A/N: Thanks to everyone who's been so patient with this and for reviewing. I know that it's been a long time, but it's been work, work, work and no play. I swear AP literature owns my soul. But I found time to write this so here is chapter 7. I have two more chapters left and then Vinny will be put out of his misery.
Spoiler: And yes, I have heard of Dirge of Cerberus for those who are curious and I'm soooo happy that Reeve and Cait are in it. To tell the truth, I didn't even know Reeve was going to be in the game when I first started writing this fic and now that I know, it just makes me believe his obsession with Vincent. I mean Cait is in it following Vincent and stuff and I saw a part where Vincent wakes up and Reeve is there. These are signs people! Signs I tell you! (struggles with stray jacket) Vincent-n-Reeve foreva!
Anyhow, enjoy the chapter!
Disclaimer: I don't own Final Fantasy 7 or Advent Children. But I own each demon's unique personality…Yay…I think.
Chapter Seven: DUI
At the moment, Vincent Valentine was walking down the street discreetly clad in his usual Goth/ supa-dupa fly cape/ your Nikes got nothing on my sharp metal shoes attire with the addition of a large red hat to hide the demonic beast that was now known as his hair. So far he thought he was doing a good job hiding his 'bad hair' day as only four women screamed in horror, two teens pointed and laughed and one small child cried.
It wasn't that bad right?
Nevertheless, it took several hours for him to tame the beast and unfortunately the dark luscious locks were now damaged beyond recognition. It was mostly his fault. After losing seven combs, twelve brushes and a blower in the massive jungle bush that was now his hair, he tried his hand at using different hair products. The results were life shattering as tubes of 100 percent pure alcohol hair gel, bed-head, crazy hair, 'ohmigod! It's Blonde!' (a bottle left behind by Cloud who would probably shake his head in denial vigorously all the while showing his roots in the process) 911 hair treatment (which smelt like coconuts and pineapple, because when we have a hair emergency, we want to smell as fruity and as tropical as possible), hot oil treatment and last but not least Tresseme had made his already crisp hair crunchy in some areas and curly/nappy in others.
He looked at the ends of his frizzy hair as he walked and paled.
Suddenly life was just not worth living.
His demons did not make the situation any better as each one affectionately named the monstrosity mass of hair a term of endearment. They claimed that it growled and snarled when aggravated and purred if it was petted. Vincent was in no mood in hearing all the facts revolving on how cute Fluffy (courtesy of Hellmasker) was.
'Vincent, you are not being nice to Fluffy, come on, he stops biting after you pet him' Hellmasker said trying to reason with the gunman.
'Leave me be!' Vincent scowled annoyed.
'Ignore him Hellmasker; he's just angry that his Metrosexuality is down to 85 percent.' Death Gias said.
'WELL, TECHNICALLY WITH THE ADDITION OF CURTIS, HIS METROSEXUALITY IS DOWN TO 75 PERCENT' Galian Beast roared.
'Mr. Bush-Bush.' Death Gias laughed while pointing at Vincent's hair.
'But fluffy is cool' Hellmasker defended.
Vincent's hair, as if agreeing with Hellmasker, snarled and growled.
'Lets not forget his whole 'oh I'm Vincent Valentine, the angst gunman who is doomed to spend eternity with a metal crappy arm and super fly demons in his head who remind him of how much of a loser he is because the only woman that he ever loved left him for some guy who's head can't be lifted off the floor for more than three inches because its so big' monologue that can get so annoying! Down to 65 percent. Oh wait, I forgot the whole 'I can't use a phone' thing, 25 percent.' Death Gias amused.
'Wow Vincent, you're a failure' Hellmasker smiled as if it was a good thing.
'My metrosexuality is perfectly fine' Vincent said trying to put his foot down. 'And besides, looks aren't everything; I have confidence, which counts for something.'
'15 percent' Chaos said out of no where.
'Why 15 percent?' Death Gias asked.
'Eh, I felt like taking away some.'
'Oh I have a good one!' Hellmasker said wanting to join the group. 'His inability to use the cell phone!'
'I already said that.'
'So? Let's do it again so that it's all the more obvious that he can't do something that even Cloud can manage after sniffing a marker!' Hellmasker smiled.
Chaos and Death Gias burst out into hordes of laughter.
'Burn!' Death Gias managed to say through tears.
'Hellmasker,' Vincent warned.
'Oh and we can't forget his fear of gerbils.'
'Gerbils? What the fu-'
'Hellmasker!' Vincent yelled cutting Chaos off.
'HM…' Galian beast all the while was taking down the results. 'NOW VINCENT IS DOWN TO 0 percent.'
'Oh! And the fact that he has no real friends since comrades don't count because the people you worked with only tolerated you and us demons are only here because some one paid us to be your friend.'
'Did I win the game?' Hellmasker questioned innocently.
Chaos and Death Gias could only lean on each other as they tried to struggle for air as they laughed.
'VINCENT YOU ARE DOWN TO NEGATIVE 15 PERCENT.'
Vincent pouted since that was what one did when your sole called friends betrayed you by listing your faults.
