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This is the way the world ends, not with a bang, but a wimper - T.S Eliot
Oh boy, i'm in a fix now aren't i? who ever would have thought that I, Kathryn the great would be reduced to this? A hot bath with a few Valume and a lady bic. It's a sad situation and your just loving it aren't you? You get to go out a hero and me? a pathetic mess of a girl.
Once it all ended, thanks to your blonde bombshell, I knew what I had to do. The facts were dry and clear cut, all laid out on a silver platter. I couldn't just go on living my life, not after all that had taken place, not after all the events unfolded so beautifully. My life could never be the same no matter what lies I told or tricks I played. All the evidence was front and centre and I was caught red handed. You must be very proud of yourself, you won. After all these years of coming up short, you won, congratulations, forgive me if I don't sound sencere sebastian, i'm still a little bit sore about it all. Both of our lives are over because of you, that's not something one takes lightly.
I run my manicured fingers over the crude blade and imagine. What a scene it will be, I'll be the talk of the town, as usual. How dramatic of me, naked except my heels with bloody wrists, poetic almost. Most will probably laugh at this display of mine, call me weak and pathetic, but I know the truth. Only a person with brass balls could flick the switch, take death into there on hands but most don't see it like that, luckily, I could give a fuck about most people. I do give a fuck about you however, or did until you decided to take me down with you, god, your so selfish. When I heard...about...the unfortunate turn of events i felt true sorrow, loss, for the first time in my life. And not the "my boyfriend dumped me" type of loss or the "my daddy doesn't love me" type. I felt a pain that I had never felt before, it burrowed through my insides like a tape worm and continued to eat at me, well, until you pulled that nasty trick of yours. Apparently not even death could put a stop to this little game of ours, this game of "whose got the bigger dick" that we've been playing since we were children. At this point I don't care anymore, it's a waste of energy. I don't care that you ratted me out like a cheap whore and I don't care that your dead, not really. I care, that you died for her!. I care that you died like some faggot ass pussy trying to pull a superman. I care that you died and left me here to rot. But most of all, I care that you died loving her instead of me. How dare you? How dare you do that to me? fuck me over for some mary, some pigtailed lay. You with your fucking "feelings" and your inability to acknowledge who the fuck you are. The squishiness of it all is enough to make me ill. It's like, all of a sudden, i'm not enough, i'm not what you want anymore. Was it because of my checkered past sebastian? Was it because i've fucked more faces then you? Boys, girls, it never ever mattered to me, i never thought it mattered to you either. I always thought that, that was what you loved about me, by ability to fuck without feeling. I was wrong, as it turns out I was wrong about a meriod of things wasn't I?
Now here i lay, with my stilletos hanging limply over the sides of the tub. Razor in hand and valume in my tummy. Oh how tragic. I thought everything through as I usually do and decided that this was the best way to die. There are many ways I could have gone, so many different directions I could have taken. Initially I wanted to hang, just be suspended in all my glory, monoxide in a car or nose dive off a bridge. But nothing says it quite like rivers flowing from my wrists. My hair is perfect as is my makeup. I want people to remember me accuratly, perfect. Because i was perfect Sebastian, reguardless of what everyone thinks or what you think, I know what I am.
The moment of truth has arrived darling. Are you watching me at this very moment? I can hear you taunting me, telling me I lack the metaphorical "balls" to make the leap. Are you challenging me? Attempting to make another wager? Don't bother handsome because the time for wagers has come and gone and honestly, all I want to do is die.
My hands are not trembling as I make the first incision. It's a nice clean line, quiet, not angry, there is no apparent rage showing on my skin. Even my with my impending death I want to hide what I truly am. The water turns a nice soft pink as my blood flows out like a waterfall. I hadn't planned on my arm becoming so weak, the next cut isn't as pretty. Now here I am, waiting, biding my time until I can see you again, which undoubtedly will be never because you, you sebastian, you sacraficed yourself for another. You sacraficed yourself for that holy roller, that peaches and cream cunt that never loved you with as much strenth as i did. See, that was the problem. She convinced you that love was supposed to be sweet and pure with no hiccups, no bruises. Because of that you disreguarded what we had. Why sebastian? because it wasn't flowers and candy? Because it hurt? Everything hurts sebastian, everything that means anything at all, hurts. It loses it's meaning if it doesn't. Well fuck you too, Mr. holier than thou, fuck you. I'm destined to spend all of eternity in hell, waiting, longing for you, while you'll be with her proclaiming your ever growing love. I'll be left alone and you'll be admiring the horror from above.
Just remember one thing brother, there is only one person that knows what you really are. There's only one person that knows everything about you, the good and the bad and there's only one person who loves all of those parts of you with utter ferocity and it's not her. All of the bullshit, all of the playground games we took part in, it was just our way of dancing around the truth.
Thing's feel different now. Everything seems to be softer, all the edges have blurred, there are no sharp corners anymore. I can hear the sound of water dripping and somewhere in the background I can hear you. It's really not fair at all is it? How thing's turned out, you a hero, me a whore. You didn't deserve what you got sebastian. You didn't deserve to die the way you did, loved.
We always thought we were the same person, siamese twins seperated at birth but as I feel death wrap it's hands around my neck I know that what we thought just isn't true. Were not the same, because you died knowing that I loved you and I die knowing you loved her, and that sebastian, is tragedy at it's finest.