Author's note: Okay, before you shoot me for writing this, lemme explain: I saw a MalikxOC fanfic, so I just had to. -bricked-

... Fine, so I didn't have to, but I felt Malik deserved some kind of say in this, so, alas, this... thing was spawned. XD; It's nota rant, or anything against any of the pairings listed- I ship half of these, myself - or bashing in any sort of way, because I'm firmly against that. I just wrote it the way I thought Malik would see it. -nodnod- So, here it it.

Disclaimer: Don't own Yuugiou (bet you didn't see that coming).

Warnings: Adult themes, snark, Malik's potty mouth.


Asexuality At Its Best

Before you go and wonder what the title's all about, let me tell you something: I'm Malik Ishtar. Not only am I nauseated every time I come across one of these 'fanfictions', but I am also growing bothered by the way people seem to perceive my character.

So, let's dive right into it, shall we?

I am not 'emo'. I tend to conceal my feelings from others (for good reason, also), and whether or not I reveal them is completely up to me. I do not go about and sob on the shoulder of the nearest person, nor do I wear black continuously and paint my nails some vile colour. I wear kohl, not eyeliner – this is what the ancient Egyptians wore to reflect the rays of the sun off their eyes. So, no, I am not interested in lathering my skin in foundation or placing black liquid anywhere on my body but my eyes.

I am not a girl. I do not wear make-up, I don't wear skirts, stockings, lace, or underpants, for that matter; I am strictly male, and male only; I enjoy wearing boxers and pants, thank you very much. Also, because I wear jewellery that is tradition to my family, does not mean that I suddenly have piercings on my stomach, eyebrow or down there. As for the midriff, it is not an excuse to write me off as a 'femme' boy; it's simply too hot for me in most places, and if that's my taste in clothing, then so be it. Now, regarding my hair: it's a flaxen-blonde colour, not 'platinum blonde', and that does not mean I dye it appalling colours every two to three weeks; nor does it mean that I put laces and ribbon in my hair.

Whilst on the note of me not being a girl, I do not act like a woman or have PMS.

As for the ridiculous 'pairings' in these 'fanfics', I will give you the following reasons of why I would never even consider it:

-I moved back to Egypt; this means I can't move back to Japan for 'plot purpose', or whatever it is the fansquad use in their stories.

-In case you didn't notice, I'm not really a people person. I would sooner have someone screaming in fear than in pleasure.

-I controlled the minds of countless, innocent people, so this means the majority of sane people would quake in their boots upon hearing my name.

-No one is intelligent enough to rival me (and those who are have other inexcusable flaws); nor is there anyone on the planet who doesn't annoy me with incessant talking.

-Most people would drive me insane while simply standing within three feet of me – yes, I'm hard to please.

-Too hot, can't touch this.

As for the people I'm paired with, let me list them and the reasons why I wouldn't touch them with a ten-foot barge pole:

Yami no Yuugi/Yuugi Motou: Er, are we hearing the words 'stole my future'? Not only is the pharaoh extremely loud-mouthed, but he is also too decisive for my tastes. He more often yaps about his next move in a duel, rather than making the damn thing. … Also, why anyone would have a hairstyle like that is beyond me. Though, I will admit he has duelling technique and seems to care about his silly little posse.

Rating: 2 stars out of 10.

Kaiba Seto: Let's see: over-inflated ego, tight pants, gravity-defying trenchcoat and a tendency to bluff without following through – not a good combination, in my opinion. Kaiba's weaknesses lie in his pride and the fact he constantly challenges the pharaoh to duels, only to be booted into the dust once again. Talk about needing to get a clue. What I will give him, though, is the fact he and his brother seem to maintain a relatively functional relationship, despite Kaiba's stick-up-his-ass act, and all the times the kid's been kidnapped.

Rating: 4 stars out of 10.

Mazaki Anzu: She was an effective pawn in my plan to strip the pharaoh of his powers, but nothing more; she is inexhaustibly cheerful and would drive me to the brink of insanity (it isn't as though I haven't been there enough). I give her credit for remaining defiant, even in the face of danger, however. (Let's face it: you don't give Malik Ishtar a mouthful unless you want to have your face re-arranged.)

Rating: 4 stars out of 10.

Yami no Bakura: … You have got to be kidding me. The spirit of the Sennen Ring is not only arrogant, but also self-absorbed – you'd probably have to probe his ego with something incredibly sharp to get through to him. Like Kaiba, the spirit bluffs about his moves and is slow to make them – in case you didn't notice, he also tends to have a high failure rate when it comes to duelling the pharaoh. The spirit was a tolerable partner in Battle City, but he proved to be ineffective against my darker half and useless in a duel. He's sharp-witted, however, and this earns him points in my book; he is also rather persistent in perseverance of his goals.

Rating: 6 stars out of 10.

Bakura Ryou: Nice enough kid, but easily manipulated and controlled by myself and the spirit of the Sennen Ring. He hardly put up a fight, and even then, his resistance was extremely weak. The fact he's endured the spirit's presence for so long is somewhat admirable, though, and he has protected his friends from the wrath of the spirit several times.

Rating: 5 stars out of 10.

Jounouchi Katsuya: … No, really. Tell me this is a joke. … It's not? Well, fine. Jounouchi is mediocre, in my opinion; he's vociferous and brash – he doesn't think before he acts and puts far too much on the line. Despite my low judgment of Jounouchi, he risks most things to protect his sister, which is… nice? … On the flip side, he still has the attention span of a rodent.

Rating: 2 stars out of 10.

Shizuka Kawai: Right. Are we seeing the cry-o-meter on this girl? She seems to have no backbone whatsoever; she was a good target for my Ghouls but proved to be nothing more. Shizuka's brother also annoys the hell out of me – must run in the family.

Rating: 1 star out of 10.

Yami no Malik: … Now, this is what I'd consider a bad dream. Say it with me: personality disorder. You can't have sex with yourself, as tragic as it is to realize.

Rating: 0 stars out of 10.

Hiroto Honda: Honda didn't get in my way during Battle City, so, fair enough; however, he attempted to hide Shizuka from my Ghouls when my orders were for them to take her. That was something I did not appreciate – on the other hand, though, he rides a motorbike. I respect that.

Rating: 3 stars out of 10.

Otogi Ryuuji: Ryuuji is one of those people you look at and think, 'How much time does he spend in the bathroom every morning?' And, as I've made painfully obvious, I cannot stomach feminine boys (though most people I know are). Ryuuji is a fruit, in my opinion – he wears a dice earring and a jacket akin to the one Mexican bullfighters do.

Rating: 4 stars out of 10.

Ishtar Isis: … Regardless of what ancient Egyptians thought was acceptable, I am a modern day descendent, and I do not. Incest creates children with two or more heads.

Rating: 0 stars out of 10.

Ishtar Rishid: Whomever thought of this one should have their head sliced from their body, doused in gasoline and then set alight. He's my brother.

Rating: 0 stars out of 10.

Ghouls: I don't think any of my former mind-slaves would appreciate my hand inside their pants; just the same way I do not appreciate incompetent fools.

Rating: 0 stars out of 10.

I believe it's safe to say I am asexual.


A/N: Well, it's over; hopefully, it won't make anyone think I think what MALIK thinks. D: ... Well, in some ways-- -hit-

Nah, kidding. ;3 Anyway, time for me to go and do some schoolwork (god forbid), so if anyone has any thoughts or such on this... thing, letting me know would be greatly appreciated. :D I'm open to constructive criticism.