Disclaimer: I own neither Transformers nor Troy
AN: Complete randomness. Benji the Fallen Archangel belongs to my friend and his guide/babysitter Eris belongs to me.
"Why, may I ask, is a giant glowing strip of light floating in the middle of the room?" Sideswipe asked.
Rad, who was lying on the couch doing his homework, glanced up. "It's an inter dimensional portal. Don't touch it. I don't feel like ending up in some random dimension."
"Oooh. Pretty colors" Hot Shot said poking it.
"Have I told you recently that you're an idiot?" Rad said to the large yellow Bot as he looked over the beach/battlefield they were standing on.
"Ok I got us sent to some random place. It's not like you couldn't use a tan anyway," Hot Shot said defensively.
"Do you recognize this place Rad?" Sideswipe asked.
Before Rad could answer a blonde man came out of nowhere and scooped him up into a bear hug. "Patroclus!"
"Greek that looks nothing like Patroclus. Except maybe that he has blonde hair but lots of people have blonde hair" a brunet said walking up after him.
"Umm hi. Why is that guy squeezing our friend to death?" Sideswipe asked the brunet.
"His name is Achilles and a few hours ago his cousin disappeared with my older brother. My name's Paris by the way."
"Ok. Achilles? Could you put our friend down now, please?" Sideswipe asked.
"No! My cousin!" the Greek said placing the boy behind him.
"Dude, I've never seen you before" Rad said catching his breath.
"They've brainwashed you! I'll save you Patroclus!" with this Achilles picked the boy up, threw him over his shoulder and ran off toward the Greek camp.
The two Bots and the Trojan prince watched them go. Then Hot Shot asked, "What do you do for fun around here?"
"Steal out enemy's wives and deflower priestesses"
"Rad, what's with the weird clothes?" Optimus asked.
"Optimus that kid doesn't look anything like Rad. Well maybe the hair. But otherwise they look nothing alike" Scavenger said looking at the confused Greek warrior and the Trojan prince who was standing next to him.
"If he's not Rad then who is he?" Optimus asked.
"Um… I'm Patroclus and I have no idea who you are and how I got here," Patroclus said.
"Wait! I thought you were Achilles" the Trojan prince Hector said.
"No Achilles refuses to fight because he fell in love with a pacifist Priestess of Apollo. So I kind of borrowed his armor today" Patroclus said.
"You stole the great Achilles' armor and led his men into battle! Do you have a death wish?" Hector asked.
"He won't kill me. He'll just be umm … angry for awhile," Patroclus said.
"Achilles has killed hundreds without thought. What makes you so different?" Hector asked.
"I'm his cousin" Patroclus said.
"Ok. When we get back you're my hostage got it?"
"Alright. I really don't want to go back and watch Achilles and Briseis getting it on".
"Achilles that isn't your cousin" Briseis said looking at the annoyed blonde sitting on the floor glaring at her lover.
"Yes he is. He's just been brainwashed by those damn Trojans" Achilles said.
Briseis decided not to point out that she was one of those 'damn Trojans', she'd make him pay later when they were alone. "So what are you going to do?"
"I'm going to un-wash it," he said grabbing a bucket of dirt on the floor and his sword.
Rad's eyes grew to roughly the size of dinner plates. He decided to do the only thing he could to keep the insane Greek at bay. "Cousin!" he yelled as he jumped into the man's arms and gave him a hug.
"Patroclus! The brainwashing wore off!" Achilles said hugging him back. Rad looked over the warrior's shoulder and mouthed at Briseis "Help me". She nodded.
"Dude this is fun" Hot Shot said running from an angry Priestess.
"This isn't exactly what I meant when I said deflowering" Paris said holding the flower he'd stolen from the priestess' hair.
"What did you mean then?" Sideswipe asked watching the Priestess throw things at Hot Shot while calling on Apollo to smite him.
"I don't think you'd get it. And plus if I did any deflowering I think my wife would probably kill me then let the Greeks into the city to rape, pillage, and do some more deflowering" Paris said.
A loud boom caught their attention. A giant fireball seemed to have land on Hot Shot.
"Ha. I told you the great Apollo would punish you," the Priestess laughed as she walked back to the Temple.
"That doesn't look like a divine fireball. It looked like it came from a flamethrower," Sideswipe said looking up. "What the heck are you?" he asked the tiny bat like creature that was floating above them.
