"I Guess This is Goodbye"
Show: Stargate Atlantis
Genre: Angst/General/Missing Scene
Pairing: Slight Shep/Teyla
Summary: Missing scenes/POVs from "Conversion". Elizabeth told all of them that it was time to give their last goodbyes to Colonel Sheppard. What were each of the characters planning on saying to him before he left them for good? One short chapter for each perspective. R&R S.V.P!
Disclaimer: Don't own any of the characters, Atlantis, the Daedalus, or the SGC. But I did manage to sneak an Asgard into my closet…he followed me home from school one day.
Author's Note: "Conversion" was pretty dang awesome, but I was kind of sad that we didn't get to see any of the private goodbyes between him and the others. I felt a little gypped, so I figured I'd just write them myself. Interpret these any way that you want – if you see something that I didn't intend to write in, glad it works for you. Hope you like them!
Chapter One: Elizabeth
Carson says that the news isn't good, and it's getting harder and harder to hide it from you. The others can sense it too. I can see it on their faces – Teyla's taking it pretty hard, McKay and Ronon too, though they try to hide it a little more. How are we…how am I supposed to say goodbye to you? I guess I always knew that this sort of thing came with the job. Amid all of the excitement and discovery and anticipation there has to be something horribly unpleasant, and I think I've found it.
I wish I could just say that you were my colleague and my friend and move on from there, but I think we'd both know that that sort of simplicity is a lie. I never would have thought it was possible to know someone better than you know yourself, but that was before all of us came to Atlantis. We've all become more than friends and more than colleagues…we're a family, John, and knowing that we're losing you hurts more than any of us have the courage to say.
I guess in a way I feel like I should apologize to you. If I hadn't worked to get you on this expedition, convinced you that coming here was the right thing to do, then you wouldn't be lying in the infirmary, dying while we can only stand by and watch. I know that if you were awake and listening you'd try to convince me that it isn't my fault, but I can't help but feel responsible for you, even more so than the others at times, simply because you didn't really want to be here. I asked, pulled a few strings, and you accepted.
Even though I can almost hear you telling me that it wasn't my fault, I know that in my position you would be thinking the exact same thing. I know you, John, and I know that you feel the same responsibility for those around you that I do. You would give your life for anyone on this station without hesitation, and the people that have come to love and respect you over the past year would do the same for you. I don't think you ever realized the power that you have over those around you. You only need to look into your teammates' eyes to see it – the loyalty and dedication that they have for you is almost overwhelming. I feel almost selfish when I say this, but I'm dreading telling them that we're losing you forever; the pain that I will see is going to be too much to bear. You've brought them together and believed in them when no one else did, and that sort of bond is going to be impossible to replace.
Carson's been saying that maybe it would be for the best for us to let you go, but I guess the truth is that I'm too selfish for that. Knowing that tomorrow I'm going to have to wake up and face Atlantis alone…it's not that I won't. It's more that I can't. It was your friendship and dedication and compassion that made me question myself and everything that I held dear. You forced me to turn all of my ideas about the military, command, leadership, and decisions inside out…and knowing I might have to go on without you is so hard.
I don't really know how to actually say goodbye. Nothing seems good enough for this situation, and if I try to figure out how to say it, it'll mean that I have to let go. Thank you for everything, John…you've done more than you know. We're not giving up on you.
I've never written anything like this, so I don't know how it turned out. Ideas on how to make it better?