Yeah to assassins!

The Shinobi's Guide to Voodoo
By Kaori

"Okay, we've done the controlling people with the doll thing, tested the Home Hypnosis Kit sample, tried out the love potion and the zombie powder, and put a curse on someone. Is there anything left?" Kiba was currently ticking off the uses of the Home Voodoo Kit.

"Well, there's raising the dead to do our bidding." Naruto said.

"I already said I'm not digging up anybody."

"Yeah, I know.Besides, I don't want to do anything that snake freak Orochimaru is into.So, I guess voodoo kit testing is now complete."

"Great, so now what do we do?"

"Now we get Sasuke. We're going to need a whole bunch of stuff and about six hours of preparation…"

The following day we find said Uchiha walking towards the weapon's shop to restock on kunai. Now, if Sasuke was the superstitious type he would have known that today was going to be a bad day. Arguably we could say he brought it on him self by getting out of the bed left foot first and then spilling salt all over the table at breakfast but everything else (the picture in the living room falling off the wall, the candle that was knocked over when he opened the door, Kakashi running across his path followed by the monster black cat and the crazy old woman…) could have just been Fate's way of telling him to "get the hell out of Dodge."

Unfortunately (for Sasuke) he is not the superstitious type and was therefore thoroughly unprepared for today. Then again, no amount of preparation would have made him ready for this …

We are now entering hell, Uzumaki and Inuzuka style. Please keep your hands and elbows inside the vehicle and try not to scream. Game on.

Gaara, Temari, and Kankuro were back in Konoha to deliver a scroll to the Hokage from the Acting Kazekage (well, actually Temari had the scroll; Gaara and Kankuro were the escorts). Temari was out of zombie powder anyway and was all too happy for an excuse to get some more so she could continue sneaking it into Kankuro's food and getting him into trouble. Kankuro, wanting a chance to repay Shino for breaking his puppet while Gaara (who organized this little trip in the first place) just wanted to beat the crap out of Kiba and Naruto again. All three had semi-evil glints in their eyes as they walked down the streets. Suddenly, Temari caught site of someone.

"Hey, isn't that the Uchiha kid over there?" Kankuro and Gaara turned to look, and indeed, Uchiha Sasuke was standing in front of a weapons shop debating whether or not to go in. Not in too much of a hurry to pummel anyone, the three walked over.

"Uchiha Sasuke." Gaara said calmly. Sasuke whirled around to face the trio and give them his usual cold greeting but the next thing he knew, he was glomped on to Temari and squeezing something rather round and soft.

"KYAAAAAAAAAAAAA!" Temari screamed and sent Sasuke flying through the air Keitaro style. "What the hell was he thinking!"

Sasuke was wondering that himself as he flew Air Temari over the village. "Hey, I can see my house from here." He thought inanely before smashing through the window of the Hokage Tower, barely missing the Hokage herself.

"THE HELL!" yelped Tsunade, ducking behind the desk in case it was the return of Jiraiya le Pew. When she dared to peek over the top of her desk she was knocked backwards and felt something nuzzling her breasts. She looked. "UCHIHA SASUKE WHAT THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING!" And Sasuke was sent straight through the wall and sailing through the ionosphere once again.

Kiba and Naruto sat atop the Hokage monument again, watching Sasuke go flying through the air. The rest of the action they observed through a mirror they had cast a spell on so that it was like a Sasuke-vision (All Sasuke all the time!).

"You know, I almost feel sorry for him." Naruto commented, idly. "Almost."

"That's a pretty effective curse." Kiba said. "Every time he sees a woman he will have the uncontrollable urge to fondle their breasts." He paused as he saw Sasuke go sailing into the Forest of Death courtesy of his latest victim's husband. "Ooh…that was a good one…"

"Yeah, but Sasuke just might decide to stay in there and we can't have that." Naruto reached into his jacket and pulled out the Voodoo doll he'd dressed up to look like Sasuke. He'd even manage to get some of Sasuke's hair by hypnotising one of his fangirls and siccing her on the Uchiha. Whether or not hypnotising her was necessary is debateable.

