Disclaimer: I own nothing; it all belongs to J.K.Rowling. I'm just borrowing the characters to play with for a while. This is for pleasure only, no profit is being made, and no copyright infringement is intended.
BIRTH OF A NAME
Oh no, here it comes.
"Class," Professor Kramer cheerfully calls for attention. "Class, it is now 2:50 on a Friday. You know what that means."
Oh dear Salazar, the sheeple are going to yell it.
Almost every bloody student cheers, "The Friday Fun Spell!"
Why can't they all just die, already?
"That's right!" Professor Kramer says with a smile. "And today, we're going to learn one that's great for word games and cocktail parties! It's called the Jumbliatus Curse!"
Curse, eh? There may be hope for Professor Kramer yet.
"Have you ever wanted to have a different name?" the Professor asks.
Shyeah. Maybe something not so obviously muggle.
"Have you ever, in your life, wondered what the letters in your name could rearrange to spell?"
Well, I certainly have now that you've pointed it out.
"Observe," the Professor commands, as he waves his wand in the air. There in front of the class appears the floating, flaming letters spelling out his name: Cosmo Kramer. He whips his wand up to the left and the right and enunciates loud and clear, "Jumblio!" The flaming letters float around and rearrange themselves to now read, "'Marco Smoker.' Makes me sound like rebel."
Oh yes, you rebel. Why I bet you don't even care which fork you use. To eat or scratch your back.
The Professor smiles at all the giggles the students give him at the idea of their cheery agreeable Professor as any sort of a rebel. "Okay, maybe not. Let's try it again and see if we can do any better." Again the Professor focuses on the floating letters and casts the spell. He reads it aloud, "Scream Room K. Sounds like my detentions really are as bad as they say." Professor Kramer chuckles weakly at his own horrible joke. "Anyways, go ahead and write down your names on a piece of parchment and try out the spell. Once you have the hang of the spell you can try out other names, or any phrases you are curious about."
It would be nice to shed my filthy muggle father's name. I write my name down on my parchment. I whisper the spell, as quietly as possible, so low it sounds like I'm hissing. Crap. I guess I need to say it louder than that. This time I say it a little louder, and the spell works.
My parchment now reads 'Tim Roddle'.
"Wow," I say out loud, completely unenthusiastically. "What an absolutely amazing spell."
"It is, isn't it?" Minnie McGonnabarf cheerfully supports me. Apparently she's not the best at detecting sarcasm. I just wince at her.
I look at my parchment and cast the spell again, this time saying it a little quieter and more hiss-like. There's a lot of movement before it finally settles on 'Rom Tiddle.'
"Ooooh! You know what mine said?" Minnie asks apparently intent on pissing me off.
"No, I don't know what it said." I reply to her, "And I don't care what it said." Maybe I shouldn't be dropping subtle hints and instead I should be cursing the hints into their brains and stapling them to their souls. Hmm, I may need to find an outlet for this repressed anger.
"Oh posh, Minnie. Don't mind Marv." Myrtle interrupts. "He's just irritable. Though you might be too, if your name was Rom Tiddle."
I just grumble at the annoying witch with a capital B. Just you wait! Someday, I'm going to be the ruler of the world and then… then, I'll kill all y'all. Then we'll see who's irritable. Myrtle's looking at me funny now. "And quit looking at my parchment."
The Professor suggests to the class, "If you're not having much variance because of a short name, you should include your middle names, or even nicknames."
I knew that, but of course since I'm just now doing it after the Professor says so, everyone's going to think I'm stupid and didn't know that. Prejudiced sheeple. I write my full name down on the paper. I quietly hiss, "Jumblio" and watch the magic change 'Tom Marvolo Riddle' into… 'Lord Leotard Mom IV'? Really? What the hell happened to the first three mothers of Lord Leotard? You know what? I don't think I want to know. I try the spell again. "Jumblio".
'Tim Doom Lardlover.' Okay, at least we're getting some variety here. Something tells me I can do better than that one. I mean there's got to be something good in there, right?
I try the spell again, and neglect to notice Myrtle reading over my shoulder.
"Retard Doll Moovim?" Myrtle giggles. "It fits you, Marv."
