Chapter Four – A 'Super Wonderful And Very Fantastic' Chapter
Kankuroo, stoic and sardonic brother of the Sand, had his arms crossed over his chest."And if you help me, I could make it worth your while and…"
Despite the pleasant sunshine beaming down on one of Konoha's most notorious parks, 'Lover's Lake', Kankuroo's mood was as bitter as ever. The fact that Naruto had been sitting next to him on his secluded bench, begging him to be a part of his stupid game, did little to improve his mood. Finally, after he had taken all that he could from Naruto's generous mouth, he acknowledged his requests."Please you got to help me! Sasuke has to be shown…"
And Kankuroo finally clicked.
"Goddamn it, Naruto! You've been pissing me off for the last fifteen minutes! Why the hell are you following us around? If it's Gaara you want, I already told you: he's with the Hokage! I'm trying to relax and Temari's trying to do her exercises- we don't need an annoying loudmouth like you following us around!" Kankuroo exclaimed to the boy.
He clicked his lips and looked at his sister, the lovely Temari, performing a series of exercises designed to improve her ability to concentrate chakra. She was some distance away, so she could not hear what the two boys were talking about.
"Okay, you've got a point. But please, Kankuroo, just hear me out! What I need you to do really isn't that hard and I'm not asking for much. I just want you to witness something! Please help me out here- I can't let Sasuke beat me…" Naruto pleaded.
"Huh! What do I care about your stupid rivalry with that other Konoha kid? What is it that you want me to witness exactly? Something stupid, no doubt," Kankuroo replied.
The two sitting on the bench together were silent for a second. They both looked up at Temari, performing her techniques in a sparse clearing, oblivious to Naruto's most pressing need for her- oblivious to what was in store for her.
"Well, I need you to witness me kiss Temari," Naruto added reluctantly. "If you do this for me, I'll do whatever you want. All you have to do is tell Sasuke that I-"
"You need me to what?" Kankuroo suddenly snapped, staring down his nose at the young boy next to him. He was silent for a second, and for a moment, his stare seemed to burn holes through Naruto's face. "You… want to… kiss… my… sister?"
Both were silent. Kankuroo continued to stare the shorter boy down, while Naruto looked back with a childish, undying smile that shined with his naivety.
"Yeah…" Naruto replied stubbornly. "Exactly."
Kankuroo was silent for a moment.
"WAAAAHAHAHA!" Kankuroo cried as he suddenly burst into tears of laughter.
"What?" Naruto replied, confused at his reaction. "So will you do it?"
Kankuroo calmed himself down and said, "Naruto, if you think you can actually pull something like that off on my sister then I welcome you to try! I am all but willing to be the witness of your attempt and… I definitely won't ask you for anything in exchange. Seeing the look on her face would be enough for me! Wahahaha!"
Kankuroo suddenly fell of his bench, clutching onto his belly and trying hard to wipe the tears from his eyes. He just could not believe what his young friend was proposing.
"Really? Great!" Naruto cheered enthusiastically.
"Oh, kid, I tell you… it's not going to be easy. Temari is as tough as nails and she'll bite your head off if you don't know what you're doing!" Kankuroo gasped, as he waved at Temari after she had cast him a worried glance after falling off of his seat.
"Really? Do you have any tips?" Naruto narrowed his eyes thoughtfully, trying hard to absorb Kankuroo's advice directly into his consciousness.
Such was his burning desire to win against Sasuke.
"Well, I can tell you that she will definitely only consider you if you are a strong man. If you show to her that you are weaker than she is, she will definitely not kiss you. Why, just a few weeks ago, she broke up with her boyfriend because he couldn't do as many push-ups as she could! It's really quite sad, but that how Temari operates."
"Stronger than she is? How do you think I should go about this? Should I challenge her to another push-up duel? How about an arm wrestle or an one-mile dash?" Naruto asked desperately, prodding for a feat that would prove his strength. He had every confidence in his ability.
"No, I am certain she can beat you in all of those without even lifting a finger," Kankuroo replied tiredly.
'No way! She can't be this strong!' Naruto gasped inside.
"What you need to do," Kankuroo began mysteriously, "Is show her that your technique as a ninja is far more advanced than hers. You need to perform a jutsu so strong and so complex, so unlike anything she can even come close to understanding, to impress her heart into desiring you. Trust me, because I know my own sister, kid."
