Disclaimer: I proclaim that I, Draco Blade, own not the Teen Titans!
A/N: Who's in the mood for more perverted humor? Huh, no one? Really? Well, bullocks to you people. I'm gonna write more anyway!
A very special thanks to my friend Kat, who came up with the ideas behind DIRTY LAUNDRY and RAVEN'S READING MATERIAL. What would I do without ya?
BEHIND THE SCENES IN TITANS TOWER
WATCHING . . . ALWAYS WATCHING . . .
Raven looked back towards her wall again. For the past few weeks, she couldn't help but feel as if someone was watching her. Every time she bent down or looked around, she could feel eyes on her. It was getting really creepy.
She had searched the room but never found anything but the usual security camera Robin had installed when the Tower was first built. And she had gotten used to those ages ago; it wasn't like anyone besides Robin ever watched them, after all. And that was only during emergencies.
"Sweet," Beast Boy grinned as he leaned back in his swivel chair in the Titans Surveillance Room. All five screens had been rewired to focus on Raven's room especially. He clicked a button on the remote and watched as the security cameras followed Raven around her room. They were silent and every motion was nearly invisible to the human eye. Raven was none the wiser.
Several other screens showed recordings of Beast Boy's (ahem) favorite moments of Raven caught on tape. He delighted himself in watching this ones over and over again. He could have stayed there for days.
Until, that is, Robin came in.
"Beast Boy, what are you doing here?" Robin asked, entering the Surveillance Room. "This room is off-limits, and just what . . . uh . . . what are you doing?"
"Spying on Raven," Beast Boy said, undaunted, spinning around in his swivel chair to look at Robin.
"Um . . . why are you spying on Raven?"
"Well, you're always telling me that I should get to know her a little better so that we can actually learn to like each other," Beast Boy explained. He had this memorized. "So, I decided the best way to get to know Raven is to watch her when she doesn't know I'm around."
"Is that really ethical, Beast Boy?" Robin asked.
Beast Boy shrugged. "Who knows. But I've learned loads! You can learn a lot about Raven watching her sleep . . . and undress . . . and shower. And that's just for starters!"
"Uh huh," Robin said, his eyebrow raised. He was gonna kill Beast Boy for this. But first he had to ask the one question he was dying to know the answer to.
"So, uh, Beast Boy . . . if that's all you've been up to . . . where are your pants?"
Beast Boy sighed and leaned back in his chair. "A better question would be 'where are my boxers?'"
Starfire floated down the hallway, working her jaw muscles as hard as she could. She swished and chewed and flipped the object in her mouth back and forth, working at it as best she could. A small bit of saliva dripped out of her mouth as she did so.
(She's chewing gum, get your minds out of the gutter, people)
Starfire reached the common room and entered it, immediately flying over to the kitchen cabinets. The other Titans all looked up as they watched the alien girl fly from shelf to shelf, opening every drawer or door or pantry, throwing things about.
"Starfire?" Robin asked. "What are you looking for?"
"I am searching for more gum!" Starfire answered her friend. "I saw on the television that Earth has a book of records. It said that no one has ever had more than three pounds of gum in their mouth before. I intend to break theat record! But for that, I need more gum!"
"How much do you have already?" asked Cyborg, looking over at her.
"I fear it is only around two pounds," Starfire informed them. "Please, I need more of it!"
"Two pounds?" Raven asked. "I wasn't even aware we had that much gum in the Tower. Wherever did you find all of that?"
Starfire giggled a little and shuffled her feet. "Truthfully, I am not sure all of what I have in my mouth at this time is indeed chewing gum."
All of the Titans blinked. "Um . . . what?"
"I could not find enough pre-chewed gum," Starfire explained, "and I remembered many shows on the television showing loose pieces of already chewed gum on the bottom of various desks and tables. I searched around and could not find any; out Tower is most clean. But then I found a source of much chewing gum!"
"Um . . . where was that?" Robin asked, growing worried.
"Under a certain bed," Starfire answered him. "The bed had many chewable substances underneath of it. Truthfully, about half of what is in my mouth I found from underneath that bed."
"Um . . . Starfire?" Beast Boy asked. "Exactly whose bed was that?"
"Yours," said Starfire.
