..its a spin on the whole rumor that circulated about Jude turning to pills next season ..i have no idea if theres any truth to it but i wanted to write a little something i felt inspired...
Lets set the scene- Jude's pretty much hit rock bottom...Jamie dumped her for Kat...Dad's living with Yvette... her Mothers dating somebody new every week...Eden's trashing her huge time, the press is even worse, and her music isn't what it quite was...Sadie and Tommy are together and seem happy (gag), but Tommy..he wants Jude. and its not lost on her. She knows he wants her, but he just won't do anything about it. He's kissed her, even though he's with Sadie but he apologizes and swears it'll never happen again- basically Tommy's being a confusing MAN (goddamn boys)...everything is slowly breaking jude...she's basically helpless, lost, and without direction...this is how she feels and why she turned to pills..i mean there wud hafta be a reason...i mean shes a teenager...we go thru some rough stuff sometimes...imagine it being done in the spotligghtt...
IMPORTANT AUTHORS NOTEI'm not sure if the 'setup' makes sense... ill try and explain it...the italics is direct thoughts of Judes ...quotations are what somebody is saying... normal font is like whats going on like jude does this who does that... and the bold..hmm the bold It basically outlines how Jude's been feeling and how she's dealing with it and her thoughts about it...its like jude is explaining how she feels from an outside point of view.. she's counseling herself kind of.,..erm i hope that made sense
oh and uber thanks to BeBraveLive4Me...she helped make it perfect...and she pointed something out..this can basically apply to anybody, but its leaned towards jude...but i think on some level we cann all relate to it somehow...
Jude laid motionless on the floor of Studio B. Her arms were sprawled at her sides and her eyes stared upwards at the ceiling. The room was so quiet that Jude could hear the tick tock of the nearby wall clock that read 1:05 AM. Everyone had left G Major, but as always she stuck around way past closing time. It had become her ritual. She had first started because she needed time to herself, to write. But it had evolved into so much more. With her world crashing down around her, this was the only place she could think and be by herself
Tonight was no different. She was alone. With her thoughts. And they came with a vengeance.
Do you ever feel like the world is against you? Like you're this big cosmic joke to everyone? That everyone around you is trying to 'one up' you? Trying to get the best of you? Like your life is a competition?
that you're just not heard sometimes-what you say doesn't hold any significance
and doesn't matter- that you don't matter and all you wanna do is run
But everywhere you turn there's just this wall that you smack into head first. You look at the thick formidable concrete slab to size it up. It's so ominous, so threatening. You start banging your fists against it in vain. You know you'll never knock it down, but you try anyway. You try because you're so goddamn frustrated.
Bang. Bang. Bang.
And you're screaming now. For Help. For Attention. For Recognition.
Bang. Yell. Bang. Yell.
And it's so loud that it makes your head spin and your ears ring, but it's silence for everyone else. They just don't hear it.
And it's like you're small...2 feet tall and you're staring up at everyone and they're oblivious to it all. You're not sure why, maybe they just can't see it or maybe they just don't care.
Jamie and Kat... I'm
willing to bet they didn't care.
I'm willing to bet they didn't care.
There was no one left but yourself and you see yourself falling to pieces-and you can't stop it. It's out of your reach, out of your realm. And god does hitting the bottom hurt like hell.
And the emotions-that's the battle you fight day in and day out. You're temper's escalating, your depression has intensified, your tears have multiplied.
But you're trying so hard to deal with it yourself. To keep it from everyone else. And you think you're doing a good job at it but your body always betrays you. To the untrained eye you seem like you have it all figured out, but that's so far from the truth. So damn far.
Your demeanor changes. Subtly of course. Very few people, if any, would catch on.
He caught on though.
You slouch a little more when you sit, you don't hold your head up as high as you use to. You avoid eye contact. It's the way your voice takes on this sullen tone sometimes. You try to make it chipper and keep the anger, the hurt out of it. But it's becoming increasingly hard. It's the way your songs don't mean as much as they use to, they don't contain as much heart in it. It's the way you smile. It's still the same bare all teeth smile that you've been giving since day one, yet now it's hollow. It's empty and it's only for appearance sake. But nobody realizes it, nobody knows you that well.
But he did.
And you're finding yourself becoming short with everyone around you. Everybody's starting to annoy you. You're inwardly rolling your eyes a lot more and judging the people around you. You start to realize you can't stand them.
