Handyman Keitaro PG-13
Niklas "Hawk" Jonsson

Summary: What if Keitaro was kicked out of his parents place earlier, back when the Hinata Sou was still an inn and Grandma Hina still ran the place?

Disclaimer: Love Hina, Hinata Sou and whatnot are not mine, though I certainly wish they were. The story is mine though, all mine. This story deals with some very unpleasant things. If this disturbs you, don't read.
If the layout looks screwy or symbols seems to be missing, you're probably reading the quickedit-mangled version of this fic on ff dot net, if it grates on your nerves too much, read it on hawksgalaxy dot com or something.

Feedback/Flames: Yes, please. Both of them are equally fun to read, although I must admit that I greatly prefer the first variety. :)
I can be found on ICQ as 21771860, MSN Messenger/E-mail as iamhawk at yahoo dot com, though not very frequently as real life lately interferes with my online existance more then I'd like. More stories are available at my nifty lil' site at hawksgalaxy dot com or by clicking on my handle up above.

emphasis/shouts/Kindred Domination/post-hypnotic triggers
+soundeffect/radio/telephone conversation/TV+

Previously, on 'Handyman Keitaro'

Motoko signed the contract and a Molmoleese non-disclosure agreement they had been forced to include after Kaolla's arrival, thought the young princess never made an issue of her status and was never treated as anything else then a normal little girl, albeit one that would occasionally invent something incredibly dangerous. Keitaro gave Motoko a tour around the place and showed her the free rooms, one of which she claimed as her own the moment she was shown it. Keitaro nodded at her choice. It was a good one, slightly larger then most of the others. It was even bigger then Grandma Hina's room and divided into two sections.

Motoko did avoid him most of the time, but she soon came to accept his presence. Her attitude and condescending mannerisms grated on his nerves somewhat, but he was grateful that at least she respected the sign when he hung it up, even if nobody else did. Kaolla also took a quick liking to the older girl, which was a great relief for Keitaro and Kitsune, who had previously shared the responsibility and pain of sleeping with her. A few weeks after Motoko's arrival, Kaolla spent at least four or five nights a week sleeping with Motoko, dividing the rest of the time between Keitaro and Kitsune.

The next tenant was somewhat of a surprise, though not entirely unexpected as Kitsune had kept him updated on her friends situation at home and revealed that Narusegawa Naru had wanted to get away from her home. What was surprising about it, was that Naru had decided to come to Hinata Sou instead of seeking accommodations elsewhere. After all, she had been sceptical of Keitaro's presence at the Hinata Sou ever since Kitsune moved in and her views on that particular matter hadn't changed one bit.

But with her arrival, the calm before the storm which they had all enjoyed so far, finally dissipated entirely, as if some Deity of Chaos had just awaited the arrival of the final piece of the puzzle, before its full attention could be devoted to the Hinata Sou...

Roll credits

Chapter Two:

"Ah, Keitaro-san. Welcome!" the ever cheerful voice of the youngest Maehara greeted Keitaro as he entered her parent's place of business.

"Hello, Shinobu-chan." Keitaro said, offering a kind smile to the young girl, which for some odd reason caused her gaze to dip down and her cheeks to flush. Kitsune, Haitani and Shirai were insisting that the girl had a crush on him, but Keitaro found it highly improbable. Besides, she was way too young for him, so even if it were true there was hardly anything he could do about it.

"Is Hina-san on another trip?" the young girl asked, as the residents of Hinata Sou hardly ever ordered out when the old woman was around.

"Yeah." Keitaro sighed, rubbing the back of his head. Business had taken off at Haruka's tea house lately and thus, he was more or less on his own whenever Grandma Hina decided to take a couple of days off, which happened more and more frequently. That had led to him ordering out more and more, which was how he'd formed a tentative friendship with young Shinobu. "She went to Hokkaido, some resort there apparently has water that's supposed to be good for both skin and fertility." he continued.

The woman was a hardcore bathing freak, quite happily gallivanting off to seek out whatever miraculous cure-it-all she'd most recently heard of. She was even a member of the board of directors for The Hot Spring Association, some mysterious interest group devoted to creating a complete catalogue of all the worlds various hot springs, cold springs, mountain streams, oasis', lakes, underground rivers, geysers and whatever that supposedly contained water with some miraculous property.

