Title: I Feel Like A Woman

Author: Kamquat Banana

Summary: Arty wakes up feeling not quite himself… Are the LEP somehow behind this abrupt change? Will Artemis ever go back to normal? Will he ever discover the proper way to put on pantyhose? Find out! (AU, obviously) (Set after Opal Deception)

A/N: Okayyy… This was just a very random idea of mine that refused to go away until I had written it down (at four in the morning… ugh). I'm sure it's been done before; I just wanted to do it again! For those of you reading 'Obliviate', don't worry, I am not in any way abandoning it, I just had to put this up for a bit of fun… Hope you all enjoy! I know I will…

DISCLAIMER: If I owned them I would be signing autographs right now, not writing some crappy disclaimer. So yeah… -sighs- I do not own any of it.

Artemis Fowl Junior yawned widely as a bright beam of sunlight escaped from behind the thick black curtains, shining directly on the sleeping youth. Muttering sleepily, the Irish millionaire staggered out of bed and towards the private bathroom.

A quick brushing of the teeth… A splash of cold water on the face… A hasty look at the mirror… And Artemis was ready to go. Wonderfully low-maintenance.

Glancing in the mirror, the teen absentmindedly tucked a stray lock of long, black hair back and peered at the reflection.

Long… hair… Frowning, still half-asleep, the young Fowl re-assessed the reflection shown in the glass, sensing something not quite right…

Angelina Fowl was woken by a loud scream emitting from her only child's bathroom, a scream that was distinctly high-pitched.

Yup. Artemis Fowl was just your average fourteen-year-old girl.


Far below the ground, a centaur, a fairy and a sprite crowded around a small plasma TV that was, at the moment, broadcasting live surveillance of a certain mud boy. Actually, a certain mud girl.

Foaly shook with laughter, his hooves stamping the ground as he watched the expression on the girl's face turn first to incredulity, then doubt, then fear, then growing horror as she stood, transfixed, in front of the bathroom mirror.

On the other side of him, Chix Verbil was snorting so loud that he shot into the air a few feet with each grunt of laughter, his mended wing fluttering gently.

Holly Short was having a hard time not laughing herself, at the sight of the pompous Artemis Fowl with long, unkempt hair and pink, curved lips. The look of disbelief on Artemis' face was so overwhelming; Holly had the urge to leap out shouting, "April Fools!"

However she held her tongue, for as humorous as the situation was, she almost felt sorry for the mud teenager.


If it weren't for the itty-bitty fact that Artemis sorely deserved it.

After defeating the mad revenge-seeking pixie Opal Koboi for once and for all, Artemis had vowed to start a fresh, incorrupt life. All had gone well for some time; Artemis finding and giving back famous stolen paintings and keeping in touch with Holly to help with her latest business endeavor.

And then… disaster.

Commander Ark Sool had done the unthinkable… banned all human contact with fairies, regardless of the purpose. There had been protests, most strongly from Holly and Foaly, but Commander Sool had never liked Artemis or Butler particularly, and protests of Artemis' innocence would do nothing to change that. It was obvious that this law was strictly against Artemis, considering that no other mud people were aware of the People's existence.

So Artemis had taken it as what it was; a personal affront.

He'd blown into Haven, Captured Commander Sool, and blown out. No one had heard of the fairy since, all though it was rumored there was a new act in a certain aboveground circus.

Now naturally there had to be punishments for this sort of thing, and the officials in charge of the case were not at all amused. They had wanted to sentence Artemis to years, if not a lifetime, in jail, but Foaly and Holly and even Mulch had pleaded and cajoled and gotten the sentence reduced. They weren't sure why they had stuck up so firmly for the boy, except that having Artemis Fowl as a friend was a worthwhile thing. And… truth be told, he was a likeable mud boy, underneath all that cold wit and sarcasm.

It was Holly who had thought of the old punishment they used to serve upon those who had performed an outrageous deed, yet harmed nobody. Sure, it was unorthodox, but with Artemis Fowl things were bound to get a little weird.

And as Foaly put it, "He was just asking for it with a name like that."


Artemis stared with extreme horror at the mirror, mind furiously contemplating the possibilities.

One: This was someone's (probably Juliet's) sick idea of a joke. Oh, how fun! Let's scare Arty half to death with a cursed mirror!

Two: This was someone else's (most likely one of her many business enemies') sick idea of revenge. Or blackmail. Or both.

Three: This was a dream.

Artemis sighed, relieved. She… HE… was obviously still soundly asleep in HIS bed, dreaming this entire bizarre predicament. All he had to do was wake up…

Squeezing her eyes together tightly, she concentrated on the familiar bed; the feel of the sheets; the warm pillow beneath her resting head…

Urgh. Why was it you can never wake up when you really, really want to? Sighing, she tried again, thinking of her mother gently calling, waking her from her deep slumber…

"Artemis… Arty…"

It was working! She could her Angelina's voice! Opening her ice blue eyes expectantly, Artemis was shocked to discover herself still standing in the bathroom, her long raven tresses clearly reflected in the mirror.

"Arty, are you okay up there? I heard a scream… What's going on?" her mother's voice echoed through the hall, as her soft footsteps approached the bedroom door…

"Is everything all right?"

Think, Artemis, think! 'No Mother, I've just discovered I am entirely the wrong gender' didn't seem quite the answer she was looking for.

"I'm… I'm… fine," Artemis squeaked, loathing the annoying pitch of her voice. Attempting to lower her voice back to its usual tones, she muttered, "Just… shaving."

"Is something wrong with your throat?" Angelina asked worriedly. "Because there's a nasty cold going around… Honey? Almost finished your legs?"

The teenager nearly choked at her mother's concerned words. Not because her mother was concerned, of course. That was one of the things Artemis was finally enjoying; having her mother around to fuss and worry over her instead of lying stiffly in bed, staring at Artemis as though she had never seen her own child before…

The girl quickly cut that thought off, feeling the constricting feeling in her chest that occurred every time she… well. Enough said.

No, the Irish youth was more concerned by the fact that her mother had just asked if she was done shaving her legs. Something she (hopefully) would not ask of her teenage male son…

Swallowing faintly, the Fowl heir considered the possibilities. There was really only one (discounting the far-fetched theory involving feminine beauty products and a gay bar. Because Artemis really, really hoped things hadn't gotten to that point).

Angelina, and possibly the whole world, believed Artemis to be a teenage girl. Either this was one hell of a nightmare, or…

Giving a little wail of frustration, the girl genius stomped out of the bathroom. She was so not a morning person.

A/N: Blame the plot bunny! –flails arms in pink fluffy bunny's direction- It was all his fault! Anyway, this was, as I said, some random idea and I'm not sure if it will work… Review if you would like to see more. I was thinking crushes, gym class and a school dance… Poor Arty. How I love to torture her.