"Really?" Naruto's mind was already itching with possibilities, until it all centered on one obvious path to Temari's heart. "What about the Kage Bunshin?"
Kankuroo chuckled mockingly. "Kid, I've seen that technique way too many times to be impressed by it anymore. Don't even consider how unimpressed my sister would be. You need something more powerful and more flash!"
"How about the Rasengan?" Naruto cried excitedly, flashing an open palm to his informant.
"Won't work- our father used to know someone who could perform the technique and he'd bore us all day with his old-time stories. It just wouldn't hit the spot for her."
"Damn! Those are two of my best techniques! What else can I do?"
"Well, you better learn something quick, kid. You know, I'd definitely love to see you try and pull this thing off, but I got to tell you: Temari and I won't be available for the next few days or so. We've been sent to negotiate a few things with your Hokage, so we rarely get free time like this to relax in your village," Kankuroo quipped, scratching his chin.
"What! You mean you'll be tied up with stupid meetings this whole week? When will you guys be available again?" Naruto cried, feeling anxiety crawl over his body.
"How about this Saturday?" Kankuroo added hesitantly. "This Saturday is our only free day this week. Though you can also choose to wait until this week is over, because we'll be spending the last week of vacation here in Konoha."
Naruto thought to himself. He was already into the second week of vacation. He had wasted his first week recovering from Ino's attack and time had passed rapidly onto Monday of the second week. He couldn't risk making a Temari attempt on the third week, which he had already reserved for his final challenge, Haruno Sakura.
"No! We'll do this immediately! This Saturday is fine! Where and when can I come and meet you and Temari?" Naruto replied quickly.
"Okay, how about we meet again at six in the evening this Saturday. This park is really close to where we're staying, so the meeting place will be here, at 'Lover's Lake'. I'll be watching from the bushes over there and you can make your move on Temari before she's finished her evening exercises to get ready for bed," Kankuroo said, pointing to a large bush that sided over the small, private clearing where Temari was currently training.
"Sounds good! You'll be ready to witness me at six when I score the kiss!"
"Exactly, Naruto. Do your best…" Kankuroo replied with a mysterious tone in his voice. "I'm just dying to rub this into her face if you happen to succeed."
"Right… I'm just doing this to beat Sasuke, I hope you know."
But Kankuroo could not hear Naruto's last statement. He was eager to see what a promising, young man's determination could do to a woman as strong-minded and willed as his sister, Temari. He was just dying to have another gun against her.
"I know the perfect teacher to see for new techniques," Naruto added.
"And for your sake, you better hope your 'perfect teacher' knows something about women," Kankuroo added with a sly cynicism.
"C'mon pervert-sensei! You just gotta teach me some new moves!" Naruto cried at the top of his tiny lungs.
"Naruto…" Jiraiya hissed as he adjusted the lens on his binoculars, " I've already taught you the Rasengan. A move like that is as flashy as they come! And did you really have to bother me now, while I'm conducting my research? This is very… delicate stuff…"
Naruto watched as his old teacher brought a handkerchief to his chin to wipe away the drool coming down his lip. He had had a hard time tracking down his teacher who had carefully hidden himself atop a stone outcrop that overlooked the women's hot springs below. He was conscious of his time restraints and he was determined to get what he wanted from him.
"You don't understand," The young man, murmured back, "I can't let Sasuke beat me. It just wouldn't be fair… I'm desperate, Jiraiya-sensei!"
"You kids and your rivalries… it's all pointless. I was like you once, but then I grew up and realized that I really was the man all that time. I mean, look at Orochimaru: not only is he being a colossal ay-hole by attacking Konoha, but also, doesn't his body seem more feminine than Tsunade's? Just what the heck is this new competition you two are involved in this time? Something ridiculous and childish I bet," Jiraiya scolded.
"I… I need to impress a girl, pervert-sensei. I need to impress her enough to kiss me."
Jiraiya's body froze cold. Silence coated the air like morning frost. Naruto shivered when he saw his master's body become rigid and straight and for a moment, he thought his old master would pass out.
"Ji-Jiraiya-sensei?" Naruto mused worriedly.