"Fe-f-f-f-fertility!" Shinobu squeaked and Keitaro nodded gravely. He had gotten a few disturbing mental images himself after hearing that in connection with Grandma Hina, so he THOUGHT that he understood Shinobu's shock. Though he didn't really, as the mental images she got, were quite different from his own. Whereas he did his best to try and avoid thinking about fertility and Granny Hina in combination, Shinobu had hazy images of herself and Keitaro kissing passing through her mind, as that was the extent of what she knew about human reproduction at this time in her life. A man and woman kissed, they got married and soon after that, babies somehow entered the picture. She knew that fertility came into play somewhere, but wasn't quite sure how. Perhaps it was a measure of how well one kissed or something?

"Ah, Urashima-kun. I have your order right here." Shinobu's father announced as he strode into the reception, hefting two plastic bags emitting the most delightful of smells. The food here was as always, as close to perfection as humanly possible. The man was a master chef, his wife only slightly behind in talent.

"Thank you, Maehara-san." Keitaro said as he accepted the delivery, handing over a wad of cash in return. He received a simple nod in response before the man returned to the kitchen. Keitaro hung around for another minute chatting with Shinobu, before he hurried back to the Hinata Sou.

"Good evening, everybody." Keitaro greeted the tenants and aunt Haruka as he entered the kitchen, which was the site for the impromptu house council he'd called earlier. "Sorry I'm late, but I had to arrange a few last-minute details regarding the very matter I called you here to talk about." he explained as he took his seat at the end of the table, one usually reserved for Grandma Hina, but which he used during the times he functioned as her replacement.

Such was the case now, as Grandma Hina had went to Australia to try some pond in the outback which was supposed to be very good for the bones, hers had been troubling her for the last couple of years so she was more eager then usual to sample this one. Though this trip was longer then any other she had undertaken since he first came to live at the Hinata Sou, she was supposed to be gone for two entire weeks this time.

"With Golden Week coming up, a lot of dorms are taking this opportunity to make some badly needed restorations. Most of their tenants are going home for the week, but some are not. As the Hinata Sou has little need for any such work to be done, I've agreed to house some of those tenants who won't be going home, but can't stay at their dorms because of the renovations." Keitaro explained and took a deep breath. "So we will be housing three other girls during next week. But what I wanted to ask you girls is this. Would you consider letting a guy in as well?" he asked and hastily continued as he saw signs of extremely annoyed expressions starting to form on the girls faces. "I've done some background checks on him and he seems to be a guys studying at a respectable school. No complaints from his current or former landlord. I asked the Molmoleese embassy for help and they did some research of their own. No criminal records and the embassy offered to supply us with female guards for his stay, if you felt a need for them." he finished, before gesturing to show that he was awaiting their thoughts on the matter.

"If he's cute, I don't mind. It just means that there's more eye-candy for me." Kitsune commented with a sultry smile. "No need for you to get jealous however, you're still my favourite dish, Keitaro." she added with a wink.

"Mitsune-sempai!" Motoko protested, blushing furiously, as she always did whenever Kitsune made a sexually laden comment in her presence. Which, Keitaro suspected, was half the reason Kitsune made them in the first place, as she seemed to thrive on teasing the shit out of her fellow tenants... And her friends... And her relatives... And complete strangers... "I feel we have quite enough males around the place as it is!" Motoko added, 'More then we need, in fact!' was unvoiced, but somehow understood anyway.

"I don't mind. All the more playmates for me!" Kaolla exclaimed cheerfully.

"With mom gone, you're the manager. I don't care one way or the other." Haruka commented. "I don't even live here, so I don't know why you called me over in the first place." she added, puffing on her cigarette.

"Well, if it's just for one week..." Naru said, wavering in her decision. "Well, I don't mind. But at the first sign of perverted behaviour, I'm tossing him out here!" she finally stated.

"There won't be a need for that. Because if he can't behave during his stay, I'll throw him headfirst down the stairs myself." Keitaro firmly replied. "I'd really appreciate it if you guys would respect the sign while he's here, though, so he doesn't get the wrong idea about this place." he added, with a pointed look at Kitsune and Kaolla.

"Aw, you party-pooper!" Kitsune complained.

"But... But... I like bathing with Keitaro!" Kaolla protested. "It's not fair."

"Please, Kaolla. It's just one week." Keitaro pleaded and Su caved in, not wanting to disappoint him.

"Oh, all right. But you owe me bananas! Lots and lots and lots of bananas!" she insisted with a disappointed pout.

