hell we're going to scale down sixty five floors of this building just because a coworker is mentally unstable."
Tseng nodded in agreement. "She's right we're all intelligent people, we were trained to be the best we should be able to find another way, just give me five minutes."
It was twenty minutes later and they were scaling down the side of the building.
Rude commented up to Tseng. "I'm surprised the utility closet had a rope long enough to reach the bottom."
"Yeah." Elena agreed. "And I'm surprised Reno hasn't popped up yet to screw us up."
Tseng and Rude both looked down at her, ready to shush her for tempting fate, but fate had unfortunately already taken the bait. Had anyone looked up they would have seen the hand of a certain red haired Turk reaching out with a pair of scissors.
Unfortunately they didn't and without warning were sent into a free fall, Elena screaming for dear life, Rude trying to keep his sunglasses on his head, and Tseng cursing insanely.
Just when the poor Turks thought it all over they fell face first into a massive vat.
Elena climbed out quickly and tried to clean off the whatever it was they'd fallen into from her jacked. "Ewww, what the hell is it."
Rude just stood there, shoulder deep, leaning over he took a sniff. "Last week's left over egg salad from the cafateria."
Tseng climbed out and brushed himself off (somewhat.) "Couldn't be, they toss it to the slums if nobody touches it."
Rude got out and stared at it for a minute. "Huh, so that's what he was doing backing a tanker truck up to the building last Thursday."
"So he's been planning this for a week?" Tseng asked.
Rude stared at Tseng for a minute. "Come to think of it I saw some drawings on his desk a week before that, I dismissed them as those caricatures he does of you when he's bored but...duck."
"What?" The other two Turks asked in unison.
Unfortunately for them Rude was the only one who had found cover as a small explosion sent the egg salad flying all over the place.
Tseng wiped it from his face and glowered at the (relatively) clean Rude. "You could have done more than just saving your own ass."
Rude shrugged. "I told you to duck didn't I?"
Elena and Tseng stared at rude for a moment. Tseng sighed and headed towards the front door. "Come on, there are spare Turk uniforms on every floor."
Elena raised an eyebrow. "Sir."
"Had it done two months after Reno was first recruited." Tseng clarified.
Just before he opened the door Rude stopped him. "I wouldn't do that..."
Tseng stared at the door for a moment. "Does seem a bit obvious doesn't it? Well..." A wry smile crossed Tseng's face. "We could use Reno's own tactic against him."
"..." Rude said, obviously (to himself at least) nervous with the plan.
Tseng quickly brought them to a small air vent in the back of the building. "It'll be a tight fit for you and I." Tseng said, looking over at Rude.
"..." Rude replied.
The three made their way through the vents, stopping twice due to Rude getting wedged into a space far to small for his size.
Elena climbed out into the small room filled with Turk uniforms, followed by Tseng. Rude breathed a sigh of relief as he started to pull himself out, growling in anger when he found his mid section stuck once more. Unfortunately for the stoic Turk this had happened at the worst possible moment, feeling several stinging impacts on his rear. "RENO!" Some say that night, the bald Turks roar of anger reached all of Midgar and continues to this day to echo across the planet.
Elena and Tseng grabbed his collar and pulled with all their Mako enhanced might, which in retrospect to the pair was clearly far more than necessary, as demonstrated by Rude flying across the room, leaving a skull shaped indent in the wall...the wall made of eight inch thick reinforced titanium alloy.
Tseng and Elena look into the vent to find several paintballs flying towards them, with the speed only a Turk could have both moved out of the way, too hit the newly recovered Rude, once again covering his clothes with pink paint, and with one unfortunate shot, his forehead.
The other two Turks immediately forgot about Reno and doubled over in laughter, breaking up further when pink Rude tried his most intimidating glare.
"If you'll stop laughing you'll notice all the uniforms are ruined." Rude stated bluntly.
Both ceased their laughing, a couple of wheezes escaping every now and then as they held in the laughing, one or two chuckled whenever they looked at Rude.
To the trio's dismay Rude was correct, it seemed that Reno had, shortly after the change rooms installment, found out about it. Covering each uniform scrawled in red paint 'RENO RULES'.
"...You know I'm going to kill him."
Tseng and Elena stared at Rude, not one hundred percent sure he was joking.