That's it. That is my breaking point. My instincts kick in and I whip my wand around faster than anything she's ever seen. I hiss out the spell, certain this will nail her flush across the shoulder. "Rictusempra."
"Tee-hee-hee," she laughs as she rubs her shoulder. "Stop that. It tickles."
God, I can't wait until I can use Cruciatus whenever I want to.
The bell rings and I hurry out of there as fast as I can go. Time for another two hours with the bloody Gryffindors, this time in Potions class. I'm unconsciously humming a tune while I sing the words in my head. Rape, plunder, murder, pillage, kill, kill, kill. Rape, plunder, murder, pillage, kill, kill, kill.
"I'm sorry class," Professor Slughorn informs us. "I'm needed elsewhere as many Professors have been called away to combat an attack from Grindelwald. For the next two hours, you are to read Chapters 17, 18, and 19. Be prepared for a quiz on Monday."
I don't even pull out my book before the Professor leaves the room. That gives us two hours to find me a good secret identity. I grab a fresh piece of parchment and write 'Tom Marvolo Riddle' on it again. I make sure no one's watching me. I nearly silently cast "Jumblio."
'David Motom Roller.' Well that's about as imperial sounding as the Lardlover one. I cast the spell again. 'Timelord, Lord Vamo.' Hey… now we're getting somewhere. I've never heard of a Timelord before, but that's got some potential. I mean, if it's a real thing. And, of course, if I am a Timelord or can become one. That's not a bad name to have.
I notice the ever vigilant Gryffindor staring at me. Apparently, Al 'Left-Eye' Moody thinks I should be reading the chapters. Man that nickname still cracks me up. I mean the kid was completely asking for it. I just wanted to curse him in the back. We were in the middle of Defense class, so I couldn't use the curse I really wanted to. Good old trusty Rictusempra never fails me though. How was I to know he'd spin around and duck? But the way his eye keeps twitching after over a year still kills me. I sneer at the boy just to mock him and go back to my parchment. "Jumblio."
'Valid Motor Molder.' No.
'I'd do Trevor Mallom.' Oh god, Trevor would never let me live that one down.
'Tim, Mad Drool Lover.' There will be no Dark Lord Tim! Stop trying to trick me into that one.
'I'm Lord over a lot, M.D.' True, I suppose, but not what I'm looking for.
'Lord, I'd revolt a mom.' Okay, now you're just being mean.
'D-Liver Mortal Doom.' There we go! Now we're working in the right direction. I'll never go by the name D-Liver, but Mortal Doom sure has a nice ring to it. I knew there'd be some good ones in here. I wonder if I can influence the spell through intent. I try the spell again, focusing on the words 'mortal' and 'doom'.
'Mortal Doom, Dr. Evil.' Hmm. Well it appears you can influence the spell, but 'Dr.' seems a bit too muggle and not vengeful all-powerful God enough for me. I give it another shot.
'Dr. Doom, Evil Mortal.' No doctors! And I am not mortal! I will rule forever! I don't think my influencing is helping the spell any. Let's just see what it comes up with on it's own now.
'Diva Lord Meltmoor.' Umm… I don't even know what to think about that one. But my instincts are screaming 'No way, sister!'
I think I might need to reevaluate the trust I place in my instincts.
'Overlord Lo, Dammit!' Hmm, well, maybe I'll keep that in mind for when I take over Asia.
'I droved a Mom Troll.' Okay, this is getting me nowhere. I sigh and look at the clock. There's an awful lot of class to go. And as much as I'd like to kill everyone here, I'm not sure that would be the wisest course of action right now. Honestly, even if I did, I'm not sure I could get past the doddering old Transfiguration Professor, Professor Dumbledore. Stupid old man watches me like a hawk. Oh well. He's already over a hundred, he can't have much longer to live, right? I wouldn't be surprised if he's dead before I even graduate. Maybe I should write a letter.
My Transfiguration Professor is a real pain. And he likes muggles. If you could kill him, that'd be great. Thanks.
You know, that's not a half bad idea. I think I will write him a letter about Albus Bloody Bloody Bloody Dumbledore. Hmm… let's see what his name has. I write down 'Albus Percival Brian Wulfric Dumbledore' onto a clean piece of parchment. "Jumblio."
