Title: A Pirate's Life
Author: Shannon/Raindrops on Roses
Category: Humor, Alternate Universe
Fandom: Stargate SG-1
Author's Notes: Written for fanfic100 on LiveJournal. The first in a series of AU fics. About Sam and Vala: Space Pirates. Also, SG-1: Fugitives From the Law.
The first time she laid eyes on her, she fell in love.
She was beautiful. Sleek, slim--absolutely magnificent.
Sam turned to her partner. "Please?" she begged with wide blue eyes.
The black-haired woman raised an eyebrow. "Do you know the amount of security that's probably on that thing?"
"Do you know how much firepower's probably on that thing?" Sam retorted.
Vala's eyes lit up. While Sam liked ships that were fast and maneuverable, her partner (in business both legitimate and not-so-much) liked to blow things up.
"So what's your plan?"
Sam grinned. "Same as last time."
"Didn't you get your arse kicked last time?"
She shrugged. "Hey, I gave as good as I got. And we got what we wanted, didn't we?"
Vala sighed. "I suppose so. Got a tidy bundle for it, too."
"It's always about the money with you, isn't it?" Sam teased.
"I don't hear you complaining."
"You will if I don't get my hands on that ship."
"Then stop drooling so we can get this over with."
They were on the bridge. Sam, predictably, was squealing over the technology--which was quite shiny and new--and Vala was seated in a chair. She liked the chair. It spun in circles.
"You know, I have a really bad feeling about this," Vala said. She leaned her head back and watched everything spin by upside-down.
Sam looked up sharply. "Don't say that! Every time you say that, something horrible happens."
"That's not true!" Vala replied indignantly. "There was that time where... no, wait, we got shot down, didn't we? How about... no, that was the time we were ambushed by five guys with big guns..."
Sam shook her head and went back to the display panel. There was a big blinking red light coming up behind them. A ship was on their tail, and it wasn't slowing down.
She sighed. "I have a bad feeling about this."
"Told you so!" Vala cried triumphantly.
"Shut up and power up the weapons system," Sam snapped.
"Oooh, you know I love it when you talk tough," Vala purred.
"Don't try that feminine wiles crap on me, Vala Mal Doran," Sam replied severely.
"Why so growly all of a sudden? Afraid your new toy's going to be taken away?"
"You do realize that if my 'new toy' is taken away, we'll be either on board an enemy ship, or floating out in the vacuum of space, right?"
Vala shut up.
The communications screen turned on with nary a flicker. Sam decided she was going to give whoever it was the ride of their lives. This was her ship, damn it. Finders keepers, after all.
"Unknown vessel, this is the Icarus. Please identify yourselves."
"What's our name?" Sam asked Vala.
"I don't know, but I hope it's better than Icarus," Vala replied.
Sam shrugged. "Icarus, this is the Aphrodite. What seems to be the problem?"
Vala smirked. "Good one."
"Well, I was going to use Artemis, but..." The look of disgust on Vala's face made Sam laugh. "Yeah, I thought that'd be your reaction."
The communications officer on the Icarus looked bemused by this exchange. "Well, um, we just wanted to, uh, thank you for saving us."
The two women looked at each other. "Well, that's a first," Vala finally said.
Sam turned to the screen. "You're thanking us for stealing a ship?"
Another face appeared behind the first. "That's what Danny's saying." The gray-haired man clapped a hand on the younger man's shoulder. "So what are you lovely ladies doing going around and stealing ships?"
"You've never heard of us? I am shocked and appalled," Vala said, moving behind Sam. "I'm Vala, and this is my good friend Sam."
"Wait--the pirates?" Danny blurted.
Vala looked offended. "We are not pirates! We are independent traders!"
"You hijack ships and steal everything that's not bolted down!"
"That's not true! We always leave enough food and fuel for the crew to get home! Don't we, Sam?"
Sam nodded. "We do have morals, you know."
"You killed those men back on the planet!" Danny was outraged. The other man just seemed amused.
"They're not dead. They're just stunned."
The older man blinked. "Did you just make a Monty Python joke?"
"You watch Monty Python?" Danny asked.
"Oh, for cryin' out loud, Daniel! Did you think I only watched hockey?"
"That's all you ever talk about! Well, that, and The Simpsons."
Sam blinked. A memory niggled at the back of her mind. The two men continued to bicker.
Vala interrupted as only Vala could. "Did you know that your ship looks almost exactly like a giant space penis?"
Sam covered her face and laughed as the men turned to the screen, stunned.