'Don't worry dude, I mean, you still have us to make you cool.' Death Gias said recovering a bit.
Vincent rolled his eyes.
'I beg to differ.'
'VINCENT, IT IS TRUE. WITH US, YOUR METROSEXUALITY GOES UP TO 99.9 PERCENT. THE REST OF COURSE CAN BE COMPENSATED WITH YOUR LOOKS… IF YOU HAD ANY.'
The rest of the demons roared in laughter. Vincent continued walking, ignoring the vein that threatened to pop on his forehead and finally made his way to Rocket Town.
The quest of his journey was to see if someone with the mental capacity of a normal human being could teach him how to use a cell phone. This person was none other than Shera. He did think of Red XIII at first but since he had no opposable thumbs Shera became his 'chosen one' by default.
But what met him at the air ship garage was something far from normal. It was in the form of curse words, a strong rum scent and thick cigar smoke. It was Cid Highwind.
Vincent shivered at the thought of communicating with this man. Nothing good ever came out of him. But his demons on the other hand…
'Hey, it's Uncle Cid!' Death Gias yelled.
…were a different story.
Cid looked up and blinked multiple times trying to convey who or what stood before him.
"Who the f$k are ya? Dianna Ross?"
"Cid, it is me. Vincent."
Cid raised an eyebrow and took a swig of his canteen.
"Look lady, last I heard you got busted for a DUI, I don't need ya crazy ass prentendin' to be that loser Valentine. If ya gonna pretend, be someone cool, like me" Cid puffed on his cigar and drank from his canteen at the same time. This resulted in him chocking and Vincent just watching not wanting to do anything.
Because as we all know, drinking and smoking at the same time is cool.
Vincent took off his hat in the hopes that Cid would recognize him better in his drunken state.
"Cid, it is me!" Vincent almost yelled.
His hair snarled, annoyed at being awaken from its nap.
"Valentine? What the f$k is that?" Cid asked pointing at his hair.
"I'd rather not say, but I came to request the assistance of Shera. I am hoping that she would know how to operate a cell phone."
"Well, ya $h!t outta luck cuz she ain't here."
"I wonder why." Vincent said eyeing his drunken comrade as he practically inhaled his cigar, took another swig from his canteen and belched.
"Shoot, I don't know either."
Vincent felt awkward. He wanted to leave and suddenly his feet talking some steps backwards. Thank god for survival instincts.
"Where ya going? Come on, I'll teach ya how to use a cell phone ya damn Telephonophoniac."
'Whoa, was that a curse?' Death Gias asked surprised that Cid would know such a large word.
'Don't know, it sounded degrading enough.' Chaos responded.
Vincent ignored his demons and the ill comment and followed Cid on to his airship.
Vincent stood in front of the clean windows of the air ship as Cid drove all the while drinking. He was astonished at the fact that the trip to run some errands was smooth despite Cid's drunken state. He concluded that the pilot had driven drunken one too many a time.
He sighed as he looked at the cell phone in his hand. Was he ready to deal with Cid's tutorial after all he'd been through?
A loud sound of something making contact with thick glass interrupted his thoughts. He looked up startled to see a dead bird. He hoped that Cid didn't accidentally fly into a flock of them.
Two more birds.
Thud. Thud. Thud. Thud.
Four more birds?
"What the hell is going on?" Cid said putting in another cigar in his mouth. Now he had two. Now he was double cool.
Vincent wanted to know as well as the birds kept coming and aiming for his head. His hair growled in response.
'I THINK THE BIRDS THINK THAT CURTIS IS A NEST' Galian Beast said scratching his chin in thought.
'Ew, who would want to set house in Mr. Bush-Bush'
Vincent raised an eyebrow at his hypocritical demons that lived inside of him.
"Goddamn it Valentine, get away from those windows, ya hair is pissing them off! Those motherf$kers are destroying my baby! I don't go through blood, sweat and tears into paying Shera to clean those Goddamn windows for nothing Vampy!"
Vincent backed away slowly, trying hard to not attract anymore birds that were still pilling up upon the bodies on the already dead ones. He walked quickly towards Cid who was trying to turn the ship into another direction.
"Now, where's that f$ker you were yammering about." Cid said taking a puff on both cigars and letting go of the wheel.
"I have it here," Vincent said giving it to him. "Aren't you going to put the ship in auto pilot?"
"$h!t, I ain't stupid; I can drink and drive at the same time."
This was not comforting to Vincent in anyway.
"Now lookie here, don't be a dumbass and space out like Cloud, I'm not going to repeat myself so listen."
The fact that he taught Cloud how to use a phone was not comforting either.
Vincent saw the wheel of the ship violently turn to the right and felt the ship jerk left. He fell backwards but held on to the grid metal floor. Cid was still standing still in front of the wheel.
"You need to press this f$ker here to activate this $h!t so you can call that one friend you have you f$king loser."
The ship dipped forward. Vincent's hand slipped from its grip and he flew towards the glass. His hair growled at the dead birds. Vincent looked up to see if Cid was anywhere and the man was still at his place explaining the features of the phone all the while smoking, drinking and trying to turn the wheel.