'Few can pull dim rubber crab ovaries, I dull.' Well, that settles that. I'm never trying the Jumbliatus on Professor Dumbledore's name again. I crumple it up and burn that piece of parchment.
There's still time in this class, so I start back up on my search for a secret identity. I write, yet again, on a new piece of parchment 'Tom Marvolo Riddle' for the third time. "Jumblio."
'Mom, I love Lord Tard.' Who the hell is Lord Tard? And is our relationship really at the point where we meet each other's folks? Wait, Mom's dead and Dad's a muggle. Nevermind. "Jumblio."
'Model Tom, Viral Rod.' Hmm, you know if Rod ever became a massive all-powerful festering diseased dark wizard, I might be willing to include myself and my dashing good looks in a partnership. Wait… no I wouldn't. I'd still kill him. "Jumblio."
'Mad I Mood E, Troll R.V.' I chortle at the image of 'Left-Eye' Moody running a rickshaw with a massive mountain troll sitting in it. Nothing I'll ever call myself, but still a mental image that should keep a smile on my face. Unfortunately, Myrtle took notice of my chortle and is now coming over to sit next to me.
Myrtle leans over and whispers, "All right, Marv. Olive is being snippy right now, so let's see what's got you guffawing to yourself.'
"I do not guffaw, you unfeeling waste of magic," I retort.
Myrtle rolls her eyes. "Oh Marv. Always trying to flirt with me, I swear."
Okay, she's really grating on my nerves.
Myrtle looks at me with a smug smirk now. "You know I'm not leaving, until you show me."
I take a deep breath. "Fine. I was just using the Jumbliatus Curse that Professor Kramer taught us, on my name some more. If you must be a friendless horsefaced Gryffindork and watch over my shoulder, then I guess you must be a friendless horsefaced Gryffindork."
Myrtle smiles triumphantly. "You and your pillow talk, Marv. And seriously, that spell is even more square than you. But whatever, fire away. Let's see what Marv's stage name is going to be."
I stare at her for second and really, really try to shoot killing curses out my eyes to strike her down where she sits. Still no luck with the eyes. I pull out yet another piece of parchment and write 'Tom Marvolo Riddle' on it. I turn to stare at Myrtle and think about how much I hate her while aiming my wand at the parchment. I hiss angrily, "Jumblio."
Myrtle looks at the parchment and loudly announces to the class, "Retard Old Mom, Vol. I! Wow, Marv. You're even kinkier than I had you pegged."
Well, if I had any doubts about killing everyone and ruling the world, they all just went away. Even Minnie McGonnabarf and 'Left-Eye' Moody were laughing out loud at me.
I think it's time to reorganize my list. Myrtle, my dear, you just moved up to number one. I take my parchment and hide it away from Myrtle's view. "Jumblio." I hiss.
No. "Jumblio." No. "Jumblio." No. "Jumblio." And there it is. My destiny. I can feel it writhing inside me from just reading the name. It fuels me and excites me. I decide I can wait no longer. I observe the room carefully and spot her. I walk over to the girl silently casting a number of obfuscation spells, a Notice-Me-Not, and some wards inihibiting detection.
I look into her eyes, lean over, and whisper, "Hey Olive, want to know a secret?"
Olive Hornby, certainly known for her love of gossip, smiles and asks me, "Is it a good secret?"
I do my best to act charming and reply with a smile, "Have I ever told you a secret that wasn't good?"
She actually blushes a little and shakes her head. God, sheeple are easy to manipulate. I explain to her, "It's a strange but true tale of an adventure." I arch an eyebrow. "A secret about a girl leading another girl to her death. It starts with an Imperius curse and ends with a memory charm."
Olive's eyes light up greedily, "Do tell."
I wave her closer and whisper in her ear. "Imperio."
Oh damn, I feel all tingly just casting that. Now, it is my time! Soon the world will tremble and fear me! They will all bow before me as their Master. Why? Because… 'I'm Lord Voldemorta!' Yeah. Lord Voldemorta. I think we're definitely onto something. But before I destroy everyone and take over the world, I think it's time to introduce Myrtle to my little friend, Blinky.
I melodically hiss, "Here Blinky, Blinky, Blinky…"
Author's Note: Short little one-shot. Review and let me know what you think.