Malfoy, Snape & Pettigrew Bash-a-thon

Kitty: (waves) Heysies, everyone! It's time for the third annual Bash-a-thon! Hosting this celebration today are moi, the1koolkitty, and my loverly authoress friend, SGCred!

Claire: (waves) Hey, guys! So flattered to be here. (grins)

Yugi: We, of course, are delighted to have Claire here with us-

Seto: Duh. She's the one who wrote the stories about our girlfriends and us.

Melisanne: But that's not the only reason.

Seto: Isn't it?

Melisanne: Seto! (whacks Seto in the back of the head)

Seto: OW! What?

Claire: (snickers) She's generally quiet and sweet, though fair warning, that doesn't mean she's completely docile.

Seto: Now you tell me.

Melisanne: (glares at Seto reproachfully) Anyway… (smiles at the audience) The three bashing guests for this revelry are Malfoy the Ferret, Snape the Slimeball and Pettigrew the Rat…

Claire: …who are hanging out with us, anxiously awaiting your most wonderful forms of bashing. (gestures to Malfoy, Snape and Pettigrew, all being hung from the ceiling)

Pettigrew: (tied up by his rat tail and crying) WAH! GET ME DOWN FROM HERE!

Malfoy: (tied up by his leg and crossing his arms) Oh, just shut the fuck up.

Snape: (tied up by his hair and fuming) I swear, when I get my wand back…

Kitty: You'll what? Sectumsempra me? My dear sir, no kind of Dark Arts spell will ever get through the protection over me.

Snape: And what protection is that?

Kitty: The power of Yugi's love. (glomps Yugi and grins)

Snape: (sweatdrop) Gag me.

Atem: (gags him) Don't mind if I do: your voice is getting annoying.

Snape: (glares at Atem and struggles against his bonds) MURPH!

Claire: Let's start the bashing, shall we? (picks up a box) We'll draw from this box to see who will go first.

Mokuba: Ooh! Ooh! Can I pick the name, Claire? Pleeeeeeeeeeeease?

Claire: Of course you can. (offers Mokuba the box)

Mokuba: (reaches his hand in and picks out a name) ANAYAS-CREATER!

Kitty: Alright then…Seth, will you release the prisoners?

Seth: (smirks and pulls a lever)

Snape, Malfoy and Pettigrew: (fall from the ceiling) AHHH- (fall face-first into the ground) Ow.

Claire: A friend of Hagrid's is coming over soon, so these three should look their best. (takes out her wand) RIDDIKULUS!

Snape, Malfoy and Pettigrew: (are suddenly dressed in Neville's grandmother's clothes)


Kitty and Claire: (whack Malfoy hard with drumsticks)

Malfoy: OOOWW! What was that for!

Claire: NO ONE disses crossdressers around us-

Kitty: -'cause you mock the elegance and beauty of Angel from RENT, and for THAT, you will pay!


Kitty: And what, pretell, happened to your father the last time he was involved in one of my Bash-a-thons?

Malfoy: (goes white) Er


Lockhart: (immediately jumps to is feet, 4-D once more) BARK! BARK, BARK!

Lucius: What the-?

Malfoy: Dad, I suggest you run.

Lucius: Why would I?

Malfoy: Because Lockhart thinks he's a dog and will try to eat you now that you smell like gravy.

Lucius: That's ridiculous, no one would- (Lockhart bites him in the butt) AH! MY ASS!

Malfoy: I TOLD YOU SO! (runs away, Lucius and Lockhart right behind him)


Malfoy: (sweatdrop) Oh, damn it all.

Snape: (still gagged) MURPH!

Claire: What? You say that you'd like to meet that friend of Hagrid's? Very well! (calls off-stage) OH, ARAGOG!

Malfoy: Aragog? Who's Aragog?

Pettigrew: I don't like the sound of this…

Snape: (nods in agreement) Murph.

Aragog: (somehow is able to appear in Kitty's room) FOOD!

Snape, Malfoy and Pettigrew: AHHHHHHHHHHH! (run away, Aragog after them)

Kitty: (looking away from the door and trembling) Is he gone?

Yugi: It's okay now, Kitten.

Kitty: (sighs in relief and opens her eyes) That's good…Aragog isn't that bad of a spider…but he's still a spider. (shivers)

Seth: Ron-kun would agree with you.

Yugi: (cuddles his girlfriend to calm her down) It's okay Neko-chan, hush now.

Kitty: (snuggles and purrs)

Claire: Aww, kawaii! (grins)

Seto: Oh, give me a break. That's just sweet enough to make you sick.

Melisanne: (blinks) Oh, so when we cuddle up you want to be sick as well? (cute pout)

Seth and Mokuba: (sniggering)

Seto: (flusters) No! Of course not! (holds her because he hates the pout) That's different all together…and will you two stop that!

Seth and Mokuba: (stop sniggering)

Seto: What is your problem?