Sauske was sitting in the Forest of Death feeling utterly frustrated and confused. He had no idea why he was molesting all these women (he knew perfectly well why they kept hitting him though) and no matter how hard he tried he couldn't stop himself. What the hell was happening? The answer to his question didn't come but suddenly he found himself walking out of the forest and back to the village proper. This in itself wouldn't be so unusual except that he wasn't in control of his own body. He could only watch helplessly as his body marched itself towards the village.

"Hey, let me have a turn!" Kiba whined.

"Eh?" blinked Naruto, before passing Kiba the voodoo Sasuke. "Knock yourself out." Kiba laughed evilly.

"How much longer before the curse wears off?"

"Another ten minutes."

"Gooood." Drawled Kiba as he made the Sasuke doll "walk."

Sasuke almost screamed in horror. His pride wouldn't allow him to scream so he settled for quietly whimpering as his feet marched him into bathhouse…and into the women's bath.

"And you call me a sick man?" Naruto commented. Kiba just laughed as they watched Sasuke fondle the girls in the bath.

"KYAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA! TenTen. Smack! Sasuke got knocked into…

"EEEEEEEEEPPPP!" Hinata, who reflexively Jyuukened him towards…


"INO-PIG! GET YOUR FILTHY HANDS OFF OF SASUKE!" Sakura who wasn't being groped because Ino was hugging Sasuke to her chest and was refusing to let him go; frankly she sounded a bit disappointed. Ino stuck her tongue out at her rival.

"Nyeh, don't want to." And she pulled Sasuke closer.

The owner of the establishment, wondering what all the commotion was about, walked in and immediately grabbed Sasuke by the neck.

"What the hell are you doing in here!" she demanded, and then got very red in the face when Sasuke started squeezing her breasts. "YOU FILTHY PERVERT! DIE!" She attempted to drown the young Uchiha but Sakura and Ino restrained her long enough for the boy to make a run for it.

"Dang, I guess the curse wore off." Naruto sighed. "Ah well… I guess now is as good a time as any for phase two."

Sasuke ran and ran and when he thought he couldn't run anymore he shocked himself and kept running. Soon his body couldn't take the strain any longer and he collapsed in an undignified heap onto a bench. It was then that Naruto and Kiba approached him, both carrying sports bottles.

"Hey Sasuke you look like hell." Kiba said. Sasuke looked up at him, and glared.

"Shut up, Inuzuka." Growled Sasuke, hoarsely, he sat up and grabbed Naruto's sports bottle guzzling down the contents.

"Hey!" Naruto objected although in reality he wanted to grin like a maniac. Phase two : Get Sasuke to drink water laced with zombie powder, success. "That's mine you bastard!"

"Too bad do…Oh master what is your bidding?"

Shikamaru was on his way to take care of his parents' deer when he saw a rather unusual sight. There was a line of girls (all of which were from his graduating class or the class below) and all of them were giggling and blushing like crazy. "How troublesome…" Shikamaru muttered and would have gone on his way if he hadn't spotted Kiba walking down the line and taking money from them. "Okay what is going on here?"

Kiba, having spotted the lazy chounin gave a jaunty wave. "Hi Shikamaru, come to watch the show? I never thought you were a Sasuke fan, but we'll take your money anyway."

"I was just passing by." Snorted Shikamaru. "What's all of this about anyway?" Kiba just grinned at him.

"Stick around, since you're a friend I'll let you watch the show for free."

Now Shikamaru was curious so he hung around to see just what the dog-user was talking about. The line filed into a tent (Yondaime only knows where they found a tent… and he doesn't seem to want to tell me) and Shikamaru followed the girls in.

Apparently he wasn't the only person that had gotten curious as he saw Gai's team, Shino, and Jiraiya sitting in the crowd. He wondered what the sannin was doing there until he noticed the notebook; he sweatdropped. Damn dirty old man… Lights came up and illuminated a stage where Naruto was dressed in a kimono and waving a fan; the traditional heavy red curtain was behind him except this one had the Uchiha clan symbol on it (most likely the curtain was stolen from the abandoned Uchiha quarter)

"Ladies…oh and you dirty guys too… Welcome to the Cirque de Sasuke!"

