Title: The Remedy

Author: Lokaia

Rating: PG-13

Disclaimer: Not mine, but I still insist you buy the DVDs, read the comics, and see the movie.

AN: This is the raunchiest of my entries so far, full of so much sexual innuendo, I don't think it can actually be called innuendo anymore. You have been warned.

He'd been in all manner of uncomfortableness before. He'd been shot, stabbed, punched, kicked, electrocuted...

But never, never had he felt this sort of pain.

"Shouldn't you... y'know... dope him or something?" Wash was asking, expression twisted with worry. Well, worry or sympathy pain, eye twitching as he glanced from the doctor to the patient.

Sympathy pain being more likely as Simon didn't bother to be gentle, dropping a bag of ice on the... affected area. And if his lips twitched in a sort of smile at Jayne's strangled groan of pain? Surely a coincidence. "The ice will numb the pain just fine."

"Is dopin' faster?" Jayne hisses, eyes narrowed and hands unnaturally graceful as he attempts to reposition the bag of ice more comfortably between his legs. "'Cause I'm a little partial to faster, doc."

Simon turned and smiled-- almost a smirk. "What? The great Jayne Cobb can't take a punch to his gaowan like a man? Careful. You'll ruin your image."

"I'll ruin your image, you ruttin'--"

"Fun as this is," Wash interrupts, grinning even as he reaches forward to grasp Simon by the shoulder and start hauling him from the lab, "I gotta get back up to flyin' this old boat we're on and the doc here..." Glancing to him, Wash's grin stays in place as he urges Simon away with his gaze, "has got other things to do than try and get himself nut-punched, too." Two hands find their way to Simon's shoulders and the pilot forcibly shoves him out of the lab ahead of him, a grin thrown back Jayne's way. "You have fun now, sittin' all alone in here with nothin' to distract you from the fiery, burning, aching pain of your--"


Another grin and a lot of echoing laughter later, and it's just Jayne, the ice, and a hefty desire that he had been electrocuted.

"Can she come in?"

He's not sure how long it's been. Long enough that he'd fallen asleep, not so long that he wasn't easily woken by the small voice at the doorway. Starting with a jerk--

Was a bad idea, he realizes, letting out an unavoidable whimper as the jerk twists the wrist holding the bag of ice in place. Busy for the moment with trying not to cry like a little schoolgirl, it takes him a moment to remember someone's spoken. "...What?"

"She wants to come in but she doesn't want you to eat her. Once, she didn't want to live but she likes it now and doesn't want to die. Not because of an accident." A pause follows and dark eyes peer at him from the doorway, companioned only with a forehead and a great deal of dark hair. "...It was an accident."

His eyes narrow automatically, suspicious, even as his legs tense. He won't cross them to protect what's there, but there's certainly the urge to do it. "You better run away or come here, girl," he growls, teeth bared, "'cause I'm not chasin' you but I wouldn't mind payin' you back none."

A pause and a giggle and she steps into the room, grinning at him as her hands fold behind her back, stepping slowly, dreamlike up to the cot. "Can't pay me back. Don't have the stuff."

"You think I won't do it?" he snaps, eyes narrowed and growling again because he won't have his 'manhood' nearly taken away literally and then sit back and let her insinuate he's lost it figuratively, too.

But she blinks at him, eyes wide and surprised before she grins again, another soft step taken like a feather on cotton. "She doesn't have it." Her grin only widens as he looks at her blankly, uncomprehending. "The zhandou de yi kuai rou."

"..." Well, she has him there. Paying her back would certainly be difficult when the girl, by definition, didn't exactly have the parts for it. And while he opens his mouth to speak, there's something undeniably wrong about threatening the slip of the girl in front of him that he could always give her a titty-twister.

Not that she didn't have breasts. Of course she did! She was... what, now? Eighteen? It'd been more than a year, hadn't it, and she'd been cute before, even when she was cracked, could even be called beautiful now that she had her moments of sanity and has he been staring at her this entire time?