Seth: Hikari, you really are a hypocrite. You complain about others showing public affection when you tend to get a little carried away yourself. (chuckles)

Seto: I DO NOT! (cheeks redden)

Seth: I'm inside your head while it's happening: I should know, though I won't describe anything in case there are young readers looking at this…

Mokuba: And I sneak downstairs and spy on you two from the banister. (giggles)

Melisanne: (blushes, secretly glad her siblings are not there)

Seto: Argh! This is all your fault- (turns to blame Yugi and Kitty but goes silent)

Yugi and Kitty: (lying sprawled out on the floor in a very intimate make-out position)

Claire: Oh boy… (censors detail from readers)

Seto: Oh, for the love of…(turns to Atem) Can't you do anything to stop this!

Atem: You have it easy, try living in the same house as them…I can't go anywhere without walking in on them doing certain unmentionable things.

Seth: Can't you just tell them to stop? He is your Hikari, cousin…

Atem: …And because he is my Hikari I know better than to disturb him. (shudders) You don't want to see Yugi being aggressive.

Claire: (sighs) Well, we kinda need them for the rest of the Bash-a-thon, so we'll have to break them up.

Melisanne: But how?

Claire: Like this. (inserts disc into DVD player) I hate breaking up the cuteness, but I have no choice. (sighs, pressed play and Phantom of the Opera starts, Gerard Butler on screen singing)

Kitty: (hears Gerard Butler singing) ERIK! (jumps out of Yugi's arms to watch DVD)

Yugi: (blinks) Kitten? (sad pout)

Claire: Sorry Yugi, but the Bash-a-thon must continue, so you have to wait…

Yugi: Not fair!

Claire: Wait till afterwards…

Yugi: She might be too busy later… (sulks)

Claire: (whispers) Not if you wear those Mark glasses. (winks)

Yugi: (grins) Yippee! (fantasizes about candles, strawberries and whipped cream for later on)

Atem: (groans) I'm not going to get a wink of sleep tonight…

Snape, Malfoy and Pettigrew: (run back into Kitty's room and try to dive under Kitty's bed to hide from Aragog)

Kitty: (manages to turn her attention back to the bashing instead of Gerard Butlers wonderful singing, with a LOT of difficulty) Oh no you don't! Guys, if you wouldn't mind.

Seto, Atem and Yugi: (nod and grab them before they can escape under Kitty's bed)

Pettigrew: Please! I'll do anything! Just don't let that thing eat me!

Seto, Atem and Yugi: (toss the three into the air so that they hang on Kitty's chandelier)

Seth: (sighs) I better go and renegotiate the fresh meat we promised…we can't really kill them, after all, we still need them for the rest of the Bash-a-thon and the fics… (leaves)

Seto: (reaches his hand into the box of names and picks one out) Looks like Kyte is next…what's that girl got up her sleeve this time?

Claire: (smirks) She planned out something special for each of them.

(Snape, Malfoy and Pettigrew look scared)

Malfoy: Oh shit. That's that crazy girl who made Lockhart bite my dad in the ass, isn't it?

Kitty: (smirks) You're right, Mr. Malformed Dragon, it is.

Malfoy: We're screwed.

Kitty: I think the only person who might want to screw any of you would be my loverly sister Emessa-chan…but whatever. Let's get onto this bashing. (snaps her fingers and a large, deep pool appears in her room)

Claire: Snivallus…it's time for you to wash your hair. (snaps her fingers and Snape is released from the chandelier and falls into the pool)

Snape: (splutters and mutters through his gag) Murph, murph, murph, murph-murph!

(A shark fin appears above the water and chases Snape around the pool)


Pettigrew: (trembling all over)

Kitty: Oh, don't worry, Wormtail…you're not going to be chased by sharks.

Pettigrew: (whew)

Kitty: But hey…my name is Kitty…and to a rat no kitty is trustworthy. (picks up a little plastic ball usually used as a hamster toy) Now get in.

Pettigrew: (shakes his head fervently)

Claire: Would you rather go to my house in Britain with the underground torture chamber?

Pettigrew: (squeaks) Okay, okay! (turns into a rat and jumps into the ball)

Kitty: (places the plastic ball in a mini-labyrinth sent to her by Kyte) In the center of his thing is a piece of cheese, if you want it.

Rat Pettigrew: (forgets everything about the Bash-a-thon and Kitty at the mention of cheese) CHEEEEEEEEEEEEESE! (takes off in circles round and round the labyrinth)

Yugi: Why'd you tell him there was cheese at the end, Kitten?

Kitty: He wouldn't have cooperated with the bashing otherwise.

Yugi: True. (pecks her on the cheek, still fantasizing about later on)

Rat Pettigrew: (finally collapses of exhaustion) The dizziness…it BURNS!

Kitty: I'm sure it does… (snatches the cheese from the labyrinth and eats it)

Atem: Last but not least…is Malfoy. (smirks)

Malfoy: Oh shit.

Mad Eye Moody: (suddenly appears and transforms Malfoy into a ferret)

Ferret Malfoy: (freaking out) EEEEEK! ((Translation: OH SHIT!))

