Disclaimer: I don't own the Teen Titans, and I never will. You'll see why when you read. Complete and total insanity. . .
A/N: I came up with this story after nearly getting decapitated on vacation this summer. Twice. I won't go into details (unless you want me to tell you), but it made me think. Have you ever wished you could just delete some events from your life?
I'm sure the Titans have. What follows is total insanity. These are scenes I have come up with, that, if they ever actually happened on the show, they would be censored. Either because they are inappropriate, or because they are completely out of character.
This isn't a whole story, just so you know. I will jump from random even to random event randomly. It's all random.
A warning. What follows is insane. There are also HUGE amounts of sexual humor, so be prepared. And if things start to look weird, I advise you to read on. Things usually turn out all right in the end. Or not. One or the other.
And now, without further ado, I, Draco Blade, proudly present:
BEHIND THE SCENES AT TITANS TOWER!
WHAT ROBIN AND STAR DO WHEN THEY'RE ALONE
Robin and Starfire were both lying on the couch. Involved in activities that are hard to describe accurately. I can't really do it justice, so I'll allow you to hear what they are actually saying.
"Go Robin, go!" Star cried, smiling happily. Robin was laying near her...very near her, and moaning happily.
"Go, go, go!" Robin muttered, moaning again. Star giggled as he let out another cry of ecstasy.
"Oh yes, please continue Robin!" Star said, now moving up and down on the couch in happiness. "Harder! HARDER!"
"Yes, harder, harder!" Robin cried, pushing harder and harder. "I'm almost there!"
"Oh, Robin! Faster! Faster!"
"I'm going as fast as I can!" Robin said. "I'm there! It's happening!" He let out a cry of triumph. "Woohoo! Who da man!"
"Yes, Robin you are the victor!" Star cried, jumping up to hug the boy in happiness. Robin dropped the game controller he had been holding to stare at the television screen. His score was 10,000,000, and he had come in first place!
"Take that Cyborg! Who has the high score, now!"
THINGS THAT GO THUMP IN THE NIGHT
Raven couldn't sleep. The dark girl got up, rubbing her eyes. Something was keeping her up. She kept hearing a noise from outside her room. It was in the tower somewhere, keeping her up. Raven jumped from her bed, finding her cloak. She put it on backwards, and pulled up the hood by instinct.
The result was that Raven was now completely blind, and couldn't breathe. Struggling with the darn thing, Raven ended up tripping over the cape itself, and fell onto the ground.
"Crap!" she said, finally pulling the hood down. She took several deep breaths before getting back up. She straightened the cape so it fit correctly, and began towards her door.
Still iritated and annoyed from her lack of sleep, Raven forgot to open her door with her psychic powers. The result being that Raven walked right into the stationary door without it opening.
"Double crap!" she said, backing up. She gently rubbed her bruised nose as she opened the door. She finally exited the room and proceeded to close it when her cloak got caught in the closing door.
"Ack!" she cried as the door pulled her back, choking her. She fell to the ground yet again, and struggled to free her cloak. After finally getting it out of the doorway, Raven stood up and dusted herself off. The dark girl took several deep breaths to calm herself down.
After regaining her composure, Raven heard the sound yet again. It sounded like a huge thumping noise, coming from the common room. Raven took to the air, willing to avoid any more surprises. She glided towards the room in question and saw with a start that the door was open slightly. Musci could be heard coming from the room.
And it wasn't rock 'n roll, either. It sounded like a dance number...or ballet? Was that the Nutcracker? Wondering how she even knew what the Nutcracker was, Raven opened the door. What she saw there was disturbing enough to make Slade crap his pants. In laughter, that is.
Standing in the middle of the common room, with one foot in the air, was Cyborg. The mechanical man was dressed up in a huge, pink tutu and was pausing in the middle of a dance step. His arms were outstretched, as if he were about to catch someone. One foot was in the air behind him.
A minute passed. Then two. Raven stared at Cyborg, and Cyborg just stared right back. Finally, he gathered up the courage to speak.
"Uh...I can explain."
WHY BEAST BOY DOESN'T EAT MEAT
The green boy snickered as he stole the single, last piece of meat in the fridge. In this, the first week of his joining the Teen Titans, he had not been able to get one morsel of beef. The one called Cyborg had devoured all the meat present, and the other three had taken any left.
BeastBoy liked the four of them, and he was slowly getting used to them. But he hated their dietary patterns. As long as they kept this up, he would never have meat. And that meant no protein. And BeastBoy needs his protein!
So, here he was, stealing the last piece of meat at midnight. He pulled the huge hunk of beef out o the fridge and stared at it. He wondered why no one had eaten it? Sure, it was kinda really red. And sure, it was covered in blue fuzz. And sure, the expiration date said 1/1/02 on it. But it was probably still good. Right?
BeastBoy cackled at his own genius. He pulled out the hunk of beef and quickly made a sandwich with some bread and lettuce. He didn't bother to cook he meat, as that would take time. And then another Titan might wake up and steal his meat from him. No one stole BeastBoy's meat!
Finally, the moment of truth! In three huge bites, BB devoured his raw meat sandwich. He licked his fingers in pride, happy with himself. He was just about to leave when his stomach exploded in pain. Grunting, BB fell to his knees, clutching his stomach. It felt like he was gonna blow!