"Then you press this $h!t so it can do some crap and when it f$king does this you press that f$ker over there to leave a f$king message."
Vincent tried his best to climb upwards to meet with the pilot, who seemed to be breaking all the laws of physics by standing straight all the while ignoring the ship that was plummeting down to land promising death.
He was finally able to reach the drunken pilot as he called for Shera who obviously wasn't there to explain to him why the 'f$king screen was blinking incoming call from Reeve'. Vincent managed to hold on to Cid's foot.
The ship was pulled upwards before hitting the ground. This action made Vincent's hair make contact with Cid's calf. His hair or Buddy (courtesy of Chaos) quickly began to bite said calf, thinking it was an enemy. Cid screamed in pain dropping both cigars into the savage bush.
Vincent smelt smoke.
'The roof, the roof, the roof is on fire!' Death Gias sang
'We don't need no water let the mother f$ker burn! Chaos responded.
"What?" Hellmasker screamed in horror.
"Burn, baby burn!"
"What the f$k is that! Get this $h!t off me!" Cid dropped the phone and crimson eyes saw the device brake…just like his heart…tear.
The pilot proceeded to stomp on the smoldering bush of hair as it tried to eat his calf. Vincent tried to hold on as long as possible as he felt the ship violently turn right.
Finally, gravity noticed the drunken pilot and managed to knock him down. The canteen of rum fell out of his grasp and into Vincent's hair. The bush burst into a rainbow of flames as it screamed in pain. Cid managed to stand up and stomp on repeatedly on the flames. Vincent tried to speak up but as he saw the thick heavy boot come towards his face, he, like in all situations in which his looks are in danger, blacked out.
When Vincent woke up, he was met with Shera. She touched his forehead and raised an eyebrow.
"Hey, are you ok?"
Vincent could still smell smoke in the air and concluded that he was now bald. He choked down his tears as his hand went to his head to see the damage.
Long silky hair past through his fingers.
'IT LOOKS AS IF THE FIRE REACTED TO ALL THE CHEMICALS YOU'VE PUT IN YOUR HAIR ALONG WITH CID'S RUM. EACH, IN THEIR OWN UNIQUE WAY, FUELED THE FIRE WITH ENOUGH IONS THAT IT CHANGED THE PHYSICAL COMPONET OF EACH HAIR STRAND. ALSO, CID'S STOMPING ON IT REPEATEDLY TAMED THE SAVAGE BEAST.'
'In other words?' Vincent asked already bored with Galian Beast's explanation. He stopped and thought for a while. Since when did he have ADD? He felt like he was one step away from becoming Cloud. He shivered.
'In other words, your hair got relaxed.' Death Gias said rolling his eyes bored as well.
Vincent was happy. His 'I'm too cool for this $h!t' exterior was intact! A tear of joy trickled down his smooth ivory cheek and gently kissed his soft lips…
"Are you crying?"
He cleared his throat and pulled himself together.
"Where is Cid?" he asked hoping she didn't notice his 'moment'.
Shera rolled her eyes.
"Cursing up a storm somewhere I'm sure of it. Oh here, before I forget," Shera took out a cell phone from her pocket and handed it to Vincent. "To compensate for Cid."
"I'm afraid I'm not familiar with this phone…" he said eyeing the large phone that was armed with a thick rubber. It said Nextel on it.
"…may I ask for a tutorial?" he peered into her eyes. Hopefully his super charged metrosexual eyes were enough to convince her.
"Sorry Vincent." She blinked.
"But I have to clean the windows of the ship for some reason."
"But I know who you can go to," she reached into her pocket again and took out a card. "This is where I got this phone. They are great with showing you how to use it."
"Thank you." He said slipping the card into his pocket.
He walked out, trying to ignore Cid who was now smoking four cigars and trying to stick the canteen in as well.
"Valentine! You wouldn't f$king believe it! Dianna Ross was here and her crazy ass hair tried to eat me and shit!"
Vincent's eye twitch and he pressed forward. Hopefully, he would be able to learn how to use the phone before his blood pressure reached his norm of 165 by noon.
In the distance, Cait hung up after explaining to his master that the phone that he had tried so hard to trace the number to (so that his master could call Mr. Valentine) was now destroyed. But it was not to be mourned though.
He smiled as he saw Vincent make a right
Soon his master will go through his plan.
A/N: Well that was it. This story is rated T so I didn't want to push it by going over board with the curses and thus the symbols etc.
Some quick notes for those who are curious.
A Telephonophoniac is a person who fears phones.
A regularly person with normal blood pressure has a count of 120 over 180…if a person has 165 out of the 180 they are technically dead.
The next chapter will have two parts but will still be considered one. I hope you guys enjoyed and remember to review.
Part one: The Turks… because when you were a part of an organization that made you work for a man that turned you into the hideous monster that you are, it helps to go back to forgive and forget.
Part two: Vincent goes on a blind date with Reeve, since you know, love is blind…and so is obsession. Vincent-n-Reeve foreva!