Miroku opened one eye when someone sat down across from him. Inuyasha. He sighed and stopped meditating. This was going to take a while. "Is there something I can do for you?" he asked politely.
Inuyasha's cheeks turned red. Blushing? Hm, maybe the meditation could wait a bit longer. He was very curious as to what would make the half-demon turn as red as his clothing. "Um...er, well, see, I was wondering..."
"Yes?" Miroku prompted when an answer was not forthcoming.
"Well, it's like this. Uh, Kigome and I, we're...well, um..."
Miroku sighed and folded his hands in his lap. Yes, this was going to take some time. "Inuyasha, if you can't even tell me your problem, how am I supposed to help? Are you two fighting?" Again, he added silently. He understood some people prefered...rougher treatment, but he had never been one for masochism. Well, with the exception of Sango. Try as he might, she was not succoming to his natural charm. Seduction was a dying art nowadays.
"We've been thinking..."
It took Inuyasha a second before the comment sunk in. "HEY! I'm trying to ask you a question!"
Miroku sighed again. "I apologize. What's your question?"
"I beg your pardon, I didn't quite catch that. Would you mind repeating what you just said?" He'd heard him clearly, he just wanted to make the other squirm a bit.
Gritting his teeth and turning a shade of red Miroku had never seen before, he repeated in a barely restrained voice, "What do you do when a girl wants to have sex?"
Miroku smiled. Ah, yes, a subject he knew PLENTY about. "Are you asking about the physical aspects or the social?"
"Do you need to know what goes where or how to act?" he rephrased.
"Uh...I know what goes where already, thank you very much!"
He feigned wide eyes. "Oh, so you've HAD sex before?"
"Then you've seen it done?"
Miroku smiled again. "Allow me to give you an introduction, then. When a man and a woman-,"
"I don't need to know that," Inuyasha snapped. "I just wanna know...how do I act about it?"
"Before, during or after?"
"All of it! Why are you making this so difficult!"
He blinked, a little offended by the curt tone. "I'm only trying to ascertain where exactly you need my expertise."
Inuyasha let out a big breath. "I need to know how to start it, how to act for all of it, and how to end it. Okay? Does that make sense?"
"Perfect sense. Now, the art to seduction is-,"
"I don't need to seduce her! She's my girlfriend already!"
Miroku smiled patiently and held up a finger to stop any further outbursts. "That is the first mistake most men will make, Inuyasha. A woman, whether you have just met her or she is your wife of fifty years, ALWAYS has to be seduced."
Inuyasha thought that over and made a face. "Really? That's lame."
"Lame, yes, but safe. A woman who is not seduced is a terrifying force to be reckoned with. Take Kigome on a bad day, with PMS and magnify it by ten and that is a woman who doesn't feel as though she's been seduced properly."
Inuyasha's eyes widened and his skin turned very, very plae. "Whoa!"
Miroku nodded sagely. "So, remember to always start by seducing her senses."
"Make it a romantic setting. Flower petals on a bed, a walk into the woods to a meadow, candles everywhere, anything to entice her visually first. Have some simple foods to stimulate her taste. Strawberries and chocolate work very well. Something light and sweet and requiring the use of fingers is what I highly recommend. Touch her, but not in an obvious fashion. Light brushes of fingertips on her hand, the back of her neck, her hair. Compliment her, but not with the usual types of compliments. Compare her beauty to that of the moon and stars, or her smile to a ray of sun in the dark night. Do you understand?"
Inuyasha noded, eyes wide still but with awe. "Damn. You've got me hooked."
Miroku smiled, pleased he had such an attentive student. Perhaps the art of seduction wasn't completely lost after all. "Now, once you have done all these things, you may proceed to making love."
"Do you have to call it that?"
"It is what it is. Calling it sex is very clinical and certainly doesn't cover the magnitude of this step in a relationship. Calling it screwing is completely crass and will only get you a soar crotch and a black eye." He wandered over the few occassions he had made that mistake and shuddered. "No, making love is what it should be called. You do love her, don't you?"
"Very well, then. Start simply. Light kisses, light holding. Let her be the first to make any move forward. Any move on your part will only make you look like a sex-craved idiot."
" Like you?" Inuyasha snickered.
Miroku frowned. "Who came to who for advise?" he reminded the half-breed. "Now, skipping the actual sex itself, it's most important to show you care afterward. Just remember this: keep it simple, stupid. End it as you started it, with very light kisses, staring long into her eyes. Make sure you tell her how you feel about her, too."
