"I Guess This is Goodbye"
Show: Stargate Atlantis
Genre: Angst/General/Missing Scene
Pairing: Slight Shep/Teyla
Summary: Missing scenes/POVs from "Conversion". Elizabeth told all of them that it was time to give their last goodbyes to Colonel Sheppard. What were each of the characters planning on saying to him before he left them for good? One short chapter for each perspective. R&R S.V.P!
Disclaimer: Don't own any of the characters, Atlantis, the Daedalus, or the SGC. But I did manage to sneak an Asgard into my closet…he followed me home from school one day.
Author's Note: This one is dedicated to all my buddies at the Shep/Teyla thread at Gateworld who keep me sane when I really need it – you know who you are you crazy shippers, you! Anyways, I'm not sure if this will be the last chapter or not…maybe one with Shep's POV, but we'll see what happens. I finally figured out how I can post at a more decent speed, so everything should be normal doings from now on. This was actually harder for me to write than I thought it would be, so I hope it all turned out okay. Please drop me a line when you're done!
Chapter Four: Teyla
I am still not certain what I want to say to you – Ronon finished too quickly for me to decide what would be best. When Dr. Weir told us that it was time for us to say goodbye, I did not want to believe it was true. I had come to think of you as someone who would never leave, someone who could not be injured or killed. Even now there is a part of me that insists the next time I see you, this will all go away and this time will only be a memory, a nightmare that fades away into nothing.
But I know that this is not to be. Carson says it is only a few hours until…
Do you know what I am thinking right now? I cannot help but think that as long as I stay here with you it may all turn out all right. Perhaps somehow, if I do not leave your side, if I take your hand, if I never look away, I can ward off whatever is coming to take you from me. You would not, you could not die in front of me – that is not supposed to happen. Part of me believes that if I stay, you would not be allowed to die.
There is something horribly unnatural about watching a friend die in front of your eyes. The universe was not designed that way, and it was especially not meant for you to be here like this. When my father was taken from me, it was a horrible time in my life but not something that had been unexpected. The Wraith were always a part of me, and I knew I could not avoid loss at their hands forever; it was terrible and sad, but I accepted it with little resistance. It was a part of life. Seeing you like this is different. This whole thing was an accident, and to have you, John Sheppard, die because of an accident seems so pointless and so wrong. It could have just as easily been me or Ronon and to have it happen to you just because you were there…it is not fair, and it should not be happening this way.
There is so much that I need to tell you and so little time to do it. I always thought that there would be enough time to tell you everything but now there is little chance that I will ever be able to speak to you again. I have lost many friends and family members to the Wraith since I was very young, but none of those losses has ever made me feel as helpless and lost as I do now. Before, I was forced to keep my emotions from showing. As leader of the Athosians, it was my responsibility to be the voice of reason and stability, so allowing fear to take hold was not an option. You gave me permission to be afraid. You made me realize that everyone sometimes needs to be second, if only to allow someone else to take control for a moment. Without you, where am I supposed to go?
I never had the chance to explain the real reason why I stayed on Atlantis. It was because of you. My people had learned to fear the Wraith and to accept them as part of our existence; I had never known that life could be any different until I met you. The city of Atlantis offered my people a great deal of hope, but even I was not convinced by the discovery alone. Only you made me believe that there could be a future without fear or despair. To me, you were strong, confident, kind, compassionate, understanding…and funny. I believe it was your sense of humor that first struck me. My people are not without humor, but it had been so long since we had found anything to laugh about. Nothing could have convinced me more than your smile and your laugh did. As soon as I saw you smile I knew that there was hope – there could be no way for such a beautiful, honest thing to exist without a reason for happiness. Even now, there are times when I am convinced that we will never be able to live without the presence of the Wraith, but I only have to turn to you for a wink or a laugh or a smile to know that there is always reason for hope.
You have been one of the few people that I have ever felt comfortable sharing my fear and anger and sorrow with. I know that it has not always been easy for you to have to defend me to the others on Atlantis. There has always been a great deal of speculation as to why you trusted me when no one else did, and hearing such rumors could not have been easy either. Colonel…John, your trust in me meant more than I ever told you. I do not know why I earned such confidence from you, but it was something that I never took lightly. I believe that you and I are alike in that we do not trust people easily, and the fact that you never doubted me made my loyalty to you even stronger. Now that you are leaving, it is as though I am not just losing a friend but a part of myself, the part that is confident and strong and proud…the part that is most important.
I know that you cannot even hear me right now, but I wanted to talk to you about what happened earlier in the gym. I was not angered or upset by it…you only surprised me. It was not something that I did not want to happen…I mean…why is it that you can still make me uneasy when you are not even awake? What I meant to say was that I wish it could have happened differently. It will not make a difference now, but I wish it had happened when we were both ourselves.
Dr. Beckett says that I can only stay for another moment – we are already losing you, so I need to tell you what I really came for. This is not easy for me to say, but I care for you a great deal…perhaps much more than I should as a member of your team. The reason why I do not call you "John", even when we are alone, is that it is not safe for me to lose my sense of formality with you. It is easier for both of us if you are Colonel Sheppard. I did not want to risk losing your friendship – it is too important to me – but now I am losing you completely. I will never have another chance to tell you, and even now with you asleep I am almost too afraid. John, I need you, more than I have ever needed anyone before, and I…I think I might love you. I do not know when I first realized it, but it has been some time now. I always believed that I would have enough time to tell you, but now fate has chosen for us and you will never know.
I guess this is goodbye, John. I know you cannot hear me, but…I love you. And I know you cannot feel it, but this is my half of the kiss. There will never be another like you John Sheppard.
Okay, that was it. Phew! Comments, concerns, gripes, squees? I'd love to hear them all in a nice little review.