There was a pause, a silence. For a moment, none of the Titans spoke. And then Beast Boy broke the silence.
"Oh, Sweet Jesus . . . no . . . "
It was the day of Cyborg and Bumblebee's wedding. They had invited all of their old Titan friends to come along and be with them on this special day. Beast Boy and Robin were, of course, the best men and they watched and waited as Cyborg began to read his wedding vows to his beloved Bumblebee.
The entire church was silent as they listened for Cyborg to clear his throat and start his beautiful vows. He lifted up the cards he had them written on and began to read.
"I, Cyborg, pledge my undying love to you, Bumblebee, as I invite you to share my life," started Cyborg. "To this end, I call upon all present to witness that I take you as my wife. To have and to hold from this day forward. For better or for worse. For richer or for poorer."
"In sickness and in health for as long as we both shall live," he said. And then added, reading the last note: "Unless you get paralyzed from the waist down. Then I'm gone like the wind, baby."
As the rest of the congregation began to gasp in shock and awe, and Bumblebee fainted on the stand, Beast Boy began to giggle like a freak.
"That was totally worth getting dressed up for," he said to Robin, who was also holding in a laugh. "And I told you I could write wedding vows."
Robin was on his way to do one of his favorite things in the entire world: laundry. Robin liked laundry a lot. He liked cleaning and he liked being clean.Sometimes when he was fighting crime, he was even thinking about doing laundry. Cleaning up crime, he would think, and chuckle to himself.
Yeah, it was pretty sad.
Robin entered the laundry room and opened the nearest washer/dryer. It was empty. He was just about to put his own dirty clothes in when he saw something amongst the machine. A forgotten piece of clothing!
Naturally, Robin had to do the right thing and rescue the poor, defenseless piece of cloth and fabric. So, he reached in, grabbed it, and pulled it out. And his eyes widened immediately.
Panties. Girl Panties. But not just any girl panties. What he was holding in his hand was a tight, pink thong.
Robin blushed. It was Starfire's. It had to be, no one else in the Tower wore pink panties.
What do I do? Robin thought. What do I do? What do I do? What do I do?
And then a lone voice broke in: Sniff it
Robin paused for a moment, his brain in internal conflict with itself.
Sniff it? What are you, crazy?
No, I'm perfectly sane. Go ahead. You know you want to.
That's kinda gross . . .
Oh, come on. It's not like she's ever gonna find out!
Still . . .
You love her, right? You've been waiting for an opportunity like this forever!
Robin nodded. He couldn't help himself. It was just what any teenage guy would do, right? Slowly, carefully, hesitantly, he bent down to towards the clothing in his hands and took agreat, big whiff.
He then leaned back and grinned to himself, taking a breath of fresh hair. That smelt kinda good, he thought. Maybe just one more. . .
"Ahem," came a voice behind him.
Robin turned around quickly to find a very annoyed, very peeved Raven looking at him. Her eyebrow was raised and her both of her cheeks were now as red as Robin's.
"If you're done defiling that thong," Raven said sourly, "I'd like to have it back!"
RAVEN'S READING MATERIAL
Beast Boy was annoyed. He was watching his teammate and friend Raven reading another one of her books. Again! She was always reading a book and always ignoring him. He was getting sick of it. What was so interesting to read that a girl would ignore him?
"Dude," he said, turning to Cyborg who was playing video games next to him. "Don't you ever wonder what she reads about?"
"Not really," Cyborg said. He looked over at Raven, who was calmly sitting on a chair across the room and reading her book, smiling to herself. "Long as she's happy man, I really couldn't care less. It's probably just some ancient rune stuff anyway. Doubt we would understand it."
"I guess," Beast Boy said. He frowned and looked over at Raven again. Her smile was growing and he swore she was turning red. Raven was actually blushing! "That's it!" he said to Cyborg. "I'm gonna find what out just what is so darn interesting that she can ignore me like this!"
"Dude, don't do it!" Cyborg warned. But it was too late.
"Hey, Rae," BB said, walking over to the girl.
Raven sighed and looked at him, irritated that he had interrupted her reading yet again. "Yes? What do you want, Beast Boy? Can't you see I'm busy?"
