Character Woes

By Adrian Tullberg.

inspired by the GAFF boards.

Harry walked into the Common Room.

Normally, this would be a fairly unremarkable act, but Harry's current mode of walking made Hermione bookmark and close her book.

The Boy That Lived didn't, as a rule, normally shuffle with nearly a yard's space between each ankle, make sudden painful inhalations with each step, and his buttocks extended outward, making him lean forward, bobbing his head like a chicken with each leg movement.

Harry stopped by the table, and placed both hands on the surface, breathing heavily, but not sitting down.

Hermione mentally wrote off any more studying tonight. "Another pregnancy fic?"

Harry nodded, eyes watering.

"You're really popping them out Harry."

"And I'm not even Catholic."

"I suppose birth control isn't an option ... ?"

"Considering I haven't any ..." Harry waved his hand around, floundering "... bits to control, it would be pretty much a waste of time."

"Shouldn't you see Madam Pomfrey?"

"She says she's reaching the limit of the school cures."


"Also that my rectum is so stretched at this point, it's starting to resemble a wizard's sleeve."

Hermione reached out and laid her hand on top of Harry's in what she hoped was a comforting gesture.

It seemed to work, because Harry's mouth twitched upwards at that point. "Why can't they write some normal ones?"

"I don't know."

"I liked the ones with you and me."

Hermione glanced down, smiling. "Thank you."

"It was good. We were ... biologically compatible."

"Well that's one way ..."

"And you read all those books, so you knew what to do."

Hermione quickly glanced around the room. "I didn't read that many of those books."

"And those ones with Ginny? She didn't read any of those books, but her mum's got a subscription to Cosmo."

Hermione withdrew her hand. "I'm glad to hear that."

"But now ... it's just me, Draco, and putting my feet in those stirrup things at the end of every fic. And the table's always cold."

Hermione was about to say something when a sheet of parchment materialised on the table. She picked it up, scanning the words.

"What is it?"

"Another pregnancy fic."

"Oh God ... do I have enough time to pre-lube?"

"Don't bother." Hermione dropped the parchment, expression unreadable. "I'm going to be the surrogate for your's and Draco's expression of love."

Relief crossed Harry's features. "Finally ... recovery time."

Hermione slammed down the document before getting up. "I expect hourly foot massages from you Potter."