Jiraiya swiveled around, seemingly without moving a muscle, to face Naruto fully. His right eye was twitching uncontrollably and freaked out his student to no end.
"Im-impress a… a girl? You need her to kiss you… you say?" Jiraiya said sternly, but with a dreamy disembodiment. "What sort of competition is this?"
"I need to get this girl to kiss me before the week's up, Jiraiya-sensei," Naruto said coolly, but carefully, knowing well that he must have hit a nerve in his teacher.
Both were silent for what seemed like an hour.
Jiraiya released his binoculars and they flung down flaccidly in front of his chest.
"Naruto, my boy! I HAVE BEEN WAITING FOR THIS DAY SINCE I FIRST MET YOU!"
Naruto took a step back, noticing an eerie red aura crawl over his sensei's throbbing face.
"BUNSHIN? RASENGAN? ALL CHILD'S PLAY COMPARED TO THE OTHER TECHNIQUES I KNOW! WAHAHAHA! NOW, LET ME SHOW YOU TRUE POWER! WAHAHAHA! QUICK, LET'S GO! BACK TO MY PLACE!"
"Ji-Jiraiya-sensei? What the heck just came over you? I only asked if you could-" Naruto stuttered to say, reluctance staining his voice.
"COME! I WILL SHOW YOU THE FORBIDDEN TECHNIQUES THAT THE GREAT MONK, CASANARUNOVA-SAMA HAD ONCE WIELDED! THE POWER THAT BRINGS WOMEN EVERYWHERE… TO THERE KNEES!"
And that, dear readers, is exactly what young Naruto poured his blood and sweat into: the forbidden techniques of Casanarunova.
Naruto would learn the hard way that with great power comes great responsibility.
The time had come.
It was six in the evening. It was Lover's Lake.
Naruto scampered over to his temporary ally, Kankuroo, who was readily hidden in the bushes besides the clearing.
"Psst! You just have to witness me do this, okay? Keep your eyes open and don't move from here!" Naruto ordered the other man.
"Can you chill out? I'm definitely going to stay and see what you do next!"
And, as Naruto left the hiding place from the side and began to carefully make his way over to Temari, he could faintly hear him muttering something…
"Dead man walking."
Temari was seated on the grass, in the middle of a chakra meditation exercise, when Naruto stumbled upon her. Her large, fear-inspiring fan stabbed into the ground beside her, as if it were an open sign that warded off people that would disturb her.
"Te-Temari-san, it's me, Naruto. We need to talk for a second," Naruto began.
Temari did not open her eyes.
"I saw you with my brother earlier this week. What exactly is this about?" She said coolly and without moving a muscle.
"Well, er, to be honest. I was just kind of interested in how your training was going and wanted to see what kind of new jutsu you have been working on since we last met."
"Really?" She replied with mock sarcasm, opening an eye to see if he was really serious. "No offense, but I think most of what I have learnt would be too advanced for you."
Naruto thought for a second, then smiled back at her with a subtle cocky glee.
"Well, no offense to you, Temari, but it just so happens I've been working on a few new techniques myself! Techniques that'd definitely blow your mind!"
Temari felt the confidence swell within him and opened both eyes to show her frustration. She thought about standing up, but thought better.
"Leave me alone, kid. You're disturbing my training," She muttered dismissively.
Naruto thought quietly for a few seconds before saying:
"How about this? We have a technique match!"
"A technique match?" She muttered back, her eyes refusing to close shut.
"You perform a technique, then I try to match it or do something more flashier. If I don't manage to match your technique, then… then I get a letter! Then it becomes my turn, and you have to match one of my techniques! First one to spell the word 'nin' loses! Got it? Oh! And the loser has to do anything the winner wants…"
'Does this kid really think he can defeat my technique,' Temari laughed inside.
She smiled and, for the first time since he had seen her, moved her body and got to her feet. As she brushed herself off, she said, "Who will be our judge?"
"Ju-judge?" Naruto mused curiously.
"Kankuroo, my brother, will watch us. He's always hiding somewhere nearby, I'll call him- Kankuroo! Kankuroo, get your butt in here!" Temari cried out to the evening park.
Naruto cleared his throat.
In a ruffle of leaves, Kankuroo appeared out of nowhere, directly between the two competitors. He gave Naruto a sly wink, indicating that he was still able to bear witness and that he understood what was going on since he had listened to their conversation.
