Decided to post this here anyhow.
Disclaimer:I don't own Harry Potter anddon't own the game I Never.
One-shot: I Never
"Good, good," Albus clapped his hands together excitedly as they all gathered around the staff room table, "it looks like we're all here."
"And just why some of us are here…" Draco Malfoy, the only other student present besides Harry Potter, murmured.
Albus evidently heard, "you and Mr. Potter are the only two students to have stayed over the holidays, and since both of you are 16 and of age under the new laws, I thought we'd try out a new game I heard of just last week."
"Why do I have a bad feeling about this?" Harry and Severus mouthed the sentiment at exactly the same time.
"There's nothing to worry about," Albus tried to reassure them, his eyes twinkling, "now the game is a muggle game called I Never, and…"
Albus broke off as Harry's head hit the table with an audible thump before the boy lifted it and did the same thing a few more times, "…have you heard of the game?"
"Yes," Harry groaned, "someone starts by saying something they've never done and those who have done it take a drink of whatever alcoholic beverage is handy. Depending on the version, if asked you have to elaborate on the situation. You keep playing until you're to pissed to continue in most cases."
"Couldn't have explained it better myself," Albus excitedly took his seat and summoned the house-elves to bring the fire-whiskey, "I've cast a spell so no one cheats, and one to refill the glasses as they empty. I'll start."
Realizing from Albus' actions that there would be no way out of this, everyone tentatively pulled their glasses towards them and prepared to play, Severus even took a huge gulp of his drink before the game even started int eh hopes of getting pissed early on in the game so he could drop out.
"No, no, Severus," Albus admonished, "you have to wait and play by the rules. Now, I never get socks for Christmas."
Everyone groaned at this and picked up their drinks and swallowed some down, Professors Sprout and McGonagall tentatively sipping their drinks along with Madam Pomfrey as everyone else took gulps.
"Your turn Minerva," Albus nudged them to continued playing.
Minerva hesitated, thinking, "I never mastered the Patronus charm."
Harry, Remus, Albus, Severus, Filius, and Draco drank to that one.
Curiously Harry looked at Draco, "I've never seen your patronus. What is it?"
Draco muttered something unintelligible, before finally yelling out when prodded, "I said a ferret!"
Harry snickered and the game moved on. Madam Pomfrey was next, followed by Professor Sprout, both women uttering weak 'I nevers'. Remus went after them, and then it was Harry's turn and he decided that it was time to liven up the game before Sirius got the chance. And thinking of Sirius…
"I never tried to have sex with a house-elf." Harry waited for the explosion he knew was coming.
"Dammit!" Sirius yelled before downing his glass in a gulp, "I was drunk at the time and James had slipped me a lust potion. Remus stopped me before anything happened."
"Just in time too!" Remus was laughing so hard he could barely get the words out, "g-good one H-harry!"
"My turn!" Draco announced, "I've never had sex with a dog."
Without hesitation Harry took a swig from his glass. Glancing up, he noticed that everyone seemed to have raised an eyebrow at this.
"Never thought you swung that way Potter," Snape's voice was a sardonic draw.
"What?" Harry grinned cheekily and pointed at Sirius, "doesn't he count."
Catching on, Remus raised his glass in salute and drank, "well, in that case."
To everyone's, except Sirius', surprise, Madam Hooch drank as well. Blushing faintly the woman jerked her head at Sirius and mumbled something about the broom shed. Harry was suddenly dreading Sirius' turn, a wicked glint was in the animagus' eye.
"I never had sex with a werewolf on the night of the full moon!" Sirius smirked triumphantly as Harry finished off his glass.
Severus raised an eyebrow at Harry, "you seem to have a kinky streak of fetishes."
Harry grinned unrepentant, not about to let Sirius get the better of him, "gotta get my kicks in somehow. Besides, two wolves, full moon, it's pretty romantic once you think about it despite the differences between a werewolf and an animagus form."
Draco smirked, "Harry's got a kink list stashed somewhere and I think he's actually done it all."
"Not yet," Harry contradicted his sometimes lover, "after all, I've never had sex in a giant cauldron yet."
Snape began to choke, and Harry realized what had happened. Even though it hadn't been his turn, he had still used the words 'I've never' and Albus' spell had activated.
"Opps," Harry wasn't in the least bit sheepish, "look who's kinky now."
A few rounds, and many outrageous 'I nevers' later, a very tipsy Albus realized that the game was getting out of hand and decided a few impossible 'I nevers' were needed. The only problem was that no matter what odd thing he said, at least one person in the room seemed to have done it. Finally, Albus' whiskey and lemon drop laced mind landed on the perfect, or so he thought, 'I never'.
"I never slept with Voldemort," he giggled; if the other could talk about their sex life then so could he.
Over half the people in the room winced at the name even though the pleasant warmth of the alcohol they had consumed relaxed them. The only two besides Albus who didn't cringe were Severs and Harry; instead, they drank. Severus regarded Harry over the rim of his glass, both of them ignoring the myriad of emotions their drinking companions were going through at this newest revelation.
"Perk of the favorite," Severus offered up before Harry could ask, "you?"