"Why are you so gung-ho about all this, Keitaro-san?" Naru inquired suspiciously. "Hoping to finally get in some peeping, with a distraction around the place to keep us busy?"

"It's good money, as he's from a quite expensive dorm that will be paying us the same amount they would charge themselves for a week." Keitaro admitted, choosing to ignore the blatant insult to himself. "With Hina gone so much lately and us ordering take-out so often, we spend a lot more money on food then we otherwise do, so the coffers could use some extra padding as that would allow us to keep the rates at their current level." he explained, which settled the issue, though Naru and Motoko still didn't look all that pleased about it.

"Everybody, these are our new guests." Keitaro replied and indicated the four individuals he led into the living room, where the others were seated and awaiting introductions. He'd headed down to the train station to pick all of them up, as all four of them had arrived on trains just minutes apart. "This is Foster Tina, she's a Creative Arts student. She's an American, but has grown up in Japan and spent more time here then she has in America." he started and gestured at a tall blonde gaijin, who nodded and bowed to the long-time residents. "Otohime Mutsumi, she's from Okinawa and is only staying in town for a few weeks, before she'll go back to her home. She's a Todai aspirant as well as a two time Ronin, just like me." he continued and a smiling brunette bowed in response. "Hitose Kaede, she's a Sociology student from Nekotomi." he continued and the last girl, a black-haired slender beauty dressed in a conservative business suit bowed to the room.

Keitaro took a deep breath and the last person moved out from behind the three girls, causing Keitaro to swallow nervously as the temperature in the room felt as it dropped a couple of degrees.

"And this is Kuonji Ukyo. He's still in junior high where he's preparing for a later education in business, so he can start up his own Okonomiyaki restaurant." Keitaro finished and the last person bowed to the collected females in the room, raising a few eyebrows as he carried a huge spatula strapped to his back. Keitaro held his peace for a few seconds and as no violence had broken out, he decided to move along.

"This is Urashima Haruka, she runs the Hinata Tea-Shop just down the stairs from here. She's also my aunt and helps out around this place from time to time." Keitaro replied and indicated his aunt Haruka. "Konno Mitsune, she's a free-lance writer, photographer and resident party animal." he continued and Kitsune rose from her seat, offering a faint bow.

"Please, call me Kitsune. Everybody does." she cheerfully announced, just barely managing to restrain herself from licking her lips at the sight of Ukyo. He was a real cutie!

"Aoyama Motoko, the heir to the Shinmei Ryu of Kyoto although she goes to school here." Keitaro continued and wondered about the odd expression on Motoko's face. He'd expected her to be somewhat confrontational and hostile, but instead she was looking at Ukyo with what seemed more like a curious expression. "Su Kaolla, the reason why you had to sign all those non-disclosure and secrecy agreements. She's the youngest princess of Molmol, here in Japan to complete her education." he continued and Kaolla bounced up from her seat and leapt onto his shoulders, greeting the new guests with a cheerful 'Hiyas!', completely destroying their idea of what the princess they'd heard about would be like.

"Narusegawa Naru, one of the top students in the country. She'll be going to Tokyo University after she's aced the exams." he added with a small smile directed at Naru. "The actual landlord is Urashima Hina, my grandmother, but she's abroad like I've told you guys before. So if you have any problems during your stay, come to me or Haruka with them." Keitaro finished and turned to face the new temporary residents. "Any questions?" he inquired and was met by four shaking heads. "All right then, come along and I'll show you to your rooms." he offered and the four of them grabbed their bags, offered one last collective bow to the other residents and then scurried after Keitaro, who was still carrying Kaolla on his shoulders.

"Hello, Otohime-san. Foster-san." Keitaro greeted the two girls in question, as he met them at the stairs leading up to the Hinata Sou.

"Hello. And it's Tina. Tina!" Foster Tina, the energetic foreigner insisted, which caused Keitaro to blush faintly. While he understood that the customs in America were vastly different from how they were here and that it wasn't a big deal for her to be called by her first name, it was for him! Especially as they'd only known each other for half a day. The temporary tenants had arrived on Sunday afternoon and settled in, then he'd met them again at breakfast, then he hadn't seen any of them again until now when he met two of the girls.

He had invited Ukyo to take a bath with him at the barrel while the girls used the onsen to get aquainted, but the younger boy had declined, pleading tiredness.

