Summary- Raven does not realize her feelings for Beast Boy until it is too late. One sided RaeBB. Set during Betrayal, Raven's POV.

The Feeling of Lose

I was walking down the hall to my room, book in my hand, when I ran into Beast Boy…literally, or more like he ran into me.


"Sorry!" He was holding an oddly shaped package in one hand, and seemed completely out of it.

"What's that?" I asked, looking at the package, unable to silence my natural curiosity.

"Oh-um…" he was disoriented and he blushed a little before answering, "Nothing."

"What do you mean nothing," I asked monotonously, "It's something."

He blushed some more, "It's a secret."

"Come on, tell me," I said, really wanting to know now.

"Okay, Raven, but you have to swear not to tell."

"I swear."

"Are you sure you can keep a secret?"

Me? Secrets? I am the Queen of Secrets, but all I replied was, "I am not Starfire."

"Yeah, right," he said smiling. He carefully undid the tape at the seam of the badly wrapped whatever-it-was. He showed me, it was a heart shaped box made of a silvery colored material; he opened the lid to reveal the mirror inside.

"I made it," he said proudly.

"You made this?" I replied with my eyebrows raised skeptically.

"Yeah, I'm-," he blushed more than ever, "I'm gonna give it to Terra. I'm gonna ask her out," he finished with a goofy grin plastered on his face.

"Oh," it was all I could say. I was in shock. I knew there was something between those two, but when and where did Beast Boy get the guts to ask a girl out. "How…sweet," was all I could manage to say with the hint of a very forced grin.

"Yeah, I thought so," he replied scratching the back of his head sheepishly. "Well I gotta go," he said rewrapping the gift, "Got some asking out to do."

"Yeah," again it was all I could say as he walked past me towards Terra's room. I could not understand that feeling right then, the feeling that I would almost anything for Beast Boy to be heading towards my room to give me that heart-shaped box and ask me out.

I stood their, stiff as a statue. My legs felt like lead, but every so slowly, I made my way to my room. Best Boy and I were just friends. 'We are just friends!' I yell in my mind, but I knew I am lying to myself. I always had that feeling inside, that I denied, about him. He was always so nice and sweet. He tried to get through to me. And, gosh, he made her a box, a heart-shaped jewelry box for goodness' sake. He was romantic too.

I finally entered my room, leaning against the cold closed door. I banged the back of my head on it a few times, before resting my chin on my chest. When did I become one of those girls that only liked a guy after someone else gets him? When did I become so vain?

The answer: about two minutes ago, when I found out that the boy I secretly, even to myself, had a crush on is asking someone else out. Someone else I am positive is about to say yes.

I wish I could hate Terra at the moment because she is the one with Beast Boy, but I cannot. She does not deserve my hated. Me and her, we just started getting along. We are almost friends. I just cannot hate her. I all do is imagine when they breakup and I get him afterwards, no matter how long that might take or how improbable it is.

It was so unfair. I have known Beast Boy longer. We were closer. We were better friends. All these envious feelings rushed thorough me, leaving room for the pain.

It was like a gun shot, a bullet wound. It was sharp and fast and painful, centered in one spot, but making you hurt all over. It was like an empty chasm in our chest. Not hurtful but terribly hollow until the squirming feelings of jealous and sadness fill it uncomfortably.

My emotions were changing so rapidly from shock to jealously to the pain I was feeling now. What was it…oh, yeah sadness. All I wanted to do was dive in my bed and cry, but I could not. I had to control myself, maybe not for my powers, but for me. I never cry, I have not cried in forever, and I will be damned if I cried now.

I took a deep breath and sat down on my bed. Sudden I was toughened, all thoughts of tears gone. I knew that tomorrow I would go out there and pretend nothing was different, just be my indifferent self even of it was tearing me apart inside. Just as I pretended for so long, I would continue and I would not let anything stop me from being me even if I had to what them from the corner of my eye and try not to cry. Even if I all I wanted to do was to fall into Beast Boy's arms. Even if all I wanted was too pretend this never happened.

I was going to go on. I was going to get over it. I might not have Beast Boy, but I did not need him, in fact I did not like him that much anyway. I hope those two are happy together, Beast Boy deserves it. I was not going to let it get me down. I was Raven, I was not weak, I did not show emotions.

I laid down in my bed to sleep. I was going to be okay. I closed my eyes. I was surprised how well I lied.