Claire: (comes into the room carrying Crookshanks) Okay, Crookshanks…here's your new toy! (puts Crookshanks down in front of Ferret Malfoy)

Crookshanks: (licks his chops) Mrrrrrrrrrow!

Ferret Malfoy: EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEK! ((Translation: EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEK!)) (runs away, Crookshanks after him)

(Kitty, Claire et al. watch the two animals run around the room in circles as if they're watching a vaguely interesting movie)

Seto: (eating popcorn) Very amusing.

Claire: Five stars.(shares out shortbread she brought from the UK) Ok, who is next to bash, I wonder? (reaches toward the box of names and pulls the next one out) Ah…Blackcat1227 has an even more entertaining idea…but will Malfoy go along with it, I wonder?


Claire: Alright, then…chase Rat Pettigrew for Blackcat1227 and we'll turn you back before Crookshanks eats you. (waves her wand and Pettigrew appears out of the labyrinth in front of Malfoy)

Ferret Malfoy: EEK EEEEEEEEK! ((You better scram, rat, I'm not in a good mood!)) (chases Rat Pettigrew around the room, Crookshanks still after him)


(…A half hour goes by…)

Kitty: I think that's enough exercise for Pettigrew: if he's too fast, he might escape even more easily from Sirius than he did before. (waves her wand and Pettigrew is turned back into a human and reattached to the ceiling)

(Crookshanks finally pounces on Ferret Malfoy)

Ferret Malfoy: EEK! EEK-EEK EEEEEEK! ((No! I'm too handsome to die!))

Kitty: Oh shut up. A promise is a promise, as much as I wish it didn't have to be. (changes Malfoy back into a human)

Crookshanks: (is now on Malfoy's back) RRRRRRROW! (jumps off and scampers away)

Malfoy: Whew. I think it's over…

(Kitty attaches him and the gagged Snape back up to the ceiling)

Malfoy: Spoke too soon.

Snape: Murph.

Pettigrew: (trembling all over) I think I've been scarred for life

Claire: Glad we helped bring that about! (grins evilly)

Melisanne: (picks a name from the box) Rainbow Guardian Angel!

Yugi and Atem: (glomp Rainbow and Mizumi in unison) YAY!

Malfoy, Snape and Pettigrew: Shit.

Kitty: (snaps her fingers and the three torture victims fall from the ceiling back onto the floor) Et maintenant…c'est time, once again, to play an old Kitty-Rainbow favorite…WHACK A FERRET!

Malfoy: No! Not that stupid game a-

(Kitty and Rainbow start whacking him at once)

Malfoy: …gain… (collapses)

Snape: (shakes his head) Murph, murph.

Claire: (raises an eyebrow at Snape) Oh? You don't think that's bad? How about you meet Rainbow's pet Slifer, then?

Slifer the Snake: (enters) ((Hisssssss. Bastard, prepare to meet your doom.))

Snape: (looks down at the small snake derisively) Murph.

Claire: (points her wand at Slifer) ENGORGIO!

Slifer: (grows to the size of a skyscraper)

Snape: MURPH! (is chased by the giant snake)

Pettigrew: (looks around the room, paranoid as to what his torture will be)

Rainbow: (sneaks up behind him wearing a scary cat mask) BOO!


(…Fifteen minutes later…)

Pettigrew: -HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! (collapses in a dead faint)

Emessa: (enters) Torelphie! What the hell is going on in here?

Kitty (a.k.a. Torelphie): (eyes widen in fear) Emessa? Sister dear? W-what are you doing here? I thought you were in Vegas!

Emessa: (glares) What are you doing, tormenting my bishies?

Everyone Else: (ducks behind desk to hide from Emessa)

Yugi: (gulps) This isn't good.

Seto: We're dead.

Claire: Well, next Bash-a-thon you might be in the UK with me, so hopefully we'll be safer there.

Kitty: (huge sweatdrop) Oh Emessa-chan…you know I meant no harm…I like Draco, I really do!

Slifer: (still chasing after Snape) HISSSSSSSS- ((I'll get you, you-!))

Emessa: (glares a death glare at the huge snake) I'd rethink going after a Wicked Witch's bishie if I were you.

Slifer: HISSSSSS! ((AHHHHH!)) (slithers away)

Malfoy, Snape and Pettigrew: (cowering behind Emessa)

Kitty: C'mon, Emessa, we were doing it mostly for the readers-

Emessa: Well, let me borrow Sirius for a few days and I might forgive you, sister dear.

Sirius: (shivers at the thought of being around one of the few people who hates his guts as much as Snape) Kitty, you won't-

Kitty: We'll negotiate this in a sec, ma souer…let me just sign off… (looks at the audience) Okay, all…signing off, this is the1koolkitty, who is in serious trouble-

Claire: -and SGCred, who is going to stay away from Emessa's wrath (sweatdrop)-

Kitty: -saying 'Until next fic, Sayonara!'