Title: Bob

Rating: PG-13

Pairing: Jayne / River , Mal

Summary: "You seem to be breakin' a lot of rules around here lately. This gonna become a habit of yours?"

"You seen me walking around the ship naked yet?" Jayne retorts.

A/N: I was attacked by rabid bunnies this morning while doing laundry, so this will be the last little story until next week, when I get back. As always, thanks for the reviews and such – they spur me on. This follows the rest of them. Unbetaed, and will remain so until my email is working again.

I need a name for this little series of vignettes – any suggestions?


"I thought I told you I didn't want you touchin' guns!" The captain's voice makes River jump. Across the table from her, Jayne looks up and scowls.

"Can you not sneak up on me when I'm cleaning Vera. Gorram!"

"You're in the common room, I wasn't sneakin' up, and what in the seven hells is she doing with a gun?"

Jayne shrugs, "'Pears to me, she's cleanin' it, Cap'n."

"Yeah, well, tell her to stop cleanin' it and give it back to you."

"She's got ears," River interjects, slowly lifting the small derringer and sighting down the barrel at the Captain, smiling at him, "she can hear. My gun stays with me."

"Whaddaya mean, 'your gun?'" Mal is beside her now, putting his hand out to push the gun down, "and don't point that thing at me – makes me twitchy."

"Jayne say's she's Gertie, but she looks like Bob to me."

"You ain't naming my gun Bob, girl," Jayne frowns at her, "Get that outta your head right now."

"My gun, my choice," River sing-songs back to him, "She wants to be a Bob."

"That's just all-kindsa wrong, listen…"

"You gave her one of your guns?" Mal is looking at Jayne in disbelief, interrupting whatever he was going to say to River. Jayne shrugs and scowls and looks a little embarrassed, all at the same time.

"Yeah. So what? Girl should have her own gun. Maybe if'n she had one, she wouldn't a-gotten shot back at that town. She needs to protect herself, like everyone else on this gorram boat. You got a problem with that?"

"As a matter of point, yes. You forgetting what happens when that little girl has a weapon?"

"She kills a bunch-a Reavers and saves our skins?" Jayne replies, sarcastically.

"Well, that, yeah…but I'm thinking more along the lines of 'turns into a deadly weapon and tries to kill everyone.' You forgetting what happened at The Maidenhead?"

"Not likely," Jayne snorts, "seeing as it was my balls she almost ripped off. She only pointed a gun at you."

"Ta ma de! She could have killed the both of us!"

"Didn't, though," River states. "Couldn't shoot my captain; wouldn't hurt my Jayne."

"You think the nut-twisting didn't hurt?" Jayne is looking at her in disbelief. "Are you crazy?"

His question hangs in the air for a moment, as River looks at him and grins. "Right," he mutters, breaking their eye-contact, "forgot who I was talkin' to for a minute."

"If your brother hadn't shown up and started speaking gibberish at you, you'd have killed us." Mal states this as if it's fact, and pulls out his seat at the head of the table, sitting down.

"Could have killed you before he showed up," River retorts. "Knew you."

There is silence for a few seconds, as both the Captain and Jayne contemplate this statement. Mal has picked up one of Jayne's smaller guns, absently rubbing his thumb across the barrel, before sighing and looking at Jayne.

"You seem to be breakin' a lot of rules around here lately. This gonna become a habit of yours?"

"You seen me walking around the ship naked yet?" Jayne retorts.

Malcolm smirks, "Nope, can't rightly save I have. Xie-xie Ren-ci de Fo-zu."

"Then ya got nothing to worry about." Jayne slides the gun oil over to Mal, along with an extra rag, "Clean Stacey up for me, while you're sitting there, will ya?"

River is humming under her breath now, and Mal starts grinning when he recognizes the tune, before joining in. Jayne is turning slightly red, and trying to ignore the both of them, before he finally gives up with a growl.

"Will you two knock that off?" he barks.

"Like that song," River shrugs, trying to hide her smile as she looks at Jayne from under her eyelashes.

"Mighty catchy little tune," the captain agrees with her, "and so easy to learn. Besides, Jayne – it's not everyday a man gets a song writ about him."

Jayne scowls, but River replies, "Not humming the Jayne song, humming the gun song."

When both men look at her, she grins mischievously and starts singing.

"Jayne bought her some apples
he gave her a hat,
he gave her a gun
and he gave her a cat.
The gun, filled with bullets
will do the job,
It's silver and shiny,
the gun she call's … Bob."

She smiles when the Captain starts laughing, but Jayne is not amused.

"Gorramit, for the last time, you xiong-meng de kuang-ren, you are not naming that gun Bob!"

-fin-

Ta ma de fuck me blind
Xie-xie Ren-ci de Fo-zu Thank-you merciful Buddha
xiong-meng de kuang-ren violent lunatic