Temari hurriedly explained what would be expected of her brother, even though it was no use, seeing as he had been listening the entire time.
"Okay! I'm first, Naruto! See if you can match this!" Temari declared defiantly. "Chakra Blast!"
The young woman spun around and forced her two arms into the air in front of her, producing a blast of chakra that illuminated their field for quite some time. It looked way flashier than Naruto's own Rasengan and at least five times as big!
Naruto looked down and thought about his increased repertoire of moves.
"Okay… Forbidden Technique: Fabulous Mystical Rose Garden Of Love!"
Kankuroo and Temari wrinkled their faces at the strange call. (As a side note, our translators sweated with nervousness, trying to interpret the strangely named moves.)
Suddenly, the air became thick with an all-encompassing scent of wildflowers and spring. Then, in twelve puffs of smoke that surrounded the two competitors, appeared twelve scantily dressed young women, each one more luscious and ravaging than the last. Each was covered in leaf bikinis and flashed a gorgeous smile to Naruto, before proceeding to prance towards Temari with pearly smiles, to throw roses at her feet, disappearing back into thin air as they did so, but not before launching kisses into the air.
Naruto fell down on the ground, his chakra reserves slightly expended, but still fine.
Temari was shaking, her face a contorted twist of confusion and bewilderment. She turned to her brother to see what he could make of it.
Kankuroo had already fainted onto his back because of the blood loss from his nose. Luckily, he still had the strength to point to the male competitor and mutter:
"Okay, Temari," Naruto smiled through gritted teeth. "See if you can match this!"
Temari braced herself and stared at him with a serious gaze, not willing to underestimate him again.
"Forbidden Technique: Super Wonderful And Very Fantastic Temptation Maneuver!" Naruto cried, closing his eyes shut and keeping his hands in the 'fox' seal.
"The what?" Temari wheezed, before several puffs of smoke plumed behind Naruto.
Kankuroo sniffed at the air, noticing the familiar wildflower scent hanging over the air again.
Suddenly, Naruto was surrounded by another bevy of young, attractive girls, each one dressed in middle-eastern, belly-dancer garb, slyly motioning to the girl with a single-fingered 'come here' motion. It was really quite disturbing. When Temari began to squirm at the strange feelings boiling within her while beholding such a provocative sight, she felt something touch her shoulder. She wheeled around with an alarmed gasp, and saw two of the girls from Naruto's jutsu holding her shoulders and kissing and licking the back of her neck. They held her from the waist and urged her to move closer towards Naruto and the larger pack of seductive beauties. It was all quite weird.
Then, just as Temari was being herded closer and closer towards Naruto's army, the jutsu ended and, in puffs of smoke, the girls disappeared.
"Well?" Naruto panted, opening his eyes. "Your turn to match me!"
Temari, who was still shaking off the strange choking feeling in her chest, turned to Kankuroo, who had fallen on his face in a pool of his own blood.
"Okay! I can… still win… this… Chakra Typhoon! Let the winds roar!" Temari cried, wielding her huge fan and swinging it with effortless might.
Naruto and Kankuroo looked on, but nothing much else happened. A cool breeze blew through and made the two boys feel slightly refreshed, but nothing much else.
'My… my chakra… what did Naruto's jutsu do to my concentration?' Temari panicked.
"Naruto gets the point!" Kankuroo cried without hesitation. "Temari gets the letter 'N'!"
"My turn!" Naruto said without pause. "Forbidden Technique: One Thousand Incredibly Good-Spirited Pick-up Lines!"
"What the…?" Temari gasped.
The scent of wildflowers blanketed the air again and this time Naruto's crazy group of sexy, sexy women appeared behind him one by one, each one dressed in tattered and torn Japanese traditional robes and kimonos. The girls didn't seem to be bothered at all by the condition of their clothing, judging by the ludicrous smiles on their faces.
"Not again!" Kankuroo cried, collapsing against a tree in a torrent of nosebleed.
And suddenly, the girls, which had packed up to a great many behind Naruto, pranced up to Temari and, as they passed her, projected seductive whispers into her ear. Temari tried hard to shut her ears to the wisps of smoke that exited their mouths, but she could not stop them from snaking inside her mind.
"Will you be mine forever, Temari-sama?"