"Hello, Urashima-kun." Mutsumi cheerfully greeted him. "How has your day been?" she asked.

"It was great! It's been a while since I had some actual free time." Keitaro enthused. What with his studies and work at the Hinata Sou, he didn't get much spare time and what little he did get, he usually just took advantage of to get some well-needed rest. Being able to spend most of the day on nothing but himself was a very welcome luxury. "How have you two been enjoying your time off?" he inquired.

"Oh, I had lots of fun!" Tina exclaimed, raising her fist towards the skies. "Found some very nice Sake and someone willing to sell it to me!" she revealed and raised a bag, the contents of which would probably make her Kitsune's new best friend.

"Oh, it was very enjoyable." Mutsumi agreed. "I found several photo booths I hadn't come across before and got some new pictures for my collection. I also discovered a marvellous little beef bowl joint and accidentally caused three traffic accidents!"

"Three traf... Ah, how... Nice." Keitaro managed to get out, eyeing the ditzy girl a little suspiciously, before what she had said before that made its way to his conscious mind. "Photo booths? You're a collector, Otohime-san?" he asked, intrigued that he might have come across somebody else with the same hobby.

"Yes!" she cheerfully replied. "I found an ultra-rare one with a light purple Tokyo Tower border!"

"From the machine at the coffee shop? Yeah, I nearly had a stroke when I found that one!" Keitaro enthused and the two of them instantly leapt into a conversation about their respective collections and all the rare finds they'd manage to collect over the years, while Tina made a decent impression of somebody in the audience of a tennis match, as she looked from one to the other and then back, over and over again.

"Brrr! Otaku warning..." Tina finally whispered with a fierce shudder and slowly backed away from the two fanatics, so engrossed in their conversation that they didn't even notice that she slowly extracted herself from it and headed up the long stairs leading to the Hinata Sou. "Like two peas in a pod..." she muttered to herself and shook her head.

They had seemed to be such good people too!

Otohime was a native Okinawa:n who was spending a couple of weeks in Tokyo being tutored in algebra and participating in some medical experiment during Golden Week. Apparently the poor thing suffered from a weak physical condition and earned some extra money for her studies and medical bills by participating in this experiment.

She hadn't met the girl before coming to the Hinata Sou, but she'd taken a liking to her during last evening's bath when the newcomers had acquainted themselves with the long-time residents. The two of them had bumped into each other while out sight-seeing in Hinata and walked together back to the Hinata Sou.

Mutsumi was a very friendly, fun-loving and likable girl, no doubt about that. Though Tina had to admit that she'd never seen somebody quite so accident-prone as Mutsumi. The poor dear had caused a twelve-car pile-up on the way back, when she became faint and staggered into an intersection before she collapsed. Amazingly, nobody had been seriously hurt and just over a minute after she fainted, Mutsumi was conscious, up and about again, showing no signs of her fainting spell.

And now she'd apparently found her soul mate or something, judging by how intent the two of them were on their freakish conversation.

Tina shuddered again and thanked both higher and lower powers that neither she or Kaoru were quite as obsessed over anything. Though she had been considering going on a world-spanning photography journey, it would be both for the photo opportunities and the chance to do some soul searching. So while she too had a certain interest in photography, it certainly wasn't this all-consuming interest that those two nutters she just left behind shared with each other.

Kaoru wasn't like that either. In fact, she wasn't even sure that he had an interest in photography or if he just stuck around the club because she'd just drag him right back in if he tried to defect.

She sighed as the Hinata Sou came into view and she slowly cleared the last couple of steps. Kaoru was such a stick in the mud! She'd asked him if he'd be willing to put her up for a week, but instead that sneak had made some calls and arranged for her to stay here, at no extra cost. It was a bit disappointing, but also somewhat of a relief. While staying together with him would have offered plenty of opportunities to catch his interest and mayhap land herself a cute boyfriend, the prospect of that also intimidated her a fair bit.

Perhaps it was for the best that she'd gotten to stay here at the Hinata Sou, after all.

She entered the building, kicked off her shoes and announced her arrival.

"I'm home! And I've got booze!" she cheerfully proclaimed.

"Woho! Let's party tonight!" came a loud outcry from a ways off, which long-time residents would be able to identify as Kitsune's.

"Yeah! Tina is in the house!" Tina bellowed.

She'd show all these others how to party!

The End! ( For now... )