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Title: Beware, Do Not Read These Letters
Genre: Humor (hopefully)
Rating: K
Characters: Everyone

Disclaimer: I think we all know that I do not own Phantom of the Opera. I just say I do, until I see the scary looking lawyers glaring at me sigh Only the crazy plot is mine.

A/N This story idea came to me from no where, I think that I might have been under the influence of Mountain Dew, but I'm not sure anymore. Anyway, I'm insane if you couldn't have guessed that by now. Then again so are you for reading this story. Laughs This is my first story on Fan I had lots of fun writing it, and I hope you guys enjoy reading it. I f you don't then please don't flame me. Although I do appreciate constructive critisism. So read and enjoy!

BTW: We're going to pick on Raoul first. No offense to Raoul fans.

Dear Mr. Andrew Lloyd Weber

Um, well, I guess that I should thank-you for making me the star in your new movie. You know, the triumphant hero who spirits the beautiful, talented, diva away from the clutches of a cruel madman. Yet, I still have a few issues with your musical. Let me explain myself.

First of all, what is with the whole long hair thing? It totally took my manliness level down! What do people think when they see a wimp with long hair, blue eyes, starring in a musical /Pause/ I'll let you come up with your own conclusions on that one. If you can't, then feel free to ask any one of the numerous phan girls whom daily try to strangle me! I'm sure that they would love to clue you in.

Next complaint. I'm the hero, but I almost get strangled! Why! Good is supposed to triumph over evil. Not cry while their girlfriend begs the bad guy to spare them! It was hardly even a fight. I was so unbelievably pathetic. /Author agrees with him, yet keeps typing anyway./ Even the few Raoul fans out there cringed when they saw that part. "Keep your hand at the level of your eyes." Does that sound familiar? I was warned by Madame Giry and countless others throughout the course of the movie to keep my hand at the level of my eye. Yet, you couldn't even have me follow simple instructions. When I finally put my hand up, I keep it two feet away from where it would do me any good! Blows out a frustrated breath as he prepares to continue.

Next thing: Christine. You know, the beautiful, sweet, innocent girl whom I am engaged to. /She currently has me wearing a hot pink suit, and fuzzy bunny boots to our wedding. I don't know how I am going to get out of this one without her running straight back to Erik. Although I think even the Phantom would cringe at marrying Christine in that outfit/ -anyway- She is totally obsessed with the insane masked man! Why was I so crazy about her anyway? I'm rich, handsome, and rich, sweet, and rich, kind, and still very filthy rich! I could have had any girl that I wanted, and yet I settle for little miss fickle. Author thinks that Raoul is incredibly lucky to get any girl, but doesn't say anything Christine, who has the emotional stability of a psychopath. Christine, who fainted at the sight of herself in a wedding dress. Christine, who believed that a masked murderer was an angel! His voice isn't even that good. I can sing better than him. /Author stops writing as enraged phan girls sneak up behind Raoul with Punjab lassos ready. Author beats them away with a stick. You can't kill him until he finishes the letter/

/Author gives up fighting off phan girls, and instead goes to erase the last line./ In both Susan Kay's and Gaston Leroux"s version of "Phantom" I am described as being incredibly handsome. In the movie shudders I wasn't even close to looking as good as I was described to look. I have long hair. Long blonde hair, bulging eyes, and a receding hairline. /A/N If anyone has seen a picture of Patrick Wilson, then you will know what I am talking about./ A huge forehead, and a pointy nose! I'm like the wicked witch of the Opera House. Even the Phantom looks better than me. If you disagree with this statement, then once again, I'm sure the murderous phan girls would love to tell you otherwise. I'll refer you to them.

So please, in the interest of my characters pride, happiness, and safety. /Raoul looks at the stalking phan girls uneasily./ I beg you to reshoot the movie.

I remain truly yours,
The non-wimp, so-not-gay, unbelievably handsome, Vicomte Raoul De Changy

Did you enjoy? I hope you did. Please leave a review on the way out /Author sits back and prays for good reviews./