If the grin on her face as she steps up to him, hips swaying to let her skirt swirl around her thighs says anything about it. "Just wanted to apologize. It wasn't on purpose. There were contradicting factors, criss-crossing and making her confused but then she woke up and..." She trails off, dark eyes flitting away from his to look around the med lab. "...She's sorry," she finishes in a whisper. "Didn't want to hurt you."

"Well," he begins, voice rough and growled... or at least trying to be. He must be failing, though, with the way she looks up at him, face serious. Almost concerned. "Well... you did," he continues, turning the lame statement into a growl to make it more fierce. "Ain't nothin' you can do about it now."

Other than to apologize. Which she did, stepping in here like that when he's threatened her so many times before. Girl must be brave, or still crazy... or maybe they've just gotten that way. When did he go from backhanding her across the room to letting her stand beside him after she'd tried to de-man him? Maybe he should actually accept her apology.

"It'll get better with a kiss."

Or maybe he should stare at her and let his jaw hit his chest. "...What?"

"Kiss the hurts away," she murmurs, fingertips trailing lightly over the cloth of the cot, her eyes on the ice bag he holds over his groin. "Kiss the owie, put a bandage on it, make it better." A blink and she meets his eyes abruptly, expression perfectly serious. "That's how it's done."

If he stares at her a little longer than usual, it must be the numbness of the ice. If he gulps a little harder than necessary, it must be his thirst. And if he pales a little, it must be the fact that the girl-woman in front of him has basically offered him a blow job. "...You do that a lot?" he finally asks, voice rough and strained, eyes still wide with surprise as he tries to get the gravel from his throat.

"Mama used to do it for me," she informs him with what could very loosely be called a smile, a mere lifting of one corner of her mouth as she goes back to running her fingers over the cot near his hip. "Skin my knee, clean it up, kiss to make it all better." She looks up at him again, another abrupt and birdlike movement, more so when she cocks her head and blinks at him. "You want it to get all better?"

It can't be happening. He's sure it can't. There is no possible way the doctor's crazy, lovely, insane, nut-job of a sister would be standing beside him, blinking like that as she offered to put her mouth on him. Impossible. Not in a million years.

...But gorram if it hasn't been a long time for him.

It can only be weakness of the head, and not the one on his shoulders, that he looks at her and nods. And it can only be weakness of resolve that has him gulping like that again as she smiles and leans toward him...

Only to slowly spin to face the door, starting to rush out of the med lab.

"Hey!" Urgent, confused, maybe a little pleading, his expression is near painedas he looks after her-- and leaning toward angry. "Wh-- where are you goin'! Make all them, uh... promises just to run out!"

She stops and turns, lets the skirt swirl around her legs again and for once, really the first time since he'd called her cute the first day they'd been on Serenity, he notices, really notices her body.

Which is why he misses her smile, innocent and sweet the way no one as cracked in the brainpan as she is should smile. "Gonna get Simon."

He'd respond to that, but it's difficult. Her comment did nothing but fry every nerve that connected to his brain and allow him to speak, or even attempt to figure out why her brother needed to be present during this specific event.

She seems to realize this, though, being as freakish as she is, and 'tsk's at him quietly, frowning in almost disapproval. "Gotta do it right. Can't make a mistake. Now that Mama's gone, Simon does it for me." A pause and she smiles, happy again as she leans against the doorway, almost hugging it. "He'll do it for you, if I ask."

There are a lot of ways to respond to that. Asking, perhaps, what the hell is wrong with her family. Asking if she actually realizes what he thinks she's talking about. Asking if she has any idea what Simon will try to do to him if he finds out he thought he was agreeing to something entirely different with his sister. Asking if she has any idea how long it would take for anyone to find his body, if they find it at all.

But she's gone before he can do any of it, and it's just Jayne, the ice, and a hefty desire that he had been electrocuted.