"I am Oni!" it exclaimed in a voice that sounded like it had been inhaling helium.
"Ok why did you throw a fireball at my friend?"
"He burn gooooood"
"Um ok. Could you not do that again?" Sideswipe asked.
"But I like burning things" Oni said.
Then a six-foot hawk woman appeared. "Beeeennnn! What did you do?" She yelled.
"Burned an Autobot with a flamethrower" Ben said.
"Why did you burn an Autobot with a flamethrower?" she asked with the vein in her forehead pulsing.
"I had to use a flamethrower. You took away my flaming hammers of doom."
"Ben! We're in enough trouble because of thing you've done to the Autobots! Remember how you started the war?"
"Wait he started the war? How?" Sideswipe asked.
Eris sweat dropped and then had a flashback.
Ben walking up to Red Alert "Hey Red, I bet you can't turn Optimus' wife into a guy" Ben says.
Red Alert, who has had too much high-grade energon, says, "I can too! Whoa when did the room start spinning?"
"You mean you can't see the room spinning?"
"I meant the other thing"
Two Hours Later…
"WHAT THE HELL DID YOU DO TO MY WIFE?" Optimus yelled.
Megatron stands in the middle of the room confused. "What happened?"
"Your wife wanted a sex change" Ben said fluttering around.
"What!" Megatron and Optimus said in unison.
"Damn. I'm out of here" Optimus said turning and getting ready to run.
"You're just going to leave me and our children?" Megatron asks sounding like she/he was about to cry.
"Where are our children?" They both look around and spot a bunch of scrap metal around Ben.
"Ben, where are my children?" Optimus asks.
Ben smiles guiltily and said, "I made a toaster!"
"Ben turned Optimus' kids into a toaster and broke up his marriage to Megatron?" Sideswipe asked.
Eris nodded. "Among other things".
"What other things?" Sideswipe asked not really wanting to know the answer.
"Ben! We have to find away to resolve the conflict on Cybertron!" Eris said.
"I've already worked it out. I call it …Unicron" he said presenting his knew creation. Unicron immediately starts eating planets. Eris' Archangel phone starts ring and on the other end is a pissed off Gabriel.
Eris anime sweat dropped. "I'm transferring to guard cousin Luke".
"Come on. It's not as bad as when I torched the grain fields in Egypt" Ben said defensively.
"The only reason I didn't transfer then was that Joseph guy saw you and told Pharaoh that there was going to be a famine".
"He created Unicron too?" Sideswipe said.
"The birdies go bye bye," Hot Shot said finally recovering from nearly being incinerated.
"Hey look at that battle field. The guy leading those soldier looks like Rad" Hot Shot said pointing to the battle that was taking place ten feet from them.
"Die you Trojan bastards!" Rad yelled swinging his sword at the guy leading the Trojans. He cut the other guy's head off and the Trojans retreat.
"Hooray for our fearless leader" the Greeks cheered for the thirteen year old who they, for some reason unknown (probably stupidity), had followed into battle.
"Hey Rad. Uh why are you leading an army?" Sideswipe asked.
"Achilles was up late last night with his girlfriend so he asked me to lead this mornings attack" Rad said.
"Nice skirt" Hot Shot said snickering.
"It's not a skirt. It's traditional Greek armor. Also don't insult the guy who is currently in charge of the greatest warriors on the Greek side" Rad said.
"What are you going to do about it" Hot Shot asked still snickering.
Rad just turned to his army. "He's insulting our armor. Calling it feminine. What are we going to do about that?" He yelled. The army gave a fierce cry and proceeded to beat the crap out of Hot Shot.
Then another dimensional rift opened and Patroclus and Hector jumped through.
Hector grabbed Patroclus and started walking towards the city gates. "He's my hostage" was all he said at the Greeks questioning looks. "Brother wait up!" Paris cried running after them.
"Was it my imagination or did Hector seem to be holding Patroclus a little too closely?" Eudorus asked.
"If Patroclus isn't fighting him we can only assume it's consensual so let's let it be" Rad said. "Oh yeah tell Achilles where his cousin is and that I am returning home" Rad said jumping throught the rift.
"Don't forget us!" Sideswipe and Hot Shot said jumping after him.
"Nice skirt Rad" Optimus said looking at Rad's armor. Rad growls at this and walks away.
"You use to be married to Megatron?" Sideswipe asked.
"Very long ago. Now I just go for one night stands" Optimus said.