"Oh, I know," BB said, trying to keep a straight face. "But it's just that . . . well, I went into your room and I might have messed with your mirror. Happy told me to say hello."
Raven jumped up immediately. "You let them out? You let them out? Oh my God!" Raven then proceeded to drop her book and run out of the room.
Beast Boy grinned. "Piece of cake!" He then reached over and picked up Raven's forgotten book. He then watched as a magazine fell out of the ancient book. Confused, Beast Boy realized she was hiding the magazine! Raven hadn't been reading a book of runes at all; she had been reading the magazine!
"What the?" Beast Boy then bent down and picked up the magazine, opening it. And his face grew red and his eyes widened as he did. "Oh my God! Dude, Cyborg, dude, you have to see this!"
"What is it?" Cyborg said, pausing his game and looking up.
"It's what Rae's been reading all this time!" Beast Boy exclaimed. "It's . . . it's porn! Rae's been looking at porn magazines this whole time!"
Cyborg just shrugged. "She's a growing girl, Beast Boy. Get over it. Rae was just curious. You look at porn all the time. Can you really blame her?"
"Normally, no," Beast Boy said, grinning. "Except that Rae's magazine has pictures of girls."
THE NEW TITAN
"Titans! I need your attention, please," said Robin, walking into the common room. All of the other Titans were present and they all looked up as their leader entered the room.
"It is my pleasure to inform you," started Robin. "That, starting today, we have a new member on the team. I've found a new recruit for the Teen Titans!"
What Robin expected to hear was applause. It's not what he got. Instead, he got four angry faces and a roomful of groans.
"You've got to be kidding me," Raven said. "We've been trying to recruit someone for months now! But every time we find someone, you claim that there is something wrong with them."
"Or that they are either connected to Slade or are Slade," Cyborg pointed out. "Remember Metal Girl?"
"That was Slade," Robin said, standing firmly. "How could you not tell? It was merely one of Slade's crafty disguises."
"How about my friend, the Jar-Token?" asked Starfire. "He was most formidable and would have made a very good addition to our family."
"He was Slade, too," Robin said with a straight face. "Just another disguise. He only wanted to get in so that he can steal our secrets and destroy us! I can't help it if you four keep picking out Slade and thinking he's a teen hero."
"What about Terra?" Beast Boy asked. "She's back to normal and you still wouldn't let her join."
"She was connected to Slade," Robin said. "It was written all over her face."
All of the Titans groaned. Robin was letting this Slade Obsession go too far.
"But don't be afraid, Titans!" Robin said. "For I have found a new recruit, a better recruit. A recruit that isn't Slade! May I introduce . . . Sladerina!"
The common doors opened and into the room stepped an incredibly tall 'girl.' The girl stood about six and a half feet tall and had very silly looking blond hair. She was dressed in a pink tutu that showed her incredibly hairy legs. She had combat boots beneath that and a bo staff strapped to her back. A black mask covered her face, hiding one of her eyes.
"I found Alice here helping to stop a bank robbery!" Robin pointed out obliviously. "She has some incredible moves. Don't you, Sladerina?"
"Oh, it was nothing," said Sladerina in a very deep, very cold voice. She then proceeded to giggle like crazy.
The rest of the Titans blinked.
"Say, Robin," said Sladerina. "Now that I'm a Titan, can I see your top secret plans and combat techniques? Pretty please?"
"Sure thing!" Robin said. "Follow me."
Robin then turned around and began to exit the common room. Sladerina followed right behind, but on the way out, she hit her head against the top of the doorway and the rest of the Titans watched as her blond hair fell right off. It was a wig. Sladerina turned around in a hurry, staring at all of them.
The Titans all raised their eyebrows as the so-called girl bent down and picked up her blonde wig.
"Ah . . . hehe . . . funny hair," said Sladerina in her cold, dark, masculine voice. "Happens all the time!" She then proceeded to run out through the doorway, following after Robin.
As the door hissed shut, all of the Titans turned to look at each other. As one, they all groaned.
"You wanna tell Robin?" Beast Boy said to Raven. She shook her head.
"It's your turn."
A/N: Well, that's all folks! Thanks again to Kat for the inspiration! Join me next time for another perverted, strange, out-of-this-world installment of "Behind the Scenes in Titans Tower!" Until then, please review!