Harry tapped his scar, "my hormones got tran-transmitted through our link. Sent him through a second ad-ado, oh fuck, got him horny as hell. Strange wet dreams. We shagged it out then went back to trying to kill each other. Better than make-up sex."
"Long words too much for you Potty?" Draco slurred, managing only to make sense because everyone else was drinking as well.
Harry flipped Draco off and continued his conversation with Severus, "he was a good bottom."
Severus nodded his agreement, the room spinning slightly, "but a lous—bad top."
Even the potions master wasn't immune to liquors effects. Everyone else in the room was trying hard to block out the conversation about how Voldemort was in bed.
"Moaned like a slut," Harry's voice was dreamy, "he could realllyyy get it uppp."
It sounded as if Harry was about to have a wet dream right then and there.
Severus too, as he added with a delighted shiver, "and the scales on his skin…"
"Enough!" Sirius moaned, face green, "no more bad thoughts, happy thoughts. I never—happy thoughts—I never…never had sex with Granger!"
"I think we broke the mutt," Severus chortled, to the horror of half the room.
Sirius' triumph at changing the subject only lasted long enough for Harry, Draco, Albus, and Minerva to raise their glasses.
"But you don't swing that way!" Remus pouted at Harry, "unless you lied to me?"
Harry shuddered as if experiencing a nightmare, any previous wet waking-dreams about Voldemort getting pushed aside, "played 'I never'. Told everyone I'd never slept with a female and 'Mione decided to re-ectify it."
Draco mumbled something about discovering the differences of purebloods and mudbloods, while Harry countered that by saying Draco just wanted a piece of Gryffindor's slut. Though no one really wanted to know, Albus informed them all about how mature Miss Granger was and promptly blew that image by mentioning the Quidditch stands. As for Minerva, well, Harry wouldn't be visiting her in her office ever again if he could get out of it, it would be bad enough going into the classroom and sitting at the desks.
"Continuing on," Remus broke everyone out of their thoughts, his werewolf enhanced metabolism keeping him the most sober of them, "I've never had sex with a female."
"Not missing much," Harry slurred as everyone except Severus and Professor Sprout drank.
Remus continued to pout at Harry for this until Sirius had enough of it and dragged the unresisting werewolf from the room with a possessive sounding growl of, "mine."
It was about this time that Albus came up wit yet another far-fetched 'I never' that got them all going again.
"I never had sex with the Whomping Willow," it was obvious that lemon drops and fire-whiskey should not be mixed, especially in the case of one very insane headmaster.
Unfortunately for whatever peace of mind anyone in the room might have had left, Professor Sprout swigged down the last of her glass and promptly passed out.
Unsteadily, Harry stood and peered over the table at the Herbology teacher, "don't wanna know. As bad as Dray and the squid."
What to Harry came out as a mumble was loud enough to be heard by all, and Draco retaliated, "least I don't wank off with snakes."
"Parselmouth," Harry shot back as if that explained everything, "and snakes are like long, sinewy, flexible cocks with tongues. Narcisstic ponce."
Evidentially the last meant something to Draco because he began to protest, "it was only once, and the polyjuice wore off partway through. You—"
"Stupefy," Harry muttered before collapsing back into his seat, downing the contents of his glass in one long swallow before looking up at Severus, who was suddenly the only other person left conscious in the room, "where others?"
Severus shook his head, which was resting in his hands, "Filius, Albus, 'nerva…"
Harry grimaced as his mind filled in the blanks. For a long time the room was silent until Severus spoke. The game was over, the spell had broken when Albus left.
"I never fucked a Potter," he offered.
"I never fucked a Snape," Harry countered.
"Want to?" Severus proposed.
"In a cauldron?" Harry wheedled.
Severus shook his head, "bed tonight, cauldron when sober."
"Deal!" Harry took Severus' proffered hand and allowed himself to be dragged to the dungeons, stopping for some drunken snogging on the way, various pieces of clothing marking their passage.
Cautiously house-elves began to pop into the staffroom Albus had chosen to use for the game that evening. Seeing that no one was left awake in the room, they little creatures began to tidy up the room, all except for one house-elf who stared at the full glasses of fire-whiskey upon the table; that charm was still in effect.
"I never..." he began in a tentative squeak as all eyes turned to him.
When Draco woke the next day after Harry's spell wore off, it was to see house-elves passed out all around him. Quickly deciding that he didn't want to know, especially since he was cuddling a naked house-elf in his arms, Draco exited the room to find a toilet to retch in.
Neither Harry or Severus would be seen for a good week, and when they finally emerged from wherever they had holed up Remus expressed his desire to join in for the next round. He had caught sight of the bondage marks still apparent on both Severus' and Harry's skin and it turned him on. The three of them disappeared rather quickly after that and the trio was later discovered to have formed a quartet with Voldemort. Sirius is still trying to get over the loss of his lover and is currently shagging Madam Hooch; students soon learned that it wasn't safe to enter the broom sheds or locker rooms without knocking first if they wanted to retain what was left of their innocence of mind. As for Filius, Albus, and Minerva, you don't want to know.
Posted On: October 11, 2005