Mom...Dad...Sadie...Jamie..Kat...everyone even Georgia...
Yes, he was problem. He knows you too well. You're trying to solve it on your own, but he keeps pushing.
Push Push Push.
He thinks he can break down the wall, but you know better. Sometimes he only makes it harder.
Sometimes? Most of the Time.
He thinks he can help but he's only making you lose your footing on the shaky ground known as life. He's got all the control and he's taking it from you. He's pushing you all right, but in a million directions.
Towards him, away from him. Towards him, away from him.
He hurts you more than anyone. With his questions, with his stares, with his touches, with his kiss.
Damn him, I needed to get him off my back.
Yes, you need a quick solution to convince him you're okay.
So you discover control. Control of your own. That's right, you're offered an answer to all your problems. It's so contained, so easy, so thoughtless, and you like the looks of it, You tentatively dip your foot into it.
Seemed like a good solution.
You dive in without a second thought.
And I'm back to being okay.
Everything's in order now and it's because of you. You get to control your emotions, you get to dictate what you say. It's helping, the control is helping. And it feels good. You're not perfect, your life is far from it, but you're in control. You're able to contain the pain.
But you can't help but wondered how long can you make it look like you've got it all, that you're put together...a day...a week..a month...a year...years? You're betting on years, because it's the only way you won't fall apart.
Yet, even though you think you're on the right track, you still fight for the control. It's there but you have to hold on to it. You're trying so hard to keep it all in check.
Because control is the name of the game.
Don't let them see you break, girl.
But you're waiting with bating breath for that. It's like your waiting for that final push from somebody-
-From somebody to send you over the edge and take away the hold you have on your own life. So you figure out that you really need to kick it up a notch.So you try and project the image of your old self.
You can't help but give a bitter laugh at that. You no longer have any idea what your 'old self' is. It's so buried under everything that it would take something powerful to resurrect it.
So instead you try and be the person you think you should be.
No scratch that
You try and be the person you think everyone else wants you to be.
Because you can adapt..you can change... you can control.
But you're starting to resent control. The seven letter word leaves an acid taste on your lips. You wonder why you need to have control and others don't. And why you have to work so hard at having it when it comes so easily to others.
Like him? Like Tommy?
So tonight, you meet the wall again- but with a vengeance.
Except this time you're hitting it ten times harder. It's not just banging, it's pounding.
Pound Pound Pound
You're suppressed emotions are starting to rise up through you but you ignore it.
Pound Pound Pound Pound...
The pain starts again so you reach to grab the bottle of control...
Jude hurriedly got up from her position on the floor and scrambled to the leather swivel chair that her bag sat on. She furiously dug through the contents looking for the plastic see-through orange bottle with the pristine white cap.
"Where is it.." She mumbled as she checked the numerous compartments of the bag. She shuffled through a hairbrush, pens, mirror, lip gloss, wallet, keys, but nothing. She was becoming frustrated. She needed it now. She could feel the control start to slip away. It's been too many hours since she last took it.
"Where is it?" Her voice was more urgent and her fingers shook slightly as she searched her bag one more time. She gave an agitated huff as she impulsively turned her pocketbook upside down and dumped the contents on the table. She threw it the side as she spread the items out.
You're losing it.
"Damn it!" She exclaimed as she tucked a loose strand of red hair behind her ear. She searched more frantically this time, sending things flying to the floor in the process. "No, no no, I know it's in here." She said to herself, remembering putting it in her bag this morning.
You're losing control fast.
If she could focus and think logically she'd be able to deduct the search was in vain. That obviously her control was no where to be found. But she was so wrapped up in it that she couldn't think calmly. She was so wrapped up in it that she never heard the door open either.
"Where is it!" She roared it this time as she swooped her arm down over the table causing any remaining items to crash on the floor. She watched them hit the ground and heard the breaking of her compact mirror. Her breathing was labored as she furiously ran a hand through her hair. She looked down at the mess she made, not caring about it. Only caring about one thing.
"Looking for this?" Tommy's voice came out as he leaned against the door frame and held out the bottle.
Jude's head instantly sprang up when she heard him. Her mouth dropped open at his sudden appearance. She could sense his controlled anger as he looked at her accusingly.
You've lost it, girl.