Inuyasha was silent and waited. "Anything else?"
He thought about it. The senses, simplicity, sharing emotion..."Oh, yes! Be sure to talk to her."
"Talk to her?"
"Yes. Women insist on it."
Inuyasha nodded, a confused look on his face. "Okay...thanks? Um, you won't say aything about this, will you?"
Miroku smiled. "Of course I won't. Be sure to tell me how everything goes."
"No, I don't need to know about that. Have fun." He smiled to himself as Inuyasha walked away, whistling. Sango watched him with a puzzled look, her eyes drifting over to Miruko who quickly went back to meditating and trying to look innocent. Best not to wake that particular dragon just yet today.
The next day, Miroku went outside to find Inuyasha sitting on the porch of the house they were staying at. "So, how did everything go?" he asked, pleasantly.
Inuyasha scratched his ear visciously, then his elbow before growling, "Horribly! Your advise sucked!"
Miroku frowned. "But, did you do EXACTLY as I said?"
"Every last stupid detail!" he turned to glare at the monk, showing an awful amount of bruising on one side of his face.
Miroku's jaw dropped. Uh-oh. If it went that badly, Kigome might be coming for him next! Still, his advise had been sound. Inuyasha must have forgotten something. "Would you mind telling me what exactly DID happen?"
"Oh, sure! First, I got the idea to leave a trail from her room outside."
"I don't know, some plants I found!"
Miroku shook his head. "Not plants, Inuyasha, FLOWERS!"
"But they're all plants! What difference does it make?"
"All the difference in the world! Flowers are romantic. Grass and weeds are not."
Inuyasha scowled and said, "Well, that wasn't what made her mad! Anyway, she got outside and found the spot I'd picked under the willow tree. I had chocolate and strawberries and shish kabobs-,"
"Shish kabobs?" he interupted, alarmed. No, he didn't...
"YOU said finger food! That's finger food," Inuyasha exploded.
"But, shish kabobs are not ROMANTIC! Shish kabobs are something you can cook her for dinner, but if you're trying to make love to her, they only say you have a steak fetish!" This was not at all what he had been expecting! Regardless of his good intentions, Kigome was DEFINATELY going to have his hide for this!
Inuyasha let out a heavy sigh before scowling again and scratching his arm and then his shoulder. "Well, she and I had some of the crap you told me to get and then we started...you know..."
"Yeah, and that went fine! It was during the actual...stuff that she got mad and beat me up!"
"But...you said you knew what to do! How is that MY fault?"
"It's not THAT part that's the problem! It was that other piece of advise you gave me!"
Miroku searched his memory for what that was. His eyes widened and his jaw dropped. "You...you didn't talk DURING sex, did you?"
"YOU TOLD ME TO!" Inuyasha exploded, jumping to his feet, itching his ear angrily. "YOU SAID TO TALK TO HER!"
"Yes, but not DURING sex! Afterward. For the love of...Inuyasha, what did you say to her?"
"I told her how I felt, just like you said!"
"Yes, but what were the WORDS?"
Inuyasha thought about it, scratching his head. "I said she made me feel horny as a goat. What?"
Miroku smacked his head in his hands and stood up, picking up his staff. "You truly are an idiot, Inuyasha. Horny as a goat? No wonder she beat you up! You might as well have walked up to her and said, 'Hey, let's screw'. You couldn't think of anything more romantic than that?"
Inuyasha's cheeks turned an angry pink. "Hey, YOU try thinking of something clever when you're...damn it!" He itched his neck visciously, leaving long red marks on his skin.
Miroku frowned and nodded toward his neck. "What's wrong?"
"Yeah, that was one more thing. That spot I found was infested with poison ivy!"
Eyes wide and covering his mouth, he said, "NO!"
"Yes! Wanna see for yourself? Kigome was pissed when I told her it was your idea to go outside. That you said it would be more romantic."
Miroku quickly started walking away, down the steps and toward the front gate of the village.
"HEY! Where are you going?" Inuyasha cried.
Without looking back, he called, "I'm getting a head start. I really don't think it would be wise or good for my health to be here when she-,"
"YOU!" Kigome stood in the door to the house, angry red blotches all over her legs and her face. And the eyes...death staring right at him.
"See you in the next town," Miroku shouted as he ran as fast as his legs could carry him down the dir road.