"The what!" thought the guys and TenTen, the fangirls in the audience just cheered.

"Yes you heard me right, THE Uchiha Sasuke is here and he will perform for you. At the end of the show we will be having an auction and the winner gets a date with Sasuke!" Several screams of joy erupted from the audience. "And now…on with the show!" The fangirls clapped and screamed as the curtain rose, revealing Sasuke wearing quite possibly the most adorable dog costume you ever did see. The fangirls cooed, everyone else in the audience wondered what Sasuke had been smoking.

True to the name it was a circus as Sasuke did various things like jumping through flaming hoops, being Naruto's assistant (I refuse to say he was a sexy assistant) while the blonde did magic tricks, doing a fire-eating act, and finally ending with an interesting song and dance number that was accentuated with Sasuke performing various fire-type jutsus. Now the auction was in full swing and Neji was beginning to wonder if Kiba and Naruto were completely sane. Uchiha was going to murder them and feed their remains to Akamaru when he's no longer bewitched.

The fangirls were foaming at the mouth all of them wanting a piece of Sasuke and Naruto was hamming it up as an auctioneer.

"I have fifteen do I hear twenty? Twenty?"

"Twenty!" a girl sitting near Lee screamed.

"Twenty, twenty, twenty going once…"

"Twenty-five!" screamed another girl.

"Thirty!" challenged yet another.

"I have thirty? Do hear thirty-five? Thirty-five? No? Thirty going once…thirty going twice…"

"Fifty!" a voice near the back piped up. Everyone turned to see who had that kind of money to find…

"Hanabi!" Neji for the first time in his life, was openly shocked. Since when was Hanabi in the Uchiha Sasuke Fanclub?

"Er…okay…" Naruto blinked. "Fifty going once…fifty going twice…fifty going three ti…"


"WHAT THE HELL!" everyone yelled.

"DYNAMIC ENTRY!" A mass of green and white came barrelling into the tent.

"GAI-SENSEI!" gasped Lee.




Neji twitched and barely got the urge to Jyuuken the two of them into next week. As if things couldn't get any more confusing two ninjas in plain white coats came rushing in. One of them pointed at Gai.

"There he is! Get him!"

"Noooo! I just got out of there!" moaned Gai as a fight erupted between himself and the two orderlies from the rest home and everything just went straight to hell. There was a mad scramble for the stage as the fangirls surged foreward to molest Sasuke.

All the fighting brought the tent down on everyone's heads and during the fracas, Kiba and Naruto decided to take their money and run leaving Sasuke at the mercy of his fangirls (which in the long run is probably worse than whatever it was Naruto and Kiba had planned).

"Well, I suppose I'm satisfied." Naruto sighed as he pocketed his share of the money, Kiba had run off in the opposite direction. "And who knew Hanabi had a thing for Sasuke. Oh well, I've had my fun, I guess. Once that zombie powder wears off, Sasuke will have a hell of a time explaining himself."

"Zombie powder?" a familiar voice echoed. The boys turned around and there, standing in the road, was Sakura. "You drugged Sasuke-kun? Is that why he was acting so weird?" Her voice was a dangerous hiss as she spoke.

"Ah...Sakura-chan… nice whether we're having isn't it?"

"Yes, but I think it will be raining blood soon…"

"Sakura-chan…you're scaring me…"



Tsunade ended up hearing the whole story once the two deviants had been caught and interrogated. Kiba and Naruto ended up scrubbing all the toilets in Konoha with toothbrushes for three months, plus five months of nothing but D-Rank missions, and several ass-kickings from their victims (Gaara was the worst of the lot seeing as it was their fault that his sister got groped by Sasuke; surprisingly, nobody found out that Neji was part of the plot to institutionalise Gai). All Home Voodoo Kits and Hypnotism Kits in Konoha were burned and the sale of such things within the village was banned.

Things soon settled back to some semblance of normal but, who knows how long things will stay that way. After all, the world of the shinobi is full of surprises.

The End….or is it?