In a useless attempt to look even slightly professional Tseng smoothed his jacked (covered in egg salad) and strode towards the exit, opening it up he came face to face with someone he didn't expect. "M...Mr. President?" He stammered
"Do you want to explain to me what's going on...and why you're covered in egg salad..." He looked past Tseng at Elena and Rude. "And pink paint?"
Tseng stared at Rufus for well over three minutes, trying to think of a lie that wouldn't get Reno fired...and whether or not he should get Reno fired, and put on Rude's next assignment list. "We came down here to see if we could get the power back on from the control room, and were met with some unfortunate accidents."
Rufus stared at them for a moment blankly, partly assessing the story, and partly holding back any emotion that could possibly lead to a three hour laughing fit. "...Carry on then."
The trio were on their way, and quickly made it down to the sub-basement without incident. Outside the door of the control room they met several guards. "Report." Tseng ordered.
"A terrorist by the name of Rengdlena has barricaded himself in the room and threatens to blow the building if his demands are not met."
Tseng's eyebrow twitched, leave it to Reno to use the most retarded combination of their names as a fake terrorist in an insanely complicated prank inspired by god only knows what.
Pulling his sidearm he shot the lock on the door. "If there were a terrorist in there how would he lock the door from the outside?"
"Super powers?" One of the guard's ventured.
Tseng closed his eyes and began messaging his temples again. "Rude would you?"
Tseng smiled as the next thing he heard was the sound of the guard trying to put himself out after having been hit by a Fire3 spell.
Tseng stepped forward and kicked the door open, when Reno was nowhere in sight he cautiously stepped into the room, careful to avoid several booby traps along the way he made his way to the control panel. "Looks like Reno didn't expect us to get this far, he barely even tried to stop us."
Tseng had unfortunately spoken too soon as several ropes shot out and held him in place, repeated paintball shots fired from the vents.
All they could hear was a chuckling emanating from the vents.
Too bad for the man of red haired mischief maker but Tseng had reached a breaking point.
Roaring in anger he cast a Fire spell, burning through the ropes. Practically foaming from the mouth he leapt up and pulled himself into the vent.
The look of laughter on Reno's face faded as he found himself staring down his menacing looking boss. "It was just a prank I swear!"
Tseng continued to advance on him.
"Tseng think about what you're doing, murder is illegal on this planet and...oh right we have a license to kill don't we..."
Rude and Elena waited outside the vent trying to figure out what was going on in there, moments later Tseng emerged pulling Reno who was desperately gripping the edge of the vent in a vain attempt to save his life.
Tseng tossed Reno to floor and grinned maniacally at him.
"I'll be good." Reno said weakly.
The trio of angry Turks surrounded him.
"If you don't kill me I'll do anything you want."
Tseng looked over at Elena. "The fact that he could do all this and still probably get out of it with his life, that's why I still haven't fired him.
"This is great Tseng, where did you find such a life like pinata?" Rufus exclaimed as he stared at the star event of the company picnic.
A smile crept across his lips. "I just collected on a favor or two owed to me."
Rude and Elena grinned, taking turns flicking peanuts, seeing if they could get them in the breathing holes on the papier-mached Reno.
"Yes!" Elena grinned. "I got one in the nose, fifty points!"
Rude mumbled something about cheating, and then picked up a stick and gave it a (very) good whack, a peanut went flying to the ground and landed at Palmer's feet.
"Nice hit Rude, one or two more of those and we'll have all the candy." He said as he picked it up.
Even if Rude had liked the man he probably still wouldn't have warned him not to eat it. Off to the side Elena shivered as she held in the laughter.
Poor Reno on the other hand was still hanging from a tree covered in paper and glue, he winced as Rude gave it another try. "One day I will reveal myself to the Turks, one day I will have revenge..." Reno muttered as plan after plan ran through his mind with joyous thoughts of vengeance.
A/C: Believe it or not this started as a relatively plausible humor fic and just quickly degenerated into my beloved brand of semi psychotic events, nonsensical plots, and things that can only be explained through calling people witches and/or gods. I had a great time writing it, it reminded me of the Legend of Dragoon fics I used to do (when rules changed I had to take 'em down or fear the consequences, hell they didn't even give me warning two of them are lost forever thanks to that.) But anyway hope you enjoyed I thought it was funny at least...