And then it was over. BB blinked and looked up. His stomach felt normal now, and he felt great. BB was about to stand when he saw a figure emerge in front of him. The figure was small and green, like him. Except this figure was covered in warts and had little wings on its back.
It looked a huge frog standing upright, with dragonfly wings. As BB stared at it in winder, he looked around the room. The Tower was gone now, replaced by a landscape that looked very much like Mars. Red dirt was everywhere.
"Hello there, dear chap!" said the strange frog creature, hopping over to the poor boy. "I saw, incredible weather we be havin, what?" As he said this, various sliced of turkey and chicken began to fall from the purple sky, smacking BB in the face. "Ooh, bad luck there."
"What's going on? And who are you?" BB asked.
"You don't know?" asked the winged frog. BB shook hie head. "Oh, you see I'm your guardian angel, Wartworth. And you're in MeatLand, my dear fellow, what!"
"My guardian angel is a frog?" BB asked. Wartworth laughed.
"Of course not!" Wartworth said, laughing again. "Actually, I'm just a figment of your imagination. All of this is. You see BeastBoy, you're dreadfully sick right now. Dreadfully."
"Raven kept telling me that," BB said agreeing.
"Aye, she did," Wartworth said. "But you really should be more careful about what you eat. Unless you want to come back here, that is, what!"
With that, another pound of beef landed on BB's face. "Yes, I promise! I'll never eat another piece of meat again, as long as I live! Just don't ever make me come back here!"
"As you wish!" Wartworth said. With that, the great frog jumped on the poor boy and bit him on the ear.
BB woke up in his bed, screaming. He looked around to see Raven standing over him, staring at him.
"I found you in the kitchen, drooling," she said, her eyebrow raised. "Care to explain why?"
BeastBoy gulped and smiled nervously. "Mind if I don't?"
THE HORRORS OF SPANDEX
"Dude, the girls are out!" BB said, opening the door to Robin's room. "And you know what that means!"
"You bet I do!" Robin said, getting up. He hadn't changed out of his costume, but what did it matter? It's not like spandex would do anything to hurt you right?
"Where are we watching it?" Robin asked.
"Right here in the TV room!" Cyborg said, letting them both enter. He waved a video tape in front of them, smiling. "They don't normally let ya rent these movies, but I made a little forceful argument with my sonic cannon."
"Alright, dude!" BB said, taking a seat on the couch. Cyborg and Robin sat down next to him, all ready to watch the unspeakable atrocities that Cyborg surely rented.
"It's starting!" Cyborg said. All three leaned in as the movie started. If you haven't figured it out by now, it's a porn movie. Just so you know.
BB and Cyborg began to smile hugely as the movie began. Robin did too, but he suddenly realized something was wrong. He was growing excited, but that wasn't the problem. The problem was he was still wearing spandex.
So, while the other two watched the movie, drooling, Robin let out an 'eep'. Gasping in pain, he slowly tried to get up. But that only made things worse. The spandex was so tight, it was restricting movement!
"Dear god, no," Robin gasped as he fought with his belt. To get out of this alive, he would have to remove his spandex pants. He finally got the darn thing off and ran from the room, screaming uncontrollably.
BB and Cyborg looked up with wonder and watching him go. His green pants lay in the middle of the floor, forgotten. And Robin could still be heard, screaming as he ran from the room.
"Dude! Just when it was getting good!" BeastBoy said, confused. "What's with him?"
Cyborg just chuckled. "Told ya he was gay."
"So you hear something?" Cyborg said, looking up from the video game he was playing.
"Yes, actually," Robin said, looking up as well. "I thought it was just me."
"The strange sounds are coming from the hallway," Starfire pointed out. At once, all three friends got up and left the common room, heading for the source of the strange sounds.
"It sounds like a Slurping Boombah monster from my home planet!" Star said, holding the two back. "They can be most powerful! And slurpy!"
"Well, whatever it is," Cyborg said, "It's coming from the closet." He pointed to the metal door that lead to the Titans' storage closet. One of them, anyway.
"Here we go," Robin said, snaking up on the door. Reaching out a hand, he gently grabbed the doorknob, and swung the door open to reveal the culprits.
All three stared with wide eyes as they looked into the closet. BeastBoy and Raven were both in the closet, holding each other in their arms. Their lips were constantly connected, and they were directly in the middle of making out loudly.
Raven was moaning in pleasure as BeastBoy's hands ran up and down her body. The remaining three Titans just stared in mixtures of disgust, guilt, and fear. Without even saying a word, Robin closed the door again, sealing them in once more.
They turned and ran away, not looking back.
WHY CYBORG CALLS THE T-CAR HIS 'BABY'
"Oh yeah girl, be gentle," Cyborg said as he sat in the front seat of his automobile. His arm was open, and a cable ran between him and the T-Car. "Oh yeah, baby! You know what makes Cyborg happy! Yes, you do!"
As Cyborg began to twitch in the least erotic way possible, the T-Car began to beep louder and louder, faster and faster.
"Oh yeah, baby! That's the stuff!"
A/N: Well, I think I've dirtied your mind enough for one night. I'll probably continue this if you guys want me to. I've got tons of insane, inappropriate ideas in mind for this story!
Review or I'll include you in the story! Good threat or what?