China all the way to new york Sometimes I think you want me to touch you
I can feel the distance getting close
You're right next to me
But I need an airplane
I can feel the distance as you breathe
How can I when you build a great wall around you
In your eyes I saw a future together
You just look away in the distance
Sometimes I think you want me to touch you
It's three a.m. Breathe in. Breathe out. Remus can hear Sirius sleeping beside him as he lays awake. He is always awake it seems. Even when he dreams it's exhausting. He dreams long dreams about wandering down hallways and around veils, looking for something. He's always looking for something.
He turns on his side and watches Sirius sleep. Sirius is beautiful when he sleeps, perhaps even more than in waking. He lets go of everything when he sleeps, Remus realizes, and it transforms his features. He's finally calm.
Remus strokes his arm tentatively. Sirius lets him touch him at night when he isn't awake to say otherwise. Not that Remus knows he would say otherwise. He has never tried to touch Sirius in waking, but the way Sirius starts a little every time Remus brushes past him is enough to tell him what he needs to know.
Remus gazes upon the sleeping man beside him and wonders how they grew so far apart. Sure, twelve years apart will do that, but even then… there is something else – a wall – there now between them like the Great Wall of China. Remus doesn't even know where to begin to break down the walls. He doesn't know if their relationship can withstand to have the walls come down.
Sometimes Remus thinks Sirius wants him to touch him. Sometimes he gets this scared, desperate look in his eyes but is gone as soon as it comes and Remus wonders if it was even there to begin with. When he reaches across the table at dinner to take the salt Sirius is passing him, their fingers brush and he's sure he doesn't imagine the flicker in his eyes. But no, they pour the wine and discuss other things and Remus soon forgets about that flicker of fire in dead eyes.
Sirius sleeps beside him, but they do not sleep together. They sleep in the same bed out of logistics – Remus' small cottage only has one double bed and an uncomfortable couch. It only made sense that they would sleep together. Still sometimes Remus thinks Sirius sleeps closer to him than necessary and sometimes he will purposely roll over towards Sirius and close his eyes as their legs brush together, a rare pleasure.
Remus continues stroking Sirius' arm and moves to run his fingers over Sirius' collarbone, his long neck, his stubbled jaw. So beautiful, Sirius – Even when he has been ravaged by time and loneliness.
Sirius makes a small noise somewhere in between a sigh and a moan and Remus pulls back his hand, embarrassed that Sirius might be awake. A moment later one eye cracks open and regards Remus solemnly.
"You –" His voice cracks and he clears his throat. "You didn't have to…stop."
"Okay," Remus says and then reaches his hand out hesitantly to run his fingers over Sirius' arm again until Sirius closes his eye. Only then does he dare to run his hand higher, to touch his collarbone and jaw. When he's stroking his cheek, Sirius turns his head and presses his lips to Remus' hand. Remus pauses until Sirius turns his head once more. Breatheinbreatheout. When he has turned his head, Remus runs his fingers gently through Sirius' long tangled hair, watching Sirius' expression sneaking into a smile.
He wants to jump up and down on the bed like they did at Hogwarts because not only did Sirius let him touch him but he kissed his hand. He wants to straddle Sirius and take his breath away but no. That is for later. This is enough for now.