"I want you, Temari-sama, kiss me, please?"
"No other man can have you, Temari-sama…"
"You mean the world to me, Temari-sama…"
"Marry me, Temari-sama!"
God, it was disturbing.
Then, the jutsu ended, with Naruto falling on his knees again before another load of women could confess their love for Temari.
Temari tried hard to turn her head, but she found herself shaking in her spot, her knees threatening to buckle under the weight of her tenderized soul. Then, she heard her brother murmur, with all of his strength…
"Temari's… turn… to match! Gah!"
"I… err… I…" Temari struggled for words and then dropped her large fan, unable to bear it's awesome burden no longer. "I can't… focus… I can't fight…"
"Then… Temari gets… the letter 'I'!" Kankuroo snapped, his voice cracking as he collapsed again in a splurge of blood.
Suddenly, the young woman snapped into a desperate focus as she saw Naruto regaining his feet, his hair dramatically swept over his face to cover his eyes, burning with a fierce chakra.
"Wait! This is outrageous! Those aren't real techniques! What the-" Temari began, but was cut off when Naruto performed his next and final jutsu: the finishing move.
"Then this game is over, Temari! Forbidden Technique: Ridiculously Powerful One Million Kiss-Kiss Technique From The Eternal Lover Of The Shadow's Love Potion Hypnosis Technique That Curses For A Thousand Years! Release!" Naruto cried, melodramatic tears streaming down his face as he did so.
Really, there were no words to explain the incredible drama of the moment.
The familiar scent came over the clearing and the same puffs of smoke surrounded Naruto and Temari. Then, suddenly, uncountable groves of sexy, young women began to appear everywhere, each one clothed only by the smoke they had appeared in. And as they all turned to face Temari, their target in the center, they all invisibly whispered the same thing in her mind.
"You cannot resist Uzumaki-sama."
"You want Uzumaki-sama to be yours."
"You need Uzumaki-sama's kiss to live!"
Temari struggled to fight the one million voices, rubbing her head vigorously and with an intense drive to survive. Before long, the voices had broken through and had begun to drive her insane. Soon there was only one thing in her mind.
"Naruto. I need… Naruto! Argh! Ah!"
She turned to her brother, who had dropped into an unrecoverable coma, and then to Naruto, who was fighting hard to regain his composure under the incredible strain of the jutsu he had enacted.
"Kiss… must… kiss… Naruto…" Temari struggled to fight against herself, but found the need, nay, the very hunger within her was just too strong to resist.
And just as Naruto's chakra had exhausted itself and the clearing returned to normal, Temari did not. The same two words coalesced in her mind as she watched Naruto struggle to regain his feet and smile at her and cast a worried look at Kankuroo.
The same two words as he gazed upon his full, red lips.
The same two words as he gazed upon his deep, blue eyes.'Kiss… Naruto…'
When Naruto finally noticed that Temari's body posture had changed weirdly and he saw the strange look in her eyes, it was all he could do to bring his arms to his face and scream with horror and fright:
"Wait, Temari! Wait! Slow down! The jutsu… I didn't know it would go this far…!"
And no one was there to hear his blood-curdling scream. Not the people in their houses, nor the poor, unconscious Kankuroo.
And only when Temari began singing something under her breath, did Naruto really fear for his life.
"Temari and Naruto, sitting in a tree…"
Naruto awoke in a hospital bed.
He looked up at the occupant of the bed next to him: a large, dark man.
"Kankuroo?" He asked to the figure in the bed beside him.
"Naruto… you're awake… I… we… blacked out…" Kankuroo groaned.
Naruto thought for a second then panicked as much as his strained body would allow.
"You mean you didn't see anything?" Naruto coughed.
"No… I'm sorry, Naruto… but don't worry… I'll tell him, you got it… It's the least I could do for… for showing me what heaven looks like…"
Naruto moaned in pain, but then felt exhaustion taking him away into another, darker world.
And as Naruto began to put his sore body to sleep, he heard the doctors outside saying:
"Put her in observation, she's become very disturbed. She won't stop saying his name for some reason… I'm sure it'll wear off after a while, right?"
"Hopefully," The other doctor concurred.
And that, my friends, was the story of how Temari came to develop a secret crush for our favorite ninja-boy.