Joss is god. I do not in anyway gain from this piece of writing, other than relieving myself of stress. I'm just playing with the pretties.
The thing is that in this corporate world there is no room to err.
Love can leave you cold, love can leave you broken and there is no room for mistakes in our corporate world, love should be all about mistakes and answers.
In our corporate world there is danger, danger in being uncertain and danger in being definite, both of these things can make you a victim.
Just like being threatening or timid, but without being masculine you hold no advantage, you have to be dominant and people must fear you or you hold no control over them.
To the flipside of this coin there are times when you must blend in, times in which you must stand down.
To live in our corporate world you must know humility and pride, you must also learn when to exercise both of these virtues.
You have to make the things that you imagine real. You HAVE to otherwise there is no room left for imagining and your dreams are wasted.
I have to own myself and my actions Wes do you understand me now? You were something that I thought had left me. You represented the things that I had dreamed and discarded and when I found you, I grew greedy. Why shouldn't I have all my dreams come true? I almost forgot lover that we live in a corporate world.
Reality had a good long laugh and slapped me around the face. It started easy and then things slowly began to change, to get harder, so slowly that I hardly noticed but you seemed to observe it.
You trusted me and I wasn't sure you weren't trying to hurt me.
I was certain you were trying to hurt me, it was not secret we like to hurt each other because that's what we do the best, hurt the people around us.
You must have noticed that.
But you trusted me and I felt threatened so I betrayed you just to make sure that you would betray me. If I am feeling generous I would say that I had hoped that you wouldn't but I let go of such things, hope is a lie that we dream for ourselves.
You did it, betrayed me. Proving to me that they were always more important to you and then things became easier again.
I have a victim complex, I cannot become one.
I just can't
"You are talking to the other one in your mind again"
Wesley blinks and looks into the startlingly blue eyes in front of his, he contemplates lying but reviews the idea, lying to the God King would be pointless.
"Yes, I was"
"You think of her often, but not as often as Fred."
"I was just wondering Illyria, contemplating why things happened"
Illyria stated as she slowly walked towards Wesley
"Is very human of you"
Gently she cups the side of his face taking a dominant stance over him, she reaches down to cup the front of his pants in a gesture very similar… it reminds him of… of her.
Illyria continues on, Wesley makes no move to stop or rebuke her and she knows he enjoys it, she does it just the way he taught her.
I retaliated the only way I knew how when you reaffirmed your love for Fred, You were supposed to be mine, wasn't that part of the deal? We got to abuse one another as long as at the end of the day we could walk away with some degree of control.
I mocked your love, the object of it and myself all in the same action. I became a parody of her and you told me that you preferred that. You told me to keep the fucking glasses on but it was, after all, just a game.
That is when I began to question myself.
Why couldn't I just leave you alone?
Why couldn't I just throw the glasses in your face?
Had a full grown woman become a whore for your desires?
Yet again I am reminded of the corporate world that we live in, and I feel a little hypocritical, oh wait that's right I'm not supposed to feel anything, well open your eyes lover because the day is ending and your life is passing you by.
You couldn't help me survive you were killing my will to live here, my will just to live.
I did that which I must do to survive or go down with tooth and nail fighting.
Fight even when I knew I was going to lose, I knew.
The senior partners seemed to have disappeared and I was left powerless, the very things that I relied on… gone, defunct or so it had seemed
Do you know what the thing that really got me was?
You wanted to save me from me and secretly I was rooting for you.
Looks like it didn't turn out as I had desired, that's just the way our corporate world spins on its tarnished axis.
It's been good lover almost as much as it has been bad.
Wesley watches Illyria as she snakes her way around him, uncertain of if it had been his own lips speaking for the words for Lilah or his thoughts solidifying in the air.
Perhaps it had just been another of the strands that tied him to the good fight snapping.